Bullets in a Music Box

The building of the funeral home loomed over me as I sat in my car, unable to get out. For some reason, I just can't believe he is dead. I have not had to deal with death in a very long time, and this is a hit in the stomach. I know I have to be strong for Charlie, but I just can't not right now. I felt as the tears began to fall down my face and I just let them fall. No use in wiping them when they will just be replaced by more tears. A sob came from my chest and I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel. Everything having to do with this is just reminding more and more of my own dad and it is killing me. To this day, I still blame myself for his death even though I know it is not my fault.

A tap on the car window made me jump up and look. Tyler was standing there, looking at me with worried eyes. I rolled down the window and he sighed.

"Are you coming in?" He asked.

"I don't know if I can," I said, trying to stop the tears.

"You said it yourself, Charlie needs you, come on Sadee. I'll walk with you," he said as he opened the car door and I unbuckled my seat belt.

"I know that Charlie needs me. I meant that I don't know if I can make it through this without Andy. He's on stage right now, I think, and I just, I need him," I said as Tyler closed the car door.

"I know, but I can try to take his place, feel free to cry on my shoulder, it's all good," he said as he looped his arm in mine and pulled me towards the building. We walked inside and I felt my jaw quivering as I tried to keep calm. We walked further in and when my eyes landed on Charlie, my heart broke. He was sobbing on the chair and no one was comforting him. I let go of Tyler and immediately walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. He was surprised at first, but then he relaxed and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"I can't do this," he cried.

"Neither can I, but we have to Charlie, we have to," I rubbed his back and sat down on the chair with.

"My dad's gone. He's gone," Charlie cried into me and I had to blink to keep myself from crying.

"I know, but um, he wouldn't want us to be like this," I tried to say but it came out as a soft, unsure statement.

"Why did he have to leave me?" Charlie asked.

"Why did my dad leave me? When we lose a parent or loved one, we always ask that question, and no one ever has the answer," I said as I pulled away from him and he looked at me with tear filled eyes.

"How am I supposed to live my life without my biggest support system?" He asked. I shrugged and put my hands on his shoulder. Fuck it, I'm calling Andy, I can't handle it. I pulled my phone from my purse and dialed his number before putting my phone to my ear.

"Who are you calling?" He asked.

"Andy, I have to talk to him," I said. Charlie nodded and he grabbed my hand. I sat there waiting while the phone kept ringing. Please happen to catch your phone ringing, or at least have someone hear it. At the last minute I heard him pick up.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked immediately.

"No. I can't do the funeral," I said.

"Sadee, yes you can. You have to be there for Charlie," Andy said, he was out of breath. He just came off stage.

"I'm trying, but I can't. I keep thinking of my dad. As I was cleaning I stopped and looked at my scars on my wrists, and for a split second I thought about it," I said quietly and he was silent for a second before clearing his throat.

"Don't say that. It is taking all the will power I have to not hop on a plane right now and come back to LA, do not say that, please," he sounded hurt.

"I can't help it. It has always been my go-to coping skill. And then you became my coping skill, and you're not here," I said.

"Sadee. Please, don't say that," he sounded like he was starting to cry. Oh my god.

"Andy, don't cry," I said.

"Fuck it, I'm flying back to LA tomorrow, I don't give a shit if there are shows cancelled," he said.

"No, finish this leg of the tour!" I scolded him and he groaned.

"Sadee. I can't do this anymore without you," he said. I looked at Charlie and he was looking down at our hands.

"Okay look, I have to go in to the actual funeral part, but please, promise me you will finish the leg," I said. He was silent for a long time before answering.

"Fine," he grumbled and I got a small smirk.

"I love you, okay, I'm gonna try to do this, and you try to get through the next week," I said.

"Yeah, I love you too," he said. I hung up and put my purse away.

"Do we have to go in there?" Charlie asked. I looked at him and felt the tears in my eye.

"Yeah, we do," I said and stood, pulling Charlie with me. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and we both walked into the room and took our seats in the front row. It was open casket and I could seriously feel my heart just breaking more and more. It took my back to my dad's funeral. He looked so peaceful. My arm was around Charlie and he had his head in my shoulder as we sat there and listened to the priest say his words about Gustav. I looked down the row and saw Lauren at the end next to Tyler, not even looking at Charlie.

"Okay, at this time, I ask of you all to bow your heads as we play a tribute song for Gustav," the priest said and then they played 'Amazing Grace.' The second the first note played I heard various sobs but the one that hit me hardest was Charlie's. His sob was so broken sounding and so abandoned, if that's even possible. I squeezed him tightly and rubbed his arm as I felt tears falling down my face. The song ended and I had both of my arms around Charlie, holding him together, or so it felt. He was gripping me with the jaws of life, as if he thought that if he let go, he would fall apart.

Someone walked up tot he podium and began talking in a thick German accent. It must be one of Gustav's family members. They finished their speech and then the priest talked again.

"And now, we bid of first goodbye to this wonderful husband, father, brother, son, friend, and businessman. Tomorrow morning at nine o'clock the burial will occur with an immediate luncheon at the Fleischmann home. For directions, see Lauren Fleischmann or Tyler Wright," the priest finished and everyone around us began standing. But Charlie and I just sat there. He was sobbing uncontrollably and I just couldn't let go. Lauren left the room and the anger inside of me was boiling, hotter and hotter.

"Hey Charlie, we gotta go," I said and rubbed his back. One second he was gripping me for dear life, and the next he had let go and ran to the casket and had laid himself over Gustav. Oh no. I walked over to him and put my hand on his back.

"Charlie, come on, he's gone buddy, he's not in there. He's in your heart, come on Charlie," I said and began to pull him from the casket. Some people were giving us weird looks but I pushed them off. Once I got Charlie off of the casket, I pushed him from the room and when we were out of the room, I grabbed his hand and held it tightly. I don't even care what Lauren says, Charlie is staying at my house tonight. I pulled him through the crowd of people towards the door. We were stopped a couple times by family members, but once we were outside, I all but sprinted to my car and Charlie got int he passenger side.

"He can't be gone. He just, he's my dad. He's supposed to be there forever," Charlie said.

"Honey, I know. But sometimes, life shits on us and fucks everything up," I said. I drove down the road and let the tears free fall as I listened to Charlie cry. When we got to my house, I got out of the car and slammed the door. Charlie had climbed out of the car and was walking towards the house. I let out the loudest, more painful scream I could muster into the night sky. It is not fair that Charlie has to go through this. No one should ever have to lose their dad!

"It's not fair!" I screamed and then ran into the house, past Charlie and up to my bedroom. The second my foot was inside the room, I fell forward and hit the carpet.

"It's just not fair," I cried into my arm and laid on the floor.


I must have been laying there for a long time because when I got up, Lauren was home, I could see the lights in the house on. Something inside of broke open and all I could feel was anger and very dangerous thoughts. I walked down the stairs and out the front door towards my sisters house. Before I realized what was happening, I was inside my sisters house and was in her face.

"Sadee?" She was worried.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I asked.

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"Why the fuck was I the one holding Charlie and not you?" I yelled.

"He's so close to you, and-"

"That shouldn't fucking matter! He is not my damn kid! He is yours! And he is hurting and blames himself for this! But of course you wouldn't understand what it is like to lose a dad because you were too busy with your own fucking life to remember that our dad had died!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"What are you talking about?" She asked.

"I am talking about our fucking father. I almost killed myself when I was thirteen fucking years old because I blamed myself for dads death for the longest time, I still do. And you are my older sister, you were supposed to be there for me. Because God knows mom wasn't. I should not be the one who is comforting Charlie. I have known him for maybe three months, you've known him for at least ten damn years!" I yelled and she was staring at me.

"I just lost the love of my life, why are you yelling at me?" She raised her voice.

"Charlie just lost his fucking father! How in the hell are you so selfish!?" I screamed.

"Excuse me? I'm being selfish, you're the one who is over here yelling at me about my child," she said.

"And you are only caring that you lost your husband. Now I see why Charlie hates you so much," I said.

"He doesn't hate me-"

"Yes he does! He hates you because you are a terrible person and as much of a mother as our own mom," I said. She gasped at me and slapped my face.

"I am a good mother. Don't you dare fucking come into my house and call me a bad mom!" She screamed.

"If you are such a good mom, why did Charlie attempt suicide twice? And why does Cienne go to Charlie when she is scared? Or why the fuck does Claus cry when you hold him?" I asked.

"What the fuck is your problem?" She yelled.

"I am pointing out the damn truth. Your children hate you, and you can't fucking see it. It really says something when your child would rather kill himself than talk to you," I said.

"Get the fuck out of my house," she screamed.

"What, can't handle the truth? How about this one? Huh? While my big sister was living her dream in Germany, I was being raped and abused by our mothers boyfriends. Or how about while you were living your dream, I was in and out of mental hospitals because I blamed myself for dad and you leaving me. How about, I was the one who ran up after Charlie when we told him about Gustav. How about, I was the one who found Charlie when he tried to kill himself?" I was crying by this point.

"Okay fine, I'm a terrible, horrible, fucking miserable mother. Does that make you happy Sadee? I am a terrible person and it should have been be that died, not Gustav. Does that make you feel better?" She yelled.

"Don't even go there. I know you don't give a shit that Gustav died. If you did, you would have been crying more than what you have been. Some people might even think I was his wife because of how damn emotional I am getting over this!" I screamed at her.

"I'm not crying because I have two young children who do not fucking understand what happened," she said.

"If they don't understand what happened, why are you holding back? If I were their mom, I wouldn't give a shit if they saw me crying because if I ever lost Andy the way you lost Gustav, I would be completely broken! I wouldn't be able to move. My damn chest would feel so broken and empty. I would be crying nonstop. So don't even say that because if you truly loved Gustav, you would be a broken mess on the damn ground," I said.

"Now you're telling me I didn't love my husband?" She asked.

"It's obvious that you don't. Because you would rather defend yourself right now than break down and cry," I said.

"Has it ever occurred to you that I bottle up my feelings and I cry behind closed doors?" She asked.

"Bull shit. Bull fucking shit. You are lying, and even I can see that. Do you know how much will power it took me to even get out of my car to go into the building? I was sobbing because the thought of Charlie crying and looing broken and fragile killed me inside. It fucking killed me. These feelings should be your feelings, not mine. I am not his mother!" I yelled.

"Neither am I!" Lauren yelled at me. I stared at her for a while before saying anything.

"Um, what?" I asked.

"I'm not his mother. I have tried for so long to be his awesome step-mother, but because of the shit his own mom put him through, he can't let me him," she said. I chuckled.

"Bull, he let me in and I've known him for three months. You didn't even make the effort to love him, he told me. You were all awesome in the beginning, but once you had your own kids, you abandoned him. So bull. You are lying," I said.

"At the funeral, you remember seeing a bleach blonde girl, about nineteen, sitting between Tyler and a woman with dark brown hair?" She asked. I thought and remembered.

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"The blonde is Danielle, Charlie's older sister, the brunette is Delmira, Charlie's mother. I didn't comfort him because they were there," she said.

"You've been in his life longer than Delmira, so don't even use that excuse. God damnit! You are making up excuse after fucking excuse on why you are such a terrible person. You are so much more like mom than I thought. Why did I ever let you back in?" I asked.

"I don't know, why did you?" She asked.

"Because I thought you had changed. That you were a different person. But apparently you got your everything from mom, and I got mine from dad. Charlie is staying at my house tonight, after tomorrow, you are dead to me," I said as I turned around and left.

Notes

Alright, so yeah. Emotional and stuff. I promised the drama, now didn't I? And I always deliver. But yes, we now know Charlie's mother and sister's names. The next chapter will be part burial/luncheon, part a week later. Hope you liked it!!!! :)


Sadee's Outfit:
http://www.polyvore.com/sadee_bullets_in_music_box/set?id=138363527