Destiny's Kiss

That moment in time when you’re so hurt; you try to focus on something else, but your eyes can’t focus on anything. You try hard to force the painful thoughts from your mind, but they keep coming back. You feel this literal pain in your chest, making your heart beat slower.

Everything around you just seems to blur, and all you can focus on is the thoughts; the horrible words that float around, tormenting you. Then, all you want to do is runaway, but you can’t run away from yourself.

That’s when the suicidal thoughts come. Suicide seems like the only option when the thoughts, the pain, and living with yourself becomes so unbearable. You have cried all you’re the tears you have, and screamed all the screams your voice possible could—now, you just sit, emotionless.

That’s when it hurts the worst; when you can’t feel anything anymore. You want to tear your flesh off, or shove a blade through you chest, just to feel something again. You feel so much anxiety building up, because instead of making you feel okay, the numbness only makes things worse. You just want to feel human again.

Some drag a blade across their skin, leaving tiny lines to slowly turn a soft red. Sometimes it bleeds, sometimes it doesn’t—it just depends on how much you want to feel. And then, like a gasping breath of air, all the feelings come back, and you can breathe again. You get thrust back into reality, and you stay there, completely still, trying to get your thoughts clear. You cover the lines up with a jacket, or with bracelet, just so people don’t ask questions. How can you explain a struggle you’re having with yourself?

And some; some want to stay numb. It’s the only way they can feel any sense of ‘normal’. Heroin, Crystal Meth, Cocaine, pain pills, Zanax, Marijuana; you shoot up, smoke it, inhale it, swallow it, then you feel your muscles tense. You begin to shake--and then like a rush of adrenaline bursting from every inch of your body, you feel normal again.

Others shove the ear buds in and turn on the melodies that sooth the pain the best. They lay there, shaking and crying, so hurt, the beautiful sounds surrounding their body like a warm blanket. Then, slowly, the shaking subsides and the tears dry. You start to feel okay again; you’re heart beat becomes normal, and your breathing returns to a steady pace.

We all have our ways dealing with the things that happens to us. I was never good at dealing with them though. I’ve tried every method I could ever manage to think up, but things never got better for me. I was stuck with the person I hate most:

Myself.

Finally, when I decided to end it all, my plan came crashing down around me—and now, I find myself surrounding by the darkness once again. Eyesight is no good here; senses are no good here. I only know what I’m thinking, and that’s all.

This whole experienced has changed me, and not for the better. If I felt anything before, that’s all went away—now all I know is numbness, and the darkness.

I’m waiting; waiting to hear the voice again, so I can run to it and be saved from this horrid place. Is this what my mind is like? Is this all I have now? My beckon of hope is all I have left, and it hasn’t made an appearance yet. Am I truly gone now?

Notes

Ello ello! Short chapter, sorry sorry. I've been pretty down lately, so I figured describing how the pain feels would fit into the story. What going to happen next? Is she dead?