The Fire in Your Hands

It was a rough night. Andy and I didn't get maybe 3 hours of sleep the whole night. The babies fussed all night. I was ready to rip my hair out by sunrise. I thought I was done with the baby rearing when Karolina was old enough to function on her own and Mom was competent enough to not need her daughter raising her other children.

It's 6:47 in the morning now, I'm just now figuring out the whole breast feeding deal. Alaska seemed to be presumably content with me and his breakfast. It was quiet for a while. Carbon was moving her arms in her basket crib and Andy had fallen back asleep. Alaska had his mouth full and his eyes closed and I was running emotions of sorrow through my mind.

I could feel myself slipping back into depression. I couldn't let myself. Selfish. You have people depending on you.

I fought with myself staring blankly at the door when I felt Andy's hand rest on my back.
It startled me and I instinctively reached for a knife. I still couldn't figure out if I was a lover or a fighter.
he'd worken up for a few seconds, long enough to look to make sure carbon was okay and then bury himself into my side, falling back asleep.
God I was tired.
I had been on Cathedral missions where I didn't sleep for days, but I always found a drug fix to keep me going.
Oh the things Andy didn't know.
The things I didn't know.

I wonder if my babies had heard me sing when they were still in me. If they heard Andy sing. I wonder if they'd felt the excitement and the adrenaline rushes at my concerts. I wonder it they were conceived during the last assignment, if they felt the fear and the anger and the adrenaline them.

putting Alaska back in his basket, I picked Carbon up and laid her back down on her side in my arms so she could eat too. This took forever. I put my headphones in and turned the music up all the way. I needed an escape. I couldnt handle much more of reality right now.
I leaned my head back and closing my eyes, I let the rhythm wash over me.

Tonight is the one thing I have left, and I haven't said it yet,
Im falling, and the writing's on the wall.

Today was misery
and I just can't believe this happened,
and I finally broke down.
She held on to my heart.
But now my only star is falling, it's burning to the ground.

And now I'm crying out.

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away.
Secret love, are you there?
will you answer my prayer?
please take me anywhere but here.


I opened my eyes to see my daughter looking up at me. She looked like a clown in the stupid outfit the aunts got her. I shook my head and put her back, putting my shirt back in place and standing up, going to the closet to get dressed. I threw on a black tank top, ripped jeans, black studded boots, and some simple jewelry. Once my makeup was sufficient and I was happy that I didn't look like a mental patient anymore, I rolled my hair in a high bun with my bangs curly and falling on my face and a scarf around it. I was happy again, I felt like myself. Besides the fact that I felt like my organs had been rearranged.
"Andy get up."
he grunted at me and turned away, burying his face further in the pillow.
"Andyyyyy"
he sat up and sighed heavily. "What Jayelle?"
"Get up, let's go shopping."
he nodded and got up, getting dressed.
I found a baby wrap that someone had brought and wasn't completely sure how use it. After I figured it out I wrapped it around myself, playing carbon in it and tightening it up to where she was supported and I could use my hands.
After fifteen minutes he was finally ready. He picked Alaska up and took my hand in his.
"Let's go"

Notes