Wretchedly Divine (Gasping for Air)

After letting me know I was five minutes behind schedule my mother left and closed the door behind her, leaving me to change and go through my morning routine at a slightly accelerated pace. I was dressed and ready by the same time as usual, and was sitting with my parents at breakfast like nothing out of the ordinary had happened just twenty five minutes before.

“The Voice is supposed to make a broadcast today, so don’t be home late.” My mother told
me as I spread an all-natural jelly on wheat toast.

“I never am,” I laughed lightly and smiled up at her. “I’ll be home right after school, clubs were canceled for today.”

“Oh, that’s good. Have Patrick walk you home, honey.” She said with a sly grin and I looked down at my plate. I was flushing in earnest, having never been one to take remarks like that well. I wasn’t all an act, just mostly.

“His parents probably want him home early too, mom. I don’t want to inconvenience him.” I told her, still red in the face.

“I’ll call his parents and let them know that we’re asking him to walk you home.” My father spoke up, and I laughed nervously.

“Honey, stop being so awkward, it’s perfectly natural to feel this way about your life mate, F.E.A.R. knows what they’re doing, honey.” My mother followed, and I looked up at her, still red in the face.

“Can we please not talk about it?” I asked as kindly as I could muster, but I was definitely unnerved.

My mother just smiled and ate her breakfast quietly, and my father looked just as uneasy as I was, encouraging her only so that I would know that he supported Patrick being my life partner.

The bell went signaling that it was time for everyone to leave their homes and go to their jobs or school.

We got up and put our plates in the sink and I gave each of my parents a kiss goodbye before grabbing my bag and heading towards the school.

The Educational Institute was not a fun place to be, but I walked to it with a smile on my face, only for show. F.E.A.R. probably knew that my mother couldn’t keep a secret and expected me to know who my life partner was. Since I was supposed to be excited about my life partner I had to put a smile on to avoid suspicion.

“Hey Ashley!” I heard a familiar voice speak from behind me and to the left. I turned around and forced myself to smile even wider when I saw Patrick Newman, the boy who I was going to abandon for a life of loneliness tonight. I felt bad about it, so I was determined to make today great for him, as through that would really make up for anything.

“Why so smiley?” he asked as he caught up with me, looking as boring as me in his tan shirt tucked into tan pants held up by a tan belt and tan shoes. We were all equally boring.

“I can’t say, but I think it’s something you’ll like when I can.” I smiled at him giving him a sidelong glance that was meant to be filled with excitement, but I was burdened by guilt, so I can’t speak for the authenticity.

“Well, when will I get to know.” He questioned, being the same playful Patrick he always was. This was why I liked him.

“If I tell you that it will give it away.” I giggled.

“Oh, giggling too? It must be really great.” He took my hand in his without warning and I felt my heart lurch, both with guilt and discomfort. “Is this okay?” He asked me, and I shrugged.

“It’s not, not okay.” I told him, feeling myself flush. I wasn’t the sort for this, and with the guilt on top of it I wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

“Well that’s good.” He smiled. “I’m walking you home today, aren’t I?”

“Actually my parents were saying they wanted you to walk me home.” I smiled. “I told them we shouldn’t do that on the day of a broadcast, because your family probably wants you to go home, but they didn’t seem to care. They said they’d just call your parents to explain.”

“And why are your parents so avid about me walking you home? I mean I know why I want to walk you home, but your parents? Does it have something to do with the thing you can’t tell me yet?” He was wearing a sly grin.

“Maybe.” I bit my lip and looked down nervously. I didn’t want him to know.

Wait.

“You turned eighteen two weeks ago.” I stated in a sort of realizing fashion.

“Yes I did, so you understand that I’ve been playing along since we started this conversation.” He was smirking; I could hear it in his voice.

“I do now.” I said, biting the inside of my lip and looking anywhere but at him.

“Well, you’re cute when you think you’re being sly,” He chuckled, squeezing my hand. “I’ll walk you home today, okay.” He reiterated.

“Okay.” I looked up at him, forcing myself to look overjoyed.

“You don’t turn eighteen for another month, how do you know?” He asked quietly and I flushed.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.” I said, hoping to avoid the conversation.

“I’m already older.” He laughed. “Come on, tell me.” He pressed and I flushed.

“No,” I said definitely as we approached the school. The teachers rarely stopped us in our public displays of affection, but usually we hugged quickly, not hold hands walking down the corridors, so we dropped or hands before we went in.

He went as far as to walk me to my first class --Religion—before giving me a quick and intimate feeling hug and walking off with a smile on his face.

I felt the guilt in my stomach bottom out to the point where I was almost physically sick. I was about to ruin any chance he had at the happy life he wanted with F.E.A.R. He wasn’t a bad person, just misguided. I didn’t want him to suffer, but I couldn’t stay. I just couldn’t.
I walked into class just as the bell sounded and I took my seat in the very front, ready for anything.


Patrick met me at the end of each of my classes and saw me to my next class always leaving with a hug and a smile and I just became more and more reluctant to leave him, but no matter how reluctant I was, I couldn’t stay. Staying wasn’t an option. I’d have to live with the guilt. At the end of the day as he walked me home he checked the coast, and then gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

“See you tomorrow.” He smiled, but there was something… off about his grin. It wasn’t the same light hearted grin that it should’ve been.

“Yeah…” I said, scrunching my eyebrows and scrutinizing him. “See you tomorrow.”

That was such a lie.

I gave him a small wave and felt tears well. I never felt guilty about this, not until this morning when I found out that I’d be ruining someone’s life with my decision. I hadn’t expected that. This curve ball that life had thrown me had just knocked me down. I smiled at my waiting mother when I came in, and she smiled back.

“Go wash up, the broadcast will be on soon.” She told me, and I nodded, smiling and acting like I was excited.

This was it, tonight was the night

I was leaving F.E.A.R. Tonight.

Notes