Wretchedly Divine (Gasping for Air)

I was awoken by the sounds of my mother and father frantically beating on my door. My locked door. SHIT! I sprung up from the bed, in only the stupid thin night gown that we were given to sleep. I had three exactly like it.

“Ashley.” My mother cried when she saw me, throwing herself forward and wrapping her arms around me. She was sobbing, and my heart clenched when I saw my father glaring at me.

“Ashely, why was the door locked?” He asked me sternly when my mother finally pulled away. He didn’t have the same panic in his tone, but sternness was how he showed panic. What did they think I’d done? Why were the panicking so much over a locked door?

“I-I-“ I couldn’t form the words, because I didn’t have any, what was I supposed to tell them, that I was planning my escape from this hell hole in the early hours of the morning. I knew the best way to cover the fact that I was making something up was to put my hands behind my back, tilt my head forward, and let me hair fall in my face while I twisted my ankle in a circle, looking nervous and unsure. I looked like a three year old, but that was what I was going for, weak and innocent. This tactic wouldn’t work with F.E.A.R., but it would work with my parents.

“Spit it out Ashley.” My father said, sounding slightly less stern, almost like he was unsure of what the answer was going to be, and whether or not he wanted to hear it.

“I was- I-“ I was hoping they’d start making suggestions, or let me off the hook. I couldn’t think of something that would warrant locking the door that was embarrassing, I’d dug myself a shit hole. I could’ve said that I was changing and didn’t want anyone to walk in, but now I was bashful and embarrassed, well, I could play it off as just being ashamed of having made them worry. Yeah, that would work. I lifted my head slightly to tell them I had just been changing when my mother’s eyes widened and she gasped.

She leaned close to me and whispered in my ear. “Were you touching yourself?”

I felt my entire body go stiff and I wanted to let out a gasp of my own. WHAT! WHO THINKS LIKE THAT! OF COURSE NOT!

But this was my way out, no matter how embarrassing; it was going to have to do. I put my head back down and nodded slightly, the blush on my face completely genuine. I knew what “touching yourself” meant, and I didn’t like the idea of doing it, or admitting to it in front of my parents, but this was the best way out, it made the most sense, and I knew things that would make it seem like I was doing it for F.E.A.R.

“I read that it’s easier to conceive if you…” I looked up at my mother, and she was beaming, looking proud, as though I’d just told her I found a cure for stupid.

“My baby girl’s growing up so fast!” She said pulling me in for another hug.

“Elizabeth?” My father asked her, wanting to know what was going on, but based on his uncomfortable expression I knew he had an idea of what was going on as well.

“Oh honey.” My mother squealed. She always was one for dramatization. I awkwardly hugged her back, hoping she’d get off me.

“I’ll go report to F.E.A.R. that everything’s alright.” My father said, eager to get out of the conversation, and the vicinity. My mother pushed me into my room and sat me down on the bed.

“So,” She smiled. “Who’s the boy?” She asked me, and I felt my face flush.

Boy? There hadn’t been a boy since Jacob, and even then our relationship wasn’t like that, at least it wasn’t for me.

“Um- I-“ I was so uncomfortable. This was so far out of my comfort zone I couldn’t even act comfortable about it.

“You’ve been hanging around the Newman’s son a lot.” She suggested, and I looked up at her, pleading with her to stop.

“Oh it is him isn’t it!” She exclaimed, clapping her hand together. “Oh honey, I’m not supposed to tell you, but… Oh I’m going to tell you.” This morning they came by with the letter saying who your life partner will be.” Her eyes were twinkling and I knew where this was going.

I tried to look excited, and like the news made me happy, but I was disappointed. I didn’t want to hurt anyone when I left. If I left after my life partner was selected then he would have to spend the rest of his life alone. I felt guilt run through me as I put a happy face on.

“It’s Patrick Newman.” Her eyes were just so bright and happy. I felt guilt run through me, knowing that I was going to hurt her, but I couldn’t keep doing this. I would feel bad, but it had to be done. I would hate for that smile to disappear from her face forever, but it couldn’t be helped.

I wasn't like her. I wasn’t content with the life that F.E.A.R. provided for me.

“Really?” I asked her, looking excited, but actually really upset by the fact.

“Yes.” She smiled at me brightly.

“That’s great!” I smiled widely. “I mean, I hoped it would be him but…” I smiled at her and threw my arms around her. “I’ve never loved F.E.A.R. so much.” I told her.

On the inside I was torn up. Patrick Newman was smitten with me, and my love of F.E.A.R. he was one of many who loved F.E.A.R. more because of my lies. I hated that, that me just trying to survive while harboring my feelings and urges for rebellion caused other people not to rebel. It was selfish of me, but I couldn’t let anyone know what I was up to. I couldn’t even hint that everything was an act. Only Jacob ever knew that I was putting an act on. Patrick Newman was a stupid kid, but very intelligent. He didn’t question the order of things, he didn’t question F.E.A.R., he just went along with it. It always surprised me that someone so intelligent could be so loyal to F.E.A.R. Even so, it was a horrible thing to lose a life partner; you only get one, no matter the circumstances. He'd be alone for the rest of his life.

“I said the same thing when I found out your father was my life partner, but remember, you aren’t supposed to know.” She whispered and I nodded as she pulled away from me. There were tears running down my face as I realized the gravity of what I was really doing and felt the horrible constriction in my chest as I tried to act like the tears were ones of happiness. I was about to ruin someone’s life, and I couldn’t even offer to bring him with me, he was too dedicated to F.E.A.R. Hell, he’d probably turn me in.

“I’m so happy Mom.” I spoke through the tears.

“And it only gets better from here,” she assured me.

She had no idea how right she was.

Notes

Two whole subscribers YAHOO *Insert black★star gif here*
Twice as many as I had yesterday ^-^
Big thanks to everyone reading. I appreciate it.


Ciao ^-^
-Ashtin

P.S. This is all unedited so... yeah ☺
♥