Living on Love

By the time Legacy’s first birthday rolled around on February tenth, the guys had flown overseas for the Kerrang! Tour, which took them all throughout England. Ash was currently twenty-four weeks pregnant with their second baby, whom his lover could now feel kicking if he pressed his hand to his belly. He’d thought long and hard about going on this particular tour, seeing as how it was overseas and he was a little over halfway through his pregnancy now. He’d even consulted Rebecca and asked her advice, and she hadn’t seen where there’d be a problem with it.

When Erica, the midwife who’d cared for him through the last few weeks of his first pregnancy and helped him deliver Legacy, caught wind of his uncertainty, she volunteered to go with them. Since she worked for Rebecca and usually took over some of her cases that didn’t require the OB/GYN’s full attention, she had no one besides the pregnant bassist to care for at the moment.

Thankful that she’d decided to be so selfless and accompany them, he’d decided to come on this last overseas tour before the baby’s birth. He’d already made it quite clear to Andy and the rest of the guys that he wouldn’t be joining them on the third leg of the Church of the Wild Ones Tour, which was also overseas, because he felt like it’d be too dangerous. His due date, according to his OB/GYN, was May thirty-first, and when that leg of that particular tour kicked off on April fifth, he’d be exactly thirty-two weeks pregnant. Rebecca advised against flying much anywhere, but especially overseas, once he hit twenty-seven weeks, as it could cause pre-term labor to start.

The last thing he wanted was for their baby to be born early, but definitely not while on a plane in mid-air. No one outside their little social circle, aside from Rebecca and Erica, knew that he was pregnant, and he didn’t want people to find out because he gave birth on a plane. The two obstetric professionals agreed with his decision, and although he was sad that his sweetheart wouldn’t be with them, so did Andy. In fact, he applauded his ability to make such a tough decision since he knew he wanted to be with them.

“Happy birthday, Legacy!” they all cried as the bassist helped her blow out the candle on her birthday cake.

Since it was their daughter’s very first birthday and they’d brought her with them, they’d decided to throw her as much of a party as they could before the show that night. The little girl sat on his lap, clapping and giggling, as everybody wished her a happy birthday before the cake was cut and she was given her presents. He was so happy to see his little girl safe, happy, and healthy that words couldn’t even describe it.

“You want me to take her for a bit, sweetheart?” Andy asked, standing beside him.

“Sure. I’ve gotta run to the bathroom,” he answered, nodding as he handed her over.

“Da-da!” she cried, making them glad they hadn’t allowed their manager, John, or any of the roadies come to this little party.

The younger man chuckled as he took a seat with their daughter in his lap, and Ash couldn’t help but smile at them as he walked away. Once he reached the bathroom, he splayed a hand across his belly and gently caressed it, willing the little one within to settle down before they gave away his secret. He was beginning to show more than he had before, just like with his last pregnancy, and had taken to wearing looser clothes again to hide his secret.

He sighed softly as he relieved himself, knowing that it wouldn’t be long before he’d either have to disappear from the spotlight, or he’d just have to come clean. As much as he loved being around the fans and doing what he loved, he really didn’t want to give away his secret just yet, if at all, and figured disappearing would probably be better for all involved.

Andy was trying to convince him that telling the fans about his secret couldn’t go any worse than coming out about their relationship had, but then again, he wasn’t the one who was pregnant. He wasn’t the one most would consider a walking freak show because they could even get pregnant in the first place when they weren’t the gender that should have that ability. To be honest, he was scared shitless about how the fans would react, and as he’d said before, he didn’t want to deal with the hate that would come from the haters. Otherwise, he’d have gladly told the fans about his ability and condition ages ago.

“You okay, Ashes?”

The bassist was drawn from his thoughts by his lover’s voice as he rejoined their little group. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“You sure? You looked like something was bothering you,” Andy said, concern marring his features.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he answered, nodding.

“All right. You know you can come to any of us, especially me, if you need to talk,” he reminded him, bouncing their daughter on his knee.

“I know that, but seriously, I’m fine,” Ash assured him, gently caressing his belly.

“So what do you want this time around? A boy, or a girl?” his lover asked, changing the subject.

“So long as it’s healthy, I don’t really care what it is,” he answered, smiling as he glanced down at his middle. “That was how I felt while I was pregnant with Legacy. I was surprised to find out she was a girl, but in the end, I didn’t care so long as she was healthy.”

“I kinda want a boy, especially since we already have a girl, but I feel the same way,” the frontman agreed. “Its health and happiness are more important to me than its gender.”

“Glad we agree on that, if nothing else,” he chuckled, taking Legacy when she reached out to him.

It wasn’t long before they had to start getting ready for the show, and the entire time, he put serious thought into admitting to the fans that he was pregnant. There was no doubt that they were questioning Legacy’s parentage; questions about it had been all over Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites since he’d announced he had a child around May of the previous year.

Ash knew in his heart of hearts that, even if questions weren’t being asked about his daughter’s parentage before, they’d really be asked once he announced the birth of her sibling. Not only that, but folks would be asking questions about its parentage, too, such as were they full-blooded siblings, or did they have different mothers? As far as the world knew before they came out, he was as straight as a stripper pole, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t slept with and impregnated a groupie or something before entering his relationship with Andy, and he knew it.

Course, that would leave them to wonder if he or the frontman either one had gotten someone else pregnant before or cheated during their relationship. After mulling these things over, he pulled the other man in question aside, as well as Jinxx, to ask their opinions. The multi-instrumentalist saw what he was getting at, as far as not wanting to fend off questions about their parentage any longer, nor possible allegations of cheating to result in Legacy’s little brother or sister.

His lover merely asked if he was sure he wanted to go through with this since he’d been wanting to for a while, reminding him that once they admitted it, there was no turning back. He decided once and for all that he was sick of putting himself first, and that if he got ridiculed by the haters, it was worth it. He didn’t want to fend off questions about his childrens’ parentage for the rest of their lives, nor for them to have to do that when they were older. He didn’t want to have to fend off allegations of cheating once this baby was born, should people start questioning whether they were full-blooded siblings or not. And most importantly, he was sick of lying to the ones who meant most to him besides his closest friends.

“So are you gonna go on shirtless tonight, since we’re gonna be breaking the news to the fans, anyway?” Andy asked curiously.

“I’m not self-confident enough for that,” he chuckled. “Just because my self-confidence is higher than a lot of people’s doesn’t mean I wanna show off my body while pregnant, even if I’m barely showing.”

“True enough. I was just curious,” his lover told him. “Personally, I don’t think I’d care what anyone said of my body, if it were me.”

“Suuuure,” Ash drawled, still chuckling. “I think it’d get to ya sooner or later, my love.”

“Nah. I’m pretty confident about myself, almost to the point of being considered arrogant,” the frontman insisted.

“You have no idea what pregnancy hormones will do to your mind, though,” he said.

“No, I don’t. And I’m pretty sure I don’t wanna know, first-hand,” he agreed.

“After all the tales I’d heard from women before I got pregnant with Legacy, I didn’t either,” the bassist admitted. “But now that we have such a precious daughter, I realize that it’s all worth it.”

“I’m just glad you’re confident enough about yourself that you’re willing to tell the fans,” Jinxx interjected. “It takes a strong man to admit to something like that.”

“Damn straight. I’ve hidden my secret long enough,” he agreed. “I mean, I kept it hidden before my first pregnancy because I had no reason to say anything. Once Legacy was born, people kept asking me who her mother was, but I refused to comment. That’s just going to get even worse with this baby’s birth, on top of the possibility that they’ll accuse one of us of cheating.”

“Yeah, the world thinks you’re Legacy’s father, and that her mother’s just roaming around out there,” the multi-instrumentalist agreed.

“If we don’t ’fess up now, they could think that Ash fell back on his old man-whore ways, or that I cheated because of youthful stupidity,” Andy chimed in. “Neither of us want such allegations to be made, but I didn’t wanna say anything without him agreeing first.”

“Ya know, you might’ve been an immature ass the first six months after Legacy was born, but I’ve gotta say, I can see the improvement,” their friend said thoughtfully. “I told you a year ago that, so long as I could see you making an effort with both your daughter and her mother, I wouldn’t want your balls served up on a silver platter. Keep making an effort, as well as putting the two of them before yourself like you are, and we’ll stay on good terms.”

Grinning, he quickly nodded his head and wrapped his arms around his sweetheart’s waist, pulling their bodies flush against one another as he hugged him. Ash wrapped his arms around his lover’s waist, gently resting his head on his chest above his heart as if they were slow dancing at their wedding, not preparing to go on stage for yet another show of the Kerrang! Tour.

Before they knew it, John was pounding on the door of the little room they’d taken over hours ago, telling them to get ready to take the stage. Quickly, Andy let him go and ran off after the manager to talk about extending their set by a few minutes, knowing they weren’t going to say anything until the end of the show. Ash sighed softly at the loss of his lover’s arms wrapped around him and holding him tight, one hand reaching up to caress the necklace he’d given him for Christmas while he stared at the engagement ring on the other. The guys all cooed at him that he looked so cute when he was missing his fiancé, something they’d done countless times before after he admitted that he loved him, so he paid it no mind.

Shortly thereafter, they grabbed their instruments while the frontman was handed his mic, CC having already put his sticks in his back pocket earlier. Just as he went to head on stage, he swore he saw the drummer looking at him longingly, as if he wished he were his, but he figured it was just his mind playing tricks on him and shrugged it off. Besides, he knew that even if CC did want him in such a way, he’d borne witness to all he and Andy had gone through and wouldn’t be stupid enough to do anything to drive them apart. He’d never be that spiteful to either of them and would move on eventually, whether he liked it or not.

“All right, guys. You’ve been awesome tonight, and we have an announcement we wanna make,” Andy yelled into his mic at the end of their set list.

The crowd screamed and cheered, and they could all hear chants of “Kiss!”, “Andley!”, and “Legacy!”

“Yes, this announcement does have something to do with this phenomenon you call ‘Andley’, as well as little Legacy,” he chuckled, pulling his sweetheart close. “You wanna take it from here?”

Nodding, Ash quickly took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “You guys have been asking about who the mother of my daughter Legacy is ever since I announced her birth last year,” he started, trying to slow down his racing heart. “Thankfully, you guys have allowed me my privacy when I refuse to answer or ask that you just leave it alone and say that I might tell you one of these days.”

By now, the crowd was listening to his words intently.

“Truth be told, I’ve been hiding a secret from you guys for years. When I first moved to LA, I did some things that I’m not proud of just to make ends meet and keep food on my table.” He paused to take another deep breath, tightening his grip on his lover. “Because of those things, I found out something surprising that left me barely able to function for a week.

“I found out that, by genetic mutation or something else, I was born with the reproductive systems of both genders. I never had a reason to tell anyone before, so I kept my mouth shut so I wouldn’t get ridiculed over something I have no control over,” he continued. “I made a drunken mistake in May of 2012 after one of the last few shows of our Spring AP Tour. Due to what I found out shortly after moving to LA, I found myself pregnant…with Legacy.”

Shocked gasps and murmurs rang out through the crowd, and he could see disbelieving fans covering their mouths.

“That’s right, I’m Legacy’s mother, if you wanna talk biology.” He gave a bit of a defiant and challenging look to the crowd, daring them to say otherwise.

Moments later, he heard one fan right below them ask something, but couldn’t quite make out what they’d asked.

“Can you repeat that?” he asked, getting Andy to extend his mic to the woman.

“If you’re Legacy’s mother, biologically speaking, who’s her father?” she repeated, giving him a curious look.

“Truth be told, you all know him, and he’s here with me tonight,” Ash answered, giving her a mischievous smirk.

The crowd waited, some calling out random names of people he’d been seen with, but none of them guessed correctly.

“All right, all right. Enough with the incorrect guesses!” he laughed, tears of mirth in his eyes. “You know Legacy’s…other father, if that’s how you wanna look at it, and yes, he’s here with me tonight. The reason he’s here is because…not only is he my fiancé, but he’s Black Veil Brides’ frontman, Andy Biersack!”

Once again, the crowd gasped in shock.

“But what made you guys finally decide to admit it?” the same fan asked, pulling Andy’s mic back toward her when he went to move it away.

“Ah, the question we’ve been waiting for,” his lover chuckled when he pulled his mic back in front of himself. “You see, we haven’t made it public knowledge since, until now, no one knew about my sweetheart’s secret aside from a few very close, trustworthy friends. The reason we decided to enlighten you guys is because we’re expecting another baby soon.”

More gasps sounded, but they were mixed with cheerful cries of congratulations.

“Yes, my saying that I’d been diagnosed with diabetes wasn’t true,” Ash admitted, blushing sheepishly. “I just wasn’t ready to announce my secret before, so I told Andy not to say anything. I’m currently twenty-four weeks pregnant, and after this tour, I’m gonna be taking some time off.”

He heard two more questions from a couple other fans and got his lover to extend his mic to them.

“Can you guys repeat those?”

“Do you know what the baby is?” one asked.

“And how much time will you be taking off?” the other added.

“No, we don’t know if it’s a boy or girl yet. The little rascal hasn’t been cooperating during my ultrasounds,” he chuckled, gently caressing his belly absent-mindedly. “As for how much time off I’ll be taking, I’m not sure. I plan on partaking in the second leg of the Church of the Wild Ones Tour, so long as my doctor says it’s safe for both me and the baby, but after that, I’m staying home.”

One of the second pair asked why, and he couldn’t help but feel a bit heartbroken at the thought.

“Once I get closer to twenty-seven weeks, it’s not really safe for me to be flying much of anywhere, but especially overseas. The third leg of the Church of the Wild Ones Tour is going all over Europe, and by that time, I’ll be far enough along that it’ll be too dangerous for both of us,” he said, trying not to cry. “I don’t want my baby being born too early, and I definitely don’t want it being born on a plane, possibly over the middle of an ocean, so I plan on staying home after the second leg of that tour.”

They heard understanding and sympathetic murmurs from the crowd, but they were all laced with a bit of sadness at knowing he wouldn’t be able to tour for a while.

“So long as we’re both healthy enough and I feel up to it, I plan on returning to tour life during Warped Tour this year,” Ash assured them. “It might not be at the very beginning since the baby’ll likely be only two or three weeks old at that point, but we’ll see. And if it’s not during Warped, it should definitely be the next tour after that.”

Cheers and applause sounded as the fans were given something to look forward to, and he felt Andy hug him tightly against his side.

“You guys have been great and so understanding tonight,” he said to the crowd. “If you have anymore questions for us regarding Ash’s health and plans to tour after the baby’s birth, feel free to drop by our meet-and-greet to ask us.”

The five of them threw guitar picks and sticks to the crowd as they always did, as if they hadn’t just made such a big announcement, while waving to the fans before heading backstage. Ash felt his little one kicking him gently, as if he or she were applauding him for a job well done, and he couldn’t help but grin at the thought. He gently caressed his belly again in an attempt to settle them down, grateful that it worked since he needed to run to the bathroom again.

He couldn’t help but think that, if they’d been as understanding, caring, and supportive as they were tonight, maybe the fans would’ve been all along. Maybe they would’ve had the same reaction the previous year when he was pregnant with Legacy if he’d told them, but then again, he’d hidden his pregnancy from just about everybody around him. He remembered more or less being forced to tell Jinxx since he knew he’d have ridden his back until he got an answer, and how Sammi had to be told so he’d be released from the hospital in Denmark after that migraine. He’d only told Jake and CC when he was around the same stage in his pregnancy because they basically sided with him and Jinxx over Andy’s idiocy.

If it hadn’t been for the fact that he’d kept such intimate secrets from his lover in the first place, maybe he’d have had the support of their fanbase all along. Then again, if he’d just come out and told him right from the get-go, rather than hiding it until he could hide it from the younger man no more, he might not be quite as happy as he was at the moment.

Sighing but smiling happily, he rejoined his fiancé, daughter, and brothers at the table that’d been set up for their meet-and-greet. Several fans asked him a few more questions about his pregnancy, although the one that he’d had to politely refuse were requests to touch his belly to see if they could feel the baby moving. He didn’t mind Andy, Sammi, Ella, Legacy, or the guys touching his belly, but that was where he drew the line. Other than that, things went smoothly for them and, before he knew it, it was time to head back to the bus so they could to the venue for their next show in two days.

Notes