For the love of my father

I wake up on the floor of my bedroom the floor near my wrist covered in dry blood. My heart hurts in a way it hasnt since BVB saved me. I go to the bathroom and clean the cuts on my wrist to many to even count. I bandage them up in gauze and look in the mirror .


My face shows of my tear filled night with makeup down my cheeks in rivers and smudges of blood. I wipe at my face with a baby wipe I look back in the mirror and see my cold empty eyes looking at a person I thought I left behind years ago . My eyes scan my body and reach my stomach . I sigh . changing into a sweater that I brought from the foster home that is 4 sizes to big and a pair of short I grab a glass of water from the kitchen .


Why did this happen? why ? why? Its all my fault! If anything happens to Andy Its all my fault. He is better off with Juliet .


I grab my prenatal vitamins and chew a few while drinking some water to help my dry throat from crying the night before. I open the fridge thinking I should be hungry from not eating anything but an apple for breakfast but come up feeling nothing . Not hungry,sad,ashamed,happy,afraid or anyother emotion. I eat a bagel for the sake of my babies and get a glimps of myself in the microwave. Everything is my fault...

I throw the cup of water at my reflection and scream with everything left inside me . I just feel so ..... empty and tired.....

I go to Andy's bathroom and search the medicine cabinet . No , No ,No ,Yes. I grab the bottle of sleeping pills . Taking 2 I take the bottle and lay in my bed. Slowly time ticks by until in free in my dreams.....




I wake up to a dark room and a dark house. I can still feel Maxons touch on me as well as his brothers . shivering I take another sleeping pill and go back to bed.

Morning light wakes me up . I grab some prenatal vitamins and chew them as I grab a glass of water and take some more sleeping pills.


Day, night, yesterday , today , and tomorrow all blur together as I develop a routine . Wake up eat something for the babies,Take some prenatals , Take a sleeping pill and sleep, dream of a perfect world and not feel empty for a few hours , wake back up repeat.



I dream of Andy and me and our babies in a perfect world where Juliet and Maxon and Mr.Callons never existed. My body is shaken by something and my eyes pop open in fear of Mr.callons finding me and being here to hurt me .


Blue eyes meet mine and I sigh in relief .


"Andy"

Notes

I am at the end of my rope. I have given up on so many things I cant take it any more . Im never good enough for anyone . Im not Pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough and im just so done with it . There isnt a day that goes by that I dont cry and think that the world would be better off with out me . Even my best friend in the whole world has disappeared without a trace and I cant stand being alone and unloved anymore .I just want it all to stop! I thought writing would help but it just makes me think of a life ill never have and painting and drawing makes me wish I could erase myself as easily i can any mistake . Im just giving up on myself ... Im giving up ...




QOTD: what gives you hope?