The Secrets I Keep

"Did anyone know besides the obvious like your grandparents?" Andy asked as desperately as Ashely wanted to say 'No' he knew he shouldn't lie about it. Taking a deep breath he sighed as he answered "Yeah, but only a hand full of people knew"

"Hey Ash what's the word everything OK?" Shawn asked as Ashley came out of the back. Ashley nodded as he said softly "You're not going to believe this" The older man looked at him funny as the two walked to the car. Ashley waited until they were in the car before handing over the papers. "You have to be kidding me." Shawn said Ashley shook his head as he handed over the print out.

"Oh shit, do you know what you want to do?" Shawn asked as Ashley answered "I want to think about what to do, as in how to tell the fans, as for the baby. . . I want it." Shawn sighed with shake of his head "You realize the label is going to flip their shit right?" Ashley only nodded when Shawn asked his third question "Ash, how are you going to tell the band?" Ashley let out a sigh as he said "I don't know, I don't even know if i will tell them. I have to tell the label I know that and I have to tell my family. . . as to the boys, we're not going to be on tour longer so I'm not going to be showing. . . Besides I don't know how I'm going to tell Andy."

The last part, that was something he didn't mean to say when Shawn shouted "YOU FUCKED ANDY!? Jesus Christ Purdy! We're trying to shut down they gay rumors about the two of you and you get fucking knocked up by him!?" Ashley found himself near a panic attack as he snapped in tears. "Knock it off man! It's not like I knew this would happen! I'm not some fucking teenage girl trying to keep her boyfriend by lying about being on the fucking pill!"

Shawn relaxed against the driver seat as he answered "I know Ash, I shouldn't have snapped I'm sorry. Now come on dude last thing you need is the guys freaking out about why your crying when we get back to the bus." Ashley wiped his eyes as Shawn started the car off the pharmacy to pick up his vitamins and medication.

Back on the bus the boys questioned Ashely about what the doctor had said "I'm overstressed from touring, he said the stress was causing my headaches and the pressure from my headaches is what caused my ear to bleed." Ashley told CC who looked at him strangely as Jake answered "How in the hell?" Ashley shook his head, pulling out his pill bottle reading the label for carrying it back to his bunk hiding it with the vitamins.

"I know stress can be bad news but that much pressure to make blood run out of your ears they should have hospitalized you Ashley." Juliet said as Ashley's hormones were making him annoyed with Juliet but he just kept his mouth shut as he took the papers to his medication to read over them. "Yeah I thought they would have too." He said as he sat down. Looking through the papers it was just as he expected "I can't drink for a while" He said secretly using the excuse because of his baby.

"Sucks to be you" Jake said when Ella smacked his arm as she said softly "Don't be so rude!" Ashley just chuckled as he walked back to his bunk when he heard Ella remark "See what you did! You hurt him!"

"No He didn't Ella I'm just a bit tired from the some of the shit they gave me at the ER." He said smiling at her and continued to his bunk knowing they had a sound check in two hours Ashley still set a timer on his phone just in case he did nod off. Ashley climbed into his bunk as he searched on his phone about everything he could about pregnancy. Some users on a website recommended taking vitamins at night to keep them from feeling sick, some said it was safe to work out while pregnant as long as you were careful. This would be Ashley's game plan he would keep working out, and take his vitamins at night, it was then when Ashley thought about his medication and looked at the label and read "Take at bed time, how perfect." He thought as he lay the bottle down and started to think.

They had three months left on tour, so 12 - 15 weeks in total depending on how the months ran. He was already 8 weeks or roughly two months in meaning he'd be around four or five months along, possibly six. . . fuck he hoped he wasn't showing by then. He groaned closing his eyes wondering how he was going to explain this insanity to Andy.

Ashley was startled out of a deep sleep by a knock on his bunk before CC pulled the curtain back. "Ash come on dude sound check and Shawn's going to have your head if you don't get out there." Ashley looked up at him and pulled his phone from his side cursing. "Fuck!" he said jump up pulling on his boots as he stood up grasping CC when he nearly fell. "Slow down bro!" he said with a chuckle as he followed the bassist into the venue when he nearly knocked over Shawn.

"Whoa where's the fire Ash?" Jinxx says watching him jump on stage. "I'm sorry guys I slept through my alarm." He said picking up his bass pulling it over his head when Shawn said "Your fine Ashley! Let's get this going guys We have a meet and greet in 2 hours!"

"Test your mic and bass for me Ash." said the sound manager Tony. After thinking for a second Ashley started on a riff before singing into the mic Andy started to join him when he recognized the song by AFI "The Leaving Song" Jake joined in the middle and near the end with a few chords he could remember from the song.

"OK we need to turn you up a bit you guys want to try a Brides song now?" Tony said the band spoke for a few moments before picking 'Children Surrender' as a tester. The few adjustments brought on the perfect sound and allowed the band a little down time before the nights show.

Back in the dressing room a bottle of Jack Daniels was going around, Ashley wanted it but he knew he couldn't and waved it off to the shock of Andy, Jinxx, and CC who had been away from the bus when he had returned earlier.

"The medication he has to take prevents him from being able to drink for a little while."Jake clarifying for them as to why the die hard whiskey kid was saying no to his favorite drink.

"Sorry Ash." Jinxx said feeling a litte bad for the older man as he just shrugged it off and decided to go back to the bus so he excused himself.

"Andy what did you do with them damnnit!?" Juliet said searching his bunk for her ear buds he had borrowed the day before when his stopped working. Hearing something clink to the floor she looked down see her searched for prize reaching down to pick them up she knelt by Ashley's bunk. Looking up she spied a pink and white bottle with 'Prenatal Vitmains' on the lable.

"What the hell?" she asked thinking for a moment when she saw a black and white object behind the bottle and picked it up realizing what she was looking at. "Oh My God" she said.

"Hey Juliet" She heard turning to see Ashley walking towards her he noticed what she was holding "What are you doing?" He asked telling she was scared that she just got caught. Sensing his fear she asked him honestly "Ash what is this?" She held up both the picture and the bottle.

Ashley bit his lip "I'm 8 weeks pregnant, but please don't tell any one Juliet. I will when I'm ready, but I just found out." He said with tears stinging his eyes as she rushed to him hugging him. "Is it Andy's?" she asked knowing the two fooled around a little bit when she had to be away from her boyfriend and honestly, she didn't mind.

"Despite my reputation, he's the only one I've been with. But like I asked before please don't tell him I will when I'm ready." Ashley said watching her nod and put away the items under Ashley's pillow. When reached in grabing his earlier discarded phone. "Hey Ash were ordering food you want any thing?" Andy asked walking in to spy the unknown pregnant bassist getting up from his bunk with Juliet's help. "Hey sweetheart" Andy said pressing a kiss to her forehead as she held up the earbuds.

For some reason watching them made Ashley feel alone, he wanted to move them apart and walk away but he brushed off his emotions and walked way from the couple asking "Where are we ordering from?" when they started to follow him back to the venue where Jake, Jinxx, and CC were having some discussion about Concept bands.

"Madina Lake was a genius idea that started with one of the brothers writing a story place called Madina Lake and a missing socialite named Adalia, and each album is supposed to be another piece to the puzzle to the story and you have to figure it out what happened and who did it." CC said as Ashley added "Too bad it got to be too much for the band and they gave up on the idea."

CC looked at him confused as he asked "And you know this how?" Ashley just looked at him "I read it online? Now someone mentioned ordering food?" He said as Jake just laughed.

Enjoying a little time alone after a show Ashely picked up his newest picture of the baby, now 12 weeks pregnant he was so far doing a good job of hiding it. It helped he wasn't showing and hopefully wouldn't for a little longer even though Juliet had promised to help him when that time came. He had gotten to hear the heartbeat today and it almost made him cry.

"Ashley!" he heard jumping when the curtain pulled back to reveal Andy grinning like an idiot his hand quickly shoving the pic under his butt. "How many times do I have to ask your yankee ass Do Not Do That?!" He said trying to swipe at him only to miss when Andy jumped back laughing.

"What do you want and keep it down I know CC and Jinxx are asleep. Jake might still be on the phone with Ella." Ash asked his heart calming down from the fright Andy had given him. "I just wanted to see you a minute, like you know privately. I love being with Jules but I kind of miss being with you. I'm greatful she's ok with us." There was a sparkle in Andy's eyes that made Ashley smile, but something made that sparkle fade when he spoke. "I'm going to have to choose between the two of you one day. I love you both though with all my heart."

Ashley's smile faded as took Andy's hand as he said "I know you do." He started to say something else when Andy spoke "I better get some sleep, you too Ashes. I love you" Ashley blushed letting his smile come back as Andy leaned in giving a much longed for kiss to Ashley. "Good night Angel Eyes." Ashley said watching Andy blush with a smile. "Night Outlaw."

Ashley made himself comfortable again, on the verge of falling to sleep when Juliet woke him up "Hey did you take your meds?" she asked Ashley thought for a moment and got up "If I didn't have to worry about Andy killing me I would kiss you Jules!" He said heading to the front of the bus getting a small bottle of water when he heard from Andy's bunk "I heard that! And it's a one time thing so Ash be my guest!" He said pulling back the curtian watching Ashley place a quick kiss on Juliet before he hurried on with his mission. Andy pulled the curtain back to once Juliet promissed to come to bed soon.

With her boyfriend content for a moment Juliet reached in Ashley's bunk pulling out the new ultrasound pic smiling excitedly as Ashley walked back cracking open the bottle digging for his meds and his vitamins. Juliet whispered in his ear "Did you tell him?" Ashley only shook his head as Juliet patted his back with a nod.

The supportive gesture gave Ashley comfort when she asked "What are you going to do about the flight to Ireland tomorrow, it's really not safe for you to fly pregnant." Ashley sighed as he climbed back in his bunk as he spoke "I can't miss, I mean I know I'm risking my baby but their not going to be able to find some on such short notice." Ashley stared at the bunk above him with his hand on his belly.

Juliet rested her hand on Ashley's and gave him a smile when Andy called out sleepily. "Dragonfly you coming or what?" Juliet gave a chuckle as she said with a pat on Ashley's hand. "Yeah Babe I'm coming." She gave Ashley a wink as she got up pulling the curtain to as Ashley looked at the ultrasound picture his hand again unconsciously resting on his belly. He tucked the picture away feeling sleep trying to claim him. With his hand on his stomach he spoke softly hoping none of the boys heard him. "I hope nothing happens with you tomorrow and our flight." He said, with that he pulled the blanket up to him and closed his eyes.

Ashley and the boys had their things in hand as the were getting ready to fly to Ireland. Andy was saying his goodbyes to Juliet as let go walking over to Ashley offering a hug while whispering in his ear.

"Everything will be just fine with your little one. Just try to enjoy the flight and your time there ok?" Ashley just smiled and nodded as they separated and boarded the plane. "You two seem close here lately." Andy said resting his hand Ashley's shoulder as he responded "Yeah she's help me figure somethings out."

Boarded and made himself comfortable Ashley tried to keep himself busy sketching out designs for his clothing line when the plane started to take off. Ashley just sat his things down and held on the arms of his chair.

Once in the air Ashley wasn't quite sure what was wrong all he knew was something was off. Two hours in to their flight Ashley got a sharp pain in his stomach. He resisted crying out because he had to remind himself no one knew.

His pains had gotten worse in the last few hours of his flight, when he felt something wet he got up going to the bathroom where he found blood on his clothes. He knew the risk of flying but he also regreted himself. A quick text to Juliet and he had' a doctors appointment in Dublin as soon as he landed.

One they made it there and set up Ashley quickly went to the doctor by the address Juliet had given him. His pains were still strong but Ashley had kept himself together. Outside the building Ashley paid the cab driver and walked inside. Two nurses helped him sign in then rushed him to a room.

After nearly 7 hours of having to hide his emotions Ashley lay on the table sobbing, his clothes had been changed, a doctor was feeling around his belly when a sudden rush of blood came. The Doctor flipped on the ultra sound as he pressed the wand against Ashley's stomach. A relief washed over Ashley when the familiar strong heart beat came through the speakers. "It looks as if You've had a ruptured cyst, don't worry your baby is just fine."

Notes