The Secrets I Keep

The afternoon in his home office was quiet, staring at his laptop working on more pieces for his clothing line, Ashley Purdy sighed taking a break as he glanced over at his baby girl. She was a precious little thing, just a month old and sound asleep in her bassinet. He couldn't help but fall in love with her more each day. A message from his phone snapped him out of his trance he grabbed it. It was from Andy Biersack, his band mate and best friend, asking to stop by because he had been back home in Ohio. Ashley sent him back a message before realizing Andy didn't know about his daughter currently asleep. Glancing over at her Ashley thought 'As far as he'll know I'm baby sitting you.' her eyes flutter open as she looked over at him a smile coming from behind her pacifier.

"Hi Kala" he said sweetly with a giggle as he reached down to scoop up his little wonder as he gave a heavy sigh
"You had to have his eyes didn't you?" he said softly gazing into the love filled blues. She began to fuss as he calmed her

"Hey now its OK love!" she was hungry, with his phone in his pocket and Kala against him he sang softly to her as he walked into the kitchen placing her in her bouncy seat as he talked to her. Kala's cries had turned into coo's as she watched the blur of colors of Ashley's shirt, as he continued to sing as he warmed a bottle.

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain

Her attempt to laugh just made him smile even wider as he laughed himself leaning in to press a kiss to her head. The knock on the door took him by surprise when he remembers Andy's text.

"There's daddy!" He said softly as he walked away to get the door his princess fussing because of his absence. "Oh Kala!" He Sighed knowing he had no choice but to leave her for the moment.

"Andy!" He said welcoming his friend with a hug. Kala now crying as Andy asked "you have a kid here?" Ashley just brushed it off as he said "Yeah babysitting if you dare to believe that!"Andy follows Ashley back into the kitchen as he pulls the bottle from the microwave realizing he's heated it too long.

"Kala is going to be mad with me now" he said sitting the bottle in the fridge hoping it would cool quickly. "Maybe I can distract her for you." Andy said picking up the little girl Ashley's instincts kicking in as he said "watch her head." Kala still fussed a little as Andy starts to sing a little.

"So take your hand in mine it's ours tonight,
this is a rebel love song!
Hearts will sacrifice its do or die
this Is a rebel love song!"

Andy watched as the little baby's cries soften, she seemed to look at him like she knew his voice so he sang a piece of 'Saviour'

Remember as you learn to try
To be the one you love
So I can take this pen
And teach you how to live
What is left unsaid
The greatest gift I give

Ashley's heart melted as Andy cradled Kala singing as she reached up to him, her hands on each side of his face. Ashley couldn't resist snapping the moment in front of him, with the quote "'Hugging' Daddy". Pressing send before realizing he had actually posted it as a tweet. The split second Ashley had realized what had happen his screen went black flashing an empty battery. Andy's phone sounded as he lay Kala back in her seat pulling his phone from his pocket. Ashley tried to make himself busy checking the bottle that was still too warm for Kala to drink when Andy said.

"Daddy? Ashley is this some kind of joke?" Ashley swallowed hard and decided just to tell him the truth. Turning to Andy trying to fight tears as he answered "No, its not." Andy looked back at Kala noting her eyes were the same shade of blue as his, finding his voice he asks "She's mine? Who's else is she?" His chest tightening as he tried to keep himself together Ashley said calmly "Mine, Andy this is our daughter Kala Midnight Purdy-Beirsack" Sensing the tension from her parents Kala again started to fuss, as Ashley checked her bottle deeming it safe for her. Ashley shook the bottle a little before giving it to her.

Andy still trying to process his news he asked "How?" Ashley still fighting back tears as he said simply "How do you think Andy?" Andy shook his head trying to keep his voice calm for is daughter

"Ash why didn't you tell me?" Ashley couldn't keep his tears in anymore as he answered with a his voice cracking "I didn't know how, and I was scared of what would happen to the band." Andy shook he head as he said "Do you honestly think I would let anyone take you away from Black Veil Brides? Ash, Ashley look at me."

The tears on Ashley's face spoke volumes. The older man was literally scared out of his mind right now, Andy lightly scratched Ashley's back as he said "Lets talk after you get her back down ok?" Ashley only nodded as he tried to find something else to talk about but he found himself once again entranced by Kala. "How old is she?" Andy asked snapping Ashley out of his trance.

"6 weeks old and can go through an 8 ounce bottle of formula like its water!" Ashley responded Andy just chuckled "I was told I had a pretty healthy appetite as a kid too." Smiling Ashley looked back at Kala noting her tiny eyes getting heavy. "Give her 10 more minutes and she be gone completely." Ashley said softly Andy chuckled.

"She's beautiful Ashley, you've done an amazing job with her" he said gazing at Kala as Ashley pulled the bottle from her mouth. Not even waking up Ashley lifted one Kala's hands as high as he could letting it drop. "OK now let me get her upstairs in her crib without waking her up." Ashley said scooping Kala up carefully and started up stairs when he looked over his shoulder at Andy

"Come on!" He said softly as Andy followed him up the stairs across from the master bedroom that belonged to his bassist. A lilac colored 'K' painted on the door with silver and gold accents. Ashley opened it to reveal a room in the same lilac color with cherry wood furniture. But what really caught Andy's eye was the mural across from the crib, it was of a picture Andy had only seen once, it was Ashley's parents on their wedding day.

"Did you do this?" Andy asked pointing to the painting. Ashley nodded answering "I had some help with it but, its the only way she'll ever see her grandparents Andy." the tone of sadness broke Andy's heart for Ashley and for their daughter, Ashley reached into a bear pulling out a small iPod with wires coming out of it. Ashley pressed play, Andy heard the familiar words of 'Done For You' very softly coming through a speaker in the bear. Ashely gave Kala a small smile as he reached in to pet her before giving a smile and slipping out. Still silent the two walked down stairs, walking back into the kitchen Ashley mentally preparing himself for a conversation he knew wouldn't be easy.

"Coffee Andy?" Ashley asked softly getting down a simple white mug Ashley sat down at the bar as he said "Sure" Ashley sat down another mug filling Andy's first and set it in front of him reaching in a lower cabinet for the sugar and reached into the fridge for his creamer. He raised it towards Andy as an ofference but Andy just shook his head as Ashley finished making his coffee and walked over across from where Andy sat.

"Let's cut the bullshit, How did you get pregnant, When did you know, and who knows besides me?" Andy said taking a sip of his coffee. Ashley sighed as he sat down with his coffee and stared at his cup for a minute before he spoke. "I knew on tour. Remember those god awful headaches I would get?"

"Ash you alright sweetheart?" Juliet asked sitting down next to him as he sat with his head in his hands. "My head" was all Ashley could get out without wanting to sob. Their tour manager Shawn looked at him "Think you can make it through tonight Rocket?" he asked watching Ashley cringe at the feel of another sharp pain in his right temple.

"Oh god just shut up everyone please!" Ashley said this time actually breaking down when Jake walked over kneeling in front of him asking almost in whisper.

"Can I try something my mom used to use on me?" Ashley didn't answer he just nodded as Jake gave a gentle pat to Ashley's arm as he said in the same tone, "It might smart a little but I've got to use some pressure for this work ok?" Ashley still crying said "If it helps, I don't care."

Giving a nod, Jake stood up, running his thumbs along the base of Ashley's skull and some along the back of his neck. After about five minutes Jake stopped and knelt back down next to the bassist. "Give that about 30 minutes It may not take all of the pain away but it will make it some bearable." He said Ashley only nodded with a barely audible 'Thank You'.

Ashley made it through that night but when the headaches wouldn't let up Shawn demanded Ashley see a doctor after the headache the night before left a large amount of blood on his pillow from his ear. Ashley wasn't going to fabricate his fear of what was making him ill. His first thought was cancer or a tumor of some sort. He had been at the hospital for nearly 5 hours test after test had been run but something had show up on the CATscan they had just finished. There had to have been for them to stop so suddenly and send him back to the room he was sitting in. He was clutching the edge of the table he sat on fighting back the nerves rising bile in his stomach. Breathing deep to try to settle himself the door open to the cute blond who had been coming in and out of his room for the last few hours.
"Can you tell me anything?" He asked she looked up at him with pretty hazel eyes answering "No I think Dr. Morgan is still doing some research, he should be in soon though." she gave Ashley a sweet smile as she handed him two Tylenol and a cup of water for his headache that had started about 20 minutes ago.

Taking the pills Ashley lay down after the cute nurse exited, 'What in the hell could this be?" he thought his nerves worse than before. It didn't take long for Dr. Morgan to walk through the door. He skipped small talk and asked Ashley straight.

"Ashley did you ever work in the porn industry between 2000-2005?" Something he wasn't very proud of but still answered the question "Yeah I did a few pieces to get me off the streets." The doctor looking to be in in early 40's sighed as he looked back through his notes "They probably recommended a shot to help your immune system from STDs called Anoxsylin?" Ashley nodded as his nerves got even worse as he listened.

"There was a reason the industry stopped using that, it caused a side effect that would change the male gender, Are you gay or bi sexual Ashley?" He wasn't sure what to think but again nodded. "Ashley, You're pregnant" He said Ashely felt lightheaded "How?" was all he could manage as he hung his head trying to focus once again.

"Anoxsylin was originally called Andronox, that was created to help those considering transgender to actually transfer genders naturally, but some how in stead of helping it actually started killing the patients taking it. It was diluted with other things and shipped out to make money for the company. Doctors recommended by adult movie companies started using it, and labeled it as an aid to fight STDs." Dr. Morgan said Ashley looked back up as he said "So what I'm a hermaphrodite or something?"

Dr. Morgan straighten up as he glanced back at his notes. "Yes, medically you are a hermaphrodite. As for your headaches, your stressed and the confusion your body is going through with you being pregnant doesn't help." Ashley nodded as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"This isn't an easy pill to take I imagine." Dr. Morgan said resting his hand on Ashley's shoulder who snapped back to reality as he looked at the doctor scared asking "What do I do or what should I do?"

"Think long and hard before you do anything, give it a good week at the most. In the mean time lets get a good look at whats going on inside you" Dr. Morgan said as Ashley nodded as he got up from the bed where he sat following him down the hall. The room was small and the machine let out a soft hum, Ashley lay down on the bed lifting his shirt as instructed. Ashley didn't even realize how cold the gel placed on his skin was with his spinning thoughts.

"There we are, looks like you're about 8 weeks along, everything looks very good Ashley." Looking at the screen solidified everything for him, it was going to be interesting to hide but he was going to keep this kid. But two questions still loomed in his mind as he cleaned off the gel and Dr. Morgan placed the machine on sleep until it was needed again. "Doc, how come I never had like a period or anything?"

Notes