The Secrets I Keep

At three and a half months Ashley was watching everything like a hawk, from his cravings to how tight he let his clothes be on and off stage. Juliet had made some alterations but he knew he need new ones quickly. He had even starting wearing shirts on stage to much of the fans surprise.

Though he wasn't showing Ashley felt like he was everyday and Juliet was willing to let him whine to her in private or by text. The band was back in the US for the month with part a few dates in Canada, they would then travel from there through northern states of Ohio, Illinois, and Iowa with a day break off for Jake and Jinxx to visit family and friends.

It would then the next two weeks would be a few midwest shows before winding down in their hometown of Hollywood CA, and take a about a good 6 months break before the band started on their new album they had all discussed by fall. Ashley and Andy had already been working on a few songs already.

But Ashley pushed the thoughts about work a side as he rested in his hotel bed his guitar in his lap as he played around with a couple of chord combinations trying to work on a song. One he wasn't sure he would write for the band or keep to himself and use on his own album one day. As his mind blanked on lyrics Ashley decided to pick a favorite song to just enjoy.

i don't need to be a superman
as long as you will always be my biggest fan
heaven isn't too far away
closer to it every day

Ashley stopped at the feeling of bubbles in his stomach, he had remember once reading about how movement felt like popping bubbles or butterflies. Moving his guitar on the bed he couldn't help but laugh as the little being inside him continued to kick and jump.

A sudden knock at his door startled him slightly he pulled on a flannel shirt. Juliet smiled on the other side "Hey little Mama!" She said excitedly as she stepped inside Ashley relaxed a little as he closed the door as he said "Oh you missed it! The baby was moving when I was playing guitar!" Juliet couldn't help but smile at his excitement when she checked her phone "Aw!! Hey that appointments in 20 minutes."

Ashley pulled on a pair jeans, they were the biggest pair he owned but still it was getting harder to button them. "Ok I have got to get out and shop today I'm worried about the pressure these could be putting on her." Ashley said as he grabbed his shirt and a pair of boots. Juliet just nodded as she answered "Yeah we're going shopping after the appointment and I'm picking out something for the baby, No arguing!" Ashley didn't respond as he just laughed and nodded.

The private doctor's office was just a few blocks away from the hotel, a quick bit of paper work done and Ashley was taken back. Juliet stayed behind for the time being. After the usuals of blood pressure & temperature, Ashley was resting back against the table. He was sending another crazy message to CC when the doctor came in.

Ashley quickly sent his message and closed his phone "Hello Ashley!" she said giving him a smile. Ashley gave her one back as she asked him a few questions about how he had been recently and had anything unusual been going on with the baby. Most of her answers were what she had expected. He had been fine and nothing on usual had been going on. With that she asked him to lie back and lift his shirt, He followed the procedure as she stepped out of the room to pull in the ultrasound machine.

As it came on she lightly presses on Ashley's belly finding the baby as Ashley asked "why am I not showing yet?" She gave a chuckle answering as she squeezed the cold gel that made Ashley jump a bit.

"Not everybody shows when they think they should be, with you being a male you one will have a very small bump or may not even show at all. it all depends on your body." The response made Ashley slightly worried as he again spoke "Will that harm my baby?"

The doctor cracked a smile at him as she turn the monitor his way and said "You mean your daughter?" Ashley felt tears prick his eyes at the word 'daughter' He just stared at the screen as he listened "No, that won't harm the baby, she may have a little bit a low weight but nothing that would require a hospital stay unless she's born early." Ashley snapped his attention to her, a new question causing a new worry.

"What are the odds of that happening?" he asked then wondering why he was being so talkative today. "Male pregnancies tend to have earlier delivery than a woman's pregnancy. It's usually anywhere from 2-5 weeks earlier than the projected due date. The biggest concern would be making sure your past week 35. Even at that, it may require a hospital stay. Its all depending on her, and as far as I can see here she's doing great Ashley." Ashley thanked her and left to tell an excited

Andy looked at him for a moment as he asked "Was she early?" Ashley snapped out of his thoughts as he caught the flash of the metal lighter sporting the letter 'A'. "Oh no don't! You are not smoking at my house Biersack!" Andy rolled his eyes as he responded "As if I would even think about doing that around you! Especially when you have to take care of our daughter?" Andy said, surprised the comment leaving Ashley breathless. Andy closed the lighter and spoke "I'm trying to quit actually." as he lay his hand on top of Ashley's. He took the bassist's hand pressing a kiss to the top making Ashley blush as he said. "Tell me about the day she was born."

Stepping out of the shower Ashley ran a towel through his hair and over his body pausing as he caught his reflection in the mirror. The band was on the last few days of the tour and had been talking about taking a break, at least a few months. Ashley still had another 3 months left then maybe another month before he could start working out, and get his body back to what it used to be. Looking at the small swell no bigger that two stacked fists, he smiled at the harder kicks beneath his skin. "Ashes! Band meeting and were waiting for you!" Jinxx yelled out making Ashley jump slightly "I'm on my way bro!" He said trying not to sound pissy. For some reason Jinxx had been annoying the hell out of him.

"He doesn't know Ashley just relax you know how much of soft ass he can be." Ashley said to himself as he pulled on his clothes making sure his bump didn't show. He grabbed his towel and threw it over his head as he hurried into the a living room like spot that was in the center of the pent house they had been placed in thanks to a new girls screw up with their room booking.

"Ok guys I know you have talked about taking a break I know we also want to get to work on the new album, Jake and Jinxx, thats not very hard for the two of you. As for Andy, Ashley, and CC it's not quite that easy." Everyone nodded listening to their manager Jon as he asked "Are you guys wanting time with family or are there other things going on in your lives that require time off?" Ashley slightly irritated at the man for asking such a personal question.

"I need some time with Sam." Jinxx said as Jake nodded in agreement. "Ella's thinking about moving to the US. I'm going to need to help her with all the right papers and things." He said as Andy spoke next

"My family's been asking me to come see them." Ashley nodded as he spoke

"Same here, my grandma's not been in the greatest health lately and I'd like to get out there to check on her."

The other members gave him a nod, they knew Ashley had gotten some phone calls recently where his grandmother had been placed in the hospital for her heart. An issue she had dealt with all of her life.

"Ash you do know if we need to Jinxx and I could fill in on Bass for you on the new record then just go over the cords with you when you get back." Jake said Ashley gave a nod "Yeah lets do that. It's going to be strange because I didn't come up with the chords but it's what we need to do."

"So how long are we thinking boys? three, maybe four months?" with each member giving a nod the boys each retreated to there rooms to unwind before they hit the road again in the morning.

Ashley had just stepped back into his room when he heard a knock on the door. He walked ever opening it to Jon. "Hey man can I talk to you for a moment?" He asked as Ashley gave him a nod stepping a side to let him in.

"Shawn told me about the baby." Jon said as Ashley for some reason look down, he quickly said

"Hey man it's ok, the label actually wants you to take an extra two months off to help you. Give you and the baby plenty time together, are you thinking about keeping her at home or bringing her on tour next time?" Ashley just sighed shaking his head "I haven't thought about it honestly Jon, I still haven't told Andy."

Jon rested his hand on Ashley's shoulder, as he said "You'll find away, just take it a day at a time." Ashley thanked him as he said good night and made his way to his own room.

Coming home hadn't felt so good but Ashley also knew he had a road still ahead, He walked into room across from his own. He had the idea to follow Jake and Jinxx idea to make a home studio. But now it looked like he was going to need it for other reasons.

Day by day he moved guitars, amps, and basses down into his Office and started ordering furniture to set up in the room. It was later when he was visiting back home he found his parents wedding picture, he had gone home after a frantic call from his Aunt when his grandmother was rushed to the ER after a heart attack and vomiting blood.

Ashley had hoped the last scare would be his last rush trip home. That turned out not to be the case when he was close to his due date. Ashley had been resting working on a few pieces for his clothing line when his phone rang, his grandpa's picture coming up.

"Hey grandpa." He said sitting down his sketch book and rested his hand on his now well obvious bump. "Ashley, It's your grandma." Ashley felt his blood run cold as he asked "I . . . Is she ok?" the silence was making him sick as he listened "It's her heart, and it's not good son. I know with the baby you can't travel but your grandma wanted me to call you." Ashley could only say thank you, asked him to keep him posted, tell his grandma he loved her and reminded his grandpa he loved him too.

Hanging up the phone Ashley couldn't focus and He thought about calling Juliet but she was with Andy and ran risk of him hearing or reading texts. He decided to text a close friend Asia Madeline, she was over in minutes. The moment the door closed Ashley just sobbed on her shoulder for several moments before she finally calmed him, reminding him the stress wasn't good for the baby.

An hour after Asia came over Ashley started to feel odd, not sick, but not ok either. Asia offered to stay the night knowing the bassist was due any moment, explaining Andy had gone home to see family. Ashley thanked her and went to lie down the bright eyed red head gave him a nod and watch him head off to his room.

Asia started to cook when Ashley got up feeling some better two hours later, but it would be another 20 minutes before a strong pain washed through his stomach, waist, and some down the back of his legs. "What the hell!?" Ashley groaned from the couch, Asia rushed to find him curled in holding his small bump. "Ash? what happened?" she asked running her fingers down his back. "I, I'm not sure, I think I had a contraction."

"Should I call Darcie?" she asked asking about the midwife Ashley had been seeing in the last few months to avoid being caught. "They just started so I don't think so just yet, I mean they could be false labor." He said sitting back against the couch letting go of a breath he didn't realise he was holding.

His contractions were sporadic at first, then they started to become regular at 15 minutes apart. When he started getting sick thanks to the pain, Asia asked again about calling Darcie. His contractions started coming at eight minutes apart, though they sometimes felt closer than that. With his current contraction settled Ashley had gotten up for a bottle of water offering one to Asia who thanked him but said no.

Walking back Ashley felt a pop from the inside the for a second brushed it off until he felt something warm on his legs and look down to realize what had happen.
"Asia? Call Darcie?" he said just in time as a contraction stronger than the last few hit him hard.

Darcie arrived not long after but still in time for Ashley's contractions to get tighter at 6 minutes apart. Asia was trying comfort him through a contraction when there was a knock at the door. "Just relax and remember to breathe." She said hurrying to the door. Darcie and Asia spoke about Ashley for a few minutes as they walked into the living room. The bassist lying on his side trying to relieve some pressure that had begun to build in his hips.

"Hey you!" Darcie said kneeling next to the couch as he tried to smile up at her, She opened up her bag and pulled out a pair of blue exam gloves and slipped them on as she asked "How do you feel?" the killing look she received explained everything as she just chuckled and petted him for a moment then lightly pressed around his belly.

Ashley tried to distract himself from the thought of someone looking between his legs, but at the same time it was a reminder he was going to have a baby coming out of him as a woman would her own body. Ashley knew his pregnancy had been real but his current thoughts made everything hit him like a train.

He was about to deliver a child, Andy's child. He was snapped out of his thoughts as Darcie spoke "You're doing really well but you still have a little to go before the princess can join us, You're at 6 cm. . .4 more to go kid." She patted his now bare knee as he looked up at her asking "How long could that take?"

"Eh, couple hours maybe? Long enough for you to find where you want to have the baby, I recommend your bed that way we're right by the bathroom, because the closer you get the more pain you're going to get into. And sometimes hot water is the best recommendation I can give to help ease the pain. Are you sure you still want to have Her at home? We have plenty of time if you want to make it to a hospital." She said watching him shake his head.

Notes

Title and Lyrics from the song "Heaven" by Warrant