Sometimes You Just Have To Let Go
Millstone part two
Scarlett’s P.O.V.
Andy jumped out of the car and came to my side to open the door.
He held out his hand for me to take but I just kept staring at where he had brought me.
He had set up a small picnic in a field that overlooked a lake, with a beautiful tree that hung over it, it’s branches reaching out to gently touch the water. It was gorgeous.
*cough cough*
Andy nervously coughed, breaking my stare and causing me to look at him, wide eyed. “You like it… right?..” he asked looking away from me
“Of course, Andy, it’s gorgeous…” I said breathily, looking back to the view.
“Are you gunna get out of the car…?” He asked
“Oh yeah, sorry..” I said slightly blushing and pushing myself out of my seat, but not taking his hand to help me. I was going to continue to push him away, because after all, that’s what I do best.
I walked past him, but I could feel his eyes lingering on me, probably wondering why I was so fucked up. He’s probably going to ask me all these questions and then im going to ruin such a beautiful place, such a beautiful moment…
I sighed as I sat down on the blanket that had been laid out and pulled my knees up to my chest, staring out over the water.
“Alright, what’s wrong” Andy questioned as he plopped down next to me. I quickly threw on my best fake smile and turned to him.
“What do you mean?” I said still smiling, probably looking crazy.
“I know your real smile, and that is definitely not it.” My smile faltered and I just looked at him.
“I…. I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said smiling again, but unfortunately being totally obvious. -.-
“I saw your real smile, when you were in the crowd at my concert. I saw it when you said goodbye to Alex. I see it when you don’t even realize it”
I looked back over the lake, resting my chin on my knees.
“I’m not sure what you want me to tell you” I sighed, not wanting to open up
“Come on, just open up to me” He said pleading with me.
“God I’m so fucking tired of people wanting me to open up to them. Because every time I do they always leave me like the person before them and the person before that.” I snapped at him unintentionally.
He didn’t answer and I knew I had probably hurt his feelings for snapping at him, I mean he is just trying to help…
“I’m sorry…” I sighed and glancing over at him where he was now looking at the ground.
“I just… Can’t” I closed my eyes and just focused on the smooth breeze that hit my face
“You can. I want to just listen to you, even if you just vent about every shitty thing in your life. Even if all you want to talk about is fucking how sexy ryan gosling is, I want to be here for you. I want to listen.”
I giggled slightly about the Ryan Gosling part
“I mean the notebook is a pretty great fucking movie” I said smirking and turning my head towards him, locking eyes.
“There it is”
“There’s what..?” I said giving him a confused look.
“Your real smile. The one you use whenever you talk about something you really love, like music, or apparently Ryan Gosling”
I smiled softly again
“Sometimes I forget the difference between real and fake…” I mumble
“Well I can definitely see the difference..” He whispered staring at me
He slowly started to move towards me, and my eyes widened as I quickly turned back towards the lake once again.
HOLY SHIT WAS HE TRYING TO KISS ME?
Wait, probably not, he wouldn’t. Would he…?
Suddenly I felt myself being poked in the ribs. I jumped up and slightly moved back because I’m extremely ticklish. Uh Oh…
Andy jumped on top of me, causing me to lightly fall on my back as he started to tickle the shit out of me.
I gasped and giggled like crazy and tried to thrash around but he held me in place.
“Andy… STOP! Hahahahaha” I managed to gasp out
“Not until you talk to me and tell me what’s wrong.” He replied
“Okay OKAY!” I said between my giggling fit
He stopped and got off of me. I laid there for a few seconds to catch my breath. FUCK. Now I would have to tell him something…
I sat up and propped myself up with my hands.
I took a breath and slowly let it out.
“Depression is a cunt..” I said softly.
“You have depression?”
“Isn’t that kind of obvious?” I replied sarcastically. “It kinda runs in my family” I said playing with some grass between my fingers.
“Is that why you cut?...” He asked carefully
My face got deadly serious as I looked out to the lake, keeping my eyes there, not daring to look at the blue eyed god sitting next to me.
“Do you know what it’s like to constantly feel like you’re on the verge of a break down. Like you want to scream and cry at any moment, for no reason, or because everything had built up to that point. Or how about to be constantly filled with self-hate. Constantly wanting to die. And for what? Why? Because I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I constantly hurt. Maybe not physically at first, but my mind can convince my body to physically hurt itself. And constantly wanting to be alone, but no one will leave you alone, they constantly surround you. But no matter how many people surround you, you still feel so utterly alone. Sometimes I just want to be that way on the outside too… Alone… And maybe that’s why I cut. I’m so scarred on the inside and I want to show it on the outside. How fucked it that, right? My life is filled with constants. But none of them are good and I still haven’t learned how to accept and control them. Constant self-hate, constant wanting to be alone, constantly acting like it’s okay when in reality you’re shattering into a million fucking pieces. Constantly on the verge of a break down, but still not knowing when you’ll actually break…” I whispered the last sentence softly and I could feel him hanging onto every word. He stayed silent for a while and I just closed my eyes, knowing I had probably just lost someone I might have wanted in my life, no matter how much I denied it.
I sighed. “You know I used to be normal. Well at least as normal as I could get.” I smirked. I kept talking to fill the silence I was so afraid of.
“I got good grades, I had a lot of friends, I made my parents proud, well when they weren’t too busy drinking and fighting with each other…” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and saw him watching me intently.
“I used to know how to control this. It was never this bad…” I trailed off feeling tears start to fill up just thinking about the old me… The one who was happy and didn’t give a shit about most things. I stopped talking, knowing if I said more I would cry, and I couldn’t cry in front of him.
He still didn’t say anything and I blinked, keeping my eyes shut a bit longer, squeezing them together in hurt. He didn’t expect me to be this fucked up. I abruptly stood up and brushed my hands together before walking away without giving a glance to Andy. I couldn’t stand the silence. Waiting while he sat there silently judging me.
I started to walk faster and faster, breaking into a run, following along the lake until I made it to a large willow tree who’s flowers reached down to the ground, like in the movie Pocahontas. I parted my way under the tree until I disappeared behind it and climbed onto a low hanging branch to sit on. What a fucking crazy bitch I must look like to him right now…
Andy jumped out of the car and came to my side to open the door.
He held out his hand for me to take but I just kept staring at where he had brought me.
He had set up a small picnic in a field that overlooked a lake, with a beautiful tree that hung over it, it’s branches reaching out to gently touch the water. It was gorgeous.
*cough cough*
Andy nervously coughed, breaking my stare and causing me to look at him, wide eyed. “You like it… right?..” he asked looking away from me
“Of course, Andy, it’s gorgeous…” I said breathily, looking back to the view.
“Are you gunna get out of the car…?” He asked
“Oh yeah, sorry..” I said slightly blushing and pushing myself out of my seat, but not taking his hand to help me. I was going to continue to push him away, because after all, that’s what I do best.
I walked past him, but I could feel his eyes lingering on me, probably wondering why I was so fucked up. He’s probably going to ask me all these questions and then im going to ruin such a beautiful place, such a beautiful moment…
I sighed as I sat down on the blanket that had been laid out and pulled my knees up to my chest, staring out over the water.
“Alright, what’s wrong” Andy questioned as he plopped down next to me. I quickly threw on my best fake smile and turned to him.
“What do you mean?” I said still smiling, probably looking crazy.
“I know your real smile, and that is definitely not it.” My smile faltered and I just looked at him.
“I…. I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said smiling again, but unfortunately being totally obvious. -.-
“I saw your real smile, when you were in the crowd at my concert. I saw it when you said goodbye to Alex. I see it when you don’t even realize it”
I looked back over the lake, resting my chin on my knees.
“I’m not sure what you want me to tell you” I sighed, not wanting to open up
“Come on, just open up to me” He said pleading with me.
“God I’m so fucking tired of people wanting me to open up to them. Because every time I do they always leave me like the person before them and the person before that.” I snapped at him unintentionally.
He didn’t answer and I knew I had probably hurt his feelings for snapping at him, I mean he is just trying to help…
“I’m sorry…” I sighed and glancing over at him where he was now looking at the ground.
“I just… Can’t” I closed my eyes and just focused on the smooth breeze that hit my face
“You can. I want to just listen to you, even if you just vent about every shitty thing in your life. Even if all you want to talk about is fucking how sexy ryan gosling is, I want to be here for you. I want to listen.”
I giggled slightly about the Ryan Gosling part
“I mean the notebook is a pretty great fucking movie” I said smirking and turning my head towards him, locking eyes.
“There it is”
“There’s what..?” I said giving him a confused look.
“Your real smile. The one you use whenever you talk about something you really love, like music, or apparently Ryan Gosling”
I smiled softly again
“Sometimes I forget the difference between real and fake…” I mumble
“Well I can definitely see the difference..” He whispered staring at me
He slowly started to move towards me, and my eyes widened as I quickly turned back towards the lake once again.
HOLY SHIT WAS HE TRYING TO KISS ME?
Wait, probably not, he wouldn’t. Would he…?
Suddenly I felt myself being poked in the ribs. I jumped up and slightly moved back because I’m extremely ticklish. Uh Oh…
Andy jumped on top of me, causing me to lightly fall on my back as he started to tickle the shit out of me.
I gasped and giggled like crazy and tried to thrash around but he held me in place.
“Andy… STOP! Hahahahaha” I managed to gasp out
“Not until you talk to me and tell me what’s wrong.” He replied
“Okay OKAY!” I said between my giggling fit
He stopped and got off of me. I laid there for a few seconds to catch my breath. FUCK. Now I would have to tell him something…
I sat up and propped myself up with my hands.
I took a breath and slowly let it out.
“Depression is a cunt..” I said softly.
“You have depression?”
“Isn’t that kind of obvious?” I replied sarcastically. “It kinda runs in my family” I said playing with some grass between my fingers.
“Is that why you cut?...” He asked carefully
My face got deadly serious as I looked out to the lake, keeping my eyes there, not daring to look at the blue eyed god sitting next to me.
“Do you know what it’s like to constantly feel like you’re on the verge of a break down. Like you want to scream and cry at any moment, for no reason, or because everything had built up to that point. Or how about to be constantly filled with self-hate. Constantly wanting to die. And for what? Why? Because I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I constantly hurt. Maybe not physically at first, but my mind can convince my body to physically hurt itself. And constantly wanting to be alone, but no one will leave you alone, they constantly surround you. But no matter how many people surround you, you still feel so utterly alone. Sometimes I just want to be that way on the outside too… Alone… And maybe that’s why I cut. I’m so scarred on the inside and I want to show it on the outside. How fucked it that, right? My life is filled with constants. But none of them are good and I still haven’t learned how to accept and control them. Constant self-hate, constant wanting to be alone, constantly acting like it’s okay when in reality you’re shattering into a million fucking pieces. Constantly on the verge of a break down, but still not knowing when you’ll actually break…” I whispered the last sentence softly and I could feel him hanging onto every word. He stayed silent for a while and I just closed my eyes, knowing I had probably just lost someone I might have wanted in my life, no matter how much I denied it.
I sighed. “You know I used to be normal. Well at least as normal as I could get.” I smirked. I kept talking to fill the silence I was so afraid of.
“I got good grades, I had a lot of friends, I made my parents proud, well when they weren’t too busy drinking and fighting with each other…” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and saw him watching me intently.
“I used to know how to control this. It was never this bad…” I trailed off feeling tears start to fill up just thinking about the old me… The one who was happy and didn’t give a shit about most things. I stopped talking, knowing if I said more I would cry, and I couldn’t cry in front of him.
He still didn’t say anything and I blinked, keeping my eyes shut a bit longer, squeezing them together in hurt. He didn’t expect me to be this fucked up. I abruptly stood up and brushed my hands together before walking away without giving a glance to Andy. I couldn’t stand the silence. Waiting while he sat there silently judging me.
I started to walk faster and faster, breaking into a run, following along the lake until I made it to a large willow tree who’s flowers reached down to the ground, like in the movie Pocahontas. I parted my way under the tree until I disappeared behind it and climbed onto a low hanging branch to sit on. What a fucking crazy bitch I must look like to him right now…
Notes
Sorry for not updating for forever. I've been trying to deal with my own depression and self harm problems. I can't gurantee when i'll update but thank you guys for continuing to read this, it really means a lot to me. Side note, Who's going to warped tour?! Because i'm going to the one in Conecticut and Colorado and i'm fucking excited. I'm also going to a paramore/fall out boy concert june 19th. So i guess i have quite a lot of stuff to look forward to... Anywayss, COMMENT RATE SUBSCIRBE! <3
@bvb army girl 64
Thank you!!!!
8/30/14