Ash’s POV

An unknown amount of time had passed while I was in the closet. Who ever had dragged me in there used me and left me to suffer in the dark since they were oh-so-kind to lock me in there. Who ever they were, they hit me and did unspeakable things to me. I tried calling for help but no one ever came. Picking my beaten, bloodied and bruised body off the floor, I managed to get the door open and get to the bathroom. Once I was in there, I locked the door after making sure it was empty. I washed away all the blood that was visible and put a ton of foundation and concealler on the bruises that were left. As I moved my wrist, I cried out in pain. I saw something sticking out and it didn’t look good. When I was done cleaning myself up, the only thing that showed what happened was my eyes. I had some of the shine I once had in them gone in an instant. Things were looking up and then this happened. Unlocking the bathroom door, I limped to my locker and got my stuff. It was well into last period. I waited for the bell to ring and when it did, I walked home. Jinxx wasn’t there which was odd but it didn’t really bother me. Instead, I took a hot shower and tried not to move my wrist and with every small movement, it hurt more and more. I was quite certain it was broken. Jinxx texted me saying he was on his way home. Grabbing my skateboard, I ‘practiced’ outside until I saw his car pull up. I then pretended to fall and really did scream out in pain as my wrist made contact with the ground.


He saw what happened and then locked the house up and got me in the car and drove me to the ER. They did an x-ray and found out that my wrist was indeed broken. Jinxx filled out my paperwork and then the doctor put my purple cast on. Jinxx signed it first and teased me about it; little did he know how I really got it. When we finally went home, we (he) ate dinner and hung out for a little bit. It was actually pretty nice. CC texted me saying he got expelled after punching that guy again in the office and then screaming, “fuck you mother fuckers, I’m fucking done. This is a load of fucking shit. You’re all fucking ass holes.”

I told CC that I was skateboarding and fell and broke my wrist earlier. He was worried and wanted to come make sure I was okay but I told him that it was fine and that I was okay. To bad I was really far from okay. Jinxx called me down for dinner and unlike all the other times; we sat together and ate like a family. I took a small amount and unlike the other times, I couldn’t fake eating it all and I had to eat it all. When I was done, I put my plate in the sink and then excused myself back to my room to do homework. Once in the safety of my room and after locking the door, I put my Ipod on the dock and then played a random song. Going into the bathroom that was connected to my room, I locked the door. The events of the day came crashing back to me. CC got expelled, I got beaten and violated in the bathroom and my wrist was broken. Taking out the box of blades that was hidden under the sink, I found the sharpest blade and attacked my skin with it.


My heart was pounding in my chest, my vision was blurred with all the tears, and there was blood everywhere. Flashbacks began to run through my mind, I was physically sick to my stomach. Throwing up what little I ate, I clutched onto the toilet for dear life. When the nausea and the flashbacks went away, I took in my surroundings. The floor, toilet and sink were covered in blood as well as my arms and clothes. I quickly wiped up what was on the floor and sink as well as toilet before cleaning up my arms, legs, stomach and hips. Once the mess was cleaned up and it looked as clean as it once did, I looked at myself. My eyes were dead; there was no sparkle or shine left. The bruises looked darker than ever and the cuts on my lip were now noticeable. I felt like shit to match how I looked like shit. Woozy from the blood loss, I unlocked my bathroom door and went back into the main part of my room. Picking up a black long sleeve shirt, I managed to put it on around my cast. I then put on a black hoodie and black sweat pants. Unlocking the door, I crawled into my bed and cried my self to sleep.



Beep. Beep. Beep.


I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock going off. When it didn’t stop, I took the batteries out and sighed. I felt like shit. My dreams were plagued with nightmares and I woke crying and screaming several times. All I wanted to do was fade away into the sheets of my bed and not exist anymore. I wanted to be one with the sheets and as lame as that sounds, I wanted it badly. Hatred, disgust, loathe, and a lot of other negative words crossed my mind when I thought of myself. Looking at the time on my phone, which I did get back, from Andy and CC, I read that it was 6:30. Well that gives me 30 minutes less to get ready. Oh well. Getting out of bed, I was very careful to not move my cuts in a way that would cause them to bleed again. I decided on black skinny jeans in case any of the cuts bled, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie again. The only makeup I put on was to cover the bruises and some eyeliner and mascara to make it look like I did care a little bit about my appearance.

Slipping my shoes on, I went down stairs with my bag to the kitchen. Jinxx wasn’t up yet so I got a plate out, rearranged the fridge a little bit and then put the plate in the sink and rinsed it. When I was done I went to brush my teeth and then wait for Jinxx to take me to school. BEEP. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I saw that I had a new text message from CC. Unlocking my phone I read, “Ash! It seems that something happened again and I’m now an adult!” my first reaction was lucky bastard and the next reaction was why wasn’t I an adult yet. I sent back, “Awesome! Glad to here that you’re an adult again! (:” He sent back, “so you didn’t change yet?” I sent back, “No. I gotta go. I’m on my way to school and my phone’s dying again. :/ Talk to you later bro.”


Jinxx then came down the stairs just as I put my phone away and asked, “you ready for school?” I nodded and put my bag on carefully. The drive was silent and awkward. Just as I was about to get out, Jinxx stopped me and said, “have a good day at school, don’t get into too much trouble and if anyone gives you trouble, let me know. Got it?” I nodded and waved awkwardly as I went into the school building.As I walked in, everyone’s eyes were on me. People would huddle around a phone and then point and laugh at me like I told a joke and it was the funniest thing ever.

I cast my eyes to the ground as I walked to my locker. Getting my books, I went to my math class early and sat at my desk. For the first time in a long time, I understood the lesson and had the homework done before class was even over. It felt amazing to finally understand something and the best part; I began to understand a lot more of the chapter. Going to my next class, I got the homework done and zoned out for the rest of class since we weren’t really doing anything. In science, I still had issues with what we were doing but I understood it better. It seems like that with CC around, I was distracted and now, now I’m able to learn even though I’m still terrified of everyone. My anxiety was at an all time high and I couldn’t calm down very much but I was able to get through my first three classes and break. History was easy since the teacher was cool with me and liked me. When that class ended, I made the sad miserable walk to PE.


The woman teacher in the girl’s locker room told me that because my arm was broken and I had a not from the ER that I didn’t have to dress out but I still had to go to class and be present. Nodding I then put my stuff in my locker and then headed out to where we were located for the day. When the teacher finally came out, he refused to believe that my wrist was really broken and that my note was fake. He made me run a lap around the track and do 100 jumping jacks because I wasn’t dressed out and I tried to ‘lie’ my way out of doing work. By the end of class, I was dizzy, tired and my wrist was aching like hell. Lunch was next and I really just wanted to find a hole and die in it. I felt like shit and I didn’t want to have to deal with people today. Surprisingly, no one bothered me during the remainder of the class as we dressed back into our normal clothes and then headed to lunch.

I had a few options for what I could do for lunch. The first option was to sit in Mr. London’s room and do my history homework and get it done. The second option was to sit out in front of my locker and be a sitting duck, the third was to hide in the bathroom and the fourth was to find somewhere and just sit there and not bother anyone. Deciding the last option seemed okay, I found a place where not many people walked by and sat down. I was there for 15 minutes when a kid who reeked of weed sat down next to me and said, “So your boyfriend got expelled?” I nodded. He replied, “That sucks. I’m Dan. Anyways, my friends and I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out. And before you ask, yes we smoke weed. It’s not that bad of a thing to do. We do it to calm down and not worry about the stress of school and what goes on at home.”

“That’s fine by me. It’s your life you can do what you want. I personally like Jack Daniels but hey I’m not allowed to drink cause I’m 15. If my uncle found out I snuck his whiskey again he’d be pissed. Back at my cousins house, I did whatever and no one really cared that much.” He laughed and said, “There’s a reason why I thought I’d like you. Your cool. So do you wanna come hang out with us?” I shrugged and said, “why the hell not.”

I followed him to where a group of about 5 kids sat in the grass. Dan said, “hey guys, this is Ash. She’s cool. Don’t worry about her telling.” I awkwardly waved. A girl who looked about 16 smiled widely and said, “hi! I’m Tia!” I waved and said, “hi Tia.” Another girl who didn’t seem as friendly waved and said, “I’m Natalie.” Dan said softly, “don’t worry about her. She’ll warm up to you slowly. She’s not good with new people.” One of the other boys introduced him next. He was really nice and funny and apparently his name was Phil. The next guy who introduced himself said his name was Shane. Shane was quiet but looked like he could be really loud if he wanted to be. The last person to introduce themselves was a guy named Ryan.He was very soft spoken and didn’t say much.

I said, “I’m Ash. I like Jack Daniels and I like having a good time.” what its true. So maybe that was more of the adult me but hey, these people seemed interested in me, so why not show them the me that they’ll like. It also turns out that they like most of the bands that I know. Not once did I mention that I know them, to them I was just another teen who hated rules and liked to have a good time. By the end of lunch, I had 6 new friends and actually had a good time. Dan walked me to class and said he’d text me later. Drama was uneventful as always, of course I learned everything I could and did my best to show it but the teacher still hated me and so did my peers. Once class was almost over, I turned my phone on to see that Jinxx asked me if I could walk home. Sighing I texted him saying that I could. Once the bell finally rang, I left the class room and made the long walk home, which was about 30 minutes at the rate that I walk at.

30 minute later I was unlocking the front door and going up to my room. Since all of my homework was done I had nothing to do. Dan texted me saying that everyone was meeting up to go to a party and that he was inviting me to go. I called Jinxx who actually answered for once and told him that I was apart of a group project and that I needed to go to that person’s house. I also explained that it wasn’t to far away and that I could walk and I would be home before it got too late. He reluctantly agreed and said to be back before 9. Right before I left, I made sure I had a way into my room in case I had to sneak back in. I mean, I had no clue when I’d be getting back so it was a good idea just in case I had to sneak it. I also turned on my radio and locked my door. Heading out, I hadn’t been more grateful that my actual house was on the way to Dan’s house. I grabbed my back pack and filled it with a few bottles of Jack Daniels and one bottle of Vodka.


Once I left my house, I made the shorter walk to Dan’s house. When I showed him what I had, he was happy. “So my uncle said to be back by 9 but I’m hoping he’ll have to work late or something. If all else fails, I sneak in.” he laughed and said, “one story or two?” “Two.” he laughed and said, “I’d pay to see someone try to sneak into a second floor room that was drunk or stoned. Funny as hell.” I shook my head and said, “jerk.” We walked up to the house and went in. within seconds you were hit with the smell of weed and alcohol. My only hope was that I had the same alcohol tolerance that I had as an adult that I have right now. I was no where near being a lightweight as an adult so lets hope that’s the same for being 15.


Dan handed me a cup and I filled it with the bottle of Jack from my bag. There was no way in hell that I’d let someone spike my drink. When no one was looking, I’d poor some of my drink into someone else’s. They didn’t care. While everyone was almost drunk, I was still buzzed and on my way to being drunk. We had a shot contest and needless to say, I won. I drank a couple glasses of water, which I pretended to pour vodka in. so every time I was almost drunk; I sobered up a little bit back to a buzz. It was only 6 and some people were already passed out. Several kids left so the party was done to 15 people from 23. It went down from 15 to 10 by 7 o’clock, and that’s when Dan and several other kids pulled out a couple joints and a bong. I was a little nervous but not really.

“So have you ever smoked?” Dan asked. “Not really. I’ve smoked a few cigarettes before but they weren’t my things. Weed wasn’t my thing back then but times change.” He nodded and said, “alright so basically you exhale and then put it up to your lips and inhale. You hold it for a while and then slowly let it out.” nodding he let Tia go first as Example. She then passed it to me and I tried. I coughed a little bit and it felt weird at first but Dan said that’s normal. He then took a hit and then passed it around. I took another hit and felt it this time. Dan took a hit and passed it around. It came back to me again, and I took a huge hit. I felt amazing. None of the shit that was once bothering me bothered me right now. I laid down on the floor and felt the high. Dan passed it back to me and I took another hit. We stopped after awhile and sat in silence. My phone vibrated. Shit what time was it. Panic started to run through me but when the clock read 8:20 I calmed down a bit. Jinxx texted me saying he’d be home around maybe 11 at the earliest because he was working with someone on a violin arrangement and they hadn’t finished yet.


I calmed down and poked Dan saying, “my uncle wont be home until at least 11.” He smiled and said, “that leaves us 2 hours to have some fun before I got to get you home.” I smiled and went back to lying around. The one thing I didn’t expect was to get the munchies. I was hungry but I didn’t want to eat. Since everyone else was eating, I ate a little bit to make it look like I at least ate. Dan poked me and said, “your so skinny! Too skinny! Girl eat something!” I shook my head no and he began to tickle me. “I won’t stop until you eat.” he then tickled my ribs and accidentally poked a really painful bruise and another cut. I hissed in pain and he stopped and looked me in the eyes. I looked away and refused to make eye contact. “What happened?” I shook my head and said, “nothing.” I couldn’t tell him what happened yesterday. That was a dirty little secret that I was going to take to the grave with me. He gave me a look and I answered, “I got jumped again.” he frowned and said, “if it happens again, you let me and the guys know and we’ll take care of who ever did it, got it?” I nodded. “Good.” he smiled and then said, “lets play rock band!” I nodded and so did a few other people. By now, the group had gone from 10 to the group of six I met to day and Dan as well as me. It was now 9 o’clock but I wasn’t worried. I also had another idea, I could text Jinxx and tell him that the girls that I worked with wanted me to spend the night to finish the last of the project and have a sleep over.


But I decided I’d use that excuse next time. We sat around the living room having fun until it was 10:30. Jinxx sent me a text saying he’d be home around 11:10 if he made good time since he was coming from the other side of town. I bid the group good night and began the walk home with Dan. We were quiet for the most part and enjoy the stars and the view. It was 10:55 by the time we got about five blocks away. There was no way we would beat Jinxx back. Dan picked me up and ran with me on his back the last four blocks. It was 11:01 when we made it to my street. He put me down and we sprinted to my house. I unlocked the door and let him in. we went to my room and stayed there for a moment. We heard a car door slam and then lock. I pointed to the closet and said, “hide in there, I’ll let you know when you can come out, don’t move and make sure your phone is silent.”He nodded and winked as he said, “Hun, this isn’t my first time hiding in someone’s closet.” I rolled my eyes and pushed him in and closed the door. Kicking off my shoes, I turned my light off and crawled into bed. I heard Jinxx walk up the stairs and then knock on my door.

I pretended to be asleep as he walked in and sat on my bed. “Oh Ash. I’m sorry I haven’t been around so much lately. I promise that I will try to be around more. Things are gonna be alright.” He then kissed my forehead and walked out, closing the door behind him. I waited until I heard him walk to his side of the house and close his bedroom door before I jumped out of bed and let Dan out. He didn’t question what Jinxx said which I was thankful for. I opened the window and said, “Do you think you can get out?” he laughed quietly and said, “is my name not Dan Howell?” I rolled my eyes and he stuck his tongue out. Popping the screen out, he handed it to me and told me how to put it back on. Right before he crawled out the window, he whispered, “I had fun today. You’re a cool kid Ash. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved as he then jumped from the window to the tree that was thankfully ever so convenient for him to get to. He then climbed down and only when he was on the ground did he wave bye and then walk down the street.


Closing my window and putting the screen on, I then crawled back into my bed. Yesterday was absolute shit but today, today was better. I smoked weed for the first time and got drunk for the first time in a long while. It felt nice. Like I had no worries. And for the first time in a while, I fell asleep in an okay mood.

Notes

two chapters in one night? whaaaaaaat? yeah that's right guys. i'm back. (: review! I know we can make it to the popular page once again. we did it once, can we do it again? please!!! it would make my day or well week. I want to have a good week, last week sucked! there was a lot of drama and it just wasn't good, but last Sunday was great, I met Ash Costello! but after sunday, it all went down hill. so can we do this guys? I believe in you!

stay strong! (: