Ashley’s Point of View

I was stood frozen with shock, unable to move, watching as Sandra pulled away and smiled. Kina’s hair fell back over her face so I couldn’t see her facial expression, but obviously she said something because Sandra’s already huge smile grew even larger.

I couldn’t move, couldn’t look away, for what felt like forever. Of course, it had only been a couple of seconds, but it felt like eternity. Finally however, I was broken from whatever trance I was in and stormed towards the door, slamming it open. Immediately, several pairs of eyes landed on me, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t afraid to make a scene, and a scene I was going to make.

“Sandra, what the fuck?” I screamed loudly. Sandra was already staring at me from my entrance, and her eyes were wide with fear.

“Ashley, calm down. I can ex-” She started.

I cut her off with a glare. One of the things I hated the most was being told to calm down. “Calm down? Calm down?” I yelled. “How the fuck do you expect me to calm down when I just saw you kiss fucking Kina. I thought this was supposed to be a date.” Of course, I didn’t actually care that this was supposed to be a date. It was just the fact that Sandra, one of my best friends, just kissed my fucking whore of an ex-girlfriend.

“Ashley. Stop. Please.” She begged as her eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, I felt some of my anger slipping away, only to be replaced with guilt. Although I didn’t care about being the center of attention, Sandra hated it. I walked as calmly as I could over to her and Kina, ignoring the glares I was receiving from the other consumers and some of the staff. I pulled out a chair across the table from the two girls and sat down, folding my arms across my chest.

“Alright. You have ten seconds to explain before I start screaming again.” I said.

“Look. Okay. Uh.” Sandra stuttered, obviously flustered from not only being put on the spot, but also the fact that many people were still sending angry looks in our direction.

“Sandra, sweetie. Calm down. Just take a few deep breaths.” Kina said quietly to Sandra, rubbing her hand on Sandra’s bare arms.

I felt myself getting angry again. “Don’t you fucking talk to her. Don’t you fucking touch her.” I hissed.

“I can talk to and touch her if I want to.” Kina said, calmly looking in my direction. “She’s my girlfriend and I can do what I please.”

The effect those last words had on Sandra was immediately apparent. “Girlfriend?” She whispered, looking up from under her hair at Kina. Kina looked away from me and to Sandra, smiling softly.

“Yeah, girlfriend. If that’s okay with you I mean. I was going to ask you after you talked to Ashley.”

“That’s more than okay with me.” Sandra replied, smiling.

“Okay. What the fuck is going on here?” I asked as quietly as I could manage so I wouldn’t end up screaming again.

Sandra looked over to me and opened her mouth to reply, but Kina cut her off. “Why the fuck do you care, Ashley? It’s not like you actually wanted to go on a date with Sandra. You were just using her, isn’t that right?”

I opened my mouth in complete shock. I tried to respond but the words got stuck in my throat. All I could manage was a quiet, pathetic: “That’s not true.”

Kina snorted. “Bull fucking shit. You were just using her to get over Andy.”

“Oh, and that’s not what she was trying to do with asking me out?” I hissed, suddenly getting defensive.

“No. That’s not what I was trying to do. Well, I mean that wasn’t my intention.” Sandra said quietly.

I gave her a questioning look, asking her to clarify when she didn’t continue. Sandra sighed and looked down at the table, picking at the black nail polish on her left thumb.

“I really thought I liked you Ashley, that’s why I asked you out. But when I talked to Kina about it, she made me realise that my crush on you may have just been a rebound crush and that I didn’t actually like you…”

“Wait, when the hell did you start talking to Kina?” I asked, cutting Sandra off again.

“Couple weeks ago I think. We were assigned a group project in one of our classes and since none of Kina’s friends are well, friends with her anymore, we ended up being partners.”

“So you guys just became bffs?” I asked sarcastically.

“We became friends pretty quick once we got to know each other better, yes.” Sandra replied, ignoring my tone.

“The only things were really ‘knew’ about each other were just rumors and shit spread by our friends. Like, all I knew about Sandra was what Justin and everyone else told me, and all
Sandra knew about me was what you told her probably.” Kina said.

“Well, that and the reputation the Populars have. Since you were a part of that group, I just assumed you were like the rest of them.” Sandra snickered, leaning into Kina. However, as soon as she saw my glare she pulled away a bit and looked down.

We fell into an awkward silence until Sandra cleared her throat with a small cough. “So, yeah. Anyway, I texted Kina excitedly telling her about our date, and she was really happy for me and stuff, but she knew that I was also in love with Andy for years. So she started questioning me and-”

“And she basically told you that you didn’t actually like me?” I hissed, once again folding my arms across my chest. That’s what Kina did; manipulate people so that the outcome is always in her favour. I don’t know what she would be getting out of convincing Sandra she didn’t actually like me, but I still didn’t trust her.

“No.” Sandra said, looking up at me and giving me a small glare, telling me to shut up and stop interrupting her. I glared right back, but shut my mouth anyway. “She let me realise that myself. She just asked questions, and by answering them, I came to the conclusion that I was just trying to use you to get over Andy without even realising it. It wasn’t my intention though… I really thought I liked you.” When she finished, Sandra looked back down.

“Look, I don’t care Sandra, so stopped feeling bad. I was using you to get over Andy too, but the difference is I was fully aware I was doing so. The only reason I didn’t cancel the date was because I’m a selfish prick. So stop feeling bad.” I said. Sandra looked back up at me, looking a little bit hurt at hearing that she was being used, but smiled at me anyway.

“What I don’t understand,” I continued. “Is how it went from you asking me out thinking you really did like me, to you realising, with Kina’s help, that you were just using me, to you guys dating.”

Sandra looked over at Kina, presumably asking permission from her to tell me, and Kina just shrugged. Sandra looked back over to me.

“When I realised I was just using you, I felt really bad. Like, you have no idea how badly I felt.”

“Oh, I might have an idea.” I muttered to myself, remembering how I felt so bad that I got hammered and started carving up my arm. At the thought, the arm with the largest and deepest cut started stinging and I winced.

“What?” Sandra asked.

“Nothing.” I said quickly, blushing slightly. I didn’t think I said it loudly enough for her to hear me.
“Continue?”

“Oookay.” Sandra said. She took a deep breath. “Well I felt so bad that I started bawling and called Kina. She invited me over to her place to get my mind off of things and I agreed since apparently she doesn’t live too far away from me.”

“Your parents just let you leave in the middle of the night?” I asked.

Sandra shot me a look. “I’ve told you before Ash: My parents don’t care what I do as long as it doesn’t have a negative affect on them.”

“Right.” I said awkwardly, not knowing how else to respond.

“Anyway, so I agreed and went over. After she calmed me down a bit she suggested we watch a movie. During the movie she…” Sandra trailed off frowning and looked down.

Kina looked over at Sandra and continued where she left off. “During the movie I admitted that although I acted happy to hear that she asked you out and you said yes, I wasn’t.”

“Because you’re still in love with me?” I joked. An unreadable expression crossed Kina’s face for a second before it vanished. She rolled her eyes.

“You wish, Purdy.” Kina hissed.

“She told me it was because in the few weeks we hung out and talked, she started to develop feelings for me. I was so shocked I couldn’t speak, so I did the only thing that made sense at the time and got up and left. When I got home I just broke down crying again; I was so fucking confused. I didn’t know how I felt about Kina’s confession, nor did I know how I actually felt about her in general. I never thought I was gay, at all. Not that I have anything against gays, but I never thought I could be one…” Sandra trailed off, realising she was rambling.

“Long story short: I texted her after a few hours and apologized. I admitted that I was confused and scared. I admitted that I didn’t actually know how I felt about her but thought I liked her back.”

“So you’re saying you’ve finally come to the conclusion you’re bi?” I asked.

“No. Ashley, I’m saying I think I’ve finally accepted that I might be gay.”

“W-what?” I asked, my jaw dropping.

“Ash. I think I’m gay.”

I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I just stared at Sandra with a look of shock and obvious disbelief on my face.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? How can you be judging Sandra for being gay when you’re in love with a dude?” Kinda hissed, breaking the increasingly awkward silence.

“Shut the fuck up Kina.” I said after I found my voice. I turned to Sandra and softened my facial expression. “How… How can you possible be gay? You were in love with Andy for years.”

“Well… I don’t actually know if I’m gay for sure. But… I think I’ve always been attracted to girls. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. And the whole Andy thing… Jesus Christ. I wish you could just see my thoughts. It’d be a lot easier to explain that way.”

“Try.” I said, giving Sandra an encouraging smile. Well, what I hope was an encouraging smile. For all I know it was a grimace.

“Okay.” She said, returning the smile. “Well, when I transferred schools in grade eight, in the middle of February. I was the weird new kid that no one knew and no one wanted to know. I was alone every single day. I told myself I didn’t mind, but I did. It took a toll on me and I just ended up crying every night. Then about two months in, Andy suddenly came up to me and invited me to sit with him and his friends. He was the only one that was truly nice to me. That’s when I started to develop my crush on him.”

“Oookay.” I said, trying but failing to understand.

“Sandra let out an exasperated sigh. “Don’t you see Ashley? I was desperate for love! I wasn’t getting it at home, and I wasn’t getting it from myself. Andy was the only person that showed me kindness! I was so desperate for love and affection and just to be needed by other person that I developed a fake crush on him in hopes that he would give me what I needed.”

I slowly nodded, showing that I was starting to understand. “Okay. That makes sense I guess.”

“Good, because I suck at explaining things and that was hard.” Sandra joked.

I gave her a small smile. “But I still don’t understand something.”

Sandra’s smile faded. “Okay? What?”

“How could you have always been attracted to girls but not known that you were gay?”

Sandra sighed and looked down at her hands. I was beginning to think she wouldn’t respond when she looked back up. “As long as I can remember, I’ve always caught myself noticing how pretty some girls looked. I’ve even caught myself thinking some of my female teachers were pretty hot when I was younger.” Sandra let out a small, sad laugh. “I had even found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss girls. Looking back, I realise that I never really thought any of those thing when thinking about guys. I saw them as friends, but that was it.”

“How could you not have realised that you were gay?” I asked, laughing a little.

“Because I thought it was normal for girls to think like that about other girls. How was I supposed to know any different?”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“There was a point when I was a bit older where I seriously started to question my sexuality, but I refused to believe it. I didn’t want to believe it so I just pushed the thought away. That’s when I started to ‘like’ any guy that paid even the slightest bit of attention to me.”

“Like with Andy?” I asked even though I already knew the answer.

Sandra nodded. “Like with Andy.”

“But why didn’t you want to believe that you were gay? What’s so wrong with being gay.”

Sandra gave me a sad look before leaning into Kina, who, to be completely honest, I forgot was even there. Kina looked down at Sandra, pity in her eyes. Then, to my surprise, she looked up at me and gave me a soft, sad smile.

“My parents aren’t like yours, Ashley.” Sandra whispered. It was so quiet that I had to lean in closer to even hear it. “They aren’t as accepting. Like, they used to love me so much.” Sandra let out a chuckle and I could tell she was close to tears. “I used to be such a Daddy’s girl. But when I started dressing like this… Well that’s when they started ignoring me and not giving a shit about what I do. That’s when they stopped loving me.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I really am. Just… What does this have to do with you not wanting to accept that you’re gay?”

“The reason why they stopped loving me when I started dressing like this is because they think,” Sandra gave a sad laugh. “They think that I’m like, a Satan worshiper now. They’re extremely religious and I’ve grew up listening to them tell me how being gay isn’t natural. How it’s sick and revolting and wrong in the eyes of God.”

For the millionth time today, I sat there in complete silence, unable to speak. A single tear rolling down Sandra’s face and dripping off the end of her nose broke me out of my shock-induced silence. “So, the reason why you didn’t want to accept or even think about the possibility that you’re gay is-”

Sandra cut me off. “My parents would literally beat me until I was broken, bloody and begging for mercy if they ever found out. The worst part is: I know they wouldn’t stop until I lay dead at their feet.”



A/N: I’m so sorry if this chapter doesn’t make any sense. I was trying to do my best at explaining how Sandra felt and everything… BUT IT’S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS OKAY. Let me know if I did an okay job or if some parts don’t make sense and I’ll try and fix them so they do. :)

As always my beautiful readers… Please comment and let me know how I’m doing. I’m not getting as many comments as of late, which makes me sad because I’m worried that means you guys are getting bored with the story and aren’t liking it anymore. So let me know. :) Even if you are getting bored and are beginning to hate the story please tell me. Both negative and positive feedback is very much appreciated.

I love you all. <3

See you next chapter!

xoxox

IMPORTANT: As some of you may know, all chapters up to and including this chapter were pre-written because I was posting this story on other sites like wattpad and tumblr before I stumbled upon this one. BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO WAIT LIKE THE REST OF THEM. Muahah. I'm sorry. I'll try to update ASAP.