Ashley’s Point of View

I was still sat in the chair in the waiting room, head buried in my hands, when we heard a muffled announcement from the PA system. Since there were no speakers in the actual waiting room, we couldn’t hear what the person was saying, but after the voice stopped speaking, there was a lot of rushing coming from behind the double doors that lead to the IC unit.

I told myself firmly that there were a lot of other patients in there and that it probably had nothing to do with Andy, but there was a sense of pure dread forming in my stomach. My fears were confirmed when a nurse walked into the waiting room twenty minutes later.

“Mr and Mrs Biersack?” She called. I saw Amy and Chris give each other worried glances, but stood up to go talk to her.

“You’re Andy Biersack’s parents, correct?” She asked, looking from Amy to Chris slowly. Amy nodded.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. Would we be able to speak somewhere private?”

Chris looked over to his wife before shaking his head slowly. “Everyone here is really close to my son. Would it be possible for you to speak with all of us?”

The nurse paused. By the look of the inner-conflict that was displayed on her face, it was obviously against the rules to speak to anyone but the family of the patient. After a moment though, her face relaxed and she gave Chris a small smile. “Of course sir.”

The rest of us gathered around the nurse, Amy, and Chris. The nurse looked at each one of us before saying:

“It isn’t looking good. Andy just had a cardiac arrest and we barely managed to get him stable.” The nurse paused.

“And now?” I asked quietly. The nurse looked at me, but then looked away again.

“He’s stable for now. However, the pills that he took were psychoactive drugs, which targets the central nervous system.” The nurse paused again and looked at Andy’s parents.

“What does this mean for Andy?” Amy whispered when the nurse remained silent.

“It means that Andy is currently in a coma, and we don’t know if he’s going to wake up.”


- Time lapse; Two weeks –

A loud beeping sound brought me out of my sleep. It took a couple moments for my tired brain to figure out what was going on, but when it finally did, I groaned loudly. It was 7:00am. The fact that it was so early in the morning didn’t exactly bug me; since Andy tried to commit suicide I wasn’t sleeping properly anymore. In fact, I would be lucky to get maybe two or three hours of sleep a night. No, what bugged me was that it was 7:00am on a Monday morning, which happened to be the day that my mum was forcing me to go back to school.

I missed all of last week due to Andy’s hospitalization, but this week my mum figured I had enough time to mourn and figure my shit out. I personally didn’t think it was, but my mum wouldn’t have any of it. According to Sandra, news of Andy’s suicide attempt had spread like wildfire around school and Justin and the rest of the Populars just loved it. Justin spent nearly all of his time harassing Sandra, Jinxx, Jake and CC to the point of tears, but thankfully he was still only using his words to hurt and not his fists.

I sighed and contemplated on pretending to be sick, but then thought better of it; Mum would know that I would be faking it. Besides, I kind of wanted to go to school and see everyone.
I rolled over with yawn and turned off my alarm clock before throwing my blankets off of me. I dragged myself out of bed and to the bathroom. Ignoring the mess, I began to undress, hissing as my long sleeved shirt grazed my cuts from last night.

Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that I also became the thing I hated the most: a hypocrite. I’ve always hated people who self harmed because I thought that they were just attention seeking cunts, but then I started self-harming and realised that I was so very wrong. It helps by turning the emotional pain that you can’t control into pain that you can control. It was one of the best coping methods that I have ever known. Well, for a brief period of time. The relief is short lived and after that the emotional pain comes back full force, along with guilt and self hate. Which, of course, only makes you want to cut more. It’s a vicious cycle that I got caught up in when I learned that Andy might never wake up again.

“Ashley?” Mum’s voice called through the bathroom door, pulling me back from my thoughts. I froze, fear settling in my stomach. I was standing there with my shirt off, my cuts fully exposed.

“Ashley?” Mum called again, this time followed by a sharp knock at the door.

“Yeah, what?” I replied.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re awake and getting ready for school.”

“Yup.” Was my only response. I was still really sour about the fact that I had to go to school today, and she knew it. I heard her sigh from the other side of the door.

“Ashley, moping around all day wont help Andy at all. He would want you to continue living your life.”

“Whatever.” I muttered, tears filling my eyes. I muttered a quick curse and wiped them away. I was sick of fucking crying. Mum sighed again.

“Can I come in? I don’t like having a conversation with you through a door.”

“What? Fuck no. Jesus Christ mum, I’m naked.” I replied quickly, the feeling of fear returning.

Don’t open the door. Don’t open the door.

Fuck me. Why didn’t I lock the fucking door?

“Fine. But we’re talking when you’re done.” Mum said after a second.

“Like hell we are.” I muttered when I heard her walking away. I took one last look in the mirror at my wrists and forearms, taking in the multiple cuts and scars that went well past my elbows, before sighing and getting in the shower.

For the first time in a really long time I didn’t care how I looked; it only took me eight minutes to shower, two minutes to get dressed, and only five minutes to do my hair and make up. Usually getting dressed was a complicated process for me, but since my cutting was now worse than ever, I could no longer wear short-sleeved shirts and rely on bracelets or wristbands to cover them up. I now had to hide my secret with jackets and long-sleeved shirts.

I didn’t even bother looking in the mirror one last time before grabbing my backpack and walking out my bedroom door. I barely made it down the stairs and to the front door before Mum attacked.

“Ashley, we need to talk.”

“No, we don’t.” I replied bluntly, trying to push my way past her.

“Yes, we do. You’re worrying us. You’ve become so distant ever since Andy…” She trailed off and paused for a moment before clearing her throat to continue. I didn’t let her though.

“Of course I’m fucking distant Mum!” I yelled. “Andy is in the fucking hospital and he might not ever wake up!”

“I understand Ash-” She started, but I cut her off again.

“No you fucking don’t! Otherwise you wouldn’t be harassing me about how distant I’ve gotten! Like, seriously? Yes I’m fucking distant Mum! I’m fucking sad!” I yelled before shoving past her, slipping on some shoes, and basically running out the door.

I was still angry when I got to school. I had never fought with my mum like that before, and I should have felt horrible about it, but I didn’t. I just felt pure anger boiling in my gut and I just felt like hitting something. That’s why I avoided everyone when I got to school and just went straight to the bathroom. Since I had taken so little time getting ready this morning and left home as quickly as possible, I still had an hour before classes started.

I sighed heavily and slid down the bathroom stall wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them. The anger suddenly left me and I just felt tired; the defenses I had managed to build up over the past few days to protect me from my emotions shattered. The thought of Andy suddenly filled my mind and I felt tears start to form in my eyes and run down my cheeks. A sob built up in my chest and I slapped away my tears. I didn’t want to cry anymore, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming. A sob escaped my mouth and I cursed myself under my breath.

After five minutes of crying, I suddenly remembered my best defense against these stupid emotions, and it was hidden away in my backpack. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and grabbed my backpack. I opened it quickly and began to dig frantically in my bag. Finally, my hand found what it was looking for: a small, blue box that once contained my mother’s wedding ring, but now contained my razor.

I opened the box and pulled out the silver, metal object. I set down the box and rolled up the sleeve on my left arm, preparing to make the first cut. I felt my breath quicken and could hear my blood pound in my ears. This was the best and the worst part; the build up to making the first cut. It’s like reading a book and reaching the moment right before the climax of the story. I pause for a second, almost listening to the part of my brain that was screaming that cutting isn’t worth it; that the physical pain isn’t going to help with the emotional pain, and that the blooming blood isn’t going to relax me, but somehow the whispering coming from the other part of my brain was louder.

With shaking hands, I pushed the razor closer to my skin and pulled it along my wrist. Immediately, blood started to bloom from the broken skin and I sighed in relief. I dropped my razor beside me and rested my head against the wall, letting the calming feeling of the blood dripping from my cut wash through me. Not even five seconds later I felt my phone vibrate. I cursed and reached into my pocket with my right hand. It was a text message from Sandra. I went to unlock my phone when I noticed the time. It was already 8:36am. I guess I was too caught up in my own world to realise how long I had sat in the bathroom.

Hey, where are you? You said you were coming to school today.

I sighed as I read Sandra’s text.

In the bathroom. I’ll meet you by the front doors.

I sent off my reply and put my phone down, leaning my head back against the wall, but the feeling of relief and calm was already gone. I sighed angrily and grabbed my razor off the ground. I contemplated making another cut but decided against it. Instead, I put the razor back in its box and began to clean up my wrist.

“There he is!” I heard Jake call as I walked towards them three minutes later. I forced a smile.

“Hey guys. I told you I’d be back today.” I replied when I got closer. “Not that it even matters since I saw you guys over the weekend anyway.”

Sandra gave me a small smile. “Still, it’s nice to have you back.”

I returned the smile and pulled her into a hug. “Wish I could say it’s nice to be back.” I joked as she pulled away.

I looked over at Jinxx, who was staring at me wearily. “Hey Jinxx,” I said; only earning a head nod in response. I sighed inwardly, knowing that Jinxx was still pissed off at me.

“Ashley, can I talk to you for a second?” Jinxx said quietly. I looked at him in confusion but nodded. He turned to the rest of the guys and Sandra. “We’ll see you guys at lunch.”

CC gave me a confused look, but nodded. “Alright. Come on guys.”

I watched as CC, Jake, and Sandra walked away, all of them giving either Jinxx or myself a weird look. I turned to Jinxx.

“What’s up?”

“You know exactly what Ashley. What the fuck is this?” He hissed, pointing at my shirt. Stupidly, I didn’t clue in right away.

“A shirt?” I responded. It wasn’t my intention to come off as sarcastic, but apparently that’s exactly how I came off.

“Don’t be a sarcastic little cunt Ashley, I can see it’s a fucking shirt. That’s not what I mean though. What I mean is you never wear long sleeves, ever.”

Suddenly I understood. He knew I was cutting.

Of course he fucking knows you idiot. You went from never wearing bracelets or long sleeves to always covering up your wrists? You’re a fucking idiot.

“How could you be so stupid as to not realise I would have fucking noticed?” He said when I remained silent. He paused, waiting for me to say something, but still I was silent. I didn’t know what to say.

Jinxx sighed. “When you first started wearing bracelets, I was a little worried but I didn’t say anything. I figured, ‘Hey, maybe he’s just trying something different. I mean, he hates people who cut, so he wouldn’t do it himself.’ But now I realise I was being stupid.”

“Maybe I just wanted to wear long sleeves today Jinxx.” I whispered quietly.

“Oh yeah? Well if that’s the case, show me your arms. Both of them.”

I froze and looked to the ground, letting my hair cover my face.

“Come on Ashley. If there isn’t any other reason behind you wearing long sleeves then you should have no problem showing me your arms.”

I sighed, tears coming to my eyes. “Fine! I cut myself okay? I was wrong about people who self-harm, I was so wrong.” I broke down crying then. I tried to keep talking but I couldn’t get the words out.

Surprisingly, I felt Jinxx pull me into a hug. “It’s okay Ashley, it’s okay. We’re all worried about Andy.”

“That’s not why I cut Jinxx. Not the main reason anyway.” I muttered into his chest through my
tears.

“What do you mean?” He asked. I pulled away to look at him.

“What I mean is: Andy trying to kill himself isn’t the major reason why I resorted to cutting. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely sad, but… I just keep thinking: How pathetic would it be if I cut myself and have suicidal thoughts just because my boyfriend of maybe a month is in the hospital. I don’t even know if I love him! Yes, I care deeply for him, but not enough to want to die over it.” I said, pulling away to look at Jinxx. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“I still don’t understand. It sounds like you’re saying you don’t give a shit that Andy tried to kill himself.”

I shook my head, getting frustrated. “No, not at all. I’m fucking depressed because of that. But… I don’t think I would have started cutting if the reason he tried to kill himself was different.”

Suddenly Jinxx understood. “You’re cutting because you think this is your fault… That’s what you mean when you say that Andy’s hospitalization isn’t the main reason… It’s not the fact that he’s hospitalized but why he was hospitalized.” He said slowly. I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“But Ashley, Andy doesn’t think it’s your faul-” Jinxx started, but I quickly cut him off.

“No, I know. But I think it’s my fault, and so do you.” Jinxx looked down. “I can’t blame you for blaming me because it is my fault. If I would have reacted better, if I didn’t say all those horrible things to him, the outcome might have been different. Andy would be standing with us right now, not fighting for his life in the hospital.” I paused, my voice breaking. Tears started to fill my eyes but I didn’t care anymore.

“It’s my fault Andy tried to kill himself, my fault he may never wake up, and because of that everything that is a result of Andy’s attempted suicide is my fault too. It’s my fault Andy’s mum calls my mum every night crying, my fault that Andy’s dad gets drunk every single fucking day to deal with the pain. My fault that CC never smiles anymore and Sandra is constantly crying. It’s also my fault that you nearly relapsed and started cutting again.” I finished in a whisper, looking into Jinxx’s eyes. He remained quiet; he didn’t know what to say because he agreed with me.

“I don’t know what to say Ashley.” He whispered finally.

“You don’t need to say anything. You asked for the reason why I started cutting myself and I gave you it. I cut because I deserve it.”


Andy’s Point of View

I was dreaming of Justin again. Justin had seen my scars that littered both my arms and now he was mocking me, telling me that I was worthless and pathetic.

“No one would miss you.” He sneered. “Just go ahead and end it all.”

I looked to the floor in defeat. “I tried.” I muttered.

Justin laughed. “You’re so pathetic you can’t even kill yourself properly.”

That’s when he moved in for the attack. I closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the feeling of his fist hitting my face, but it never came. When I opened my eyes I was falling through blackness and I was terrified. I saw blurry images all around me; faces, places, and words, but nothing that I could properly make out. Until I saw him.

Ashley was looking at me, but his eyes were different. Normally, his eyes danced with the light of life, but as he looked at me now they just seemed sad and dead. I tried to scream for help but I couldn’t and slowly, Ashley’s image faded.

Whispers started all around me, filling my ears until I couldn’t hear anything else. I couldn’t think and I couldn’t feel anything except for the dread and the fear that was building up inside me. Then I started to scream because somehow I knew that my fall was going to end soon and that I would hit the ground and cease to exist.

I screamed and screamed and screamed, but no one could hear me. No one wanted to hear me. Tears filled my eyes and I quickly shut them, finally willing to accept that this was the end. That I was going to die.

But when I hit the ground, my body didn’t explode with pain. Instead, the blackness started to fade and a bright, white light blinded me. I tried to speak, but I was too tired and my throat hurt too much.

I heard someone say something to me but I couldn’t make out what it was; I was already fading back into the black emptiness.


Ashley’s Point of View

The first four classes before lunch passed agonizingly slow. Honestly, I was so tempted to just skip all my classes and go home, but Jinxx had convinced me otherwise.

Finally though, the last period before lunch ended and I rushed out the classroom door and straight to my locker. I stuffed my backpack in there and grabbed some money from my wallet to buy some lunch.

After buying some food, I slowly made my way over to the Outcast’s usual lunch table.

“Hey.” I said quietly, swinging my leg over the bench so I could sit beside Sandra.

“Hey.” She said, mimicking my quiet tone.

“How are you?” I asked. It was a stupid question I know, but I was just trying to make conversation so we wouldn’t have to sit in awkward silence waiting for the rest of the guys to join us. I dug into my lunch as she responded.

“Alright. You?” She responded, not looking up from her own food.

I only shrugged in response. As I was about to shove more food into my mouth, my pocket vibrated. I was going to ignore it but it just kept ringing, indicating it was a phone call.

I sighed and fished it out of my pocket, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

“Hello?” I said after swallowing my mouth full of food.

“Ashley,” Mum said quietly from the other side. I groaned inwardly, thinking she was calling to try and continue our conversation from this morning.

“Mum, listen, I understand that you’re worried about me but can you please just leave me alo-” I started, but she cut me off.

“No, Ashley. He’s awake.” She whispered. I froze, my heart jumping into my chest.

“Wh-what?” I replied, feeling numb.

“Andy is awake.”


A/N: Chapter twenty! I know I left it with another cliffhanger… But at least it’s a somewhat happy cliffhanger? :D
Anyway, so about Andy’s point of view: I wanted to add his point of view somewhere in there, so I hope it made a little bit of sense… Maybe? Also, I did a little research and there are a lot of people saying that people in a coma 2can’t dream, but then there are other people, including some researchers, that say that people can dream in a coma? I don’t know. I don’t know for sure haha, so don’t yell at me. <3

Anyway, please tell me what you think. Comments make me happy. And if you’re not happy with the story or my writing… Let me know! And tell me why so I can try and improve.
See you guys next chapter! Love you all.

Cheers! Xoxox.