Ashley’s Point of View

My whole world was falling apart around me. My phone slipped from my fingers and fell to my bed with a soft, barely audible thump, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Andy is in the hospital.

Andy tried to kill himself.

The doctors don’t know if he’s going to make it.

My Andy could die.

And it would be my fault.

A muffled, “Ashley?” Came from somewhere in the sea of covers, pulling me away from my thoughts. With much effort, I broke through the fog that was starting to form in my mind and started to look for my phone. Once my shaking fingers found it, I grasped it and brought it up to my ear.

"Ashley?" I heard Sandra ask from the other end. "Ashley? Are you still there?"

I opened my mouth to try and answer, but only a small squeak type sound came from my throat. My mouth was too dry to form words.

"Ashley?" Sandra asked again, her voice full of concern.

I licked my lips and tried to clear my throat.

"Yeah." I muttered. "I’m still here. Is he… Will he… How is he doing…?" I asked quietly.

There was silence for a moment. ”They don’t know. They told his parents that with the amount of pills and stuff he took, his organs might begin to shut down.”

"Wh-what?" I stuttered. Of course I had heard her properly, but the words weren’t making sense in my brain.

"When they took him to the hospital they tried everything they could to revive him. They pumped his stomach and basically threw him in a tub of ice because his body was over heating."

"Wh-what about now?" I whispered, deathly afraid of the answer.

"Now they’re pumping fluids into him. He’s barely stable Ash. They don’t know if he’s going to
survive the night." Sandra replied, copying my tone.

My body froze. I tried to speak but the signal from my brain to my vocal cords and mouth seemed to have been severed. My breathing became rapid and painful, and I felt like the walls were closing in around me. This couldn’t be happening.

"Ashley?" Sandra said into the phone, panic clear in her voice. Her clear, overwhelming worry for me somehow broke me out of my frozen state.

"I’m okay." I replied. I didn’t exactly lie; I was physically okay, however mentally? I was falling apart.

"Can you make it to the hospital? Ju-just in case something happens to And-"

I cut her off quickly, not wanting to let her finish her sentence in case her saying it somehow made it happen. “Yes. I’ll be there soon.” I said in a firm voice before hanging up.

I threw the covers off of me and swung my legs over the side of my bed, quickly standing up. I paused for a moment, feeling faint from how fast I had stood. The lightheadedness had barely passed before I made my way to the bedroom door. The brass doorknob was cold in the grasp of my sweaty hands and I shivered slightly. I was still dressed in a shirt and jeans as I had passed out without changing early, but yet the chilly air coming from my bedroom window still made me shiver violently. Although, if it was from the cold or from the adrenalin rush that fear brought, I didn’t know.

I opened the door and stepped out into the black hall, and my breath instantly became panicked. I had always been afraid of the dark, and right now was no different. The only light that broke through the eerie darkness that coated the hall was the moonlight that leaked through my window. However, it couldn’t penetrate all of the darkness. As I walked towards my parents’ bedroom, my surroundings got darker. I couldn’t see five paces ahead of me as I walked, and when I turned a corner it got worse. My ragged breath caught in my throat as I stopped in my tracks and starred at the blackness before me. The extremely small part of my brain that wasn’t coated with the panic induced fog kept whispering for me to calm down and turn on the lights, but for some reason I wasn’t registering the sensible advice. I was still frozen, starring in front of me. I was just about to say fuck it and run back to my room when I remembered why I was here; Andy was dying and I needed to get to the hospital. Somehow, the thought of Andy was all I needed. The fog seemed to have lifted from my body and I no longer felt the overwhelming sense of dread and complete terror from being in the darkness of the hallway. I took a deep breath and rushed towards my parents’ bedroom. Before I knew it, I was beside my mum’s side of the bed.

“Mum.” I whispered. She stirred a bit, but she didn’t wake.

“Mum,” I said a bit louder, nudging her a little bit.

“Hmm?” She moaned, only slightly coming to.

“Mum, I need to go to the hospital.” I said quietly, instantly regretting my choice of words. They did get her attention however.

“What?” She asked, panic replacing the sleepiness in her voice. She shot up so she was in sitting position, waking my dad up, and looked over at me. “Ashley, are you okay? Why do you need to go to the hospital? What’s wrong?”

I inwardly sighed in exasperation. “No, mum, I’m fine.” I said, trying to interrupt her high-pitched rambling, but she just continued. “No, mum. Stop. Mum, shut up.” I tried again, getting a bit louder. She quieted down for a few moments. “Andy’s in the hospital.”

“Andy? But… Is he okay?” She asked. Though she did sound really concerned, there was a small hint of relief in her voice, which irritated me greatly.

“No. The doctors don’t know if he’s going to survive the night.” I said harshly. “I need to go to the hospital.”

“We’re coming with you,” Dad spoke up as he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “Go start the car. We’ll be there in three minutes.”

I felt relief wash through my body. Secretly, I wanted them to come with me. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to go there and see my boyfriend lying on the white hospital bed alone; I would break down completely. But I knew my parents would help keep me strong. And I needed to be strong, for Andy.

Dad made it to the hospital in record time, and for that I was quiet impressed. I was scared that the fifteen-minute drive to the hospital would make me panic and question if I could actually do this, but, surprisingly, I didn’t.

My dad had barely finished parking the car in the parkade when I had my seatbelt off and my hand on the door handle, ready to jump out as soon as the car stopped moving.

“Ashley, wait a few more minutes. I still have to pay.” Dad said as he undid his own seatbelt. I only replied with a frustrated sigh.

“Son, Andy will be just fine in the few minutes that we take.” Dad said quietly. I felt anger and fear build up in my stomach at his words. My chest felt tighter and tighter until I finally exploded.

“How the fuck do you know, Dad? The doctors don’t even know if he’s going to be okay, so how the fuck do you know?” I all but screamed at him. Normally Dad would have yelled right back at me as I got my temper from him, but somehow he managed to remain calm. He looked over at Mum and they shared a look. Dad broke eye contact first and just nodded once before getting out of the car to pay. Mum turned around.

“Go in Ash. We’ll meet you inside.” She said quietly. I just nodded and exited the car.
The short walk through the parkade to the hospital seemed to be the longest walk I have ever had to do. The sound of my black converse shoes slapping on the asphalt ground of the empty parking lot echoed all around me.

“Fuck, it’s empty down here,” I muttered to myself just to hear the sound of my voice. I figured if I tried to distract myself with the sound of a human voice, I would be able to keep myself from going insane thinking about Andy.

“Of course it’s empty, you tit.” I replied to myself, still muttering under my breath. “It’s nearly four in the morning.” I looked around, suddenly feeling paranoid. I knew I was perfectly safe; after all my parents were basically right behind me, but I still found myself looking over my shoulder and quickening my pace.

I soon found myself outside of the hospital doors and paused. What if everyone knew that it was my fault Andy tried to commit suicide? Since Jinxx and Andy were so close, I knew for a fact that Andy had told Jinxx about how I reacted to Andy cutting himself. That meant that Jinxx probably told everyone else about how I reacted.

But that would also mean that Jinxx would have had to tell everyone that Andy has been cutting himself for years. I thought to myself, awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot.

Would Jinxx really tell everyone Andy’s well-protected secret? To that, I honestly had no answer. On one hand, I knew Jinxx well enough that he would do anything in his power to respect Andy’s privacy. After all, if Andy didn’t tell Jake, CC, and Sandra about his cutting, there must have been a good reason as to why. But on the other hand, everyone would want answers as to why Andy would have tried to take his own life and only Jinxx had somewhat of an explanation.

It doesn’t matter if Jinxx did or didn’t tell. My mind whispered darkly. Even if he didn’t, Andy probably would have explained it all in his letter.

My heart sank and I felt tears form in my eyes. If Andy explained everything in his suicide note, it meant that he probably blamed me. Meaning that his parents’ know that it’s entirely my fault their son may not live to see tomorrow.

“Ashley?” I heard someone call from behind me, pulling me away from my thoughts. I turned around quickly to see my parents walking towards me.

“We thought you would have been inside already.” Dad said.

“I can’t go in there. I can’t see him like this… I’m not strong enough… I just feel so guilty…” I trailed off, tears streaming down my face and dripping off the end of my nose as I looked down at my shoes.

“Hunny,” Mum said, stepping forward to hug me. “You need to go in and see him. I know how much you care about him. There’s no reason to feel guilty either. Sometimes the signs just aren’t obvious.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything. How could I tell her that it literally was all my fault Andy was in the hospital?

Mum hugged me tighter and then let go, putting on a fake smile that was obviously meant to encourage me.

“Come on.” She said softly, starting to walk to the door. Dad started to follow behind her, grabbing my shoulder in a reassuring manner. I smiled slightly at him and followed them through the hospital door.

I trailed behind my parents into the waiting room, hands shoved firmly into my jean’s pockets. I was still looking at my shoes when I heard a quiet, sad voice break the almost silence of the room.

“Ash,”

I looked up and saw Sandra give me a small smile from the other side of the waiting room. Silent tears were streaming down her face as I walked towards her, Jinxx, CC, and Jake. CC and Jake looked up and both gave me a small ‘hey’, their eyes red and puffy from crying. Jinxx wouldn’t look at me.

“Hey guys.” I said, my voice breaking slightly. I cleared my throat awkwardly to try and fight back the tears that were threatening to start falling again. “How is he?”

“No change.” Jake replied quietly. I nodded and sat in the empty chair beside Sandra. Mum and
Dad were quietly talking to Andy’s parents, who were sitting a little ways away from us. Andy’s dad sat stone-faced, nodding slightly at something Dad was saying while Andy’s mum was sobbing almost silently on Mum’s shoulder. I felt a few tears escape my eyes and I quickly looked away. This was entirely my fault.

“Ashley, can I talk to you for a moment?” Jinxx asked me quietly, still avoiding eye contact. I nodded and he got up and started walking away from the group for some privacy, not looking back to make sure I was following. I saw CC throw me a questioning glance, but I ignored it and got up to follow Jinxx.

“Yeah?” I asked Jinxx quietly when I got close enough.

“After you and I got off the phone… Did you manage to get ahold of him?” He asked me in a hushed tone.

I shook my head. “I called him multiple times and left him a bunch of texts, but no.”

Jinxx was quiet for a moment. “So I was the last one to talk to him before…” He trailed off, not wanting to say the words.

What he told me didn’t come as a shock. I did kind of expect that it would have been Jinxx Andy would have went to after I left him at the mall. After all, Jinxx was the only other one who knew he cut.

“I shouldn’t have left him. I just honestly thought he needed time by himself to sort out his feelings. I made him promise not to do anything stupid, but I should have known…”

I grabbed Jinxx’s hands and forced him to look at me. “It’s not your fault Jinxx, you were there for him when he needed someone. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. Seriously. I…” Tears started rolling down my face again. “I acted really badly when I found out. I said some really nasty stuff to him.”

Jinxx nodded. “I know. Andy told me what you said. By the way, I’m still really pissed off at you, but now isn’t really the time to be fighting.”

I just nodded. I heard someone come up behind me and gently touch my arm. I let go of Jinxx’s hands and turned around, coming face-to-face with Andy’s mum. She gave me a tight, sad smile and looked at Jinxx.

“Can I speak to Ashley for a second?”

Jinxx nodded and walked back to where our friends were sitting. I watched Jinxx walk away, a sinking feeling in my gut. I knew what was coming.

“I talked to your mum.” She said quietly after a second. My chest tightened. Of course she would talk to Mum and Dad. After all, I did ultimately lead to her son’s attempted suicide.

“I wish we didn’t have to find out this way, but I guess it makes sense why Andy wouldn’t have told us himself with how his father and I acted the first time.”

That threw me off-guard. What the fuck was she talking about? I guess she saw the look of confusion on my face because she gave me a sad smile.

“Andy mentioned that you and him are dating in his… in his letter.” Her voice cracked a bit and she looked away. I was stunned into silence, not knowing how to respond, so she just continued. “Well, not really mentioned. Some of the note is addressed to you. I talked with Chris, and we both agree you should be able to read it.” She handed me the folded up piece of paper that was clutched tightly in her hand. I took it after a moment hesitation. Amy smiled at me and pulled me into a small hug before walking back to my parents and Chris.

I stood rooted to the spot for a moment staring at the folded up piece of paper grasped in my hand before walking to the closet chair and sitting down. I took a few deep breaths and began to read.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Wow. I don’t even know how to begin this so I guess I’m just going to start it off with a question.
Have you ever been so depressed that it’s like you’ve been thrown into a deep, dark hole with no hope of ever escaping? People always seem to think that depression is just something you can snap out of, but it’s not. It stays with you forever. Even in the moments when you’re smiling or laughing it’s there, lurking in the back of your mind like a dark shadow. Sometimes it gets so bad that it wont let you sleep, or eat, or even feel.

These past few years I’ve just felt so numb and lonely. Even though I’m surrounded by people I feel lost and alone. I know I have you guys and my friends who love me and truly care about me, but that can’t even help me from feeling constantly alone. It’s like this icy fog has settled on me and turned me completely numb.

There has always been this tiny voice at the back of my head that always tells me that I’m not good enough and that I’m worthless so there isn’t really any point in trying, and lately it’s been getting louder.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but I felt ashamed and weak. I wish I didn’t feel this way and I wish I was stronger than this, but I’m not. And honestly, I’m just too tired to fight my demons anymore.

I’m so sorry I let them win. Please don’t think of me any differently, and please don’t ever blame yourself. You couldn’t have done anything to stop me. Even if you were home tonight, even if I displayed any of the usual warning signs, it would have happened eventually. My fate was inevitable.

I love you mummy. I love you daddy.

And Ashley, my dearest Ashley, please don’t blame yourself either. I now know that I should have told you instead of you having to find out like that. I should have just told you earlier on in the relationship. I should have known that it would have been impossible to keep something like this a secret in the long run.

Everything you said about me was true. I know you’re probably thinking that all of this is your fault, but it’s not. You deserve better than me Ashley. In fact, someone like you deserves the world. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be that person for you.

I don’t want you to blame yourself and I don’t want there to be any possibility that you may end up dwelling on my death. If you do somehow end up dwelling, know this: I’m happier Ashley. I don’t believe in Heaven or God, but I know that I’ll be in a better place. You deserve to be happy too.

And Ashley, I know this might be too soon to say since we’ve been dating only a short time, but this is going to be the first and last time I’m ever going to get to tell you, so I’m just going to say it.

I think I might be starting to fall in love with you Ashley. I hope wherever I’m going; I get to keep the memories that we created together. I was at my happiest in your arms.

Tell Jake, Jinxx, Sandra, and CC that I’m sorry as well. They were such great friends to me and I honestly feel like I didn’t deserve their friendship. Guys, I love you all. Thank you.

I guess I should probably end this soon. I don’t want to keep rambling on and on, and honestly, I’m just so tired and ready to give up and sleep forever.

I cannot stress enough how this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own, and how sorry I am for not being strong enough.

And I’m not an expert on what happens after you die… So maybe this isn’t goodbye after all, but just a simple, short goodnight.

I love you all.

Andy Biersack

Tears were running down my cheeks as I got to the end of the letter. I had to reread it two more times before I could fully understand the words I was seeing in front of me.

While I was being a fucking horrible boyfriend and telling Andy how worthless he was because he self harmed to deal with everything he was going through emotionally, he was starting to fall in love with me?

What the fuck have I done?

I folded up the letter neatly before I managed to completely ruin it with my tears and set it down on the chair beside me.

“I think I’m starting to maybe love you too, Andy. Please be okay baby. I need you.” I whispered softly before putting my head in my hands and started sobbing.



A/N: Chapter nineteen guys! Man, that took a long time to write. I’M SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE WHEN IT’S REALLY NOT THAT GREAT OF A CHAPTER. I feel bad. :(
Anyway, please please please tell me what you think of this chapter and the story thus far. Your comments make me extremely happy inside, and any criticism I receive makes me happy too because it can and will improve my writing.
I LOVE YOU ALL, and thank you to everyone who has supported me. <3
See you guys next chapter! xoxo