I saw Ashley’s smile fade as he took in my arms. I saw the look of disgust form in his eyes that he wore when he saw Kina’s cuts.
"Andy." He said harshly, pointing at my arms. "What the fucking hell is this? Are you… Do you… Do you fucking cut yourself?"
______________________

Andy’s Point of View

I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t just deny the fact that I cut when the evidence was staring him right in the face, now could I?

I couldn’t just say, “Oh no dude. I don’t cut, of course not. Those are cat scratches. Wanna go get dinner now?” And skip away happily.

That was fucking impossible. For one, he knows I don’t even have a cat. Hell, none of my friends had cats. Another thing, these cuts were obviously not cat scratches. They looked more like a fucking lion attacked my arm.

In the end, I decided to stay silent because I didn’t know what to say.

"Andy, seriously. What the fuck is this?" Ashley hissed, reaching over to grab my arm. I pulled it away quickly, but not quick enough. He managed to grab hold of my wrist with his nails, and when I pulled away he dug his nails into the fresh wounds. I yelped in pain and Ashley quickly let go, concern replacing the anger for a quick second. But then it was gone, and only disgust and something like hate was visible on his face.

"Get dressed." He said before turning away. "We need to talk, and I refuse to do this here." He practically slammed the change room door behind him, causing me to jump.
I stood frozen for a few seconds, staring after Ashley. Tears began to form in my eyes and I just let them fall.

"Andy, hurry the fuck up." Ashley hissed from the other side of the door.

I broke out of my trance and pulled the t-shirt over my head, no longer caring that it was going to mess up my hair. I threw it in a corner and bent down to grab my long sleeved shirt. I pulled it over my head, hissing when the fabric brushed over the already irritated cuts on my forearms.
Not daring to look in the mirror, I slowly opened the door. Ashley was waiting for me, leaning against the wall closest to the change room I was in, doing something on his phone. When he heard the door creak open, he looked up.

"Let’s go." He said bluntly.

I didn’t say anything; I just nodded sadly.

We walked to his car in complete silence. Ashley wouldn’t even look at me, he just stared straight ahead the whole entire walk. A few times, I tried grabbing his hand, but he just sharply pulled away from me.

Finally, we made it to his car. He unlocked the door and climbed in. I took a deep breath in preparation of what was coming, and opened the door. Again, Ashley refused to look at me. He sat with his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, staring blankly out the front window.

Only after I climbed in and closed the door softly behind me did he speak.

"How long?" He asked between clenched teeth.


Ashley’s Point of View

"How long?" I asked harshly.

Andy remained silent.

"How long?" I asked again. This time the question came out louder and harsher.

"Since about grade eight." He said quietly.

I considered this for a moment, my hands tightening their grip on the wheel.

"So," I started, remaining surprisingly calm. "You’re one of them."

"Who?" Andy asked after a moment.

"Them." I spat out the word. "The people who give the kids who dress like this a bad name. The attention-seeking idiots."

"I’m not," He started, but I cut him off.

"You’re not?" I screamed, getting right in his face. "You’re not? You fucking cut yourself Andy.
What else could you possibly gain from destroying your body?"

"It helps." Andy whispered, almost to himself. "I’m not doing it for attention."

I snorted. “Bullshit. That’s fucking bullshit. Do you remember what I told Kina Wednesday…?” I suddenly trailed off. It was after I confronted Kina that Andy suddenly got really upset. Before that, he was completely fine.

Right then and there, it dawned on me. “Wednesday. That’s why you were so upset, because of what I said about Kina being an attention-seeking bitch. You were so upset because you’re exactly like her. That’s also why you didn’t tell me, because you didn’t want me to see you for what you really are.” I turned to him, no longer feeling the butterflies in my stomach that seeing him usually brought. I just felt empty and numb. How could my beautiful Andy turn out to be an attention whore? Justin was right about him the entire time.

"Ashley…" Andy started, tears streaming down his face. I turned away from him.

"Get out." I hissed.

Andy froze. “Wh-what?” He asked, shocked.

"Are you fucking deaf, you pathetic piece of shit?" I screamed, turning back towards him to get as close as possible to his face. "Get the fuck out of my fucking car!"

Andy sat there in shock. “Okay.” He whispered finally. “Can… Will I talk to you later?”

"No." I said coldly, turning back to facing away from him. "I want nothing to do with you. Justin was right about you the entire time. You’re nothing but a pathetic little faggot. You’re worthless Andy. And that’s why you cut yourself. No one cares about you. No one loves you. No one fucking gives a damn because of how fucking pathetic you are. So you cut yourself and hope that that will make people care. Well guess what? I cared. Cutting for attention only pushes people away. And that’s exactly what you did - You pushed me away. Now get the fuck out of my sight. I never ever want to see you again. You’re dead to me."


Andy’s Point of View

I was still sitting on a curb in the parking lot where Ashley had left me an hour later. I had finally stopped crying, and now I just felt numb. Empty. Worthless.

The last words that Ashley had said to me before I had got out of the car still echoed through my head. He hated me. He thought I was worthless. He thought I was pathetic.

A cold wind started blowing, managing to break through my numbness. Feeling returned to my body, and with it, the pain. Fresh tears started rolling down my face as I brought my knees up to my chest. My teeth started chattering and the tears became stiff on my face. I let out a small sob, and hugged my knees tighter.

Eventually, the cold became too much and I slowly pulled out my phone. Only one person could help me at this point. Only one person knew what I was going through. I dialed his number and brought the phone to my ear. After three, agonizing rings, he finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"Jinxx." I said, my voice slightly cracking.

"Andy? What’s wrong?" He asked, his voice full of concern.

"Jinxxy, I need you. A-Ash… He hates me. I can’t… I don’t…"

"Shh." Jinxx said, gently interrupting my rambling. "Are you at home?"

I shook my head, but then realised he couldn’t see me. “No.” I muttered. “I’m at the mall. Ashley took me to the mall, but then he saw… He knows I cut Jinxx.”

"Did he fucking leave you at the mall?" Jinxx hissed.

"He hates me." I whispered, not fully answering his question.

"I’m on my way." Jinxx said after a small pause.

"Y-you don’t have a car."

"I’ll borrow my dad’s. I do have my license."

"I know." I whispered.

"I’ll be there in ten minutes." Jinxx said.

"Okay." I responded. I just barely got the word out before the line went dead.


Ashley’s Point of View

I sped all the way home in silence; I was too angry to listen to music. I kept seeing Andy’s scars flash before my eyes, which only increased my anger.

I thought of how reluctant he was to get a t-shirt. How upset he got after I told off Kina. How he was always wearing long sleeves, even in the hottest of weather. How could I have been so stupid? The evidence was all right in front of me, yet I was too blind to put the pieces together. The last words I had said to Andy played through my mind, but as harsh as I knew I was, I felt no guilt or regret. I didn’t want anything to do with Andy. How could I be in a relationship with someone, let alone friends, with someone who hurts themself for attention? I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t.

But that also meant that I was alone now. I wanted nothing to do with Andy, which also meant I no longer had Sandra, Jinxx, Jake, or CC as friends. I also couldn’t just go crawling back to Justin after what had happened between us. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to being friends with him anyway.

You’re alone Ashley. My mind whispered to me as I pulled into my driveway. You have no one.
But maybe I didn’t need anyone. I wasn’t a Popular that was for sure. I never really did fit in with them, and even when I was friends with them, I wasn’t truly happy.

I no longer fit in with the Outcasts either. I sure as hell wasn’t an attention-seeking loser.
So, what that meant is I was alone, and it was for the better. I wasn’t Ashley Purdy, the Popular man whore. I wasn’t Ashley Purdy, the bisexual, hated Outcast either. I was Ashley Purdy, the Outlaw.


Andy’s Point of View

"I’m going to fucking kill him." Jinxx nearly shouted after I finally managed to tell him what happened between sobs.

"N-no Jinxxy." I whispered. "I deserve it. I’m fucking worthless. I am pathetic. Everything he said is true." I broke down into heavy sobs.

"Andy, fucking look at me." Jinxx said harshly. I shook my head, letting my hair cover my face. Jinxx gently grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger and made me look at him.

"You’re not worthless Andy. You’re not pathetic either. He’s the pathetic one." I started to protest but Jinxx interrupted me. "No, Andy. He doesn’t fucking deserve you. If he did, he would have understood. He would have fucking listened to you."

I nodded, deciding it was easier just to pretend to agree with him.

"You’re right, Jinxx." I lied. "He’s the pathetic one."

"Good." Jinxx said with a small, sad smile. He pulled me into a hug and I leaned into him.

We sat like that for half an hour, not saying anything. I cried for the first bit, but by the end I was just starting to feel numb again.

"Jinxx," I whispered, pulling away.

"Yeah Andy?"

"I… I need to be left alone for a while." I replied after a second.

"Are you sure Andy?" Jinxx whispered suddenly, pulling away to look into my eyes. "I really don’t feel okay with leaving you alone like this."

I shook my head. “I’ll be okay Jinxx. My parents will be home soon. I just… Need to sort through my feelings right now. I need time to think.”

Jinxx sat in silence for a moment, searching my face. Finally, he sighed.

"Alright. But I really want you to call me if you need anything."

I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

"Promise me Andy. Promise me you’re not going to do anything stupid." Jinxx said harshly.

"I promise." I whispered quietly.

After Jinxx left I sat on the edge of my bed for what seemed like forever. I wasn’t even thinking about anything; my mind was too numb. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I just stared at my bare feet. I hate feeling numb. Feeling pain, even the pain of losing Ashley would be better than this.

There’s only one way to fix this, you know that Andy.

I didn’t even try to fight off the urge this time. There wasn’t any point. I was too weak mentally, and honestly, I didn’t have anything to lose anymore.
I stood up slowly and walked to my bathroom with a new purpose. I dug through the drawer that hid my precious razor. My hand finally found the small, black box and I slowly pulled it out. Ignoring the piece of tape with my writing on it, I lifted the lid. Inside, my best friend lay waiting for me.

I walked shakily back to my bed and sat down. I took a deep, steady breath and took the razor to my wrist. The cut was long and deep, but I still couldn’t cry. I still couldn’t think. I was still numb. I raised the razor and found another piece of my skin to rip open. Fifteen cuts later, I still felt nothing.

20 new cuts.

Nothing.

22.

Nothing.

I was running out of room on my left arm, so I took the razor with my left hand and began to shakily carve up my right wrist.

My blood was running down my arms and dripping onto my floor, but still I felt numb. Was this what it was going to be like from now on? Going through life without feeling? Without meaning? If so, it wasn’t worth living.

You’re worthless, Andy. No one loves you. No one needs you. No one wants you. You won’t be missed. In fact, you’ll be doing everyone a favour. Jut end it and sleep forever.

For someone who just decided to end their own life, I was surprisingly calm. I stood up and walked to my bedroom door, and walked out, letting my shredded arms drop blood as I walked. I couldn’t bring myself to care about the mess I was leaving behind. In fact, I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything. I opened the door to my parents’ bedroom and poked my head in. I breathed in the smell of lavender and smiled slightly, the smell bringing back memories of sleeping in my parent’s bedroom when I had a nightmare. Then I remembered why I was here and my smile faded.

Quietly, I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the lights. One of the lights flickered for a second, but began to burn bright. I walked over to the sink and stared at the sad excuse for a human being in the mirror. I took in its blue, blood shot eyes, it’s horribly smudged makeup, and its messy hair. When I moved closer to the mirror, the thing followed.

"You’re pathetic." I told it in a hushed tone. "No one likes you, and no one needs you. You’re worthless. You hear me? You’re fucking worthless." I stare in the mirror for a few more minutes before opening the bathroom cupboard. Not even a second after opening the door, I found what I was looking for. My mother’s sleeping pills.

I reached out slowly and grabbed the bottle with my long, pale fingers. I looked down at the bottle and smiled a bit. Then I quickly closed the cupboard door and exited my parents’ bedroom.

Ten minutes later, I was sat on my bed again. This time though, five things lay before me; my razor, my depression pills, the sleeping pills, a large bottle of vodka to wash it all down, and my suicide note. I opened one of the bottles and poured a bunch of pills in my hand. I didn’t even look at the pills when I tipped them into my mouth and washed them down with a mouth full of vodka.

Soon, both pill bottles were empty. I didn’t feel scared or sad, I just felt impatient. I just want this to be over. While waiting for the pills to kick in, I began carving up my skin again. Whether because I was just bored, or because I was hoping to break the numbness so I could cry one last time, I don’t know. I just knew my arms were bleeding badly. So badly that I should have been scared, but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel anything except the sharp pain of the razor against my skin.

Suddenly, in the middle of making a particularly deep and painful cut, I began to feel lightheaded and sick. And suddenly, I was scared. I started to reach for my phone to call Jinxx, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I couldn’t figure how to work my phone properly. I could feel my heart racing in my chest, and hear the blood pounding in my ears. I broke out into a cold sweat and I started to shiver uncontrollably. Then, suddenly I felt nothing as I slipped into darkness.


Ashley’s Point of View

I was lying on my bed, listening to music through my headphone when I felt my phone start ringing. I yanked out an ear bud and grabbed my phone. I looked at the caller ID.

"Fuck." I muttered as I answered the call and put the phone to my ear.

"What do you want?" I asked Jinxx.

"I wanted to let you know how much of a judgmental ass hole you are." Jinxx responded, his voice shaking.

I let out a humourless laugh. “At least I’m not an attention whore.”

"You fucking cunt." Jinxx yelled into the phone, but then he paused and took a shaky breath.
"Neither is Andy, Ashley."

"People only cut for attention." I replied coldly.

"That’s not true." Jinxx whispered.

"Yes it is," I began, angry, but he cut me off.

"Not everyone cuts for attention. I know I didn’t." Jinxx said quietly.

That took me by surprise. “You… Cut yourself?” I asked.

"I used to. No one except my parents, counselor, Andy, and now you know. If I did it for attention don’t you think a lot more people would know?"

I thought about that for a second. He was right, but I didn’t want to admit it. I sighed.

“I guess,” I started. “But…”

Jinxx cut me off again. “No buts Ashley. You know how many people know about Andy?”

I paused. I never thought about that. I just assumed that everyone knew for some reason. He continued without my answer.

“Two people Ashley. Me and you. Do you know how much trouble he goes through to hide his cuts? He wears long sleeve shirts every. Fucking. Day. It doesn’t matter the weather. Doesn’t matter how uncomfortable he gets, he still wears them so that no one finds out.”

Jinxx paused to let that sink in.

“You mean… Only you and I know?” I muttered, for the first time feeling guilty about the way I reacted.

“Yes.” He said harshly. “You know how I found out? Basically the same way you did. I walked in on him doing it because he forgot to lock the bathroom door. He has never told anyone.”

“People found out about his cutting by accident?” I whispered after a moment.

“Andy never told anyone at all. We only found out by accident.” He said, his tone softer.

I let out a strangled sob. “What have I done Jinxx?”

“You lost a really good guy.” He said. “You… Fuck. I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’m so fucking pissed off at you for fucking up this badly, but you make Andy happy. You need to call and talk to him.”

“Will he forgive me?” I whispered, trying to hold back a sob.

“I don’t know. But if you care about him, you have to try.”

“Thank you for telling me Jinxx.” I said after a moment of silence.

“I’m doing it for him. I don’t know if I can forgive you yet, but maybe.” He replied.

“I understand.”

“Good.” He said, a hint of the old, joking Jinxx, appearing in his tone. “Now call him!”

“Okay.” I laughed slightly. “Bye Jinxx.”

“Bye.”

I hung up the phone and quickly dialed Andy’s number.

He never answered.

I tried again, but still, he never answered.

After leaving five voicemails and sending at least twenty text messages, I fell asleep clutching my phone.

I was woken up by the sound of my ringtone. I reached over to grab my phone and checked the time; 3:30am. I groaned loudly, but answered anyway.

“Hello?” I said, sitting up slightly.

“Ashley,” Sandra said. Her voice came out broken, as if she was crying.

“Sandra?” I asked, fully sitting up now. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… Oh Ash, Andy is in the hospital.” She whispered, her voice cracking.

My blood ran cold and my hands started shaking. “Wh-what?” I stuttered.

“He tried to commit suicide Ash. The doctors don’t know if he’s going to make it.”



A/N: I love my cliffhangers. Muaha. I’m sorry. Please don’t throw things at me. Literally. I’m not even joking. One of my friends who actually follows this story threw a box of tissues at me when she finished reading the last chapter EVEN AFTER I SPECIFICALLY SAID NOT TOO. It’s okay. I’m over it. :)
Like always, comment with your opinions. I want to know how you like the story so far. After all, you are the reader! Let me know how I am doing. Comments make me happy.
See you guys next chapter, love you all so so much. <3 xoxo