Secrets

“Just stop wasting your fucking time and move on with Vanessa!” I growled shoving Andy out of my way. I was starting to get so mad, not at Andy but at Vanessa and myself. I had to leave I couldn’t hear anymore of Andy pleading and asking me questions. I couldn’t stand to see the hurt on his face anymore. It was my fault that he was this way now and if I hadn’t let it slip to Vanessa that Andy and I were together then none of this would be happening right now. It’s my entire fault and I’m determined to fix it. I wish I could just tell Andy what’s going on but I can’t, there are just so many problems that could come from it so I have to keep my mouth shut. I know that I told myself that I wouldn’t let it bother me if I saw Andy and Vanessa together but seeing them this morning almost brought me to tears.

I was seriously just going to ignore them and make my coffee but just hearing them caused me to slam the coffee can onto the floor. It broke them up but the warning glare sent my way from Vanessa caused me to shiver and remember what could happen if I slipped up again. I had to be discrete with getting rid of Vanessa, she couldn’t know I was up to something. I sat down in my bunk and shut the curtain. I winced when I felt some of my hot coffee hit my legs. I was so mad that I was shaking. I wasn’t even steady enough to drink my coffee. I took a couple deep breaths to calm myself down.

I know that tour is almost over but I want to go home. I miss having time to myself to think. I wish I was back with Mary Ann. I worked at her bakery Like Clouds when I wasn’t on tour with Ashley. She is the kindest woman I know. Ashley and I have known her since we moved to California. She was like our mother. Mary Ann took good care of us. She taught me how to cook all types of foods and inspired me to become a chief. When I was little I wanted to spend every moment with her and when I wasn’t with the guys, Sammi or Jamie I was with her. To me she was my mother and I know she saw me as her daughter. She knew all about Ashley and I’s past and was there when we needed someone. Mary Ann took us in no questions asked and I will forever be thankful to her for that.
Feeling tears well up in my eyes again, I decided to call her. I grabbed my phone and my coffee and went to the back room and locked the door. I would always be so grateful that the back room was sound proof, nobody needed to hear me cry shamelessly. I took a few deep breaths before I dialed her number hoping she wasn’t too busy at the bakery to pick up.

“Hello Jade, long time not hearing from you how have you been?”

“Hi Mama.” I choked out.

“Sweetheart what’s wrong?” She asked worry and concern was laced in her voice.

“Everything.” I sobbed.

“Oh sweetheart tell me what’s happening?” And through my tears I managed to tell her everything, from my makeover, my nightmares, to Andy and I’s problems, up to our breakup caused by Vanessa. She already knew about my relationship with Andy and always tried to encourage me to tell Ashley. I was seriously scared of what Ashley would do. Ashley would literally try to kill Andy if he knew and I just couldn’t handle it if something happened to him.

“Jade sweetheart how much time do you have left on tour?” Mary Ann’s voice broke through my sobs.

“T-three w-weeks.”

“Well when you get back I think that you need to stay with me for a while, to clear your mind.”

“Okay.”

“And you need to tell Ashley and Andy what’s going on. Sweetheart I know you’re scared but Ashley needs to know. I’ll be there when you tell him. You know I’ll knock some sense into him. He can’t say no to me. ”

“B-but…”

“No buts Jade.” Her tone getting motherly and serious. “This is tearing you apart. Ashley needs to realize that you are not a child anymore. How protective he’s being over you isn’t helping, it’s harming you. I’ve been to every one of Ashley’s therapy sessions and all of yours as well. I have been by your side since the day I found you guys. You are both my children and Ashley needs to realize that he doesn’t need to protect you by himself anymore. You have me, Sammi, Jamie and three new brother’s and a boy that loves you more than anything. You both have people in your lives now that love you and would do anything for you. You’re not alone and you both need to let them in. I will be having a long stern talk with Ashley but for right now Jade I’m going to need you to stay strong for me.”

“Okay Mama.”

“You are such a strong young woman and don’t you ever think otherwise.” I just sniffed before wiping my eyes with the back of my arm.

“Thank you Mama.”

“No problem Sweetie.” I spent the majority of my morning in the back room talking to Mary Ann before she had to get back to work. I sighed deeply and made sure I didn’t look like I was crying before I left the room. I decided to actually get ready for the day and be productive. Just because my life is shit right now doesn’t mean I can slack off at work (even though Jon would let me). I grabbed a quick shower and changed into a fresh pair of clothes. Instead of walking around barefoot I slipped on some socks and sneakers before going up to the front. I would have loved to just stay in the backroom or in my bunk but I didn’t want anyone to think anything was wrong.

When I entered everyone was just sitting around talking while Jake and Jinxx played a random video game. When they noticed my presence everyone gave me a warm smile except for Andy and Vanessa but I knew that was going to happen and nobody else seemed to notice except CC. I decided the best way to keep my sanity was to just ignore Andy and let Vanessa do whatever the hell she wanted. I was just too tired and exhausted to fight right now. I was going to take Mary Ann’s advice and just wait. Andy would be mine again I just have to be patient.

“Hey sleep head I see you’re finally awake.” Ashley said slightly amused. I just yawned before lying across him and CC’s laps. Ashley started to play with my hair and I sighed, he always had a way of calming me down.

“Actually I’ve been up for a while; I’ve just been in the backroom talking to Mary Ann all morning.”

“Oh really now? How is she? I haven’t talked to her in such a long time.”

“Mama’s fine, she wants to talk to you when we get back though.”

“Really about what?”

“Stuff.” I said knowing that he’d understand.

“Alright.” He said with a hint of confusion in his voice. I just let him be confused he’d understand when Mary Ann was yelling at him when we got back. I slightly giggled at the thought. She was the only person that Ashley ever took orders from. It was funny seeing him scared of her.

I was actually looking forward to living with my Mama, I had always felt safe with her and I really missed her. I wonder if she left my room the way it was or if she changed it? I guess I’ll find out when I get home, three weeks needs to go by fast before I lose my mind. I could just feel Andy’s gaze on me and it made me uncomfortable. I just sat there in silence before the bus finally came to a halt. I sat up and looked at the venue out the window.

“Jade you ready to go?” Jon asked.

“Yep! Just let me go get my bag.” I chimed hoping off Ashley and CC’s laps before going back to my bunk. Once I rushed back in I stumbled over my feet but managed to catch myself before I fell flat on my face. They guys started howling with laughter and I couldn't help but to blush in embarrassment. I smacked Jake hard on the shoulder just because he was the closest to me.

"Why?" hr whined and I just smirked.

"You're the closest to me" I said bluntly causing the other's to snicker. "Laugh all you want I'll hit you all later when I'm not busy, so be prepared." I glanced at them all trying to be menacing but I knew I was as intimidating as a newborn kitten.

"Alright, Baby Girl, we'll stay prepared" Ashley teased and I glared at him playfully before breaking out into grin. I laughed, giving everyone a peace sign before heading out of the door with Jon. Maybe the next three weeks won’t be so horrible as long as I have my family to keep me distracted.

Yeah I think I'll be just fine.

Notes