Secrets

Something just wasn’t right on this bus and I couldn’t pinpoint what it was but I knew something was off. It had been two days since Jade and I had broken up and surprisingly I haven’t seen much of her since then. The only time I saw her was when she was running around with Jon or when she was hanging out with CC. Those two were practically attached at the hip now. I assumed that he was comforting her because of the breakup but it didn’t seem right. It was like Jade’s whole mood had changed completely since the breakup. She was happy and I could tell it wasn’t fake. Jade was genuinely happy and that confused me. Was she happy that she had gotten rid of me? Was she just waiting for an opportunity to dump me?

I couldn’t help but let jealousy run threw me every time I saw the two of them together. I know Jade had nothing going on with CC when we were together but there’s nothing stopping her now. Did Jade leave me for CC? I quickly banished that thought from my mind. Jade would never do that to me, even though she broke up with me I know she still loves me. I let myself get lost in my thoughts as I stared out the window as the bus drove on to our next destination. I took up the whole couch and I didn’t care. Everyone else was sleeping since it was about six in the morning. I sighed to myself and ran my hand through my hair again.

I was so busy staring out the window that I jumped when I felt someone sit on top of me. At first in the dark I thought it was Jade but when I felt a hand on my cheek I instantly knew it wasn’t her. I turned away from the window and just stared at Vanessa. I was instantly comparing Vanessa to Jade and I couldn’t help it. Sure Vanessa was beautiful but there was just something about her that made her seem distant. But with Jade she was like an open book, she always said what was on her mind. She was gentle and kind, and never wanted others around her to be sad. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know Vanessa very well but to me she would never compare to Jade. I’m sure that if I dated Vanessa I would enjoy my time with her and I might actually like her but I could never love her. Since Jade and I were over there was nothing stopping me from moving on to second best.

“Hey Andy are you alright? What are you doing up so early?” Vanessa asked brushing my hair out of my face. She was straddling me and her bright red hair was up in a loose bun, she was wearing a tight tank top and pajama shorts that left nothing to the imagination. I had to admit she did look hot.

“I couldn’t sleep.” I mumbled looking down at the space between us.

“Oh that’s too bad. I just woke up but I slept fine. Do you want me to make you coffee?”

“No I’m fine.”

“You’ve seemed pretty sad lately is there any way I can help you?”

“No I’ve just been in a bad mood for a while. I’ll get over it.”

“Are you sure there isn’t any way that I could help you?”

“I’m sure.” I said but Vanessa placed her hand on my cheek and made me face her again. She was leaning in closer and closer and I made no move to stop her. Soon her lips met mine in a simple kiss and I didn’t pull away. She wrapped her arms around my neck and shifted closer into my lap. Vanessa kissed me again and with more force and this time I kissed back. I just didn’t care anymore I felt numb to everything. If I didn’t have Jade what did anything else matter? Making out with Vanessa didn’t do much for me but for a moment it did lessen the pain of not having Jade. As if my body was on autopilot I pulled her closer to me so we were chest to chest. Things were starting to become intense and I barely felt her hands slip underneath my shirt. My hands were slowing slipping under her shirt and up towards her bra when I heard a big bang.

I instantly jumped causing both Vanessa and I to crash to the floor. I searched around frantically for the source of the noise when I noticed Jade in the kitchen picking up a coffee can. How the fuck did I not notice her walk past me?

“Sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to make myself coffee because today is going to be a long day and I need to be up bright and early to help Jon. Continue with what you’re doing.” She said waving us off and trying to fix herself some coffee.

“Jade how long have you been awake?” I asked picking myself up off the floor before helping Vanessa up, I was still slightly dazed and confused.

“Me? Oh I’ve been up since like five, whenever I’m on tour with you guys I have the shittest sleeping patterns. Andy you already know this.” I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying because I was too busy trying not to stare at her. She was walking around in just a sports bra and pajama shorts that could have passed off as underwear. She looked downright sexy and I couldn’t fucking tell her that.

“Anyway I’d been sitting in my bunk watching Level Up on my laptop but then I got bored and decided to just get up and make myself breakfast. I walked past you two but obviously you were preoccupied so I walked past as quietly as I could without disturbing you. It was working out fine until my clumsy ass dropped the coffee can.” I was trying to listen but it just wasn’t working. I took a glance Vanessa’s way and noticed she was glaring at Jade. I thought nothing of it and just assumed she was mad because our make out session was ruined.

“Anyway you can go back to what you were doing I’m just going to make myself some coffee and go back to my bunk. I’m not really hungry so I’ll have breakfast later.”

“But you don’t drink coffee it makes you twitch.”

“Yes I know that but it keeps me awake and I need to be wide awake for the next few weeks to make sure this tour goes out with a bang. So I need to have coffee. I would get an energy drink but you and the rest of the guys drank them all. But anyway I didn’t mean to disturb you I just came to get coffee so ignore me and keep doing what you’re doing.” She said turning away from us and focusing on the coffee maker.

I could feel my blood starting to boil. It was like she didn’t fucking care at all! She had just caught me making out with Vanessa, did that mean nothing to her! Jade was so fucking calm and relaxed about this whole situation. It was like we were never together at all. It was like she was talking to me as if I was just her friend. But we weren’t friends, we were barely ever friends and there was no way in fucking hell we would ever be friends now.

“I’m just going to go back to my bunk and try to go to sleep I’ll see you later Andy.” Vanessa mumbled giving me a quick peck on the lips before she walked away back to the bunks. I just stood frozen not sure what to say or do. My heart was racing just seeing Jade standing in the kitchen wearing that skimpy outfit and I could feel my temper rising because of her indifference to the fact that I was making out with Vanessa. Jade just didn’t fucking care and it was pissing me off. I practically stomped the few strides into the kitchen and stood behind her. I knew she knew I was there but she continued to stay focused on the coffee maker and ignore me. Getting sick of her attitude I grabbed her arm and spun her around to face me.

“Is there something you wanted Andy?” She asked her expression and tone emotionless. I growled and moved in between her legs and placed my hands on either side of the counter pinning her to the spot. I was sick of this indifference.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I practically spat in her face.

“What are you talking about Andy I’m fine.”

“Exactly! You’re walking around like everything is normal like nothing ever happened. A few days ago you were in tears about how even though you love me breaking up was for the best.”

“Am I supposed to never be happy again Andy? Are you the only person that is allowed to make me happy?”

“No but you were miserable you acted like the world just ended. Now it seems like you could even careless that we broke up. Did I not mean anything to you are something? Were you just waiting to dump me so you could move on to someone better?”

“Seriously Andy you have to stop being so jealous of CC. He’s like my big brother dating him would be gross.”

“Than what’s the fucking reason that you don’t give a shit that we’re over? You may have been able to get over it in two days but I haven’t!”

“Well you almost fucking Vanessa on the sofa says differently.” Jade said in what to me sounded like an amused tone. I was so pissed I slammed my fists on the counter causing her to jump. I would have felt bad for scaring her but I was just so mad that I didn’t care. I was so close to her now that our faces were practically touching.

“Since I can’t have you anymore there is nothing stopping me from going for second best. If you told me you wanted me back I’d drop her in a heartbeat. I love you and you’re stomping on my emotions like you don’t give a fuck. Did you ever love me at all Jade or was I just some kind of game to you?” I was fuming by the end of my rant and I could tell that my face was probably red from all the anger I was feeling.

“Don’t you dare say that I never loved you Andy!” She snapped at me getting in my face. “I fucking loved you.”

“That’s past tense Jade.”

“So what? I can’t say I love you now Andy, I just can’t.”

“And why is that? Why is it so fucking hard to say you love me?”

“Because if I admit it to you it will be harder for the both of us to move on! We can’t be together Andy don’t you fucking get it? Andy we would never fucking last can’t you see that? We’d end up hurting each other way worse than right now. We’d tear each other apart, if Ashley found out he would tear us apart. It could ruin the band. I am not going to fuck up yours and Ashley’s dreams.”

“Why couldn’t you have just told Ashley about us? He’d get over it eventually.”

“No he wouldn’t Andy, you wouldn’t understand. There is a reason why Ashley is so protective over me.”

“Well than fucking explain it to me!”

“I can’t!”

“And why the fuck not?”

“Because there are just some things Andy that you don’t need to know about. It’s none of your fucking business so leave it alone!” She wailed, I could tell that I was starting to push her buttons but I didn’t care. I wanted her to break and tell me what the fuck was going on with her. “I’m trying to be happy and move on. Being with you the past two years will always be the greatest part of my life to me but it couldn’t last forever. I want you to move on with Vanessa Andy, I want you to be happy and she can make you happier than I ever could. Move on Andy it’s just going to eat you up inside if you don’t. All I ever want is for you to be happy because you deserve it. I’ll get over you Andy but it will take time, but for now I have to put on a brave face and bare it.”

She shoved me away and spun around and grabbed her coffee mug. She quickly started to move around and pour her coffee into a glass. My head was still spinning with confusion and anger. “Save yourself the heartache and move on Andy, I’m not worth it. I know you’re furious with me, but at least act like we’re friends so nobody suspects anything. We don’t need tension on the bus especially since tour is almost over. Just stop wasting your fucking time and move on with Vanessa.” She said in anger before grabbing her mug and roughly shoving me out of her way and back towards the bunks.

I just stood and watched her leave stunned. Everything was total bullshit right now and I didn’t know or want to deal with any of this. I just couldn’t understand why Jade was acting this way, something was off and I just couldn’t figure out what it was. This wasn’t her, this wasn’t my Jade. What the fuck is going on? I was so mad at her right now that I just wanted to scream and smash anything in sight. Jade wants me to move on with Vanessa well fucking fine I will but I’m going to make her regret it.

Notes