Secrets

I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I just sat on the sofa stunned by Jade’s words. I couldn’t believe we were over and this time it seemed like it was for good. I know that she always wanted to put things that were in my best interest first. But this? This was going too far. Losing her once made me realize that I didn’t care about having to keep us a secret, as long as I had her I’d be fine. But now that she’s made it clear that we’re over what do I do now? Besides the band Jade means everything to me. I can’t give up on us, but I have to. Whenever Jade’s mind was made up there was no changing it. She really wasn’t going to come back to me this time. And with that thought in mind the tears just couldn’t stop falling. I clenched my hands into fists so tight that I knew my nails would dig into my palms to the point that I would draw blood but I just don’t care.

Two years together gone completely down the drain. I wiped at my eyes furiously but it was pointless. I missed her already and even though she would always be near it would crush me to see her every day and know that she’s not mine anymore. She was doing this because she thought I deserved better. But truthfully I would never get anyone better than her. Jade just didn’t see how great she was and I think that’s what hurt the most about her breaking up with me.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. This just didn’t feel right, it was just too sudden. I wasn’t that stupid, I knew that this sudden breakup had something to do with Vanessa. Did Jade honestly think Vanessa was better than her? Had Jade’s insecurities really gone that far that she believed she wasn't worth my time. In my opinion I wasn’t worth her time. Jade was such a sweet and caring person and it killed me that she couldn’t see it.

My mind was racing and I just felt so hopeless. I just didn’t know what to do and the pain in my chest wasn’t going away and I knew it wouldn’t. What hurt the most was knowing that she was probably in her bunk crying and that there was nothing I could do about it. I knew she wouldn’t let me comfort her or even come close to her. This really fucking sucked. All I could do was stare ahead of me, boy what I wouldn’t do to just drown in a bottle of whisky right now. If I could just escape from this for a while I’d be fine. I lied down on the couch and shut my eyes all I could see or think about was Jade and I knew sleep wouldn’t help either.

I was shaken awake by a concerned looking CC, I yawned before I rubbed my eyes and sat up. CC just continued to look down at me with a mix of concern and confusion. I didn’t bother to speak I didn’t have anything to say and even if I did I sure as hell didn’t feel like talking.

“Andy what is going on with you and Jade? I went to check on her earlier and she had cried herself to sleep. Judging by the look on your face something serious happened.” He moved so he was sitting down next to me and I stared down at the floor. “Are you two having problems again? You know besides Matt I’m the only one that knows so you can tell me.”

“She broke up with me.”

“W-what?”

“She broke up with me, said that we were only kidding ourselves into thinking that we could actually last. She said that I should find someone better. Someone that I don’t have to hide.”

“But you love each other that’s the only thing that should matter.”

“I know that but Jade is set on thinking that she can’t offer me anything, that she’s not good enough for me.”

“Well we both know that’s bullshit.” CC said practically growling.

“I’m well aware of that but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“What if I talk to her. She’ll come around Andy, I know she will.”

“No CC don’t even bother. I know her too well, there was something in her eyes that just proved how serious she was. It really doesn’t matter what I say or do. We’re done, she’s not coming back to me this time.”

“Andy you can’t just give up.”

“She told me to move on!” I shouted not being able to take it anymore. CC stared at me startled but I just didn’t care. “If telling me to move on isn’t a sign that its over then I don’t know what is! And worst of all she told me to move on with Vanessa. There is nothing I can do to change her mind CC. We’re over!” my voice cracked and I had to turn away from him. I was not going to start crying all over again.

“Andy-”

“Was there a reason you came in here besides to ask me what’s wrong with Jade?” CC just sighed giving up on the fight.

“I was telling you that we’re at the venue and that we need to get ready for the show. So hurry up.”

“Alright I’ll be out in a few.” I mumbled. CC just gave me a hug before he got up and left the room. I was dreading facing everyone, even though nobody knew what was going on I still couldn’t let on that anything was out of the ordinary. I as much as I love preforming I knew my heart wasn’t going to be in it tonight and probably wouldn’t be for the rest of tour but I did have to try and I would, I couldn’t let the fans down just because my life was a mess. I walked out of the back room and held my breath when I reached my bunk. For once I wished my bunk wasn’t the one underneath Jade’s. The curtain was shut and I could hear her light breathing. My chest constricted just thinking about her being so close to me yet out of reach. So much for the date CC had helped me plan for our next hotel night. I quickly grabbed the stuff that I needed and headed off the bus and into the venue.

When I entered the dressing room everyone greeted me with wide and bright smiles, I could tell that CC’s smile was forced though. A chorus of ‘Hey Andy’ rang through the room and I just nodded.

“Hey guys. Um is Jade not doing merch tonight?” I asked rubbing my arm uneasily, nobody seemed to notice.

“Yeah she said she was tired so Jon decided to give her the night off.” Ashley said messing with his hair. “Jamie and Vanessa are handling the booth tonight.” I just nodded and tried to ignore the way Vanessa was eying me up like I was a piece of meat. I couldn’t be bothered with her right now. I made my way to the bathroom and changed into my outfit for tonight’s show. When I was finished I exited the bathroom and put on my warpaint. Getting ready for the show went by in a blur and soon enough we were walking out and heading towards the stage. CC squeezed my shoulder and I gave him a weak smile.

“Just try the best you can tonight. You know I’m here for you man.”

“Yeah I know, thanks CC.”

“No problem.”

Our intro music started playing and I signed deeply before plastering a fake smile on my face. I jumped up and down to get myself pumped up and started to run onto the stage. For now I hoped to get lost in the music.

-X-

Despite the fact that my mind was off in a whole different world, I had managed to pull myself together and give a successful show. I was back on the bus lounging with the rest of the guys completely wasted off my ass. With a bottle of vodka in hand I was drinking it like it was water. Everyone but CC thought it was amusing. He looked at me across the room with concerned eyes and I just tried to ignore his gaze. He just didn’t understand, my heart was broken and if I was drunk I didn’t have thoughts of Jade running through my mind. I was tired but just knowing that Jade was in the bunk above mine sleeping made me want to stay far, far away. I cursed repeatedly in my head and brought the bottle back to my lips.

“Andy don’t you think you’ve had enough?” CC asked and I responded by shrugging and taking another gulp. “You are really going to regret this in the morning.” I just growled and tried to ignore him. I know that he was only being the great friend that he is and trying to take care of me but at this point I just didn’t care about anything.

The night was starting to become a blur and I don’t even know how it happened but somehow Vanessa managed to make her way into my lap. She was just sitting there peacefully and in my drunken state I made no move to remove her. I just didn’t care anymore, I was done trying to fight her off, since Jade and I were over I had no reason to fight her off. Ashley, Jinxx and Jake were smirking at me and I rolled my eyes and flipped them off. It was well after two in the morning and all of us were still up and awake.

“Oh hey Jade, did we wake you up?” Ashley asked and I quickly turned around to see her standing in the doorway looking terrible. It was like despite the fact that she had been asleep all day, she was still exhausted.

“Oh no Ash, I’m fine just getting a bottle of water.”

“Jade did you get any sleep at all?” Jamie asked concern etched on her face “You don’t look like you slept at all.”

“I’m fine seriously. Just had a bad dream it’s no big deal.” She was trying to avoid looking at me I could tell because I was trying to do the same thing. Having Vanessa sit on my lap and have Jade in the same room was so fucking awkward. “So Andy I see you finally made a move on Vanessa. It took you long enough.” Her voice sounded happy but I could see right through it. I still didn’t understand why after everything she wanted me to actually date Vanessa. My whole world has been flipped upside down. “Now Jake and Ashley can finally stop nagging you about it.” Everyone but CC and Ashley laughed. Ashley was giving his sister an odd look and I had no clue what that could be about.

“Jade are you sure you’ve been sleeping alright? You do look constantly tired.”

“Ashley I’m fine, I just had a bad dream.” She said trying to brush her brother off as she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Uh huh, Jade we need to talk.” Ashley said standing up.

“Seriously Ashley I’m fine.”

“Not buying it, come on.” Ashley said grabbing her hand and starting to pull her out of the room.

“Ash dude chill she said she’s fine.” Jinxx said trying to reason with him.

“I think I know my own sister better than you do Jinxx, butt out of it.” He snapped before dragging her completely out of the room. All of us sat stunned for a moment before CC spoke up.

“Jinxx don’t take it personally you know how protective Ashley is over her. You know he worries too much.”

“Yeah I know, just wish he’d relax a little. She may not be my little sister but I still feel like she is.”

“That goes for all of us.” Jake stated and we all nodded in agreement. “Still makes me wonder why he’s so protective over her. I mean she’s almost twenty she doesn’t need all the over protectiveness.” All of us just shrugged. We never actually asked why Ashley protected her the way he did. We just assumed he had his reasons and never questioned it even if it seemed ridiculous at times.

“Well I think how protective he is over her is cute.” Vanessa chimed in smiling like she had no care in the world. She had managed to break the tension in the room for everyone else, but I just reached for the vodka bottle and finished it off. I didn’t say anything I felt dizzy and couldn’t move even if I wanted to. My vision was starting to become blurry and before I even knew what had happened I had passed out.

Notes