Secrets

No matter how mad I was at Andy I would never get tired of watching him perform. He became a different person when he was on stage. The crowd just gravitated towards him and hung to his every word and I did too. Andy just always gave it his all and his voice sent chills up my spine. I was just so confused at the moment and I had no clue what to do. Part of me wanted to drop everything and run into Andy’s arms, while the other part wanted to kick and scream at him. I was just so angry and hurt, I keep telling myself to just get over it but as much as I want to I can’t. His words had hit me hard; I have never felt so low about myself in years. Like all the therapy I had went through was for nothing, like everything Ashley and the rest of the guys say and do to make me feel loved and special just flew out the window.

For the past week I’ve been thinking about my life with my mother and that was never a good thing. I have been constantly exhausted; besides ignoring Andy I’ve been putting myself headfirst into my work. I’ve been trying to put off sleep as much as possible because of nightmares and I barely get any sleep because of them. I know everyone is starting to notice but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell Ashley about it because I don’t want him to worry about me. I’ve been hanging out with CC a lot because he’s the only one on the bus that knows about Andy and I. He just listens and lets me vent and when I need comfort he’s always there to give me a hug. I wish I could tell him what else has been on my mind, but I promised Ashley that I wouldn’t tell anyone about it. And besides no dating I have never broken a promise to Ashley and I don’t ever plan on it.

I sighed deeply and continue to watch the guys play. I always enjoyed watching my brother on stage too, every time I saw him it was like he belonged up there. And all I can do is smile because he made it. Ashley had been dreaming of the chance to do this for so long and he finally got it, he deserves this.

I felt someone tap my shoulder and I turned around to see Jon, I gave him a small smile and he smiled back. “Hey Jade, Vanessa and Jamie’s plane came in late it just got to the airport, I need you to come with me and pick them up.” Jon asked and I nodded.

“Of course, but who’s going to watch the booth?”

“Matt and one of the roadies offered to hold everything down for us.”

“Okay, just let me go and put on a pair of sneakers and I’ll wait out by the van.”

“Alright.” He said and I rushed off towards the dressing room so I could grab my sneakers. When I entered the dressing room, I quickly put on my black converses and stuffed the rest of my stuff in my bag before grabbing it and heading towards the van. Jon was already inside with the radio playing on a medium volume. I climbed in and put my stuff in the seat behind me before Jon drove off. The ride was silent for the first half and hour and then I yawned and Jon chuckled to himself.

“You know Jade I’m thinking of giving you the next couple of days off.”

“Why?”

“You’ve been really exhausted lately and I can tell you’re stressed. You need to relax for at least two days.”

“Jon I’m fine you don’t have to worry about me.” I tried arguing.

“The bags under your eyes say differently.”

“Fine” I sighed “Do what you think is best.”

“I’ll just have to wait and see if you really need the time off. You need to sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll try to get some sleep. In fact I’ll start now.” I said a yawn escaping my lips. Jon just laughed to himself as I laid my head on the window and tried to go to sleep and before I knew it I was out cold.

“Get up!”Her shrill voice screeched at me. I tried to get up but my hands and legs were shaking as I lied on the kitchen floor. “I said get up!” A swift kick was sent to my stomach and all the air left my lungs as I gasped in pain. “Get the fuck up! And don’t make me tell you again!” She hollered down at me. With all the strength I could muster I lifted myself up slowly as my legs began to wobble but I tried and managed to stand up. My lip trembled and I stared down at the floor. With a loud smack my face flew to the side. “Look at me when I’m talking to you, you little bitch.”

“Yes Mommy.”I whispered looking her directly in the eyes. I observed as her long black hair was spilled out in odd directs, her dark skin shinned under the sunlight drifting into the house. Her eyes were as firm as stone but there was a wild tint that was barely visible but I knew it was there. I tried not to whimper or show that I was in any kind of pain, I knew she was waiting for me to slip.
“Now Jade you know I don’t like hurting you, but sometimes you just make Mommy really angry.”

“I’m sorry Mommy.” She smacked me again the force caused me to stumble.

“You don’t speak until I tell you too, you worthless little bitch.” She growled and I just nodded and still tried to hold her stare. “Now apparently since you are completely fucking worthless you managed to fuck up breakfast. I will not sit around and eat the shit that you made.” She through the food I had cooked onto the floor, the plate it was on shattered all over the tile floor. “Now since I had to go out and buy this and you managed to fuck it up, I will not let it be wasted. You are going to eat it all and then clean up the mess.” The fire in her eyes was unmistakable and I had to try my hardest not to whimper or show fear.

“Now you know what today is and by twelve I expect you and this house to be spotless. You’re brat of a brother is coming to visit you today. I don’t see why the little shit can’t just send you a fucking birthday card like everyone else. Your bastard of a father doesn’t want to see you, so I don’t see why that fucker wants to. And there is nothing special about today, it’s just the seventh year anniversary of the day you ruined my life.” She spat me and I cowered underneath her.
“Now I’m going out to actually get something decent to eat and when I get back you better have all of this shit cleaned up! Is that understood Jade?”

“Jade?”

“Jade?” I jolted awake and turned to Jon who was shaking me lightly. I blinked a couple of times and tried to regulate my breathing. “Jade we’re at the airport now.”

“Huh? What?”

“We’re at the airport.”

“Oh okay.” I said unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the van. I pulled my cardigan tighter to my body and hoped that Jon didn’t notice I was shaking. I knew thoughts of my mother would come back to me if I fell asleep and I’ve been dreading sleep for a while now.

“Now we just have to find them, they already have all of their baggage with them.” He explained to me as we started walking. He just kept talking and I just nodded, my mind was on other things at the moment. I was so lost in thought that I jumped when someone called my name. I looked up and noticed that Jake’s girlfriend Jamie was rushing over to me rolling her bags behind her. I smiled weakly and waved, as down as I felt it was always nice to see Jamie. Besides Sammi she was the only friend I had that was a girl.

She dropped her bags and pulled me into a bone crushing hug, her honey blonde locks brushing into my face. “I missed you bunny how have you been?”

“G-good.”

“Well you seem exhausted, those boys have been working you to the bone I see, well let’s get the hell out of here so you can go to sleep. We have the rest of tour to party it up together.” She said squeezing my shoulder. Her smile was warm and bright and it made me feel a bit better. “Oh Jade I completely forgot to introduce you to me friend Vanessa.” She let go of me and walked over to a girl with bright red hair and I gasped. She was absolutely stunning, this was the girl that the guys were trying to hook Andy up with and I could totally see why. As much as I hated to admit it they would look good together.

“Hi I’m Vanessa, you must be Jade, Jamie has told me a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“N-nice t-to m-meet y-you t-too.” I was stuttering and I didn’t know why. I was overwhelmed with the way she looked down at me with her hazel and green eyes. There was no way that I could compete with her. I sense of dread loomed over me and I couldn’t help but think that she would steal Andy from me.

“Well let’s get going. The guys are dying to finally have you two on tour.” Jon interjected snatching some of Jamie’s bags. I took some of Vanessa’s and the four of us started to head back to the van.

-X-

By the time we got back to the bus I was emotionally drained and tired. The whole ride back was filled with nothing but Vanessa’s voice and how she was excited to see Andy. I wanted to scream and yell at her to stay the fuck away from my man but I couldn’t, so I just sat in the front seat the whole time and stared out the window. Now we were heading back onto the bus. It was already filled with excitement and laughter by the time I entered after everyone else. I didn’t even bother to speak to anyone. I noticed the way that Andy was eyeing up Vanessa and I sighed.

“Hey Jon I’m exhausted I’m going to call it a night.”

“Alright Jade see you in the morning.” I nodded and walked towards my bunk. I noticed CC giving me a worried glance as I walked by but I just went to the back and put on my pajamas. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and washed off my makeup and then crawled into my bunk and shut the curtain. I felt a buzz near my pillow and I looked at my phone. I had a new message from CC.

Are you okay?

I sighed and ignored the text. I wasn’t okay. I know I’m not but what can I possibly do about it? Andy and I are having problems and can’t work it out because we have no time to talk about it alone. I can barely look at him without wanting to burst into tears or scream. I love him so much but he has no clue how bad his words have hurt me. And to top it all off I’m having memories of my life with my mother while I sleep. I had finally been able to keep them at bay, but now it was all coming back. Everything was becoming too overwhelming and before I knew what was happening I had burst into tears and was sobbing into my pillow.

I texted CC and asked him to come to my bunk, I just needed a hug and he was always there to comfort me and not ask questions. I couldn’t go to Ashley, he thought I was doing better; I couldn’t let him see me falling to pieces. A few minutes later my bunk curtain was pulled back slightly and CC popped his head in. When he saw me a deep frown graced his face.

“Oh Jade.” He whispered before crawling into my bunk. Without questioning me he just pulled me into his arms and let me cry into his shirt. He traced soothing circles into my back as I gripped his shirt and tried to calm down.

“Ssh its okay, It’s gonna be okay just let it all out Jade, you need this. I’m not going anywhere; I’ll be here for as long as you need me. Big brother CC isn’t going anywhere.” He whispered while stroking my hair. I tried to laugh at his joke but it came out weird and I just choked a little before I continued to cry.

“I-I just d-don’t k-know what t-to d-do a-anymore.” I hiccupped. CC just wiped the tears from my eyes and shushed me.

“We can deal with that tomorrow, right now you need to go to sleep and forget about everything for a while.” I wanted to argue and tell him that even in my dreams I couldn’t relax but I couldn’t. He rocked me back and forth in his arms for a while and I slowly started to feel my eyes droop. I slowly started to fall asleep and for once my dreams weren’t filled with the screams and abuse of my mother.

Notes