Secrets

I wiped my eyes again as I took out the key to my hotel room. I was dreading going in there to face my brother but I couldn’t put it off it would only make him angrier, I was already in enough trouble as it is don’t want to make it worse. I sighed and started to put my key in the keyhole but before I could the door swung open and Ashley stood in front of me with fury blazing in his eyes. All I could do was hold his stare and wait for him to start yelling and then wait until he finished. But Ashley did the one thing I wasn’t expecting, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me so tightly that it was slightly hard to breathe.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” His voice sounded like it was going to crack and tears started to spill down my eyes as I hugged him back just as tightly. “I was worried sick about you. I instantly thought of the worst, and my mind just went back to that day when-” I winced when I realized what he was about to say but he cut himself off. Ashley didn’t want to open up old wounds just as much as me.

“I’m really sorry, I should have realized you would have freaked out. I shouldn’t have had my phone on silent. I’m sorry.”

“And I’m sorry I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know what that does to you, I was just so furious I wasn’t thinking. I was just so scared and panicky, I almost lost you once Jade, I don’t know what I’d do if I actually lost you.”

“But you didn’t lose me you saved me.” I mumbled into his shirt.

“But I was almost too late, if I hadn’t gotten there in time you-” I covered his mouth with my hand and made him look at me.

“But you didn’t you came at the right moment and got me. All that matters is that you saved me. It was almost nine years ago Ashley, I know it’s hard but we need to accept the past and move on. For our sanity we have to move on.”

“I know and I’m sorry. You’re all grown up now and I know that, but when I look at you sometimes I still see that frighten nine year old. I swore to myself that day that I would do everything in my power to protect you. And I thought the worst today and I felt like I failed you.”

“You could never fail me Ashley. You are the best brother anyone could ever ask for we’ve been through hell but we have people in our lives that care and love us and we need to be able to trust them completely.”

“If you’re asking me to tell them about what happened I can’t do that…not yet at least.” Ashley said stroking my hair.

“I understand, this is something that is hard to talk about. I mean we both still go to therapy for it.” I chuckled lightly trying to lighten the mood. Ashley smirked a little and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“I’m just really glad you’re safe.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t do anything like that again. If it makes you feel any better Andy took very good care of me.”

“I’m sure, now let’s finish packing and get on the bus. I don’t know about you but I am exhausted and need to sleep.”

“Okay.” I said slowly shifting out of Ashley’s embrace before starting to pack my stuff.. I seemed calm but my mind was racing. I have never seen Ashley like this before; I’ve never seen him so worried and scared. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, if only I had picked up the phone I could have saved my brother from the emotional hell I had put him through. I know most of the time when they see my brother fuss over me they think he’s overacting but I know differently. I know why he acts the way he does and if they knew about what happened they’d be worried about me just as much as Ashley.

-X-

It had been a week since the hotel incident and Ashley and I’s relationship seemed to become stronger if that was even possible. I spent most of my time with Ashley and I could tell that it was actually starting to bug Andy but I couldn’t help it. That confession that Ashley had made me realize that sure Ashley seemed fine on the outside but he was a slight emotion wreck. He was always so strong and always there when I needed comfort. But who was there for him? He’s never told anyone about what happened besides our therapist and we don’t see her when we’re on tour. He’s been coping with everything that happened for nine years by himself. He needed comfort and I was the only one that could provide it and I’d be damned if I couldn’t. I know Andy was annoyed with me but my brother needs me.

We were all sitting in the bus doing nothing. The guys were bummed out because the show had gotten canceled due to the venue having problems unknown to us. So now we were all just sitting around bored waiting for the bus to drive off to the next city. Ash and I were watching our favorite movie Fight Club in the back room while the rest of the guys were playing video games in the front. Both of us were saying every line word for word and munching on popcorn. I realized we were out of drinks and I got up to go get some.

“Hey Ash we’re out of drinks, I’m going to get another soda do you want anything?”

“Naw I’m good do you want me to pause the movie?”

“No I’m fine, we’ve seen this so much it doesn’t matter.”

He chuckled “Alright” he said turning back to the movie. I made my way out the room and started walking down the narrow hallway skimming over the bunks as I went. I noticed Andy was still in his typing away on his phone. I knocked on the side of his bunk and he looked up at me for a split second before looking back at his phone.

“Hi Andy.”

“Hey.” He said his voice void of all emotion. I frowned, I know he was annoyed with me but I didn’t think he’d act like this.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m texting Matt right now having a good conversation. I’m about to watch something on my laptop.”

“Oh what are you going to watch?”

“I don’t know yet.” He snapped. I was taken aback by his tone and slightly hurt.

“Oh okay, sorry to bother you, I-I’ll just leave you alone.” I mutter with my head down before I continued on my way to the front of the bus. I didn’t think that Andy would be upset to the point that he didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t understand, I haven’t been ignoring him, I’ve just been spending more time with my brother. I still send him random texts during the day, I still make time for him. It’s not like I’m completely ignoring him, I always make time for Andy. He always gets so upset when I don’t give him my undivided attention and it’s annoying. I decided I wasn’t even going to get upset about it. I said hello to the guys as I entered the front. CC and Jinxx were playing video games and Jake was just watching while eating popcorn.

“Jay!” Jake said patting the seat next to him.

“Jake I only came in to get drinks and then go back to watching movies with Ash.”

“Oh please you’ve seen Fight Club plenty of times; he’ll be so into the movie he won’t even notice you’re missing until the credits are rolling.”

“Oh alright fine.” I laughed to myself before sitting down next to him.

“So…our little Jade you won’t be the only girl on tour soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you remember how my girlfriend Jamie was going to go on tour with us?”

“Oh yeah I remember, how is she by the way?”

“She’s great. Well anyway she and her friend Vanessa are going to be coming on tour with us.”

“Have I ever met Vanessa?”

“I don’t think you have. But you will soon, they start touring with us in two days. The guys and I are hoping that Andy and Vanessa will eventually get together. He just needs someone you know?”

“Yeah I get what you mean.” I mumbled before stealing some of his popcorn. In my head I was screaming but I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t blow our cover.

“Besides I’m sure the three of you will get along.”

“Yeah I’m sure we will.” Well you automatically made me hate Vanessa since you’re trying to hook her up with my boyfriend.

“Oh hey Andy!” Jake said and I turned in my spot to see him walking towards us. He looked at everyone but me and I ignored the pain in my chest and focused on my white floral printed pants.

“Hey guys.” He said not acknowledging me at all. The guys didn’t notice but I did, and bite my lip and continued to look at my pants.

“Hey Andy you remember Jamie’s friend Vanessa right?”

“The redhead?”

“Yeah her you know she’s coming on tour with us right?”

“Oh really?” He asked sitting down on the opposite sofa from us.

“Yeah she and Jamie are coming in two days. Who knows you two might make a connection.” Jake smirked it was obvious what he was hinting at and Andy just shrugged.

“Maybe who knows, she is cute I’ll keep my mind open. I think I’ll give it a shot and get to know her.” Andy mused with a sickly sweet smile across his face. And just like that he had officially crossed the line.

“You know what Jake I think I’m going to go back to Ash and finish watching the movie.” I said standing up, I was trying so hard not to let any tears fall from my eyes and I was willing myself not to look at Andy.

“Awe come on you just sat down and I haven’t hung out with my partner in crime in ages!” Jake whined.

“Hey I thought we were partners in crime!” CC whaled still focusing on the game he was playing with Jinxx.

“CC you know what I meant. We’re missing our third member.”

“Oh yeah, Jadey Poo he’s right you haven’t spent time with us in a while, it makes me sad.” CC said before throwing his hands up and growling. I guess he had just lost the game.

“I’m sorry guys.” I said truthfully, I didn’t mean to neglect my friends I was just so concerned about my big brother that I spent most of my time with him. “I-I didn’t mean to make you all upset with me.” I didn’t notice a tear slide down my eyes until Jake wiped it away.

“Oh Jay don’t cry it’s not that big of a deal.” Jake said getting up and hugging me. I just let them think that I was crying over neglecting them. I couldn’t tell them that I was crying because Andy had purposely stomped on my feelings. I didn’t even bother to argue anymore I just let Jake bring me back to the sofa. I sat with my feet up and leaned my head on Jake’s shoulder. By now Jinxx and CC had abandoned the game they were playing and were watching something on the television that I didn’t recognize.

“Hey Jade what do you want to watch?” Jinxx asked me with a warm smile on his face.

“Trust me if you guys watch what I want to watch you’d be torturing yourselves.” I stated.

“Oh please what could possibly be torture for us?”

“My Little Pony.”

“Jade you’re too old for that.” Jake said laughing.

“One is never too old for the magic of friendship.” I said flicking his nose.

“Ooh are we gonna watch it? I’ll watch it with you Jadey Poo!” CC chimed in excitement the guys just gave him a weird look while I just giggled. “What? I’m an unashamed brony.” They just continued to give him a weird stare while I was to the point of hysterically laughing.

“Fine CC if you really want to watch it then I’ll go get my laptop and you and I can watch it.”

“Sweet!” He said clapping his hands. They were still staring at him but CC just rolled his eyes. “Well Twilight Sparkle doesn’t care what you all think we’re going to watch it anyway.” He got up and grabbed my hand and yanked me up. “Come on Jadey Poo we have seasons one and two to get through.”

“But we watched all of season one already.”

“Well I want to watch it again from the beginning.” He stated “Plus I just want to get you away from Andy.” He whispered loud enough for only me to hear and I went wide eyed from a split second but quickly recovered. I’d ask him what he meant later. CC gave me a knowing look and I kept my head down.

“See you later guys.” I waved at Jake and Jinxx, Andy was looking at me with an expression I couldn’t really read but I just sent a glare his way before I walked off with CC. While walking back towards my bunk Ashley exited the back room and smiled at us.

“Well the movie ended what were you doing?” He asked in a curious way.

“Oh sorry I got sidetracked talking to the guys, then CC wanted to start watching My Little Pony so we were headed back to my bunk to watch a couple of episodes on my laptop.” Ashley just laughed before patting my head.

“Might as well use the back room, I’m going up front with the guys, I’m in need of a drink.”

“Oh so now you’re in need of a drink?” I asked amused and he just shrugged.

“I wasn’t thirsty before.”

“Typical.” I muttered and he laughed before ruffling my hair.

“You two have fun with your ponies.” Ashley chuckled before walking past us to the front.

“Oh we will.” CC called after him, I just laughed and grabbed my dvd set from my bunk and we headed into the back room. CC put the first dvd into the player and then we settled onto the sofa. We started singing along to the theme song as it started and then we got lost in the episode. Half way through the episode CC turned to me with a serious look on his face.

“Besides watching this, this isn’t what I brought you in here for.”

“W-what did you bring me in here for then?”

“To get you away from Andy. I’m probably the only one that noticed that he upset you with what he said. It felt that to me that he personally attacked you when he said he’d give Vanessa a chance when she gets here.”

“I-it’s nothing CC don’t worry about it.” I mumbled he just shook his head.

“Of course I’m going to worry about it. You’re like my little sister, hell Jade you’re like everyone’s little sister and we all hate seeing you upset. So tell me what happened so I can go and kick Andy’s ass.”

“Seriously CC it’s nothing.” I said staring down at my pants again. I could tell he was gazing down at me trying to read my expressions and figure out what was going on. He sighed deeply and I could tell he was running his hands through his hair.

“Jade?” He said gently while squeezing my hand. “Jade …” He hesitated trying to figure out if he wanted to ask what he wanted to or not. “Jade… how long have you and Andy been dating?” He asked and my head shot up, I stared up at CC wide-eyed not sure what I was supposed to say to him. My heart started racing and I could feel a panic attack starting to rise. CC pulled me into his chest and stroked my hair and whispered words in my ear to calm me down.

“Jade it’s okay calm down, I didn’t mean to make you freak out. I won’t tell anyone I swear.”

“H-how d-did y-you k-know?”

“I kind of just noticed after observing the way you two act around it other. I always thought you two had something going on or at least an obvious attraction towards each other. I could just tell that Andy likes you, he makes it so obvious sometimes, and you’re good at hiding it though. Plus it doesn’t help that I saw you two making out in the pool last week.” CC said the last bit with an amused expression on his face.

I cursed under my breath. “I told Andy someone would see us.” I mumbled and CC just laughed before hugging me.

“Aha! So I was right for once.”

“Yes you were right but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

“Of course I won’t I don’t want Andy to die, Ashley would kill him. So… how long have you two been going out?”

“Two years.”

“Seriously? That long!”

“Y-yeah that long.”

“Wow and I just figured it out at the start of tour. Damn I thought this was a recent thing. So anyway what did Andy do to upset you? I may not know what’s going on but I know what he said to you was out of line.” I just sighed and began to explain to him what was going on between Andy and me at the moment. By the time I was finished my makeup was smeared and CC was dabbing at it with a napkin.

“I still make time for him, so I don’t understand why he’s been ignoring me. I would never do that to him. And we talked about what could happen if Andy has to start dating someone so no one gets suspicious. I told him I wouldn’t blame him if anything happened, but I-” I cut myself off.

“What’s wrong Jade?”

“I’m scared. What if he actually starts to like the girl he’s pretending to be with? What if he leaves me for her? Just what he said to me it sounded like he would do that and it really got to me. He doesn’t have any reason to stay with me. He tells me all the time how he wants to be able to go out with me and tell people we are together and we can’t do that. But if he was to start dating someone else he could do whatever he wants. He’d like that way more than having to hide around with me.”

“Andy wouldn’t do that.”

“How do you know? Sure he says he loves me all the time. But that love doesn’t always make someone stay CC.”

“Hey you know you’re right, we don’t know what will happen, but know this I will always be there for you no matter what alright?” He said hugging me and kissing my forehead. I sighed and snuggled more into CC, it was good knowing that I’d have him on my side no matter what. All of the guys besides Andy were like my big brothers but I have always been really close to CC.

“Want to start the episode over? We got so distracted that we never really watched it.” I mumbled as the credits on the episode went by.

“Sure. This is one of my favorite episodes anyway.” CC grabbed the remote and started the episode over and I just got comfy against him. Just as the episode started over my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and groaned because it was from Andy, I was still upset with him and I didn’t want anything to do with him at the moment.

I’m sorry.

Was all the text said and I rolled my eyes.

Fuck you.

I responded back before putting my phone on silent and placing it on the table. I was so pissed off at him at the moment and it was going to take a lot more than a ‘I’m sorry’ text to fix what he said because I know there was a slight truth to his words even if he didn’t know it. He forgets I know him better than himself most of the time and I couldn’t shake the negative feeling I was having. But I chose to ignore it and snuggle up closer to CC and watch the TV. I would deal with Andy later.

Notes