Ashley’s pov

What do I want to do? Have the surgery and miss tour or hope it will heal properly and risk being paralyzed for the rest of my life? Part of me says do the surgery. The other part wants me to do the tour and risk it for the fans. They deserve to see the band they paid for to see to play. Andy looked at me and said, “honestly man, I think you should do the surgery. If it gets just a bit messed up on tour from something we can’t prevent, you’ll be paralyzed forever. I know part of you wants to say screw lets tour, but come on. If your paralyzed how can you go up the stairs and take care of the kids? How will you do all the things you wanted to do with them from a wheel chair? The fans will understand and if we lose some, so what? They weren’t true fans if they leave like that. They’re going to understand.” Jinxx agreed and said, “Andy’s right, Ash. Risking something like this is pretty serious. Sometimes you have to play it safe. This is one of those times.” CC then added, “Jinxx and Andy are right. I wouldn’t feel like a good friend if I allowed you to do this tour risking something so big. What if there is a complication from touring that makes your back worse and then you cant even play bass. You wouldn’t be able to pick Kellin up and hold him, or give Jinxx piggy back rides or teach Andy Dawn how to ride a horse.”

They were right and I knew it. Sighing I said, “okay. If you all don’t want me to do this tour I wont. I honestly don’t want to mess it up more. I love playing for the fans and I don’t ever regret joining this band but sometimes my kids must come first. I missed out on most of Andy Dawn’s life because of the band. I don’t want to be paralyzed because I said screw it and did something so risky. I want to walk all my girls down the isle, not roll or be pushed. I want to teach them all to ride horses and do all the stuff I want to teach them. I guess my decision is made, I’ll do the surgery.” Jake nodded and went to get the doctor to tell him my decision. “What are we going to tell the fans?” I asked. Andy answered, “well, we planned on telling them that you were rushed into the hospital the day before tour started and had to have an emergency surgery because, that’s pretty much what happened.”

I nodded. The feeling in my legs had yet to return and quite frankly, I wasn’t pleased. A few minutes after Jake left, he returned with DR. Vizio. DR. Vizio then explained the procedure and what they would be doing as well as the prep. Once all the legal paperwork was filled out, the nurse came in and changed me. Once I was changed and the rest of the prep done, I said to the guys, “I’ll see you guys in a bit, love you guys.” they smiled and said, “Love you Ash.” The medicine they gave me to put me under began to work, I slowly began to feel drowsy and within minutes I was asleep.

In my dreams I saw Mckendrie. She looked so beautiful. Walking up to me, she smiled and told me, “You’re doing so good with them. Andy Dawn is going to be quite the woman one day. Jinxx is so adorable. Oh how I miss my little ones. Eve is just so cute and Kellin. Oh little Kellin, he’s going to be a heart breaker one day with those beautiful eyes of his.” I smiled and laughed. She was right in so many ways. “I miss you darling.” I said with tears in my eyes. “I miss you too Outlaw. I’m sorry things had to happen the way they did. You’re doing well with them. I couldn’t me more proud. And you’re doing so well. I know its not easy and there’s a few bumps in the road at times, but you can do this. I know you can, I believe in you. I always have and always will. Things in the future wont be as easy as you’d like but I promise that things are going to work out, I promise you. So keep your head high mister, those little ones need their Daddy.”

“Thank you. I’m glad you’re proud of me. It makes things easier in a sense. I know that you approve of me doing my best and I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t be.” She smiled and said, “You have to go soon Outlaw. It’s almost time for you to wake up from your surgery. I love you, always and forever.” I smiled and said, “I love you forever and always.”

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes to see Andy and CC sitting my by hospital bed. They were both asleep. The clock on the wall read 4 am. Well damn, I went into surgery mid afternoon. The thing in my throat wasn’t making it easy to breathe. Groggily pressing the nurse button, I waited as patiently as I could for whoever it was to come and get this dammed tube thing from my throat. I almost fell asleep in the time it took the nurse to come and check in on me. She removed the tube and gave me some water before asking if I was in any pain. When I answered no, she asked if I’d like some more sedatives to sleep. I shrugged and she injected the IV with an injection and within 5 minutes I was asleep again.


^^^

Later on in the morning, I awoke to see Andy sitting in front of me on his phone. “Hey giraffe.” I said. He jumped and said, “You scared the crap out of me. Morning.” “Morning” I answered. “The doctor said the surgery went well, that they fixed what they needed to fix.” I nodded. A nurse came in and checked me over before going to get the doctor to come talk to me about my surgery. A little while later, Dr. Vizio came in and told me about my surgery. Apparently it went well, there were no complications. He did a few tests and I still couldn’t feel my lower back or legs. He said once the initial healing was over and my dosage of painkillers, I’d be able to feel more and that after I started physical therapy again, I’d be able to move and walk again.

Andy and the guys did tell Andy Dawn about my surgery. She was going to come and visit later on in the day. I was supposed to stay in the hospital for at least five days so they could track my healing and make sure I didn’t do anything to mess it up. The guys also told the fans. A lot of them were bummed but they understood that things happen. We are going to miss the first date but Andy Dawn volunteered to play a few shows for me when the guys played a few shows. We already started a list of places we would make sure we would play since we missed playing them on warped. So far we had the first three dates on that list. Andy Dawn said she’d play 5 shows. Jake and CC said that they could go to each of the first three shows to meet fans and hang out with as many people as they could since we wouldn’t be playing. They had to leave shortly to get on the bus to drive to the first show before I woke up this morning so I missed them but that’s okay, I’ll see them soon.


Andy looked less like Hell like he had been looking in the past few days. I will admit he scared me real bad when he first broke up with Juliet. I thought it was going to destroy him completely. He’s doing better than he first was doing, or he looks like he’s doing better.The bags under his eyes aren’t as dark and he is still too thin for my liking but that can be worked on. I, I on the other hand probably look terrible. I’m glad I don’t have a mirror because I know I wouldn’t be happy with what I look like. My hair feels gross and I can only imagine what it looks like. Oh how I can’t wait to take a shower. Oh how I can’t wait to get out of this stupid hospital. Oh how I can’t wait to walk again. I’m seriously sick and tired of the hospital. I don’t want to have to come back here any time soon. Looking over at Andy, I saw that he was starring at the wall, but also lost I his mind.

Gently throwing a pillow at him, I brought him out of his daze and said, “Help me move over and then sit with me please.” he nodded and then I closed my eyes as he moved my legs over, I didn’t want to see them move if I couldn’t feel them for it was to weird for me.I opened my eyes and he helped me move over a bit so he could sit next to me. He then carefully put his head on my shoulder and began to cry. He said in between sobs, “they said…it would…get easier…but its not…” “Oh Andy, it takes time. I’m sorry kiddo. I wish I could take away your heartache. I know it hurts and you just want it to end but it’s going to get better.” “I just want to be okay again.”

My heart broke even more. This kid has been through and seen a lot but still gets the short end of the stick at times. He’s human just like the rest of us, yet he has been hurt more than most. All that hurts explains why he is the way he is. How can someone not be affected by the physical and emotional pain they’ve gone through. The pain he was in was visible in a sense, he was a skeleton with how much he probably hasn’t eaten and how much he’s cried. “Andy, when was the last time you ate, and I mean really ate?” he didn’t look up from his head buried in my shoulder as he answered, “Probably since this all went down. I’m not hungry no matter how much I try to eat. I just have no appetite. I want to sleep all day and just not feel this bad anymore.”

“Andy, you know what not eating does to you. I was a skeleton. Hell, if I hadn’t started eating I probably would’ve died. It’s been three months; you need to eat just a bit more. You’re getting skinnier and skinnier. I’m pretty sure Andy Dawn could carry you. Remember she’s recovering too. Seeing you skip meals and losing weight like she did could set her off. We need to be careful since we’re all in recovery right now. You’re my oldest, I want what’s best for you and I want you to be healthy and Happy. I’m not saying lets go out and eat a 7 course meal this instant but I’m saying, drink some water, have an apple and lets start there. Do you think seeing a therapist again will help you?”

“I don’t want to but it could help, I’d rather talk to you and the guys but I’m scared.” He said softly. “You know we’d never ever judge you. No matter what you felt, we will do our best to understand and support you. We care about you and seeing you break like this hurts. Its okay to break sometimes but that means now, you just got to rise from the ashes and make a new years day and become even better than before and even stronger.” I said.

He smiled at the song reference and said, “That was a good one. I mean there’s no point in not trying. I want to but I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel happy again. I want it all to go away and be me again.” “You can be you at any time. You can’t let all the things you feel and the things the voices in your head tell you win. Their lying, not me. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have brought this up, I’d let you continue to self-destruct. But I do care, that’s why I brought it up. You are amazing and everything I could ever want as a older son. I’d be proud if Kellin had you as a role model for an older brother as well as the others. You have taught me so much and can teach them so much.”

He smiled and said, “Thanks dad.” I smiled and hugged him as well as I could. I knew his road to recovery would be bumpy, but I know it will be worth it, only if he saw that too.

Notes

yo yo yo. don't kill me. I know its been a month. been busy. I went to camp, came home with a 101.8 fever thank you small children for getting me sick. let's see what else, oh yeah I have like 10 years worth of late work for school still. cant seem to get out of my funk that I'm in and it sucks donkey butt. i'm sleep deprived and not hungry very much anymore and when I do eat, you bet your ass that its crap and that I wish it wasn't stupid junk food and that I wish I hadn't had ate it In the first place. OMG my school serves us food worse than dog food. my friend found a hair in his food the other day. it was nasty.

so if y'all could review or subscribe or something to let me know that you're still there (unlike the guy I liked who left me without a word, what a friend. said he'd never do that but Y'know who sticks to their word anymore, its not like I have feelings or anything) and still like this story. I work hard on it. I love you (:

stay strong, we'll brave this strom together,

anywhore, its been great <3 Ashes