Ashley’s POV


I’m defiantly glad I decided to come on tour for the last few shows. The guys, Andy Dawn and me have had so much fun it’s unbelievable. I’ve also realized how much I missed them while they were away. Thankfully, Andy knew that I was sleeping in LA’s bunk so he came and helped me get out this morning. My back is still really sore even though it’s healing so it hurts a lot sometimes and sometimes it. What is really shocking is that my wig hasn’t fallen off even though I’ve slept with it on and everything. My hair isn’t growing back yet but it shows signs of doing it soon, which is good.Right now, I’m sitting at the table eating breakfast, which is fruit and some cereal. After I finish, Andy was volunteered (by CC) to help me put on some clothes for the show later today. Yeah it’s like 11 in the morning. Andy Dawn is still asleep which is shocking but the guys said that they’ve made her wake up early for a while now and they’ve not gone to bed at the best of hours but hey, its tour life.

Andy helped me into a pair of black jeans and a random band shirt with a flannel plaid shirt over it. He also put my boots on since I couldn’t really bend down to my feet without my back having spasms. I haven’t had any issues before like this until now. The spasms come and go and they are intense. They take a lot out of me each time. The guys will sit next to me and play with my hair and try to help me not feel the pain. Their doing a good job but the pain is too much. I slowly reached for a bottle of whiskey and took a huge gulp before they could stop me. Jinxx took it from me and wandered away from me with it. Andy slapped my hands and said, “you could have issues if you drink with your medicine. Have you taken all your pills yet?” I nodded no and he went to get my Anxiety pills and my depression pills, I took my painkillers earlier. Handing me a glass of water, I took the pills and then waited for the spasm to pass. Once it did, I was able to move a little bit more. I managed to stand and walk three feet. All the guys wandered off for a moment, CC to check on Andy Dawn, Jake to make sure Jinxx got rid of all the whiskey I could reach and Andy to make sure I took all my pills. Suddenly a spasm that was stronger than all the ones before hit me and my face was instantly met with the floor. It
Hurt so bad all I could do was whimper.

I was probably only on the floor for two minutes but it felt like a lifetime. CC was by my side moments later after seeing me. I could barely say a thing; I couldn’t even say help above a whisper. He must’ve figured out that it was my back moments after he called for the guys. Jake, Andy and CC carefully managed to get me onto my back with only making the pain a little more instead of a lot more. Once I was on my back, they managed to lift me up to the couch and not cause me too much pain. The spasm last a long time, like thirty minutes, the entire time I sat there in agony hoping it would pass soon. Andy sat on the floor next to me and was trying to keep me distracted from the pain, which was helpful, but not taking the pain away. I thought about it less however. Andy Dawn entered the room, how she slept through all of our commotion, I don’t know but she was asking Andy questions since I could barely speak. He answered them to the best of his ability, which wasn’t much.

Finally after what feels like forever, the spasm began to calm down and fade away over time. When it finally faded, I was able to talk and explain what happened. “So basically I stood up and when I stood up, I fell face first and had a muscle spasm that lasted a long time. I’ve never had one last that long or be that intense. It was awful.” I explained. Jinxx rubbed my back and said, “I called Sammi who got on the phone with the doctor right away and asked some questions. He said that if the spasms get worse and or last any longer then 15 minutes, you need to go to the doctors to get checked out. He also said that rubbing the muscle after a spasm might help it feel better. And if you keep getting them often then you need to take some ibuprofen to take away some of the edge.”

I nodded and took the pill CC handed me with a glass of water. Making a joke I said, “maybe I should watch what you’re giving me in case Andy Dawn really does want my place in the band. Wouldn’t be to hard to get rid of me now would it?” I said with a smile. CC laughed and said, “Damn how did you figure that out. Andy Dawn, go get that whiskey now.” I cut him off and said, “oh daughter, you better not be touching that bottle let alone drinking it understand me? I don’t care what these fools do, you will not drink any until you are 21 or at least 18, understand me?” she nodded and said, “CC, it would be faster if we gave him more pills.” Everyone laughed at her when she pretended to get more pills.

We hung around the bus for a bit longer until it was time to go to the interview. It was decided that because of my spasms, I would be in my wheel chair. Andy said that my wheel chair wasn’t “Ashley- enough” so he and the guys drew on it with sharpies. Jinxx drew hello kitty with my war paint, Jake wrote: ‘deviant’, I wrote ‘Fuck Cancer’ on the edge, LA wrote, ‘Black Veil Bride For Life’, Andy wrote ‘Fallen Angels’ underneath Deviant and CC drew a small penis in a spot that wasn’t noticeable unless you looked for it. When we finished we posted a picture of it on twitter and then put the sharpies away before we got a sharpie high.

Jake took the wheel chair outside of the bus while Jinxx and Andy supported me up, god knows what Andy Dawn and CC were doing. Once we got off the bus and I was back in my wheel chair, Andy Dawn sat on me as Andy pushed us really fast. It was a little bit scary but I had a seat belt so I was okay with it. Poor Andy dawn was hanging onto me for dear life. Once we were inside the arena, we wandered around to where the interview would be with a few minutes to spare. All of us touched up our make up before the interviewer sat down with us. The interview would be from AP magazine and would publish the interview on the website as well as an article in next month’s issue. I knew they would ask me about my absence and about everything else that has occurred in the last 6 or so months.

Hopefully the guys would get asked questions so it would seem like an interview with the entire band and not one member which is sometimes kind of annoying. Its like you do realize there are more members, right? Anyways, the interviewer came in and sat down and introduced themselves before setting up and having Microphones set up.

“Hello and welcome to this months Interview with Black Veil Brides. We have all five members and the 6th temporarily member here with us today.”

“Hi I’m Andy.”

“Hey I’m CC.”

“I’m Jake.”

“I’m Jinxx.”

“I’m Ashley.”

“And I’m Andy Dawn or Ashley’s daughter well both to be exact.”

Andy looked at her and said, “Really, your intro just had to be longer.” She rolled her eyes and said, “shut up Andy or should I say NOT batmandy.” He pouted and said, “your mean. Ash, she’s mean.” We all laughed and hit including the interviewer and I said, “What do you want me to do about it? She’s your sister?” he answered back, “Well she’s your daughter.” I quickly said, “Andy be nice to your sister, Andy Dawn, be nice to your brother. Damn how did I get two kids with the first name of Andy.”

The interviewer looked to us to see if we were ready and then asked, “so we have many questions that are being asked. 1) Who is Andy Dawn 2) what happened in December 3) why did you decide to take such a long leave of absence from the band 4) will you be returning 5) can we expect any new songs or album out soon? 6) What is the Andy-Andy child thing? Some people are confused.”


I said, “Well, Andy can answer the kid question.” He nodded and explained, “so one morning Andy said that I was like her big brother and then ran up to Ash and said that I was now her brother and that I was his son whether he liked it or not. So Ash took me in as his kid and I actually re-entered high school to get my diploma and I’ve been doing really well. I have good grades even with us being on tour and so does Andy Dawn. It’s pretty awesome. Ash actually has rules in the house and he follows them as well as I do and I have a room at his house, which is on the top floor. Juliet is allowed to stay with me as long as there is no funny business, which I don’t mind. It’s pretty fun. Sometimes I call Ash dad cause he’s like my other dad.”

We all smiled at the memories we remembered in Andy’s answer and moved onto the next question. Which I answered, “Andy Dawn is my eldest daughter. She is one of, how many?”LA answered, “ 4 but counting batman over there, 5.” I nodded and said, “ She is smart and like a mini version of me and her mom. Its really cool.”

The interviewer asked, “Do they all have the same mom?”

“Apart from batman over there, yes. The same women I actually dated in high school is their mother. The one woman I truly loved more than anything. She died and then I got custody of all of them. I actually didn’t know about them until I got a phone call and then got on a plane to meet them. I’m glad I have them in my life, they make it so much better.”

Everyone smiled and Andy Dawn punched my shoulder. The next question we answered was if I would be returning to the band and why I was absent.

Taking a deep breath I said, “I will be returning to the band once I am fully recovered from my accident. I also have another thing I have to explain which also goes with what happened in December.”

The interviewer nodded and the guys all rubbed my shoulder, leg and arm as support while I began to say, “alright the story starts in December. I was in a car accident, which was really bad. My car tumbled down a mountain and was completely ruined nothing was savable. Shame to because it was a new car and it was a nice color and had a cool interior. Anyways, back to the story, I died in the ambulance but was revived and I died a few other times and was revived. It was scary but also not what I thought it would be. I saw Mckendrie, the woman who was once my Fiancée years ago, yeah that’s right I was almost married. Yeah I never mentioned that. The guys didn’t know until recently, anyways, she spoke to me. She told me all the reasons why I needed to stay. It was hard to decide. I ended up deciding to live again (obviously since I’m sitting here) and had to say good-bye to her for good.”


I took a moment for all of that to be processed and then continued on saying, “so after the accident, I was in a coma for awhile. Once I woke up, I faced several challenges. One was being able to walk again, many broken bones and some other struggles I’ll talk about later. If my back didn’t heal properly, I could have been paralyzed for life, and if my fingers and everything else didn’t heal I might not have been able to play Bass. Not being able to play for so long was a little bit of a crap thing but I put up with it. So about a month and a half ago, I had back pain. It took a long time for my back to heal and due to difficulty of me being stuck in a wheel chair to limit my movement for my back to heal properly I was unable to tour. I went into the doctors because I was having lots of back pain. They did an X-ray and they, they found some tumors.”

I stopped for a moment and wiped away the tears that were forming in my eyes. Continuing on I said, “they ran tests and it turns out it was cancerous. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I went through all the rounds of Chemo alone and my hair did eventually fall out. I have a wig until it grows back because I couldn’t deal with seeing what I looked like with out my hair. When it all first began to fall out, I had to cut it short immediately. Because of some reasons I’ll talk about later. It was odd to see my hair so short but it was kind of cool. I had a Mohawk for a while. Anyways, I went through the last round of Chemo and all of the Cancer cells were gone. So at the moment, I’m in remission.”

Wiping another tear away I said, “there were several reasons of why I was also gone for so long. So I have another confession.” All of the guys gave me a quick hug and Andy Dawn held my hand while Andy rubbed my shoulder and comforted me.

“I’ve always had anxiety. Andy knew about it from the starting days of the band. There were times when we first started out that I would have attacks so bad I literally could not function or move. Over the years of being in the band, they got better and I didn’t have many unless I was triggered and that didn’t happen to often since I avoided my triggers or had Andy to help me calm down, again the guys didn’t know for the longest time until I told them. I’ve also always had depression. Some days it didn’t bother me too much and others, it took its toll on me. Because of the depression, I turned to self-harm at a young age. I was clean of it for I believe 7 years until recently.”

Taking a deep breath I continued saying, “ I relapsed due to several things I’d rather not talk about just yet. Anyways, it got really bad and the guys found out and I continued to do it and hide it from them. When they found out again, they then made sure I wasn’t going to relapse and they’ve been by my side since. There is also another confession. Damn I’m just full of them right now.” I said with a small smile and a slight laugh. The guys smiled and gave me a nod and said, “You can do it.”

I nodded and said, “I believe this is the last confession. Anyways, this one is something I’ve dealt with for a very long time. It comes and it goes time to time and takes a major toll on me. Because of my anxiety, I wouldn’t be hungry sometimes and because I had attacks so often, I didn’t get hungry. I began to skip meals. At first it was just lunch and then it was dinner and then breakfast. And then it went from one day to three days to a week and then longer. I would literally eat just enough to not pass out for another week. I went from I think 150 lbs to about 105 I think. I’d rather not think about it. I was literally skin and bone and that was it. I had to keep buying smaller clothes so the guys wouldn’t notice how big they were on me. Part of me just wanted to be skinny so I could feel better and the other half honestly just wasn’t hungry.”

I took a moment and Andy patted me on the back and I continued, “Jake was one of the first people to figure out what was going on. I would eat dinner and go to the bathroom afterwards. He would stop me and make me wait 2 hours to go or he would go with me and stand outside the door. I now thank him for his persistence. Him making me eat probably helped me a lot more than I’d like to admit. After the accident, I was sent to a therapy group where they could help me recover. I still struggle and I have my days were I want to through everything I’ve accomplished away but I don’t. I know that when I want to give in, I have these 5 losers to help me through it all.” I said with a smile.

The interviewer was shocked and all they could say was, “I was not expecting that as an answer at all. Thank you for sharing that. You’re an inspiration to all those who struggle with what you have struggled with. You show that they can in fact make it. How about we lighten the mood a bit and talk about future albums.

Andy Dawn smiled and said, “ Well sir Batman and I will do a cover of Savior and Morticians Daughter together hopefully. I’m really looking forward to it. These baboons are working on some stuff at the moment but we’re not telling just yet. Its going to be awesome is all I have to say!” she smiled and dorkily waved at the camera.

Jinxx said, “It’s going to be great! There will be a lot of Violin parts and piano parts and just overall more awesomeness then before and I can’t wait for it to be released so we can play it. It’s going to be fun!”

CC was now bouncing his feet on the floor and wiggling in his seat. He said, “Oh you should have seen what we did to Andy the other day. We took his suitcase and hid it and left him clothes that were pink. So he had pink jeans, 50 shades of gray shirt, jacket and shoes. It was classic. Oh wait he had a 50 shades of gray shirt. It was wicked!” we all than cracked up and sat there laughing for a few minutes, even the interviewer.

Jake said, “you have to admit, CC and Little Andy come up with some of the best pranks. If not her and CC then her and Andy and if not him, her and the guys from the Relapse symphony. She came up with the idea of leaving them at McDonalds once because we were bored. It was awesome! We took their phones and everything. Of course we went back for them it was awesome! Actually I stayed behind and hid in the rest stop and videotaped them from a phone and texted the guys what was going on. This tour has had some of the best pranks, memories and funny moments that we’ve had in a long while. But nothing tops walking into a hotel room and seeing Ash sitting there like it’s about time you showed up, peasants. It was awesome and Andy Dawn had the brightest smile on her face. She definitely missed her dad and we missed him too. Shh. Don’t tell him that.”

I grabbed at my chest and said, “aww. I missed you to jakey.” He flipped me off and the interviewer asked, ‘how is raising 4 well 5 kids on your own been?”

“Good question. I’d say its going okay. We’ve had some small things go on but life goes on. I make the guys help me out whether they like it or not. Haha yeah. But they’re wonderful with little Eve and Jinxx. I’d be hopeless without them. They’re so helpful and it’s awesome. I owe them a lot. Thanks guys. I’m forever grateful.” The guys all smiled and hugged me. I pushed them off jokingly and said, “ Thanks for making me feel manly. Excuse me while I go puke rainbows and punch a squirrel to feel manly.” Andy Dawn dramatically said, “no not the squirrels. Their my one true love in life.” I petted her head and said, “okay child. I wont. Besides, I’d never ever hurt an animal or person.”

We talked a little more and wrapped up the interview before wandering around the arena for the rest of the time before the meet and great. To say I was nervous was an understatement. It would be the first time I faced a large number of fans in over almost 3 months. Andy had to help me put on my war paint because my hands were shaking so badly. He also helped me make sure my wig was on good because I had yet to tell the fans anything because the interview would not be posted online until a few days later. Jinxx got me my bass (it’s been with their stuff for quite a while now, I actually don’t know why it was on tour while I wasn’t.) and I began to practice. The more I practiced, the less nervous I was. I played anything from our songs to green day to pretty much anything I knew the notes to. Andy dawn heard me play part of a green day song and ran to get a guitar and demanded I play the song again. Starting it again, she sang with me and we acted silly. Joking around and being fools made the anxiety go away, at least for the moment. Andy walked into the room and said, “alright guys, its time for the meet and great. Let’s do this!”

Notes

hey guys. i know its been awhile again. school is kicking my butt again. lots of stuff happened. I probably failed a performance in drama. no one would make eye contact with me or anything afterwards. way to make me feel welcome guys. I know it wasn't my best and it sure as hell wasn't something that was total crap too. I put so much into the practice but I fell short during the performance I guess. the teacher told me to do it again and I guess I did better the second time.

when I thought about it, she gave me a second chance and NO ONE ever has done that for me. ever. it made me cry a little bit. and the fact that only really one person talked to me afterwards hurt to. I saw pierce the veil a few days ago at House party. it was amazing! I got stepped on my the crowd and I almost broke my leg because my leg went one way and the crow pushed me another. I have a massive bruise but idgaf. it was amazing. tony was literally in front of me almost the entire time. he was amazing! Vic was awesome and Mike and Jaime were perfect! a day to remember was perfect. literally it had every thing that made it good in it. my friends touched the hamster ball Jeremy ran in across the crowd. they both fan boyed. it was awesome. it was all they could talk about today.

i'm sorry its been awhile. I've had so much homework that is demanding and its irritating. doesn't help that the weekend comes and really the only person who ever talks to me is my neighbor who happens to now be my best friend but its weird. he like ignores me unless were at school or he's at my house. its odd. and all the people in my Drama class who 'care' never ever talk to me outside of class. its odd. omg im ranting to you guys. i'm sorry. I need to let all of this stuff out.

I feel like you guys don't like this story anymore. barely anyone comments and its kinda sad. it makes me feel like the one thing I take pride in is not living up to what I once made it. before, the story got like 5 comments a update and now its a rare 2. let alone 1. if I fail the one thing I want to succeed it and possibly pursue one day, what's that mean now? I pretty much failed the one thing I wanted to go to college for and really, no one gave a damn. I bet they all thought I just didn't practice enough or didn't care. but I did care. I struggled so damn hard to learn the lines, push away the feelings the script brought up and do my best. it talked about finding out a friend was a serial killer and the friend was the one person who ever gave a damn. kind of relates to my life except my friend isn't a serial killer but an ass hat.

please, just tell me if this is turning into utter crap. maybe its not too late to save it. I don't know anymore. maybe its time to let this die and just end it somewhere soon. probably wont get to the OCs I asked you guys to submit. I don't know anymore. its all getting to the point of I don't care. I worked hard on this and it feels like its falling apart between my finger tips. sigh. review or whatever. its not like your going to.

we are the fallen angels so let's set the world on fire.