Ash’s POV


I’ve had several chemo sessions in the last week. Sammi has been taking care of the kiddos while I’ve been here. I was extremely happy that the nurse had called about the wig when she did, my hair has been slowly falling out. Every morning, more and more is gone. The only bright side of being here in the hospital is that I can’t hurt myself because a nurse is always checking on me. The chemo is horrible. I’m losing weight again and it burns so much. If I didn’t have my kids to live for, I wouldn’t have done this. I completely understand why Mckendrie didn’t get treatment even though I wish she did. Since the day of the accident, I have slowly started to accept her death. I think before, I didn’t want to believe it, that she was out shopping and would be back later but she wont be. I’ve come to accept that, I miss her terribly but I’m slowly letting go. It’s defiantly hard but its what I need to do.

Coming into the room the nurse said, “The wig that was ordered is here.” I thanked her and she went to get the package. Bringing it back, she helped me put it on. Sadly, it didn’t have a styling but it was something and that’s what important. Once it was fitted, I pulled it all into a pony tail so you couldn’t tell it wasn’t styled. Have I failed to mention that Sammi Doll was coming by to visit me while the kiddos were at school? Oh and that I go home tomorrow. Yay! I look the same other than the fact that I do look a bit paler but I can blame that on the lighting. She was going to be here within the next half hour so I was glad my wig was on. I don’t want to tell her yet because I know she will tell the guys and then it’ll be a mess. The last dose of chemo I’m going to get for a month is tonight. The doctor believes that I’ve gone into remission after this next dose to make sure it’s all gone for good. I’ll get tested in a few weeks to check the progress and then I’ll be okay.

Somehow, I’ve managed to get the cast on my leg taken off. It’s healed all the way now. My ribs are almost healed, it’s almost February so they’re about healed. It’s been almost 9 weeks. Somehow, I can’t believe time has gone by so fast. I defiantly miss the guys and I defiantly miss tour but I wont be able to join them for another few weeks because of my back. The surgery went well and the bones are now healing properly and I’m not in as much pain as before. I’m still sore but I’m doing a lot better. I defiantly can’t wait to see Andy Dawn. After much pleading and begging, I found someone to record each performance and sent it to me. Andy Dawn is amazing. They have another break coming up. I really want to surprise everyone so I haven’t told anyone other than Jinxx. They’ll be in Florida I think or somewhere on the east coast.


Flipping through the channels on the TV a knock came at the door. “Come in.” I called out. Sammi walked through the door smiling. “Hey Ash.” She called out. “Hey Sammi.”

“How you doing?”
“I’m doing okay. Been better. I’m ready to leave now.”

“I bet. You’re going home tomorrow right?”

“Yes I am.”

“ I’m taking you home right?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Does the doctor want you to stay with someone?”

“He didn’t mention that. Good question.” The nurse happened to walk in and say, “are you ready for the next IV?” great. She’s doing this now. Fuck. “Can we do it in a bit? I don’t like how it feels.” She laughed and said, “sure. But remember it takes a long time to go through the IV. We have to give it to you at some point.” I groaned and she laughed as she walked out.

“What was she going to give you?” Sammi asked.

“She was going to give me something I don’t even know what at this point. They give me so many things I lost track of what is what. I know that one of whatever they give me hurts.”

She nodded and said, “alright. Well, I have to go pick up the kiddos and then make them dinner. I’ll see you tomorrow. 11 is when they’re releasing you, right?”

I nodded and she waved as she left. The nurse returned and said, “she was cute.” I laughed and said, “She’s my best friends wife. Her husband is also my band mate who is on tour. I got left behind and my 14-year-old daughter is filling in for Me.” she laughed and said, “I see. Well Ash, this is going to hurt but it’s the last one for a while so that’s good. Good job on seeing it through completely. I hope I never have to administrate this into you ever again.” I smiled and turned the music on my phone on and got ready for the burning feeling to come.


Four hours later, I was done. Exhaustion and tiredness over took me and I fell asleep. “I’m proud of you Ash. You made it through the chemo. It was hard but you did it. I’m proud. Now its time for you to get all healthy and go back to being the awesome dad you are. I do advise you tell the guys soon. Sooner than later. If you don’t tell them, they might be upset. I love you.” Mckendrie said as she kissed my cheek and then disappeared. Waking up, I felt the place where she kissed me. Looking at the clock, it was 8:57. My stomach felt like someone had a grip on it and squeezed it as they pleased. The nurse came in and saw that I was awake and left to bring me something to eat. When she returned, I ate all that she gave me and managed to keep it down for all of 20 minutes. Impressive. That’s about the longest I’ve been able to keep it down so far.

Thankfully Sammi brought me clothes a few days ago for me to wear while I was here. The nurse helped me up and then led me to the bathroom to change. I put on a band shirt and black skinny jeans. My back was still very sore and it hurt to move a little bit but I was doing a lot better than before because before, I was barely able to move. My hip has bolts in it to keep it together since it was shattered and I now that I had my cast off, I would go to physical therapy and I would have a cane for while. Not bad though. It beats being stuck in a wheel chair. I was happy that Sammi brought me my boots. They were so much easier to put on. The jeans she brought hung lose on my hips but with time, they would fit like how they used too.

The scars on my legs still remained but now they show a story. The story of how I pretty much hit rock bottom and rose from the Ashes. It was like my New Year’s Day. I got the wake up call I needed. I think if I didn’t have the accident, we wouldn’t have found the cancer and I would be in a worse situation later on in the future. So in a way, I’m okay with it happening. I still have my moments of depression but I’m doing better. And my Anxiety is still there but I haven’t had a bad breakdown in a while. I still have small moments but I’m able to recover from them and do better. I do need to tell Sammi about the chemo but I don’t know how. How do you tell someone that you had back surgery to remove a tumor as well as fix your back? Or that you went through a week of chemo to treat the cancer.

You cant just say, ‘hey lets get some coffee, oh by the way I had cancer surgery and chemo therapy while I was in the hospital. Its nothing, where do you want to go?’ it doesn’t work that way. It sucks that I have to tell her; I mean it’s hard to tell someone but you never want to go through it. Sighing, I got ready to go. Time really flies by I guess because Sammi was already here and ready to pick me up. Signing the paperwork, I got the last of my stuff and reluctantly got in the wheel chair to go to the car. The car ride home was silent but it was okay. The doctor said I should stay with someone for the night before I could be on my own so we were on our way to her house.


We went in and hung out for a bit before she made lunch. I knew it would be difficult for me to eat so I ate slowly and as much as I could and hoped it would stay down. Much to my unluck, it didn’t because 15 minutes later, I was limping my way to the bathroom. All that I just ate came up. Fuck. Nothing has stayed down today. I sat against the wall and waited for the nausea to pass. Sammi must’ve heard me because she knocked on the door and then came in. when she saw me I said quickly, “its not what it looks like. I swear.” Of course, another damn wave of nausea hit me and I threw up again. She crossed her arms. When I finally finished, I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out. “I guess I have a lot of explaining to.” I said as I walked back into the living room. She nodded and followed me. I sat down and started talking.


“The story starts from when I went to the doctors for my back pain. They did an X-ray and found something. They did surgery and removed it. I later found out that it was cancerous and that some other cancer cells were found.” I said and waited for her reaction. Her mouth opened but nothing came out.

Continuing on I said, “I went through several rounds of chemo to get rid of it. I went through my last round last night. Ever since I got the first round, I’ve been getting sick and all the side effects.” She hugged me and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how to. I was afraid you would tell Jinxx and he would tell Andy Dawn. I didn’t want her to know that I went through all of that. I didn’t want anyone to see me sick. It hurt them so bad when I was first in the hospital. I didn’t want them to go through that again.”

She hugged me tightly and said, “oh Ash. We wouldn’t have cared. We would have wanted to support you and be there right beside you the entire time.” when she let go of me, I noticed she was crying.

“Don’t cry Sammi. I’m better. The doctor said it should be all gone because it was in the early stages.” She gave me a sad smile. I wiped the tears that were falling down my cheeks. I slowly took my wig off.Tears gathered in her eyes and she then hugged me as she cried. We sat there crying for the rest of the afternoon. Once we had cried it all out, I put my wig back on and we went to go pick the kiddos up. Jinxx was excited to see me. I hugged her so tightly and promised we would do something soon. Eve’s smile widened when she saw me. I held her close and bounced her in my arms. Even Kellin seemed to know that I was here. His eyes shined a little brighter when he was in my arms.


Once we were back at Sammi’s, Jinxx and me shared some goldfish crackers. They stayed down and I was excited for that. We all watched a Disney movie and then ate dinner. Much to my gratefulness, it stayed down. We all played a board game before it was time to go to bed. Taking my Depression, Anxiety, painkillers and sleeping pill, I changed into some of Jinxx’s sleep clothes that I stole and went to bed in the guest room with Jinxx beside me, snuggling into me. Once I was finally calming down, the last thoughts were how I was going to tell the guys and Andy Dawn about what I went through.

Notes

hey guys! so I have several things to say. 1) I tried not to dwell on his cancer because it was only a stone in the road that happens. believe, what's coming next is crazy! 2) I'm going back to school so updates will be come almost every few days if not once a week. sad, so sad. I want to cry. I don't like school. :( 3) I feel like I lost a bit of support from you guys. like I started out REALLY good but then I lost my touch. what do you think?

any ideas on what could happen next? I'm starting to get stuck. boo!
so this might be the last time I talk to you guys for a few days. I'm terribly sorry about it but I cant help it. school is going to be something I really don't want to go through anymore. it seems everyone has someone wither its a best friend or relationship. I feel like I'm alone. I've learned that I cant trust the people I thought I could and its hard. so yeah updates might become less and less but don't lose hope or faith. I'll try not to. believe me, this story has a prequel as well as sequel and we are no where near the end just yet. I think we have a good while before this winds down and the prequel arrives.

oh and please check out my other new story called Fight for our freedom. its new and really good so far! thanks!

stay strong. never give in and never back down. we are the fallen angels so lets set the world on fire. your all beautiful. <3