Sammi Doll’s POV



It’s been two weeks since Ashley and Andrea’s argument. He brought her stuff over and let her stay here after Jinxx told him it would be good for him for a little bit. She hasn’t fought with us at all, in fact hasn’t said much the entire time. Andy comes and gets her every morning and drops her off every night. The guys have all been extremely busy with different things for the band as well as other people. Jinxx for example has been helping another band with composition of a classical music part. CC has been filming with Joe Flanders for his Web show; Andy helps also but has been writing for the new album and doing his schoolwork. Jake has been with Ella, planning their wedding finally. Ashley, who knows what he’s been doing. He hasn’t come around for Andrea yet and the guys said they haven’t gotten to talk to him because there busy and he wont answer them.


Its worrying really, we don’t know how he is doing because he wont talk to us. He left with the 3 little ones that night two weeks ago and hasn’t step foot in this house since then. Hearing the phone ring, I answer it and am met with Ashley’s voice saying he will pick Andy Dawn up if she is willing to leave and that they need to talk. “Alright. I’ll ask her and then call you back.”

Hanging up I went up stairs and knocked on the door before entering. “Andy Dawn, that was your dad calling. He wants to know if you want to come home and talk. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” She thought for a moment and said, “I should probably go. I spent way to long here. You and Mamma Jinxx need your space.” I laughed and said, “its alright kiddo. We’re okay with you being here. We just want to know why your being the way you are to your dad. And also give the two of you a break from arguing and hopefully, things will get better.”


“Yeah. So I guess I should get my stuff ready then.” She answered. Nodding I left to call him back. He answered right away and then said he’d be by in 30 minutes. Cleaning up some dishes in the kitchen I waited for the doorbell to ring. Not long after, Ash showed up on the doorstep ready to take Andy Dawn home. She was nicer to him then before but it was awkward. Texting Jinxx I told him, “Ash picked Andy Dawn up just now.”

He responded a bit later saying, “how did he look?” “Skinny.Too skinny but not as bad as it was a few weeks ago.” he replied, “alright. I’ll be home soon. Love you baby.” I sent back, “I love you more.”

Not long after, I was met by Jinxx in the kitchen as I finished making dinner. Kissing him he smiled and asked how my day was, “it was pretty normal. I think Andy Dawn will be behaving a little bit better. I have no guarantees though. How was your day?” “It was good. I got a lot done with them. They want me to record the violin parts for a few songs and then I’ll be done helping them.”

“That’s good. Then I’ll get to see you more. Oh and we should put up some Christmas lights. Its already December.” I said reminding him.

He smiled and said, “Thanks giving came pretty fast this year. At least Ash and Andy didn’t fight that day, it was still awkward but it was fun.”

“It was a good first thanks giving. Eve took her first steps and you guys finally got through to Ash partially. He’s doing better I hope.”

“I can’t believe it took the four of us to get him cornered long enough to talk about things. Once he finally listened, things were easier.”

“Do you think he’s still cutting?”

“I’d like to say no but he probably still is. He’s coping the only way he knows how. It may not be the best but its what he does. After Christmas, we’re trying to get him to go to therapy and maybe take Andy Dawn with him. They both have issues they need to work out.”

Sighing I hugged him. “I’m afraid he’s going to go to far with either the starving or the cutting.” hugging me back he said, “how did I ever get so lucky to marry such a kind, caring woman?” I coughed and mumbled, “Kiss ass.” He laughed and said, “I can do that.” and winked. After dinner, lets just say it was a good thing Andy Dawn went home.


Ash’s Pov

Driving over to Sammi and Jinxx’s house, I was incredibly nervous. It was the first time since thanks giving I would be seeing Andy Dawn. During the time she was there, she made no effort to contact me or even speak to me. I gave her phone back and even tried calling but she never replied. It broke my heart a little bit but it is what it is. Pulling into the driveway, I pulled my Outlaw hoodie on and then got out. Sammi came to the door and then called for Andy Dawn.

I gave a small smile and waved before she followed me back to the car. I got in the front and expected her to get in the front seat but she got in the back. “So eh, how are you?” I asked nicely. “Cut the crap. What do you want?” she said with annoyance evident in her voice.

“I want to know what happened to the kid I met back in Oregon and brought to LA. She suddenly disappeared.” “She’s long gone. Get used to it man whore.”

“Can you stop with the name calling?”

“It’s the truth.”

“Well if you stopped bringing it up, it would be the past.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” she smirked.

“I don’t want to argue with you alright. I’ll take your name calling if it makes you feel better and you can do it but don’t you dare say anything to Jinxx. If you want to chew someone out, chew me out. She doesn’t deserve it. So if you’re going to do it, do it to me. Got it?”

“Okay. So lets see, most of your clothing line is ugly, can’t believe you’re proud of it at all. I’d be ashamed. Your thighs probably look like a cutting board, and your still fat. No matter how much you starve your self and throw up, you’ll always be a fat ass.”

“Is that all?”

“For the moment, yes.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Oh I feel like rainbows and unicorns.” She replied sarcastically.

“We’re here.”

She got out and then went into the house with her stuff. Her words stung but I wouldn’t let them bother me. Not yet at least. Andy came down stairs to see that we were home and then ran back up to his room. Cooking the kiddos dinner, I made Mac n cheese and chicken nuggets. We all ate and then disappeared to different parts of the house. Jinxx was playing with her dolls in her room. Eve was sleeping in her bed and Kellin was in my arms. Andy and Andy Dawn were playing a game in the game room.

I put Kellin in his bed and then went to the bathroom. Locking the door, I lifted up my shirt. Was I fat like she said I was? Maybe. I didn’t eat dinner so I couldn’t possibly get fatter tonight. Leaving the bathroom, I went to the movie room. Picking a random movie, I turned it on. Halfway through I got bored so I left and went upstairs to check on the three kids. Eve and Kellin were both asleep and Jinxx was still playing with her dolls. Sitting down next to her, I began to play with her. She giggled and smiled when she had to stop what she was doing and explain what each doll went where and to what car, house and other doll. Around bedtime, we cleaned up the dolls and then got ready for bed.

I read her a bedtime story and then a song of her choice before she fell asleep. Kissing her forehead, I got up and turned the light off before slowly closing the door. Checking on Eve, she was still sound asleep. Kellin was asleep when I checked on him. Going to my room, I changed into my pajamas and got under the covers. It was only o’clock but it felt like much later.


Waking up before my alarm clock, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep until it went off. Didn’t work, I just laid there in my thoughts. Looking at my phone, I realized tomorrow would have been Mckendrie’s birthday. Sighing, I got out of bed and forced my self to take a cold shower. When I got out, I looked at my body in the mirror. It was disgusting but also beautiful. Beautiful because I was the one who did this but gross because I looked broken. My eyes lacked the twinkle they once held and looked dead. My hair looked matted and dead, my cheeks were sunken in and my ribs could easily be counted.

Going back to my room, I got dressed in the smallest pair of skinny jeans I had, which was still too big. Putting on a long sleeved black shirt, I then put on my Outlaw hoodie and then my socks and boots. My hoodie looked way to big and my boots were so bulky that they made my legs look even smaller than they actually were. Being this tiny was nice but also a bitch. I was always cold no matter how much I put on. Putting on a little make up, I hid the dark circles under my eyes.

It took a long time to fall asleep and when I was asleep, I would have nightmares and then wake up and stay up all night and not get any sleep. I went downstairs and made breakfast for everyone and then got all the kiddos ready. Since I recently found a day care for Eve and Kellin, I’ve been taking them to get to meet other kids and learn to mingle with kids their age. So while their also away, I’m alone again. The guys all have been busy with their separate projects so I’ve been working on my clothing line.

So far, I’ve designed some new born sized clothes as well as baby and toddler. It’s been a success so far and a lot of people have been ordering it, which is really good. Andy came down and then ate. “Thanks Ash.” He said before paying attention to his phone until Andy dawn came down stairs. She sent me a glare before Andy saw her and knew she was in the room. They hung out for a bit before going to school, he’s been taking her with him so we can avoid a fight before school. Once Jinxx and everyone else was ready, I dropped them all of at their respectable places and thought about what I could do for the day. Remembering the beach CC told me about that was 45 minutes south; I decided to drive there.

45 minutes later I pulled into a parking lot in front of the ocean. Getting out, I locked the car before walking towards the water. Sitting down, I closed my eyes and let my self be at peace. The waves took away all my anxiety and I felt good. I felt like everything that’s happened in the past month and a half never happened. I was at peace finally. Lying on my back, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. Waking up a while later, I checked my phone to see I had about two hours before I had to pick Jinxx up. Getting back in the car, I made the drive back. I made a stop at the courthouse to have Sammi and Jinxx added to the kid’s paper work in case something ever happened to me. I don’t know why but something told me to do it just in case.

Going to pick Jinxx up, I thought about how Kellin and Eve could stay with the day care center for a bit longer so me and her can have some time together. Once I picked her up, I decided to take her to build a bear at the mall. The entire time we were there, she had a smile a mile wide. Once we were done, we got ice cream before going to pick Eve and Kellin up. After we had them, we went home. We were home for a little bit before Andy and Andy Dawn came home. It was before dinner when Andy got a call and then said he had to go take care of Juliet since she was sick. Andy Dawn ignored me for the rest of the night and acted like I didn’t exist.

Putting Eve and Kellin to bed, I picked Jinxx up and said, “I want to show you something.” she hugged me as I carried her outside. Carrying her took a lot out of me but I didn’t let her see that. “Do you see that star?” I asked as I pointed to the one that was the brightest. She nodded. And I continued on saying, “ they say that when you lose someone you love, they become a star. Well that star is mommy I think. Its pretty and its bright. Do you think so too?”

She nodded and said; “mommy said that once to me in a dream. She said she was that star and she would always protect Me.” my heart broke a bit. “Well, aren’t the stars pretty?” she smiled and nodded. She held onto me and yawned. Putting her head down, she drifted to sleep in my arms. Carrying her back in side, I put her in her bed before going to bed my self. I was in bed for only seconds before drifting asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.




Waking up to the noise of my alarm clock, I silenced it. Getting out of bed and getting dressed, I went down stairs to get breakfast ready for the little ones. Once it was made and the three little ones were ready for the day and watching cartoons, I went to make sure Andy Dawn was up. She threw a pillow at me as hard as she could the moment I opened the door. It hit me and I actually stumbled into the wall a bit. As I walked away I yelled, “be ready for school. I’m taking you this morning.” I then went to my room to put another shirt on because I was cold. I had a long sleeved shirt with a band shirt over it and then my hoodie.

When I went down stairs, I tripped on a step and almost fell but I caught my self at the last moment. Going into the kitchen I deiced I should probably eat something. I chose an apple and then at it slowly. Andy Dawn came down stairs and then went to the car a few minutes before we had to leave. Getting the other three little ones into the car, I dropped Andy Dawn first and told her, “have a good day. I love you.” she flipped me off and then walked away. I then dropped Jinxx off at preschool and gave her a kiss and wished her a good day before dropping Eve and Kellin off at day care.

Going home, I made it to the kitchen before falling down. Reaching for the garbage can, I threw up everything I ate this morning. When I finally stopped dry heaving, I crawled my way to the music room. I turned my Iphone play list on and then the speakers up really loud. I screamed and trashed the room. Things were thrown everywhere and anywhere. The music didn’t make me feel better. It couldn’t save me from my depression. I’m literally hanging by a thread. Turning the music off, I tried to walk to the kitchen but fell several times on the way there.

When I was finally there, I looked for my anti-depression pills. Opening the bottle, there were only two left. Shit! Thank god the guys haven’t came around in a while because their busy! It would look really bad to see me on the floor clutching an empty bottle of pills. I’ve been without the guys for two weeks now. Damn it Ash! You used to be so independent and now you’re clinging to them like fucking little shadow. Do you know what happens to shadows? They die because someone else wants to feel alive. Break down after break down, this has happened everyday for the past 14 days. Hell its happened 17 times already and this is the 18th and its not even 9 am yet. I’m literally a walking skeleton now and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I want to eat, I can’t eat or it wont stay down and then there’s times where I don’t eat because I don’t want to eat.


The guys haven’t been around to help me. The person on twitter was right the guys don’t care anymore; maybe they never cared to begin with. They should start looking for a bass player soon because this one is a fucked up mess. I can barley function on my own anymore. I cant fucking eat or go an hour without an anxiety attack. Throwing the empty bottle at the wall, it made a loud noise as it fell to the floor after the impact. I feel bad because the guys are always watching after my kids or me because I’m a fucked up mess. They don’t deserve to put up with someone who is such a mess. The kids deserve someone who can take care of them and love them better than I ever could. Maybe that’s why the little thought in my head said put Sammi and Jinxx as their godparents. Because when I finally die, they have someone to take care of them and raise them better than I ever could.

Getting up, I cleaned up the mess in the music room slowly and then drank some water and ate a small chunk of bread. The water and bread came up minutes later. Nothing would stay down. I cried for hours on the kitchen floor until it was time for me to pick everyone up. I started earlier than normal and had Eve and Kellin by the time it was time for Andy Dawn to get out of school. I’d be picking her up since Andy was going to Juliet’s house to take care of her again. She got in and was silent the entire time. I got out of the car and went to get Jinxx.

As we were getting in the car she stopped and asked me, “Daddy, are you okay? Are you sick like mommy was? You’re skinnier than Uncle CC!” giving her a small smile, I kneeled and said, “no sweetie. I’m okay. Uncle CC is just fat, that’s all. Shh. don’t tell him!” she got in her car seat and I walked to my side of the car and got in. I started the car and began to drive.

“Bull shit! That’s a lie and you know it.” Andy Dawn said.

“What did I tell you about that kind of language?”

“ I don’t fucking care. You’re being pathetic. You need to grow up and stop being a shit parent. Dwelling isn’t going to bring mom back so stop crying like a little bitch and grow up and act your fucking age.”

“Do you know what today is?”

“Yes I fucking know. It’s a Wednesday.”

“Its also your mom’s birthday, or well was. All right. So I’m sorry I miss someone. We all cant be stone like you. What happened to the kid I first met?”

“I fucking hate you. I hate you so much! I wish you died instead of her. Maybe then we all wouldn’t be fuck ups like you.”


She hates me. She really hates me. Fuck calling Sammi, I drove there instead of home. Andy Dawn just looked at me. “Get out.” I said. She played stupid. “If you fucking hate me then, just get out. You know what, take them with you. Apparently I’m such a fuck up, then why don’t they raise you. Apparently they must take better care than you. So just go. Just go.”


She got out and then a crying Jinxx followed. I got Eve and Kellin out of their car seats and then rang the doorbell. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Wiping them away, Sammi then answered the door. “Ash, what are you doing here?” “Can you watch them please? I need to go do something. Please.” she nodded and then took everyone inside. As I was trying to leave she said, “Ash, what’s going on? Stay. Don’t go.” shaking my head, I ran out and got in the car and drove away. My body sobbed and ached with every breath I took. The only place I knew I could go without anyone bothering me was the beach and that’s where I went.

Notes

so we get Sammi's Pov!!!

hearing how much you guys hate Andy dawn is amusing! you might hate her a little longer but every thing is going to make much more sense after something happens. stick with me guys, i know its kind of upsetting to read all the shit she's saying. I'm reliving it to. hate doing it to myself but that's how this is so real but then not real.

stay strong guys. lets set the world on fire.

-Ash <3

if it makes you feel better, i want to hit her with a truck too lol but i cant. well i could but i shouldn't. lol