Ashley Purdy’s Point of View

“Let’s talk about other things, things that make you happy.” Jake suggested and I looked at him weird.
“Oh come on Ashley! There has to be something positive in your life!” He urged and I nearly giggled as he threw his hands in the air in fake despair.
“Ok, ok” I laughed. “Music is pretty positive for me.”
Jake beamed at me.
“What bands do you listen to? Do you play an instrument? Can you sing?” He shot one question after another at me and I laughed even more at his enthusiasm. It seemed like the day wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, despite the beating. Jake was actually good company and we seemed to really have opened up to each other. That was actually something I had wanted to prevent, but the damage was done, so I couldn’t go back to ignoring him. I wasn’t a rude or bad person; I just didn’t like other people.
“Slow down there, Jakey!” I chuckled, but burst out laughing again at his expression due to the nickname I just gave him. He seemed slightly taken aback that I apparently trusted him enough to call him Jakey, but eventually a grin broke out on his face, which I returned. Just then I realized that I was still in my bloodstained clothes and I pulled a disgusted face.
“What’s up?” Jake asked worriedly and furrowed his brows. I could only guess that he thought it had something to do with us actually getting along and me not wanting any friends, so my next sentence was something he didn’t really expect.
“I just remembered I’m still in my clothes from this morning. Don’t you think it’s a little bit disgusting that I’m full of my own blood?” I asked and raised an eyebrow.
“Slightly.” he just chuckled. I stood up.
“Well, I’m quickly going to change my clothes and then I’ll answer all your questions, Mr. I’m not nosy at all.” I said in a mocking voice and made my way to my bedroom. Hurrying to get out of my jeans and shirt, I practically tore the clothes from my body and opened my wardrobe. I was greeted by three pair of jeans and a stack of underwear. Damn, my shirts were still on the clothes line. I sighed and put on a pair of ripped dark blue jeans. Leaving my bedroom without a shirt on, I saw how Jake raised his eyebrows.
“No shirts in my wardrobe” I explained with a shrug and went to the bathroom. I pulled some random shirt from the line and put it on, before going back to the living room and sitting down next to Jake again. It was already pretty dark outside; I hadn’t noticed that we had really spent the whole afternoon talking.
“So, Outlaw, huh?” Jake said, interrupting my thoughts. It took me a while to notice that he talked about the tattoo on my stomach.
“Yup, I got it when I moved to my grandparents. I just thought it fits.” I shrugged my shoulders and grinned. Jake nodded.
“Well, if you don’t like Ash as a nickname anymore, I might just call you Outlaw instead” he said and stuck his tongue out at me. I knew that I couldn’t keep him from doing so and I really didn’t mind too much. It sounded badass and anything was better than Ash at the moment. Maybe, one day, when I would have made enough good memories to cover up the bad ones, maybe then I could be Ash again. I smiled a little at that thought.
“Music!” Jake yelled, interrupting my thoughts. He crossed his legs underneath him, in a way he was facing me. I let out a chuckle again.
“Where to start?” I wondered and thought for a moment. “Well, I like bands such as Mötley Crüe, WASP, Kiss… you know, those awesome bands that you can’t get enough of and that are really badass” Jake nodded enthusiastically at my answer.
“So do I! And the other guys, too, by the way. Just saying” he held his hands up in defense, expecting some kind of annoyed comment from me but I just nodded with a smile on my face.
“Well, I play bass and some acoustic guitar” I said and hoped that he wouldn’t say that I should be in their band. “And I sing fairly well.”
“Man, you’d be perfect for our band, which doesn’t have a bassist… or a name… or someone for backing vocals…” Jake explained, waving about with his hands. I sighed.
“No way. Andy told me about your band, I don’t even know why. I nearly thought he stalks me and saw me playing my bass…” I trailed off and laughed a little to lighten the atmosphere.
“Who knows, maybe he does” Jake said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Damn Jakey! I’m already scared shitless of him! Don’t make it worse!” We both started laughing at that and it just felt good.
“Ok, topic music is closed, I guess” Jake nodded and smiled. My stomach growled and I rolled my eyes.
“Well, I guess that was my sign to leave” Jake laughed and was about to get up, but I shook my head. He raised an eyebrow in question.
“Let’s order pizza or something, you must be hungry too.” I suggested and added “I owe you after all you’ve done for me today.”
“Pizza sounds awesome to me, but you really don’t owe me anything.” Jake answered and smiled a little. I nodded, because I knew by now, that there was no use in arguing with him. Like he said earlier today, they were all persistent little fuckers.

I ordered the pizza and as we waited for it to arrive, Jake decided that he wanted to ask some more questions.
“So, what do you want to do after graduation?” I smiled a little, thinking about my plans.
“I wanna make a whole new start in California. I’d love to move to Los Angeles and study something with design or music. I’m not sure about that one yet. That’s the only reason why I make sure that my grades are good.” I explained and Jake nodded with a smile on his face, happy that I had plans.
“What about you?” I asked curiously.
“Well, I’m in a band!” he said matter-of-factly and as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. I chuckled a little.
“You guys don’t even have a band name!” I pointed out, still chuckling. Jake pouted.
“We’ll find one! And we’ll also find a bassist!” he huffed and faked to be sulking. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Well, at least you guys have a dream.” I said and smiled at him. Just then the doorbell rang and I stood up to get our food. I paid the guy in front of my door and made my way back to Jake.
“You know, you should come and listen to us playing sometime” Jake suggested. A sigh escaped my lips and he looked at me with a grin.
“Andy?” he asked and I nodded. He laughed and I couldn’t help but smile, even though I felt somewhat guilty for directly rejecting Andy back then.
“So, what’s your “job” in the band then?” I asked and Jake raised an eyebrow.
“Interested, aren’t you?” he laughed. “I play lead guitar, Jinxx plays rhythm guitar and does some backing vocals, though he’s not much of a singer, that’s what we have Andy for after all. You should really hear him sing sometime, he has an awesome voice. And a very creative mind, he writes our songs.” I nodded and decided that I would think about it.
“I take that CC plays drums then?” I asked, noticing that there was someone missing.
“Yup” Jake said happily. I laughed a little.
“I should have guessed that earlier.” I said with a grin.
“Why?” Jake looked confused.
“I don’t know, he just seems to be so hyperactive and has a lot of energy. I knew a drummer who was the same as him.” I told him. Jake laughed.
“Yeah, Andy and CC are both energetic as fuck. Though Andy really has ADD… They can really annoy you to no end, but they are the best friends one could ask for.”

It was silent for a while, both of us eating our pizzas and being lost in our own thoughts. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, it actually felt good. I was enjoying not having to talk for the first time this afternoon. I was still trying to figure out whether or not I should give Jinxx, Andy and CC a chance to be friends with me. I somehow knew that Jake wouldn’t let me down; it just wasn’t in his nature. Jinxx seemed to have a quite similar character to Jake, though he talked more. We probably would get along. I felt that CC wasn’t too bad either and that he just liked talking to people. Andy was another matter. He still seemed weird to me, like there was more to his intentions than he told me. I just couldn’t believe that he only wanted another friend; his behavior was too…pushy. He annoyed me on purpose, so I would maybe let him in.
Before I could analyze his weird behavior even more, Jake spoke up.
“Did you ever think about… you know… giving up?” Jake asked cautiously. I bit my lip and nodded slightly, trying to figure out what exactly I should tell him. In that very moment I remembered the probably worst two hours of my life.

It’s only two more weeks until this horrible school year is over. The weather is good and it is quite warm outside. I just had my last class of the week and I’m walking through the already empty hallways of my school. Suddenly there’s a pressure on my shoulder and a hand pulls me into an empty classroom. I’m scared shitless already, the last beating was just at lunch break. I turn around and see Corey standing behind me. Fuck. He has an evil grin on his face and I can see in his eyes that he is up to no good.
“Hey honey” he purrs and I immediately feel sick. As much as I loved him back when we were together, I hate him with all my heart now. People say you can only hate those you once loved. It’s true.
“What, don’t you like to be here with me?” he asks somewhat seductively and I immediately know what he wants. Hell no. If there is a Lord above, please save me.
“N-no” I stutter and my eyes widen in terror. His fist connects with my jaw with so much force that my head follows his movement and I wince in pain.
“Baby, if you keep silent it will all be over soon” he laughs. I have the urge to puke. This can’t be happening. I turn around and start to walk away, but he grabs me by my hair and yanks me back.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he growls into my ear and shoves me to the ground.
“I-I just wanna go home” I cry and earn myself a kick in the stomach.
“You’re going nowhere till I’m done.” and with that he rips off both our pants and slams himself into me without further preparation.

“Are you ok, little Outlaw?” Jake asked and put a hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed that I started crying. I shook my head, rested my elbows on my knees and buried my head in my hands. I just kept on shaking my head as if that could make everything that happened disappear.
Jake hugged me close to him and rocked me back and forth until I calmed down some.
“I’m sorry, Ashley, I shouldn’t have asked.” he whispered. I shook my head once more, indicating that it wasn’t his fault.
“I’m here if you are ready to talk about it” he assured me and rubbed my back. I stayed in his embrace for a few more minutes, just trying to recover from my breakdown. Eventually I pulled away and Jake wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Better?” he asked and I nodded. My breathing had calmed down, there were only a few stray tears rolling down my cheek and my body nearly stopped shaking. Jake rested a hand on my back as if to reassure me that he wouldn’t let me down.
“Jakey?” I asked quietly and looked at him.
“Hm?”
“Can I tell you now?” I studied his expression. His eyes showed compassion and sympathy and that soothed me. He nodded.
“Sure, if you want to.” with that he took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. I swallowed. Maybe he would hate me after finding this out? But then again, he didn’t leave when he found about my family, friends and the bullying. Rape was a whole different matter, though.
I must have zoned out in my worry, because Jake gave my hand another encouraging squeeze. I looked up and saw him smiling lightly at me. I drew a deep breath.
“Corey didn’t only bully me.” Jake was confused and to be honest: I would be confused too if I were him. He just didn’t have a clue yet. “He also raped me.” I whispered. Jake stared at me in shock. I tightened my grip on his hand and started to tell him everything about it, only leaving out the disgusting details. He didn’t need to know them. It was bad enough to know that a friend had been raped by his ex-boyfriend who also bullied him.

When I finished I looked up into his eyes again, unshed tears in my own. Jake just kept on staring at me for a few moments but then he pulled me into a comforting hug, which I gladly returned. I nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck, letting my tears fall once more. The feeling of his arms around calmed me down again. He kissed the top of my head.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Ashley. I can’t even imagine…” he trailed off and I felt something wet dripping into my hair. Looking up, I saw that tears fell down his face. My heart seemed to break a little and I quickly wiped them away.
“Don’t cry, Jakey.” I whispered. “It’s over now.”
“I just can’t believe how much you’ve been through…” he said and pulled me into his arms once more, so I could cuddle up to him again. My head rested on his shoulder again, when I finally answered his first question with more than a nod.
“Yes, I thought about giving up. More than once. But something keeps me going; I don’t even know what it is. Maybe it’s music, or the knowledge that it can hardly get any worse. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m still here, that I’m still struggling my way through life, that I’m alive and burning, like a never ending flame.” I explained. He tightened the hug, nuzzling his face into my hair.
“I’m glad you’re still here.” he finally mumbled. “You’re an amazing person, Ashley, you’re strong and you know what you want and where you wanna go. I figured that you don’t talk to strangers because you need to keep yourself away from hurt and letdowns and that you may have issues with trusting other people because of your past. But you are still here and that means that you haven’t given in, that you still have hope. Just think about everything you could have. I won’t try to talk you into befriending the other three idiots” at that point he chuckled a bit. “but please just think about it. You could have it all, you know.”
I was in tears again, not because of any painful memories, but because Jake’s little speech had moved me.
“Please don’t go all mute on me again, Outlaw” Jake whispered with a little laugh and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I won’t.” I said and added in my mind I promise.

Notes

Another update! :) I'm fast this week. I really hope you like it!
So, Ashley finally has a friend. Isn't that awesome? =)
Comments/Subscriptions/Ratings are always welcome! :)

xoxo Rebellious Redamancy