Ashley Purdy’s Point of View

I crossed my legs underneath me and took another sip of my coffee. Jake stared at me intently, waiting for me to begin with my story. But where should I begin? What was the start of the fucked up part of my life? I thought back, letting memories of my past creep into my mind. I had always tried to push them as far away as possible.

“Ashley looks like a giiihiiirl!” Jack, my cousin, who is the same age as me, giggles.

We had been very young still, maybe eight years old. He had been serious about it and had kept saying that whenever we met, even when we grew up and got older. He would never shut up about it.

“Ashley, you look like a faggot.” my aunt spits.

I had been fourteen and was dressed in black skinny jeans and a ripped band shirt, my shoulder length black hair straightened and teased. My eyes had been rimmed with black eyeliner. I sighed and finally started talking.
“I guess everything started when I was still really young, maybe eight years old, if not even younger. My cousin Jack used to tell me how I looked like a girl, over and over and over again. He made other kids say it too, so I would be all alone with no friends in elementary school. The teachers didn’t care as much as they should have. Around that time I learned to just ignore other kids and be on my own.” I took another sip from my coffee, studying Jake’s face. He looked serious and took in everything I said.
“Kids are cruel, especially at this age” he said silently, apparently thinking back to his own childhood. I nodded and continued.
“He kept telling me this even when we grew up and got older at any chance he got. He would probably still tell me that if he saw me. My aunt was the next to jump into this little game, calling me a faggot when I was fourteen, just because I wore skinny jeans, a band shirt and some make up. I wore my hair like I do now; it was just a bit shorter. I know that I didn’t look normal and I even had been aware of that when I was fourteen, but I thought my family would just accept me somehow.” I was in tears, remembering all those things, thinking about my family and how they had treated me. I had always kept my eyes down, avoiding their hateful stares. I always tried to convince my parents to leave me at home when there was some family get-together. They wouldn’t have any of it though.
Jake put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a comforting embrace. I let him and cried silently into his side. He rubbed circles on my back and tried to soothe me.
“We all hope that our families accept us for who we are. It’s often something we take for granted although not everyone is so lucky. My family never accepted me either.” Jake whispered. I could tell that he didn’t like talking about his past. His story was probably not much different than my own. I tightened my grip a bit to show him my comfort before I pulled away and wiped my eyes. I sniffed but continued nonetheless.

“The only one accepting me was my mother…” More tears fell as I thought of her. She was the kindest person that had ever walked the earth, I was sure of that. Even though I only got in trouble, she was always sweet and caring towards me; she loved me unconditionally and always showed me that no matter what my problem was, I could always rely on her to be there. But then the accident happened.
“Ashley?” Jake asked quietly, touching my arm lightly and bringing me back from my memories.
“She had a car accident. She wanted to fetch me from school and spent a day with me, going shopping and to the movies and then grabbing some tacos on our way home. But she never came to fetch me.” My voice was barely a whisper. Jake put his arm around my shoulders again. I just stared at my coffee table. “My Dad came to pick me up, after I waited more than an hour and tried to call her several times. I thought she just forgot the time or something. My Dad told me that she had this accident and that she died before the ambulance came and that it’d all been my fault because she had wanted to fetch me and spend the day with me. He never liked me, but Mom’s death took it to a whole new level.” The tears returned as I thought about my father.
“You don’t have to tell me everything. I know it hurts to scratch old wounds.” Jake said. I just shook my head. He wanted to know and he talked me into telling him all this. I knew I had to go on if I ever wanted to be able to cope with my past.
“They’re not that old.” I whispered. Jake raised an eyebrow. “My Mom died not even half a year ago.”
“Shit, Ashley, I’m sorry” Jake hugged me again and somehow I enjoyed the contact and the feeling that somebody seemed to care about me.
“It’s nothing I can change. My life just has been hell. Well, it had been hell before, but then it only got worse. My dad started drinking and hitting me. That’s the reason I’m not with him anymore. I moved out on my 18th birthday. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I couldn’t stand him. First I moved to my grandparents. I worked in a small record shop to save some money and eventually live on my own. I also inherited some money from my Mom and my Dad has to support me. That’s what the social workers said, so he does. I guess he’s happy about not having me around anymore. Well, end of the story is I moved here at the beginning of the school year. I had to move to another state, far away from him. I just couldn’t deal with the memories. I still can’t but I had hoped moving away would help.” Jake didn’t let go of me while I was talking and that was something I was glad for. I needed this hug and that realization scared me. It scared me that I needed other people in my life. I didn’t want anyone else in my life, but I had let Jake in. I still doubted what I was doing, but it felt good to talk to someone about my problems.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of this” Jake mumbled into my hair. I let out a forced laugh. He pulled away and looked at me, confusion in his eyes.
“There’s more. There’s high-school.” I said, smiling sadly. Jake’s eyes widened, although I have no clue why he was so surprised. He could’ve told from my appearance that high-school was never easy for me.
“Shit” he mumbled, looking down. “You wanna talk about it?” His eyes met mine again. His look held sorrow and pity. I sighed, but nodded. I needed to get this off my chest.
“I never was popular and I never wanted to be. But what I actually was…” I shook my head. “I had friends, you know? Jason, Maria and Corey… We kinda were like you guys. Inseparable. You rarely found one of us alone, though one reason might be that we all were severely bullied. We just didn’t dare walking around alone, because we knew the jocks would find us.” I stared at the wall for a few moments, trying to figure out how to tell Jake that I was gay and that Corey had been my boyfriend for a year.
“Ashley?” Jake said quietly, touching my arm again. I looked over to him and gave him a sad smile. He didn’t need to accept me, we weren’t friends after all.
“What made the situation worse is that I’m gay.” I waited for his reaction, but it never really came. His eyes just told me to go on. “My friends knew. I was in a relationship with Corey, so you see, I was as happy as I could get with all the shit at home and the bullies at school. I could cope because I had something to hold on to. Corey was my rock in the raging sea that was my fucked up life. I could hold on to him and talk to him. Some days we would just do nothing, cuddle up to each other and enjoy the company. We were perfect.” I whispered the last sentence, a tear escaping my eye. The same memories as the other day in English class came over me. A small smile tugged on my lips, probably the saddest I’d ever smiled.
“Did you think of him the other day in English?” Jake asked. I was surprised that he had figured it out that easily. I gave him a small nod.
“Andy called me Ash the other night and I snapped at him. I’m really sorry about that, but… it brought back so many memories… That’s the nickname my friends and my boyfriend used, before my life went completely down the gutter…” More tears started to fall. I felt Jake taking my hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it. Giving him another sad smile, I continued my story.

“Jason and Maria were the first to leave us. I guess they just had enough of being the outcasts of the school. I was also sick and tired of it, but I didn’t want to change for some stupid people I couldn’t even stand. Corey stayed by my side until one of the jocks saw us together in the park… It was our one year anniversary and we were cuddled up at a clearing, making out some. We didn’t notice him, but later on he threatened Corey to make his life even more hell if he didn’t join them and helped b-beating me u-up…” I was completely in tears and needed a few moments to calm down. Jake had just pulled me into him again while I was talking. I was a mess, shaken by heavy sobs.
“Sh… it’s ok…” He whispered in an attempt to calm me down enough to continue. I knew it wasn’t ok, but I also knew that I had to accept my past someday. And this would be the day. I wiped my tears away with the sleeve of my shirt.
“Corey broke up with me, of course. I can’t even remember how I got home from the park that day; I just remember lying on my bed, crying myself to sleep. When I got to school the next day, all alone, because there was no one left except for me, Corey, Jason and Maria were hanging out with the jocks. Jason has already helped them beating me up; Maria was always near him, cheering him on and calling me names. Corey didn’t jump right in. I saw the remorse in his eyes as he called me names and made me trip in the hallway. I knew that he didn’t want to hurt me, that he still loved me. He eventually had to start beating me. He apologized with his eyes, I was sure he never wanted this. But he got meaner and meaner towards me, beating me bloody, breaking my ribs. I couldn’t find the remorse and the apology in his eyes anymore. He started to like what he was doing and by the end of the school year he was the worst of my bullies.” I looked at Jake as my tears threatened to fall. I wouldn’t let them. I would not cry anymore. I needed to get over him.
“Ashley, I’m so sorry” Jake said, his voice sincere, as he rubbed my back reassuringly.
“I hope this explains a bit why I am like this. I just down wanna get disappointed again. I don’t need another letdown.” I whispered, my voice cracking a bit. I looked to the ground; not wanting to show Jake how much this still affected me. He hugged me close to him. I was slightly taken aback. I had just told him about my fucked up life and he was still here hugging me. In all honesty, I thought he would leave, telling me to never get near him again. But here he was, sitting next to me with his arms around my torso, as if he knew that I needed this hug right now. He tightened his embrace and I hissed in pain, due to the beating earlier.
“Shit, sorry Ashley. I didn’t think about it…” he said and quickly let go of me. I shook my head and put my arms around him, leaning into his side. It was the first time I let myself relax around another person in a long time. Jake smiled a little and threw his arm around my shoulder again, hugging me lightly to him.
“Thank you” I said and looked into his eyes. Jake furrowed his brows.
“What for?” he asked confused.
“For making me talk. For listening. For still being here. This needed to get out.” There was just one more thing I didn’t tell him yet. I was still trying to figure out whether or not I should.


Jake Pitts’ Point of View

“Anytime, Ashley” I said quietly, still hugging him to my side. I paid attention to not hurting him again; I had totally forgotten about his bruises earlier. His life was so much like mine. The guys still didn’t know I was bi and had a boyfriend about two years ago. I never planned on telling them, but now I considered telling Ashley, without even really knowing him. I just knew he would understand it, because of all that shit he went through. Maybe I would tell him about my life one day, so he wouldn’t feel alone in this shitty world. I knew for a fact that the guys would accept both our stories, they didn’t have it easy either in their lives. I just didn’t like talking to people, much like Ashley.
“Hey, Ashley?” I asked quietly, also tempted to say Ash, just like Andy. But I knew the story and I wouldn’t call him that if he didn’t want it.
“Yeah?” he mumbled, still lost in thoughts. I could only guess that there was still something that he kept inside, probably something worse than I could imagine. I wouldn’t pressure him though. He didn’t know me and it was a miracle that he had shared his past with me.
“Can I tell you something?” He looked at me curiously and nodded.
“Sure, if you want to.”
“Not even the guys know…” I trailed off, doubts invading my thoughts.
“I don’t talk to them anyway” he said softly and tightened the hug only a tiny bit to assure me that it was ok. I nodded.
“But if the day comes and you decide to be friends with us…”
“I won’t tell them, I promise.” I smiled thankfully at him and took a deep breath.
“I’m bi.” I said and looked into Ashley’s eyes. They were full of understanding, so I went on. “I also had a boyfriend, that was about two years ago. He also let me down. We’re not that different from each other, you know?” My voice was barely a whisper, but Ashley heard it and nodded. He wiped a tear from my face. I hadn’t noticed that I was crying. I needed to get something else off my chest.
“I’m in love with Jinxx” I mumbled. Ashley smiled a little and I just couldn’t help but smile too. The thought of Jinxx always made me smile, but then I thought about him never returning my feelings.
“Do you know whether he is bi or gay?” Ashley asked and I shrugged.
“I’m not sure. I know he had a girlfriend once, but he’s been single for some time now.” Ashley gave me another reassuring smile. It felt good that I told him.
“I won’t tell anyone, Jake. I promise.” He said and looked at me.
“I know” I smiled sadly, because I knew that Ashley wouldn’t talk to anyone at all.
“Not just because I don’t talk to people in general. Even if I might make some friends, what I doubt, I won’t tell.” We chuckled a bit at that. He would totally fit into our little group and as I voiced this thought he just shrugged.
“Maybe it needs time” he whispered and I knew that not all hope was lost with him.

Notes

Yay for me! :D I know this was pretty sad. Poor Ashley =( And poor Jake too =(
So I updated just as I promised. There's actually more to this topic but the chapter is so long already, that I just split it, so there will be a new chapter up within the next few day. The next one might be a bit more cheery. :) Tell me what you think! Comments (positive and negative!) are always welcome! If you like the story you might even want to subscribe ;) Oh and please don't forget to rate ^.^

xoxo RebelliousRedamancy