Ashley Purdy’s Point of View

The week had passed without any further incidents between Andy and me and in all honesty, it made me sad. I still had those dreams one night or another, but Andy apparently stopped himself from bringing up my lack of sleep. For this I was extremely grateful, because I really didn’t know how I would have explained that to him. Hey Andy, I’m having hot sex dreams about you, fucking me senseless in my bed, the shower, the kitchen. Yeah, that would go down well.
I had been sitting with the guys each lunch break, but never really had an input in their conversations. I just didn’t feel that comfortable yet. Andy always sat next to me and took my hand or stroked my thigh. His gestures relaxed me a little. Jake had given me a talk about how I didn’t need to sit with them if I didn’t want to and how much of a pushy asshole Andy was for always dragging me along. I had just shrugged and told him the same thing I had told Andy: That I probably just needed someone that forced me into being social again. I would just let it happen. Jake calmed down a bit after that, but not fully. I wondered if there was anything he was keeping from me, but I shook that thought off. Jake wouldn’t do that to me.

It was Friday afternoon and Andy and I were walking home from school, holding hands. This really had become normal for us, to just walk home hand in hand. There hadn’t been any kisses since Monday though. We just didn’t feel the need to kiss; we were comfortable just like that. Although I wouldn’t mind if he’d kiss me again, I was just too much of a coward to make the first move myself. Besides that, I was still incredibly unsure about the whole situation that we were in.
“So” Andy interrupted my thoughts and I looked at him. “Rehearsal tonight?” He grinned at me as if he was mad and I just couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. Yes, today was the first rehearsal for them with me on bass. I was excited and scared at the same time, not knowing what would come out of this.
“Yeah” I replied and stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed at that and squeezed my hand a bit.
“You wanna do something afterwards?” I asked and thought about the little coffee shop we had passed on the way to CC’s the week before.
“Sure, you have anything in mind?” he said and smiled brightly at me. I felt something flutter in my stomach and inwardly shook my head. Well, shit, I wasn’t in need of any serious feelings towards Andy. Something like a crush. Or worse even: Love.
“I thought we could get some coffee at the little coffee shop around the corner from CC’s?” What else could we do? We always end up watching movies at mine somehow.
“That’d be cool.” Andy smiled and ran his thumb over the back of my hand. We were standing in front of my apartment now and I honestly didn’t want to let him go. I tried to think of an excuse for inviting him in, but nothing came to my mind, so I just dropped the thought.
“So, see you later, I guess. I’ll fetch you, if that’s ok?” he offered and I thankfully nodded my head.
“Yeah, before your maybe-bassist-to-be gets lost” I said and laughed a little. A grin spread across his face.
“So you already consider joining us? Awesome!” he exclaimed and I just shook my head, laughing at his excitement.
“I really need to get going though, my mom’s waiting with dinner for me” and with that he kissed my cheek and skipped across the street, disappearing into the building on the opposite side. I sighed and made my way into my own flat, instantly feeling lonely again.

The afternoon couldn’t have passed any slower. I had already made the homework for Monday, studied for a test and showered, including dressing up some and doing my hair and make-up. I had made somewhat of an effort again, having the urge to impress Andy. Would he even notice, though? I wasn’t sure what he was feeling towards me, if he was feeling anything at all. He seemed to laugh more when I was close and always wanted some kind of physical contact, like holding hands or putting on arm around my shoulder or waist. I still had half an hour left and started to check the strings of my bass, lost in my thoughts yet again.
The doorbell rang and I took a look at the strings one last time, before putting the instrument in its case, grabbing my leather jacket and heading out the door. Andy stood in front of the building, smiling and a cigarette in hand. I scrunched up my nose as I made my way over to him.
“You know that smoking kills people, right?” I said and looked into his eyes. He just shrugged.
“Living kills people too and still everyone’s doing it.” he replied, flicked the finished cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. What a smartass I thought, but tried to not be upset with him. I didn’t want him to smoke, because I cared pretty much for him. That much I had admitted to myself. I didn’t want to argue with him either, so I dropped the subject and we started walking in the direction of CC’s house. After a few minutes, Andy took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand, as he had done so often before. I smiled and relished the feeling that he gave me.
“I like when you smile” he confessed and blushed a little. I looked at him in awe, not being able to hide how happy his words made me.
“I like it even more when you smile because of me” Andy added in a quiet voice. I squeezed his hand that hold onto mine so tightly and stretched up a bit to kiss his cheek, which became even redder.
“I like it when you make me smile” I told him honestly. “It makes me feel better, when I normally think that my life went down the gutter about a year ago. Now it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.” I confessed and looked up into his sky-blue eyes. We had stopped walking by then, without even recognizing that we nearly stood in front of CC’s house already. We both leaned in, faces just inches apart, when suddenly a door burst open.
“There you guys are! We already thought you got lost on the way!” CC yelled, destroying our moment of intimacy completely. It wasn’t his fault really, he didn’t know that we got incredibly closer on a mental level, just through those few sentences we exchanged not even five minutes ago. But now it seemed to be official to both of us. We cared for each other. But what did that mean for the future? Were we in a relationship because we liked to make each other smile? Or was it just friendship? I was confused, but I was sure that playing bass would help to ease my mind for an hour or two.Working on music always made me forget about my worries.

Half an hour later and we were through the greetings and had already set our stuff up. Andy was just explaining something about the song we would be playing to me. He also played some bass, but he was apparently not that good at it. Just when Andy wanted to start explaining every little detail he was cut off by a very annoyed Jinxx.
“Dude! He surely doesn’t play that instrument for the first time! Let’s start already; I’m sure he’ll be fine!” Jinxx said in his most frustrated voice, picking at his strings in expectation. I chuckled a little, putting the fingers of my left hand in all the right places to start off with Knives and Pens. CC made a click intro and Jinxx and Jake started to play, me joining in a few beats after. I was impressed as ever when Andy started to sing and scream, but I needed to focus on my playing. The song was even better with bass in it, if that was even possible.
When we ended the song a few moments later, I was grinning like an idiot. This had been amazing and I actually felt very attracted to playing with them constantly.
“I take it you like it, then?” Andy asked me, a smile playing around his lips. I nodded, not able to express the happiness I got from playing.
“How about you, though? Think Ashley can handle us?” Jinxx asked Andy and stuck his tongue out. Andy laughed and nodded.
“Hell yeah! Ash, you’re awesome! You should’ve told us earlier!” I chuckled and the others laughed too. We practiced some more songs and had the time of our lives doing so.
After two hours, we were all pretty exhausted and just sat around on the floor, enjoying the vibe that didn’t leave the room ever since we started playing.
“Still no name, yet?” I inquired and looked at the four boys that were probably my new band mates. They shook their heads and looked a bit sad at this. I smiled slightly, though.
“Well, don’t give up just yet” I said with a wink and they started laughing.
“NEVER!” Andy yelled and jumped up, pumping his fist in the air. We all cracked up laughing at his behavior. He took a seat again, grabbing a bottle of water and drinking the half of it in one gulp.
“Erm…” he awkwardly started and we all went silent, looking at him expectantly. “Well, you remember this song I started to write? Well I have a verse and the chorus. I’m still messing with the second verse, but I guess we could start to work out the first part of it already?” he asked cautiously, looking into each of our faces.
“Hell yeah! Song writing time!” Jake exclaimed and I chuckled.
“Ashy, never hesitate to throw in your ideas!” CC said and I just looked at him weird. Really? Ashy? Never heard that one before.
“O…k?” I answered hesitantly, still weirded out from that nickname. The other three just chuckled at the two of us.
“Never mind CC and his weird nicknames.” Jinxx said. I shrugged and crossed my legs underneath me.
“Now, that this is settled” Andy glanced from CC to me and back. “Can we start?” We all nodded, sitting in a circle, waiting for Andy to begin.
He pulled out a piece of paper and showed us the lyrics.

You kissed the lips of evil
Two months it’s all the same
I begged for this man’s approval
Like all the rest we'll die in vain

Sit down with thoughts alone now
With blood these lyrics came
Your words can eat right through me
Dead could hear my shame

The tears we've cried,
This love has died
You're by yourself with me tonight
It's what we hide with every lie
And stitch these wounds with me tonight

“Wow” I was the first to speak. The lyrics already sounded amazing to me. They sounded so genuine and desperate.
“Andy, you’re awesome” CC stated and read the words over and over again.
“Thanks” he mumbled, cheeks a light shade of red. I smiled at him and the fluttery feeling in my stomach came back when he returned it.
“I wanna make this epic” he explained and sighed. “Up-tempo, but not too fast. Erm… shall I sing?” It was cute how unsure he seemed to be. I wanted to cuddle him, but composed myself. Not here, not now. Later, though.
We all nodded and waited for him to start. He took a deep breath and started to sing. When he came to the chorus, a tear escaped my eye. I quickly wiped it away, hoping that no one noticed. I just couldn’t help but find this tragically beautiful.
He ended and looked at us. No one said a word, everyone just stared at Andy. He cleared his throat and looked to the ground, fiddling with the fabric of his trousers. I pulled myself out of this trance-like state and got up. Andy looked up at me, sadness in his eyes. He must have thought that I would leave. Instead, I walked over to him and plopped down on the ground next to him. I pulled him into my arms, hugging him tightly to me, nuzzling my face into his neck.
“That was incredibly beautiful” I whispered and that was when I felt him hesitantly hug back. After a few moments I pulled away and looked into his eyes with a smile on my face.
“Amazing” Jake said. He got up and took his guitar, messing about with some chords and notes until he found what he seemed to be looking for. The riff he played fitted the lyrics perfectly.

After another hour of trying to work out some details for the song, we were all tired as hell and just wanted to head home. I bit my lip and hoped that Andy still wanted to get some coffee with me. It was nearly 10 pm already and his parents would probably worry if he would stay out any longer. We said our goodbyes to CC and left his house. Jinxx and Jake left in the opposite direction, so it was only me and Andy. This time it was me taking his hand. My action made him smile and that was all I could ask for at this moment.
“You still wanna get that coffee?” I asked him, staring at the road in front of us. There were no people walking around, it was only the two of us in the chill of this mid-October night.
“Sure” Andy replied enthusiastically and smiled at me.
“Won’t your parents worry about you?” I asked and shot him a concerned look. He shook his head.
“They know that band practice always has an open end for us. Once we were busy until three in the morning, just exchanging ideas and stuff. It was amazing. I’ll probably text them though.” he explained and I nodded. Gathering my courage, I asked something that had already crossed my mind this afternoon.
“You wanna stay over at mine?” I dreaded his answer, fearing rejection, but Andy smiled and squeezed my hand.
“I’d love to!” he answered and relief washed over me.
“Awesome, ‘cause I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone” I didn’t mean to say that out loud and blushed furiously, looking at the concrete beneath our feet. Andy stopped walking, bringing me also to a halt, since we were still holding hands. Fuck, he’s probably mad at me now I thought and a tear ran down my face. I fucked up. Again.
Andy had other thoughts though and just hugged me, wrapping his arms around me. I was slightly taken aback. Why didn’t he laugh at me or call me pathetic? Why didn’t he tell me that of our weird relationship was a big joke? The old feeling of doubting myself came back to the surface.
“Shh, Ash” he cooed and his hands ran up and down my back. I nuzzled my face into his neck, snaking my arms around his waist and hold on as if my life depended on him being here. I closed my eyes and hoped that this moment would last forever, that we could just stay here and hug each other. I didn’t need more. This made me content.
“You ok?” Andy murmured into my hair and I nodded my head, rubbing my nose on his neck in the process. He sighed and tightened his grip on me once more.
“If you ever need to talk, I’m here. Ok?” he said, his voice holding concern and worry. I nodded again, inhaling his scent. “Now, let’s grab some coffee, shall we?”
One more nod from me and we let go of each other. I felt empty without his arms around me. I never thought I would need someone in my life that much, but then Andy came and was annoying and pushy and now I just didn’t seem to be able to live without him anymore.
He snaked his arm around my waist when we started walking again, effectively pulling me into his side. I smiled and also put an arm around his waist. This felt so right.

Notes

This was actually pretty hard to write because I wasn't sure what to put in here and what to leave for the next time and figure it all out and stuff. I'm sorry for the wait.

Have some live Alex acoustic Backseat Serenade <3 (I love this song!)

BACKSEAT SERENADE LIVE ACOUSTIC BY ALEX FUCKING GASKARTH!

Recs/Subscriptions/Comments/Rates/WHATEVER make me a very happy little writer <3

xoxo Rebellious Redamancy