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Ronnie Cant Swag

Asian Style

After the recent prison ink issue, er, sorry Ronnie, [/situation/], and having a(n extremely) painful and expensive, not to mention embarrassing tattoo removal, Ronnie was furious. But it wasn't for the reason you think it was. It was because he didn't get the ink to prove how 'tough' and gangster' he was. So the fake homie sulked around the city's bad neighborhood for a while, earning the distaste of the residents. He wanted to look like he could pwn your ass in a half a heartbeat, but his current ink just wouldn't do the trick apparently.

This brings us to the current day, a little under a month after Ronnie was released from his (latest) jail stint. He was browsing images on Google, and he came up with something. So he decided to give Andy a ring... at 3 A.M.

"what?" The grumpy, groggy singer snapped when he finally answered.

"I have an idea!" Ronnie practically sang.

"Oh God."

In Hueco Mundo, Aizen sneezed.

Later that day, at a more godly hour...

"Ronnie, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"Fuck yeah, bitch!"

"But you don't even speak Chinese!"

"That's why I'm getting help from online!"

Andy sighed. The facepalm he made could be heard around the world.

Ronnie, lacking the proper braincells to have the common sense to get a tattoo in a language that he could read, opened a message board and began to type out a post.

"Yo mah yellow brotha's..." He mumbled as he typed. "I'ma be getting' a tattoo to be showin' how thug I is an I wanna has it in like Chinese or Taiwanese or some shit so I look..."

Here, he paused, his weed-abused and intelligence starved brain at a loss for words.

"Stupid?" Andy proffered boredly, sipping at his coffee.

"Exactly! Stupid as fuck yo! I wan it be sayin' tha' I kick yo ass!" Ronnie said, typing the last words, before hitting post.

Biersack's jaw dropped. The message he posted was full of awful spelling and grammar, not to mention a general lack of capitalization and punctuation, and it would appear that the singer didn't know the difference between numbers and letters.

"0 mi yella bruddaz ima b geetng 4 tatu 2b sh0wnn h0w Thugg 1 is + I w4nn4 geet eet n lYke chin-eze r tye-1-eeze r sum zhit su 1 luuk stoopid s fuqq YO eye wann t 2b s4yn dat ii keeck ur 4$$ n1gg4", the unruly (like it's creator) message read.

However, Ronnie looked quite pleased with himself for creating this mess of a message. Thankfully, Ashley wasn't there to see it, or he'd be forced to bail the bassist out of jail... again. Really, Purdy was becoming more of a badass than Radke!

"You do know you just posted on a board of kids looking for help with their Japanese homework, right?"


"You said Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, it's all the same shit!"

[*(Ronnie, you racist son of a bitch!)*]

Meanwhile, somewhere in Japan, two nerds were on the boards. One turned to the other and said (in Japanese), "Do you see this idiot?"

"Who does he think he is?"

"Let's teach this guy a lesson!"

The next morning, Ronnie woke up to see he had several replies.

One was from the nerds, saying, "Here is your tattoo.", with an attached image of several kanji.

Several other messages called him stupid, and to get off the board.

The final one said, "Oh, you think you is some shit? I challenge you Society Creative Anarchism in LA". This one was signed, "El Spoon".

"Got it!" Ronnie yelled in triumph, opening the file. "Now how the fuck do I print it?"

The next day, he walked into the local tattoo parlor, a print out of the kanji from the site (courtesy of Andy helping him after relentless pestering) in hand.

Andy sighed, warning, "You don't know what it says. How do you know it's not saying something horrible?"

"Pfft, nigga, the hell would a nerd wanna be fuckin' up ma swag?"

Andy just sighed. There was no reasoning with the aspiring gangsta.

Sitting down with the artist, Ronnie handed him the page.

"You sure you want this?" The artist asked when he saw the paper, raising his eyebrows.


"Yanno, a lot of people get these kinds of things, and later regret it because they find out it didn't mean what they thought it did."

"Just do the damn thing!"

[* 6 months later...*]

On an internet forum, a raging argument was going on, centered around Ronnie's new ink.

"The guy's a fucking moron to get that tattooed on his arm."

"Was he high?"

"God, when I was in highschool, I used to look up to him, now I'm ashamed to say I ever liked his music!"

In Japan, the one known as "El Spoon" pissed himself laughing.

When on tour in Japan, Ronnie and Andy were walking down the street, when a little old lady charged towards them, yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Huh?" Andy asked in confusion.

She switched to broken English, saying, "You nice girl, why get man with that on arm?" she asked, pointing at Radke's prized new ink.

"What's it mean?" the younger singer asked, oblivious, not having taken Japanese before.

The lady looked at him, her eyes bugging out, before casting a furtive glance around. Certain that there was nobody overhearing them that could be ill to their health, she said, lowering her voice, "He say on arm.. he like penis in the ass." Before she walked away.

Andy was left dumbfounded.

"You're fucking kidding me."

"The guy did warn you so many people get those without knowing the meaning and end up regretting it."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Meanwhile, Ashley and CC, who were watching from a nearby alley, burst out into loud, raucous laughter.


So I ended up buying this Falling in Reverse shirt... It's got a mugshot of Ronnie on the front, and it's white with pink. Yeah, makes me look like a total fangirl. But worst all is one of my aunts tells me that I look like the guy on that shirt. No lie. And here I try not to break down laughing because in my mind, it's like my aunt says I look like a guy who's a frequent flier at the local jail, and is a wanna be gangster. Wow, I feel the love >.<</strong>


Added "Get back in the silverware drawer!" to my vocab. And if this story continued only in vocab chapters I'd still be pretty happy. Thank you for this story

Also, the commenter before me gets mad swiggity swag points for giving me the term 'Oh my Jinxx'.

onefinalfightdoe onefinalfightdoe

Oh my Jinxx, please update, this is the funniest thing ever! I don't know how many times I laughed till I cried while reading this!


Why thank you :)
This is awesome.
Holy shit I dont think I have ever laughed this hard ever!!!
Pinja. Pinja.