I stood frozen as I took in the situation. Andy had to get back on the road. Andy was going to have to leave me. I had to return to my home. My face went blank and unconsciously my hand gripped tightly onto Andy's. Out of my peripheral vision I saw him look down at our hands. "Um...Reya? You OK?"

That's when I realized my hands were trembling. Oh fuck. "Ye-yeah," my voice trembled. God I can't even compose myself. I cleared my throat and averted my eyes. "I'm fine." He eyed me questionably. I knew he didn't believe it for a second, he was just refraining from questioning me in front of everyone in case I exploded.

CC watched us from the couch. "Uh...well we are gonna have a really fucking long drive back to LA. So make sure you've got all your shit packed Andy. We are dropping by the studio to finish some stuff with merchandising and then everyone's going home for a few weeks."

"Sounds good to me." Andy pulled me lightly to the back of the bus. He opened the door to the back of the bus that led to the bedroom with his and Ashleys beds. Motioning for me to sit in his bed and released his hand and crawled onto his bed. I pulled my legs up, sitting cross legged on the extra long twin sized bed. My eyes looked down. I couldn't keep the look of disappointment off my face. "Reya?" he said quietly as he wrapped a long tattooed arm around my back. "Will you please tell me what's wrong?"

I sniffed once, trying not the cry. "We've been apart almost a year, and I'm about to lose you again."

He sighed loudly. "You aren't losing me, babe. I promise that I'll talk to you every single day. I don't give a fuck who loses time with me because you are one of the most important things in my life and I don't want to lose you again. It ripped me to pieces when you left me ReyRey."

I slumped into his chest. "It hurts."
"I know, sweetie. It hurts me too." He kissed my hair and gently shook me. "Will you be OK for a few minutes? I need to go get a shower."
"Yeah," I said gently hitting his chest. "Go wash up." He gently pecked my lips before standing and closing the door behind him.

The moment the door locked I collapsed onto the bed. I let the tears come out and soak into the black sheets on Andy's bed. I pulled myself into a ball, with my knees to my chest as I shakily released the trapped emotion. I opened my blurry eyes to see an acoustic guitar laying on Ashleys bed. I sniffed, sitting up and wiping my eyes as I admired the black finished guitar. I stood up and gently brushed my fingers over the glossy finish. Carrying it to Andy's bed, I pulled the pick from the strings of the fret board. I placed my fingers over the strings and gently strummed a few chords, not realizing what I was playing. I glanced at the mirror on the side of Ashs bed, taking in my wreck of appearance. My eyes were streaked from bleeding mascara and eyeliner. I closed my eyes as I began to sing quietly to myself, enjoying my catharsis.
"I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter, But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her, And I bleed,
I bleed and I breathe, I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me. Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love?

So I bleed, I bleed,
And I breathe, I breathe no...
Bleed, I bleed, And I breathe,
I breathe, I breathe- I breathe no more."

I held the last note, feeling one final tear mark it's way down my face. Remaining with my eyes closed, I brushed away the streaking droplet. I pulled in one sniffle, when the door opened, cracking slightly as a small stream of light poured in. Andy peered in, only his face revealed in the doorway. He stepped in, taking his time as he closed the door.

He stood facing the door, before leaning against it with his forehead and arms. "Andy?" I said in a small voice. He didn't respond. "Andy?" Silence. "Andy, talk to me. Say something." I stood up and stopped a few steps from his exposed back that was facing me. His shoulder blades stuck out on his bare spine. I shakily reached out to him. My hand dropped to my side. I couldn't do it. "Andy," I murmured, almost I audible in the small space.

"You're...breaking me," he choked. "What?"

He turned to face me, tears in his eyes. "You're breaking me." "What are you talking about Andy?"
He pulled in a breath. "You sound so much like an angel Reyalie. But you singing about self harm and potential suicide kills me. I hate the thought that..." he seemed lost for words. "I almost lost you baby. I remember picking you up from your bathroom floor. You were resting in a small pool of blood. I remember the picture you sent me when you broke up with me, sinking to the floor as I felt my heart rip in two at the thought that I made you hurt yourself." Tears pulled over his waterline, glossing his iced blue eyes. His fingers entwined with mine. "Reya, please promise me, you won't do it. I love you so much, and if you ever feel that way, call me, text me, whatever must happen so I can just be there for you and remind you just how much I love you. To remind you just how beautiful you are."

I felt the emotion welling in my eyes. I jumped into him and collided our bodies as I held him in a tight embrace. His arms snaked around my back. I cherished the warmth that his body presented. "Andy?" He pulled back, arms still around me, but now looking in my eyes. "I promise. I won't do it again. Thank you for being there for me, I know you think you deserted me, but Andy...you were always there. When I was...there was always your voice in the back of my head, asking me why I was hurting myself. You were always there."

He embraced me again. "I don't want to go now."
"Me either," I mumbled against his chest. I let go of him and he ran his fingers through his hair, his nervous habit. I walked over to the bed and sat down, and he joined me, collapsing onto his back on the bed. He snapped up and his eyes seemed brighter.

"Reya, I have an idea."
"Oh fuck, what?"
"What if...what if you came back to California with me?"

Notes

Here ya go. I know I know...it's been way too long.
Ive been so busy with classes and homework and papers and it's overwhelming.
Ive been put on medication for my anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I apparently also have mild depression. Woohoo.
But I'm feeling a lot better guys. I'm so much happier now. I haven't had a panic attack in almost a week now! I haven't missed any classes in two weeks and I'm so happy that I can finally control this anxiety.

Thank you for sticking through this with me.
Thank you for reading <3

im gonna try to update at least once a week!
Love you all <3