My feet are dangling off the edge

"Ash you ready?!" I called as I zipped up my grey sweatshirt walking down the carpeted stairs.

It's been 2 weeks and Christmas came and went, we stayed home for christmas but went to my parents in Missouri for new years, ashley kept his promise and didnt mention anything to mom and dad as long as i was more careful and smart about things.

It took me 3 days to fully get over the sickness but that night still haunts my dreams. I wake up at 3am every morning with the same events replaying in different twisted ways. It always ends with the image of wills twisted smirk, and it always makes me wake up breathless and covered in sweat unable to fall back asleep. But I didn't tell Ashley or anyone, they didn't need to know

I haven't talked to Anthony or Aaron, And they haven't made any effort to reach out to me but i didn't care, i didn't need them, instead I was focussing on my school work and my family, the guys and girls, because that's all I needed.

The guys were planned to leave for a two month tour tomorrow and after many different discussions it had been final that I would stay with Sammi at her and jinxxs place but of course Ella and the others would make visits.

" living room!" Ashley's voice called out cutting my thoughts off as I hopped off the last step and walked towards the living room seeing Ashley on the couch.

He was raking a hand through his black hair tapping his cow boy booted foot on the carpet. I raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled softly before patting the spot next to him.

V "Come here kiddo I just want to talk about something real quick then well head over to jinxxs"

I nodded and sat next to him hesitantly confused on exactly was going on.He wrapped an arm around me and took a breath in making me grow more nervous as the silence continued.


"You know I love you so much, an I just have to talk to you about something"

I nodded again and he closed his eyes letting out a slow breath that blew into my face making me calm down a little at the bubble mint scent I got to know so well.

" so we have to stop the tour"

My eyes widened as I shifted towards him. He was messing with his hair again as he stared at me.

"What? Why?!"

He sighed again

"Jake and Ella had to go to Boston last night, his cousin overdosed on drugs an he's staying there for awhile so we all decided we aren't going on with the tour, there will be other tours"

I nodded a little, it must be bad if they canceled tour, they usually never do then again, it was his cousin.

"Did you ever meet her? How old is she?" I asked and he sighed smiling slightly

"She's 17 , she's a junior right now, I have met her a bunch of times yes, when we tour in Boston she always comes, very good kid, much like yourself , dark, weird ,and creepy" he said the last part making me smile and slap his arm

He smiled also before letting out another sigh

"I just didnt think she ever did stuff like that" I nodded again and he sighed squeezing me tighter.

I laid my head against his chest.

"I take it jake took it hard?"

"Her, jake and Ella are close, like they're pretty much siblings, they act it and god you should have heard jakes voice over the phone last night, out of all the years knowing him, I've only seen him cry when his mom was really sick, and last night over the phone he just lost it, he cares so much for her and I can't stand knowing she's like that and I barely know the kid"

I nodded taking it all in not knowing what to say, I didn't even know this girl but I felt as if she was a close friend the way I was worried about her, and I didn't even know her name.

He took a breath again and rubbed his face.

" The whole thing though, it just made me think"

I looked up at and waited for him to continue He took a breath before rubbing his forehead with the arm that wasn't around me and I looked at him

"Between me and you, you don't do any of that right?" Ashley asked slowly I looked up seeing him looking right down at me with his brown eyes slightly fogged over with a concerned look.

" no Ashley.. Of course not" I said honestly

"Promise?"

I nodded and he smiled pecking my cheek before sighing out a little.

" please don't ever, and another question"

I nodded waiting for him to continue

" I've been scared to ask before but it's something I need to start checking, Jessica, can I see your wrists?" He asked and I felt my body freeze.

My arms froze over as my head started blur and buzz with fright He hasn't asked , no one has since I came here and since that night with will I haven't been able to live with myself, so almost every night I've resulted to that I kept my head down feeling my body start to shake as Ashley lifted it up slowly locking our eyes his filed with sadness

"Jess.."

I looked down again feeling tears fall down my face fast and my body start to shake. I felt his other hand reach over and bring my shaking body to his lap as I lost it

" I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I just can't help it, sinc-since that night I just can't control it, I'm so worthless Anthony didnt want me will used me , nobody will ever love me , I'm just pathetic I'm fucking pathetic and I just can't help it" I sobbed choking on the last word and sucking in a breath as he gripped me tighter and started slowly rocking back and forth

" sh calm down calm down" he said softly but I didn't calm down I kept crying loudly into his shirt

"Hey, listen to me" he said and after a few minutes I silenced my sobs still hiccuping and sniffling.

He gripped me tighter and kissed my head

"You're none of that, those boys are stupid teenagers who don't know and will never get the chance to see how amazing you are but all that matters is you have us, please, for me, for the guys, the girls, please stop, I don't want to see anything happen to you" he said his voice quivering as if he was about to cry

I sat up from his chest slightly and he wiped my face with his soft hand before slowly reaching for my sweatshirt covered arms.

My instinct was to pull my arms away but the look in his eyes was so gentle and caring that I instead relaxed and watched as he pulled my sleeves up revealing the angry red mars taking up my wrist.

He looked at me sadly and rubbed them softly before gripping me again.

"I love you so much , I'm so sorry, I've basically neglected you, I'm always out or were always with the guys and if we're home I never pay Attention to this, im so sorry please, please talk to me, I don't care where I Am, I will leave a fucking concert just to help you.. Please" he begged gripping me and running a hand down my back

Tears flooded my eyes again as I gripped his shirt, how much he cared overwhelmed me, I knew he loved me but I didn't know he did to such an extent

"I promise ash"

He released me and shifted so we were facing each other. He lifted his pinky and held it out making me laugh and wipe the hot tears from my eyes and linked my pinky in his much longer one

" you better" he said bringing my hand up and kissing it before unlocking our fingers

He rubbed his face a little before I followed his actionsand numbly fell against his chest.

"I just love you kid, so much and seeing jake and his cousin really opened my eyes, I don't want you in the same place she is" he said and I closed my eyes

"I know ash"

I didn't want that either, I used to, but there was no need to die anymore, I had my family, And that's all I needed. That's all I ever needed.

Notes

Hey guys I'm back!! I'm sorry it's taken me so long but I'm bad