Now Remembered. But For How Long?
The Dad I Never Had
Contains self harm! May be triggereing for some readers. Reference to anorexia* I'm just being cautious even though it might not trigger anyone. I just want to be safe. :) love you all. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled reading*
*Juni's POV*
After Andy got out of bed I just stayed in the bunk. I wasn't really hyped up to do much. I really should be happy because it's my birthday and I'm with the best people in the world but I'm just not feeling it. I just couldn't stop thinking about the night I died. I really shouldn't even be alive. I should be dead right now. I looked down at my arms. All I saw were the scars left from the really deep cuts I made about 6 years ago. My depression was starting to come back. Great. Just what I need to start off my birthday. Before you ask, yes I still have a razor. I kept one hidden from everyone incase depression came back and got bad. It's behind my phone battery where no one can find it. I got really tired and fell back asleep hoping to sleep off the memories. That wasn't smart of me. I had dreams of Dad first beating me. I got so bad where it got to the point where I shot up so fast that I got dizzy. I'm surprised no one heard me. I got out of the bunk and went to the bathroom. No one saw or heard me which is good. I locked the door and sat on the floor. I pulled out my razor and put it on the floor. I just stared at it for the longest time thinking if I should do it. The more I thought the worse I started feeling about myself. I felt fat again. Instead of going anorexic why not go bulmenic. I mean the guys will see me eat. I just hope they don't wonder why I'm going to the bathroom after I ate. Eh. I'll just have lots of water or something this way they don't get super worried.
I grabbed the razor and made a few small slits on my left and right arm. Well there goes me being clean for 5 years. I quickly cleaned up the razor and my arms. I put the razor back in my phone and went to Jake's bunk. Luckily I left my long sleeve shirt in there and it was raining out. So I changed my shirts into my long sleeved BVB shirt and went back to sleep. I had my phone playing music on low volume to help me sleep. Knives and Pens was playing so I hummed to it until I fell asleep. I couldn't sleep so I just shut my eyes since they were heavy. I could hear people talking about something but I couldn't tell, I had the curtain closed. Next thing I know, I feel someone shaking me. Shit, my arms. They were rubbing up against the stitching of the sleeves.
"What the fuck do you want? I just want to sleep." I mumbled into the pillow.
"Juniper wake up. We're home." It was Jake. He looked at what I was wearing. I hope he doesn't question me. Well I cut my arm and not my wrists do I don't think he'll be able to see them.
"Whatever." I got out of the bunk, grabbed my phone and walked into the living room area.
"Happy birthday Juni." Ashley looked at me and gave me a hug.
"SISSY!!!!! HAPPY BURFDAY!!!!!" CC practically screamed and gave me the CC hug. I cringed when he yelled. I was so fucking tired that I wanted nothing to do with people. Don't get me wrong, I love these guys to death but I'm just really tired and now my arms are sore.
"Thanks brubber. Can you please be quieter though? I'm just really tired."
"Sorry. How are you still tired you slept the entire ride home."
"I don't know I just am."
"Juni are you okay?" Jake questioned me.
"I'm fine Jake. Nothing to worry about."
"Come with me," Jake pulled me to the back room and shut the door. "Wrists. Now."
I pulled up the sleeves to show my wrists. He didn't look at my arms which was good.
"Good. I thought you were wearing it because you cut. Don't ever do it. Come talk to one of us if you feel the need to. You've gone five years without new scars. Please don't ruin you streak." Jake hugged me and pecked my head. If only he knew that I broke it today. Jake walked back to the living room and I just stayed in the back. I sat on the floor and just thought.
"What's Jake going to say when he finds out that I broke the streak and promise? He'll hate me for sure." I muttered to myself thinking that no one was around.
"Juni? What do you mean?" It was Jinxx. He's been like a father that I could never have growing up. He understood me and never broke a promise. I shot my head up in shock.
"I didn't hear you come in. What are you talking about?" Jinxx just walked in and shut the door and sat across from me.
"You said what was Jake going to say when he found out that you broke the streak and promise. What do you mean?" I stayed silent and just looked at my arms.
"Arms. Not wrists. Show me your whole arm." I hung my head low. I didn't want anyone to find out. So I didn't pull up the sleeves. Instead Jinxx pulled them up and just sighed. He saw the fresh red lines dace angrily across my arms.
"Juni, you did so well. What happened?"
"I don't know. I was just lying in bed and all I could think about was the day I died. I shouldn't be here Jinxx. I should be dead. Then I felt my depression kick in and I fell asleep and I dreamt about the first time Dad hit me. So I snuck into the bathroom and stared at my razor and finally decided to make a few small quick slits on my arms. I went to Jake's bunk and remembered that this shirt was in there. It's raining so no one would really question me wearing a long sleeved shirt. Please don't tell Jake. He'll hate me for lying to him." I start to break down in tears. Jinxx just hugged me and rubbed my back.
"Why didn't you come and talk to one of us instead? Hand over the razor. No more okay. This will be your first and last day. You're going to have to tell Jake at some point." He made a point. I opened up my phone and gave him the razor.
"I don't know Jinxx. I really don't." I started crying again. I must be a total mess now.
"This is a horrible birthday. I broke a promise, ruined my arms and I'm crying. I'm twenty two for god's sake."
"Hey don't say that. It's still early. You can change this day to make it better." Jinxx cooed.
"Jinxx please don't tell the others. Not yet. I'm not ready. Please. It'll only make me worse and make my depression worse."
"I promise. But remember that you have to face them soon. Don't hold it off." Jinxx rubbed circles on my back.
"Thanks Jinxx."
"For what?"
"Being here and being the father that I never had growing up."
"No problem kiddo. Let's go before Sammi questions me and Jake yells at me." We both laughed.
"Alright. Carry me? I'm too tired to walk."
"Sure." Jinxx got up and carried me bridal style. I almost passed out. It was literally a minute walk from the back room to the living room area.
"What happened?" Jake questioned when I sat on the couch facing him.
"Nothing."
"Something had to have happened because Jinxx carried you out and your eyes are red."
"Jake I'm fine. I'm just really tired. That's all. Jinxx just carried me because I was too lazy to walk."
Jake shook his head. He's not buying it. Great more stress to add on to. Jake just walked off somewhere.
"Juni." Jinxx pulled me out of my thoughts. "Huh?"
"Happy birthday." He smiled and passed me a small box. I opened it and in it was a bracelet that I've been dying to get. It was a leather strip bracelet with red, white and orange beads. And a wolf charm hung off of it with little angel wing charms going around the bracelet.
"Jinxx. How did you know?"
"I saw you looking at it when we were in Florida. I could tell that you wanted it so I went and bought it for you. Look what's on the back of the wolf." On the back was, "So hear my voice, Remind you not to bleed, I am here ~ Saviour. BVB & Jinxx" and on the wolf's tail was my nick name Wolf Tiger engraved on it.
"I love it." I was so happy. I hugged Jinxx.
"So this is what took you forever in the mall?"
"Yeah… Only the best get awesome things from amazing people."
"What's Saviour?"
"You'll find out soon."
I hugged Jinxx again. He put the bracelet on me and I just couldn't stop staring at t. I loved it so much.
"Happy birthday kiddo." Jinxx hugged me again and went to get Sammi. I just sat on the couch playing with my bracelet. Jake came over and sat next to me.
"Whatcha doing?"
"Looking at the bracelet Jinxx got me for my birthday."
"Oh shit that was today."
"Well duh. It's only the most important day in the world."
"Oh really?"
"Well it should be to you."
"Get over here." Jake grabbed me before I could escape and gave me a noogie.
"Jake st-stop. My hair." I couldn't stop laughing. I flailed my arms trying to break free of Jake.
"Happy Birthday Juni." Jake started tickling me and I fell to the floor.
"Jake!"
"Never!"
"BRUBBER HELP!" I yelled hoping CC could hear me. I couldn't stop laughing.
"BRUBBER CC TO THE RESCUE!"
"CC HURRY. HURRY UP. I CAN'T STOP HIM." CC ran to Jake and tried to tackle Jake but he failed miserably. He ended up falling on top of me and shoved Jake into the wall.
"Smooth move Jackass."
"Hey at least I got Jake off of you."
"Whatever. Can you get off me now? I'd like to breathe again."
"Sure."
"Let's get into Sammi's. Everyone's waiting." Jake pulled my wrist and led me to Sammi's. I was greeted to an unexpected sight.
*Juni's POV*
After Andy got out of bed I just stayed in the bunk. I wasn't really hyped up to do much. I really should be happy because it's my birthday and I'm with the best people in the world but I'm just not feeling it. I just couldn't stop thinking about the night I died. I really shouldn't even be alive. I should be dead right now. I looked down at my arms. All I saw were the scars left from the really deep cuts I made about 6 years ago. My depression was starting to come back. Great. Just what I need to start off my birthday. Before you ask, yes I still have a razor. I kept one hidden from everyone incase depression came back and got bad. It's behind my phone battery where no one can find it. I got really tired and fell back asleep hoping to sleep off the memories. That wasn't smart of me. I had dreams of Dad first beating me. I got so bad where it got to the point where I shot up so fast that I got dizzy. I'm surprised no one heard me. I got out of the bunk and went to the bathroom. No one saw or heard me which is good. I locked the door and sat on the floor. I pulled out my razor and put it on the floor. I just stared at it for the longest time thinking if I should do it. The more I thought the worse I started feeling about myself. I felt fat again. Instead of going anorexic why not go bulmenic. I mean the guys will see me eat. I just hope they don't wonder why I'm going to the bathroom after I ate. Eh. I'll just have lots of water or something this way they don't get super worried.
I grabbed the razor and made a few small slits on my left and right arm. Well there goes me being clean for 5 years. I quickly cleaned up the razor and my arms. I put the razor back in my phone and went to Jake's bunk. Luckily I left my long sleeve shirt in there and it was raining out. So I changed my shirts into my long sleeved BVB shirt and went back to sleep. I had my phone playing music on low volume to help me sleep. Knives and Pens was playing so I hummed to it until I fell asleep. I couldn't sleep so I just shut my eyes since they were heavy. I could hear people talking about something but I couldn't tell, I had the curtain closed. Next thing I know, I feel someone shaking me. Shit, my arms. They were rubbing up against the stitching of the sleeves.
"What the fuck do you want? I just want to sleep." I mumbled into the pillow.
"Juniper wake up. We're home." It was Jake. He looked at what I was wearing. I hope he doesn't question me. Well I cut my arm and not my wrists do I don't think he'll be able to see them.
"Whatever." I got out of the bunk, grabbed my phone and walked into the living room area.
"Happy birthday Juni." Ashley looked at me and gave me a hug.
"SISSY!!!!! HAPPY BURFDAY!!!!!" CC practically screamed and gave me the CC hug. I cringed when he yelled. I was so fucking tired that I wanted nothing to do with people. Don't get me wrong, I love these guys to death but I'm just really tired and now my arms are sore.
"Thanks brubber. Can you please be quieter though? I'm just really tired."
"Sorry. How are you still tired you slept the entire ride home."
"I don't know I just am."
"Juni are you okay?" Jake questioned me.
"I'm fine Jake. Nothing to worry about."
"Come with me," Jake pulled me to the back room and shut the door. "Wrists. Now."
I pulled up the sleeves to show my wrists. He didn't look at my arms which was good.
"Good. I thought you were wearing it because you cut. Don't ever do it. Come talk to one of us if you feel the need to. You've gone five years without new scars. Please don't ruin you streak." Jake hugged me and pecked my head. If only he knew that I broke it today. Jake walked back to the living room and I just stayed in the back. I sat on the floor and just thought.
"What's Jake going to say when he finds out that I broke the streak and promise? He'll hate me for sure." I muttered to myself thinking that no one was around.
"Juni? What do you mean?" It was Jinxx. He's been like a father that I could never have growing up. He understood me and never broke a promise. I shot my head up in shock.
"I didn't hear you come in. What are you talking about?" Jinxx just walked in and shut the door and sat across from me.
"You said what was Jake going to say when he found out that you broke the streak and promise. What do you mean?" I stayed silent and just looked at my arms.
"Arms. Not wrists. Show me your whole arm." I hung my head low. I didn't want anyone to find out. So I didn't pull up the sleeves. Instead Jinxx pulled them up and just sighed. He saw the fresh red lines dace angrily across my arms.
"Juni, you did so well. What happened?"
"I don't know. I was just lying in bed and all I could think about was the day I died. I shouldn't be here Jinxx. I should be dead. Then I felt my depression kick in and I fell asleep and I dreamt about the first time Dad hit me. So I snuck into the bathroom and stared at my razor and finally decided to make a few small quick slits on my arms. I went to Jake's bunk and remembered that this shirt was in there. It's raining so no one would really question me wearing a long sleeved shirt. Please don't tell Jake. He'll hate me for lying to him." I start to break down in tears. Jinxx just hugged me and rubbed my back.
"Why didn't you come and talk to one of us instead? Hand over the razor. No more okay. This will be your first and last day. You're going to have to tell Jake at some point." He made a point. I opened up my phone and gave him the razor.
"I don't know Jinxx. I really don't." I started crying again. I must be a total mess now.
"This is a horrible birthday. I broke a promise, ruined my arms and I'm crying. I'm twenty two for god's sake."
"Hey don't say that. It's still early. You can change this day to make it better." Jinxx cooed.
"Jinxx please don't tell the others. Not yet. I'm not ready. Please. It'll only make me worse and make my depression worse."
"I promise. But remember that you have to face them soon. Don't hold it off." Jinxx rubbed circles on my back.
"Thanks Jinxx."
"For what?"
"Being here and being the father that I never had growing up."
"No problem kiddo. Let's go before Sammi questions me and Jake yells at me." We both laughed.
"Alright. Carry me? I'm too tired to walk."
"Sure." Jinxx got up and carried me bridal style. I almost passed out. It was literally a minute walk from the back room to the living room area.
"What happened?" Jake questioned when I sat on the couch facing him.
"Nothing."
"Something had to have happened because Jinxx carried you out and your eyes are red."
"Jake I'm fine. I'm just really tired. That's all. Jinxx just carried me because I was too lazy to walk."
Jake shook his head. He's not buying it. Great more stress to add on to. Jake just walked off somewhere.
"Juni." Jinxx pulled me out of my thoughts. "Huh?"
"Happy birthday." He smiled and passed me a small box. I opened it and in it was a bracelet that I've been dying to get. It was a leather strip bracelet with red, white and orange beads. And a wolf charm hung off of it with little angel wing charms going around the bracelet.
"Jinxx. How did you know?"
"I saw you looking at it when we were in Florida. I could tell that you wanted it so I went and bought it for you. Look what's on the back of the wolf." On the back was, "So hear my voice, Remind you not to bleed, I am here ~ Saviour. BVB & Jinxx" and on the wolf's tail was my nick name Wolf Tiger engraved on it.
"I love it." I was so happy. I hugged Jinxx.
"So this is what took you forever in the mall?"
"Yeah… Only the best get awesome things from amazing people."
"What's Saviour?"
"You'll find out soon."
I hugged Jinxx again. He put the bracelet on me and I just couldn't stop staring at t. I loved it so much.
"Happy birthday kiddo." Jinxx hugged me again and went to get Sammi. I just sat on the couch playing with my bracelet. Jake came over and sat next to me.
"Whatcha doing?"
"Looking at the bracelet Jinxx got me for my birthday."
"Oh shit that was today."
"Well duh. It's only the most important day in the world."
"Oh really?"
"Well it should be to you."
"Get over here." Jake grabbed me before I could escape and gave me a noogie.
"Jake st-stop. My hair." I couldn't stop laughing. I flailed my arms trying to break free of Jake.
"Happy Birthday Juni." Jake started tickling me and I fell to the floor.
"Jake!"
"Never!"
"BRUBBER HELP!" I yelled hoping CC could hear me. I couldn't stop laughing.
"BRUBBER CC TO THE RESCUE!"
"CC HURRY. HURRY UP. I CAN'T STOP HIM." CC ran to Jake and tried to tackle Jake but he failed miserably. He ended up falling on top of me and shoved Jake into the wall.
"Smooth move Jackass."
"Hey at least I got Jake off of you."
"Whatever. Can you get off me now? I'd like to breathe again."
"Sure."
"Let's get into Sammi's. Everyone's waiting." Jake pulled my wrist and led me to Sammi's. I was greeted to an unexpected sight.
Notes
^.^ chapter 5 is up!!! Comments, ideas and messages are very much appreaciated!! :) <3~Wolf Tiger <3
:)
9/7/13