“James… Are you…. Gay?”


Gay.

A word that has never landed on my lips. I've always known, but I never had the guts to say it. I had many friends that were girls, but I always saw them as that- friends. When it came to boys, it was different. At school, the few inches that separated our chairs in class felt like a land of vast and forbidden territory. The slight touch of a hand could send chills down my spine, and a simple look could make me swoon. Yet, I've never told anyone. Not even my mom. The woman who has supported me through everything despite the harassment and torture others put her through…

I haven’t even told her.

Growing up in my situation you have to keep a lot to yourself. I was already seen as a negative and strange threat. I couldn’t risk more hatred from others. People wouldn't understand. I've spent barely a month with these boys and now my secret was out. Well, not that secret, but it was only a matter of time before that too, became public.

They all stared at me. Everything moved in slow motion. My mouth was wide open but the words I wanted to say couldn’t come out.

‘ I’m gay! ‘ I shouted, ‘ I’m gay. I’m a homosexual. I like men. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay!’ but no one could hear me. It was all in my mind.

“James…" Andy started. His eyes pleaded with sincerity as he spoke. “If you are, it’s okay. We accept you no matter what.” I let out a deep breathe of relief, took another slow breath in, then nodded.

I did it.

I’m gay. I’m out. I have people who accept me. I just wish it didn’t have to end. There is a possibility that when they find out it will be okay, but possibilities and chances aren’t meant for a guy like me. A 50/50 chance could mean life or death.

Then just like that, Andy’s arms were around me and the boys were patting my back.

No. No touching. No grabbing. No hugging.

No No No No No No No NO!!

I quickly pushed him off breathing heavily, quickly regaining my voice. “I-I… I don’t like being touched. I’m sorry. “ He felt it. I knew he did. I could see it in his eyes. It was all over and we haven’t even been in the buss for a full five minutes. I sat quietly and waited for the impact. I waited for Andy to question what he felt…

but nothing.

Silence.

“So then... James, any guys you find interesting?” I looked up in shock. He acted like nothing happened. Ashley was back to asking me about who I fancied. How? What was their game? I know they know something. Why can’t they just fucking tell me? Are they waiting till we get to the house?

Oh god… the house…

What if this ends up like it did last time? What if this was some game to get me alone so they can….

“I want to get off.” I said firmly, refusing to make eye contact.

“What?” Three of the five boys said in unison.

“Why do you want to get off the buss?” Andy said, reaching for my hand, then quickly pulling away, remembering what I said earlier.

“I just… I think I’m going to throw up. I don’t feel well.”

“Look, we're almost home. Coming out can be a scary process. We will be home in about five minutes, stay calm.” Andy spoke softly and told me to calm down. I’m stuck. I can’t do anything. No one will hear my screams.

The screaming… all the blood… the pain… the searing pain.

*Andy’s POV*

We were just around the corner from my house now. I think that was the first time James has ever told anyone he is gay.

James. Gay.

So many questions ran through my head. How long did he know? Is this why he was so on edge about spending the night? Did this mean… I had a chance?

What am I saying?

I’m not gay, bisexual, heteroflexible, or even pansexual!

I. Don't. Like. Guys.

I just like James…

There I said it. I like James. Hell, I love the guy! I have never fallen for anyone, but with James… it felt like a twenty-foot drop. His smile, his laugh, his eyes, the freckles on his face, everything about him felt so perfect. Every subtle move he made drew me in.

Now that I know he is gay…

how do I tell him?

Notes

Thank you, and you're welcome.

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