Choose Your Fate

“Rain?! What? How? What are you doing here?” he sputters out.

I can’t meet his eyes. I don’t want to see the hate that most likely fills them.

“Wait, oh god, you’re not the girl Jinxx found, are you? You’re not.” Ashley’s voice sounds thick.
Thick with anger is most likely.

Jinxx’s arm moves from around my shoulder and two big hands grasp them. I see cowboy boots on the ground in front of me. It must be Ashley who grabbed me.

“Please, baby girl. Look at me,” Ashley says.

I slowly look up to see a man with tears in his eyes. Ashley looks the same as he did when I last saw him. Black hair, slight facial hair, big brown eyes.

“Baby girl?” Ashley’s voice cracks

Suddenly I am pressed into a warm shirt, held tight, by Ashley. I can feel him shaking.

“I’m so sorry,” he chokes out.

I can feel my eyes welling up with tears. I had only seen Ashley cry once before, even though we had been best friends for over twenty years.

I slowly wrap my arms and hold Ashley as he is holding me. He doesn’t say anything and neither do I. I have nothing to say to him. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if I should be angry with him, or happy that he is here, holding me.

“Why, Rain?” he finally asks.

All I can do is shrug. I can’t even tell him why.

“This is my fault, isn’t it?” he asks.

“No, Ashley. It’s not your fault,” I say.

I feel like I’m lying to him. It wasn’t entirely his fault, but doing what he did contributed to the reasons I had for wanting to kill myself and I would never tell him that.

We stood there for a while in silence. I didn’t know what to say and Ashley was sobbing too hard to say anything.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Rain. I promise you that I will be from now on,” he whispers.

I just hug Ashley tighter.

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this,” I say.

I feel Ashley’s lips touch my head and he hugs me tighter. Ashley doesn’t let me out of the hug until he stops crying. He pulls back, his hands still on my shoulders. His eyes are red, as to be expected, and the expression on his face breaks my heart.

“Can you please tell me why? Please, Rain!” he croaks.

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. Just please respect that I have my reasons,” I say.

“Why won’t you tell me them? These reason made you want to do something you couldn’t ever return from! Why won’t you tell me? Please, just help me understand.” Ashley’s eyes start to fill with tears once again.

“I can’t tell you, Ashley.

Before Ashley can say anything else, Jinxx puts a hand on Ashley’s shoulder.

“It’s been a long night for Rain. Why don’t we all get to bed?” he says softly.

Ashley opens his mouth to argue but as he looks at my tear filled eyes, he closes it.

“You’re right, Jinxx. Come on, Rain. You can sleep in my bed,” Ashley whispers, his voice strained.

He takes his hand off my shoulders and grabs my hand instead. I don’t look at anything but the floor as he leads me to what I assume to be the sleeping quarters. I don’t look up until he lets go of my hand. Ashley opens up the drawer of a built in dresser and rifles through it. He pulls out some grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt.

“Here are some clothes you can sleep in. The bathroom is right there,” he points to a door to the right of me, “but I don’t trust you to go in there by yourself. Not after what you tried to just do.”

I want to argue, tell him I won’t do anything stupid, but I know I owe him at least this. I had put him through hell and back in just a few mere moments and the least I can do is let him keep me safe from myself. Honestly, I don’t even know what I would do if I was left alone. He was smart in wanting to watch me.

I nod in response to Ashley and walk to the door he had pointed out. Ashley trails behind me.
He shuts the door once we are both in the bathroom and I ask him to close his eyes so I can quickly change. The clothes are baggy and fall off of my skinny figure, but they’ll have to do.

“You can open your eyes now. Would you happen to have an extra toothbrush?” I ask.

Ashley nods and reaches under the sink to pull out a package of toothbrushes. He hands me one and I quickly brush my teeth. I glance up at my reflection to find empty green eyes, a tear streaked face and knotty black hair. I almost don’t recognize the girl in the mirror. I quickly look back down at the sink as I can’t look at Ashley either. His eyes reflect the ones of someone tortured within and I know that it is my fault for it.

I finish brushing my teeth and let Ashley lead my back to the beds. He shows me the bunk that I am to sleep in. It’s about a twin size bed and it’s the bottom bunk. I immediately crawl into it. It’s been a long day and I’m exhausted.

“You need to try and get some sleep, okay? I’ll be out on the couch if you need anything,” Ashley croaks.

The thought of sleeping alone while I’m in such a state nearly sends me into a panic. I know I won’t be able to sleep and if I do, only nightmares will ensue. I don’t want to feel the terror I do on a nightly basis when there’s a chance to help it.

“Please stay. Please. I don’t care if we sleep on the couch. I just can’t be alone tonight. Please don’t leave me,” I cry out.

Ashley looks at me with a pained look.

“Of course I’ll stay with you baby girl. I know I wasn’t there for you the past few months but I’m here now, and I’m not leaving you again.”

Ashley crawls into the bed with me and I curl up into his side, feeling an immediate comfort. He wraps an arm around me and strokes my hair with the other.

“Go to sleep Rain, I’ll be here all night, okay?” Ashley whispers.

I nod and I try to sleep. I really do try, but my brain won’t shut down. The events of the day ran through my head. I had failed to kill myself and I was saved, if you can call that being saved, but my old best friend’s band mate. I can’t deny that I was happy to be reunited with Ashley but I’m ashamed of the reasons I was.

The need to apologize for the grief I put him through wells up in me. I can’t tell if Ashley is asleep but I try to speak anyways.

“Ashley?” I whisper.

The reply is a soft hum.

“I-I’m sorry,” I whisper and I can feel the wetness forming in my eyes and I can feel the burn in my nose.

“Rain, don’t. We can talk tomorrow. Just try to sleep baby girl. I’m right here, okay? I’m right here.”

I nod and curl up tighter to Ashley. I find myself soon falling asleep to a world of darkness and terror.

Notes