Twisted

I woke up sometime in the late night, seeing as though it was dark outside, but the overhead theater lights were shinning dimly. My open mouth gasped for air, but I was able to capture only some. My body started to go into a full on panic attack as I messed around with the buttons on my oxygen tank, working hastily to detach my cannula. I slid off the couch and onto the floor with a loud thud, hoping that the level in height would help me figure it out. But my mind wasn’t processing anything. My hands shook, my heart beat was quicker than what it usually was, and I was starting to feel lightheaded from the lack of oxygen in my body.

“I can’t breathe…” I mumbled to myself, feeling my tears well up. “I can’t breathe…” I repeated again, slamming my palm onto the Oak wood floor.

“Annah?!” Eli’s voice belted out from down the hallway. His footsteps made thundering sounds as they smacked against the floor. “Annah!” He yelled more urgently this time. He skidded into the living room and he saw me sitting on the floor, hovering over my oxygen tank, helpless. I didn’t look up at him until his fingers tightly grasped my shoulders and with a firm voice said, “Look at me.” I lifted my head, tears blurring my vision, “Can you breathe?” I shook my head frantically before returning my gaze back to the floor.

“Alright, come on,” he disconnected my cannula from the tank and picked me up swiftly, but carefully. “I’m so sorry, this was my fault,” Eli whispered under his breath. I stared at him in disbelief. How is he blaming this on himself? As if reading my mind he spoke up, “I should have changed your tank, or at least put you on the BiPap before you fell asleep. I’m so sorry.” He walked us backward into the room the CC and I shared and set me down on the bed.

“Take you nubbins out and put this on,” He handed me a odd looking mask and pressed buttons and switched switches to get the BiPap running so I could breathe again. The mask was a different model from the other was I was used to, but they were both nostril masks so it was almost the same concept. After I put the mask on a loud beep sounded and Eli sighed, looking relieved. The oxygen forced its way into my nose and traveled through my airway, quickly restoring all of the oxygen to my heart and brain.

“Thank you,” I forced words out of my mouth because it isn’t easy to talk with the BiPap. I received a nod from Eli as he sat next to me, running both of his hands through his messy, auburn hair. I snapped my fingers to get his attention since talking would take too much energy that I didn’t have. He gazed over at me as I signed “It’s not your fault” to him. A sigh escaped his lips as he signed back “Yes, it is. I forgot.” Since my first time having lung cancer Eli and I both made a solid effort to learn sign language to save my breath, and that’s often what we did in times like this.

“Stop.” I signed angrily, “We haven’t been in a situation like this in a long time. Eli, you’re only human.”

He shook his head at me again, motioning back, “I’m your big brother, and I should know when you need to refill your oxygen. I basically made your breathing worse.”

“You’re human!” I flung my hands in anger. “You make mistakes.” Halfway through signing to Eli, the front door opened and closed, but the two of us ignored it. “I’m not going to blame it on you, if anything it’s my fault. I knew I only had a few hours left on that thing; I should have switched or not fallen asleep.” The two of us got pretty into it; our hands were motioning rapidly at each other when CC walked in the room.

“Hey, guess who’s ho….Whoa, what’s going on here?” A chuckle escaped CC’s lips as he stood at the door, setting his suitcase down on the ground. Eli and I stopped abruptly and stared at him. “No need to give me the cold shoulder,” He pointed out, and he was right, just because I was mad at Eli didn’t mean that I had to take it out on CC too. I stood up and opened up my arms, beaming brightly at him. He walked over to me; a smile lit brightly on his face and wrapped his arms around me. I pressed the side of my head against his chest, squeezing my as tightly as I could.

“I missed you,” He whispered into my hair before kissing the top of my head. I nodded against him and pulled back to sit back down on the bed, tiring quickly. CC did the handshake/hug thing with Eli before sitting behind us in the middle of the bed. Eli helped me replace the tube of my mask so I could turn around and not be tangled in it before he sat back down in his spot.

Eli explained to CC that I couldn’t talk very much with the BiPap running and if I did it would hurt and take up a lot of my energy and filled him in on everything else that’s been going on since he had been on tour. But I didn’t listen to their conversation. Instead my eyes trailed over CC, memorizing his face for what seemed like the last time. His beautiful hazel eyes sparkled even in the low lighting of the room, his thin, pale, pink lips formed to each word he said perfectly. His long black hair, that was usually sprawled loosely over his neck was tied messily back into a bun on the nap of his neck, with a few stray hairs hanging in front of his face. He glanced over at me and caught my gaze, pulling his lips into a smile.

“Hey, man? Do you mind leaving us? I want to spend some time with Annah before she falls asleep again.” CC asked Eli, breaking our gaze to look at him.

“Oh sure, not a problem.” Eli stood from the bed, before touching my arm gently. “I want to show you how to unhook the BiPap; you should know how to use the tank though.” Eli bent down to the BiPap resting on the floor and walked me through the steps of unhooking myself from the machine and how to turn it on and off. “There are some full tanks under the bed if you need them, alright?” I nodded and signed ‘Thank you’ to him.

He turned to leave the room but I grabbed his arm, “Wait.” I stood up from the bed, steadying myself as he walked back over to me. I wrapped my arms around his torso, hugged him tightly and buried my head into his chest. I know I took him by surprise by how hard I was hugging him, but there was something in the back of my mind making sure I got this moment in before it ended. I slid the BiPap off my face, feeling the shortage of oxygen already, but I wanted to say this by myself without help. “You know I love you right?” I asked with pleading eyes.

Eli looked confused, “Well yeah I do. Wh…”

I pressed my hand to his mouth, shaking my head. “Don’t ever forget that I love you, okay? Thank you for being here for me, and thank you for being my big brother. I- I couldn’t have gotten through all of this without you.” Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them back, refusing to cry. Eli’s eyes prodded me, searching for something that I wouldn’t let him see. I just shook my head as he held the back of my head with his hand, holding me in a protective hug that only a brother could give.

I coughed downwards, the lack of oxygen showing through my actions. “Okay,” Eli said softly. He motioned for me to sit back down on the bed and hooked me up to an oxygen tank instead of the BiPap. He set the tank on the bed and kissed the side of my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, and you’ll be happy and healthy again,” he whispered forcefully, but it sounded like he was saying to more to himself than me. I bit my lip and gave him a small smile before he walked out of the room, leaving CC and I alone.

I turned my body to face CC and found him staring at me with a pure radiant smile on his face. “I missed you.” I said to him as he took my hand and played with my fingers.

“Mmm, I missed you too.” He replied. His voice made my heart skip a beat; it was so smooth but raw at the same time, it was a type of voice that would make goose bumps cover your skin. I looked down at our intertwined fingers, both of our palms pressing against the other’s palm. He slid his thumb across my knuckles, then over the back of my hand, drawing little circles on it. I closed my eyes and smiled slightly; I wanted to cherish this moment we had together, because I knew it was going to be out last.

Before I knew it, I pulled my hands away from his hands and placed them on either side of his face, pressing my lips to his. It was a typical ‘welcome home’ kiss, but there was urgency packed behind it; urgency and sadness. Our lips moved in sync with each other, slowly, and passionately. We melted into each other’s touch as my hand trailed down his chest and his trailed up my neck in light movements to cup my jaw.

I don’t know how long the kiss lasted, but I knew I would never be long enough. I had to be the one to pull away, from loss of breath, even with the oxygen tank on. “CC, I love you so much. I don’t even think you realize how much I love you. And I want you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll always stay by your side. I’ll always be with you, in any way that I can.”
I can’t do this.

“I know that you depend on me as much as I depend on you, but th-” Tears started to fall silently down my cheeks as I grasped his hand tightly. “There’s going to be a day where I won’t be here with you physically, but I’ll be with you always.”

I can’t say goodbye to him, not yet.

“Annah? Sweetie, what’s wrong?” CC peered into my face and wiped the tears from my cheeks with his free hand.

“CC, I can’t deny it anymore, and neither can you.” My head shook side to side slowly, “Nobody can live forever, CC, nobody, and fate won’t make any acceptations.”

We still have a life to live! I can’t; I can’t.

“Annah, what are you talking about? You can’t say goodbye now.” CC’s voice broke as he said goodbye. I looked up at him and gazed at him lovingly.

“I have to, CC, I have to.”

“No! No you don’t! Annah, please don’t do this.” Now CC was the one crying. I shook my head, and hugged him tightly. And that’s how we spent the rest of our night, curled up in each other’s arms, pouring every ounce of love into each other.

Around 2 a.m. CC’s breath started to even out and become lighter and more rhythmic. I peered into his sleeping face; it was so peaceful. A small smile bent its way onto my lips as I kissed his forehead gently. “I love you,” I whispered quietly. I took the nubbins out of my nose and settled back into his arms. “Goodnight, Christian Levi Mora. I’ll love you forever, where ever I may be.”

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Slowly and then altogether, that’s how I died. It wasn’t painful, it wasn’t gruesome, and it was an easy death because I knew that the two most important people will always know that I love them and that I care for them. And yet, I didn’t find comfort in leaving them without anything so when they figure out a way, they will find a poem by a man who was labeled as crazy, but was an inspiration to all. They will find it where the two of us had the best time and closest feeling.
Eli will find his in a scrapbook back in our childhood him, wedged between the pages of a photo album. It will be behind a photo of the two of us at my 18th birthday, Eli’s arm securely around my shoulder, with me standing at his side wearing his Green Lantern snapback. CC will find his wedged in between the strings of my bass guitar, which was left at Juliet and Andy’s apartment. When they find this poem, it will show them that it’s okay to move on without me. It will make them see that I am there with them, all the time, because Love can do amazing.

What they will find is a poem that is true to my heart because it describes me both ways around; what they will find is this:
“I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?”

Notes

So, that's it; it's over. I'm not very good at this emotional stuff, but I'll try. Thank you guys so much for reading this story, it means the world to me. I won't be doing a sequel to this, maybe and epilogue, but most likely not. I plan on writing more stories, but until then, I love you guys all so so much. <3