Twisted
Story of My Life
-Annah’s POV-
November 13, 2012
Promises are hard to keep in this world. People who you think you can trust are the people who fake it. They can turn right back around and stab you in the back. They find happiness in your pain, but they’re yet to know that you live in a black hole; a black hole full of things that could lead to your demise. Although, you think of these things, you’d never go through with them, but that doesn’t mean you would step out of harm’s way. In some instances it might be a good idea to stay in the burning breathens of fire that builds upon the walls you call home. But then against, maybe those thoughts aren’t so bad. Trying one of them won’t hurt all that bad, just a bit of damage. It won’t matter in the long run will it? That’s the future, what I need is now. I need an escape method to cope with all my bewildered emotions and ideas. When these feelings bleed out in public, I swear to those poor people that I’m okay, but soon enough reality will be clouded from my vision and I’ll realize nothing was ever really okay.
My whole life changes from that one decision. That one time you think, “Oh, its okay. Seriously, it’s one cut it’ll heal.” It’s the start of an addiction. Everyone starts with their wrists, then it spreads to their stomach, then their legs, but soon enough cutting isn’t enough. Another idea inhabits their mind. Then another adds atop, and then another, and another until you’re left with this mess of a person. It’s always the same cycle. First come the cutting, then the burning, then anorexia or bulimia which is then followed by a type of mental illness called depression. For the lucky ones who skip over depression they inherit anxiety or gravely suicidal. But the most special, unluckiest person of them all claims all of these characteristics. A perfect example of this unlucky person is me. Yeah, the monster lives inside of me; it forces me to do what it wants. I have no say in my life what so ever. It’s so hard for people to not understand what it’s like, but even the people that do understand don’t know how to help.
The urge from the voices telling you where and how deep to cut is overwhelming, but once it’s done every cell in your body thanks them. You thank them yourself for how good it feels it feel again and let the emotions out. Now that you’re stuck in this black hole it seems all too familiar. Weeks ago you swore that you’d never find yourself in the place again, but when did you really believe the words from yourself? If you can’t trust yourself then why would you veer trust others? Sometimes you don’t decide who you trust, if you’re strong enough maybe your heart will choose the right person for you to trust. But that’s for a later subject.
I gently shut my journal, laying it on my lap and sighed. None of this was supposed to happen, none of it. I was supposed to die months ago, months! I’m not supposed to be here, I mean CC had such a beautiful relationship with his girlfriend and I wouldn’t be tearing the band apart. All I wanted to do was go to Warped for once in my life, without problems. But look at where I am now! Engaged and in a hospital, disappointing BVB fans across the US because I had a stupid relapse. I just want to scream, scream of pain, scream of confusion, and scream to let the stress all out. I looked down at my engagement ring, marveling at its simple beauty. It reminded me so much of CC, like the ring, he looked simply gorgeous in exhaustion. No matter what mood he was he was always radiant, it was something I was always jealous of.
A nurse walked in as I was looking around my hospital room for a clock. “Hi, sweetie, I’m Kristie. I’ll be here until about midnight if you need anything.” She smiled at me as she changed out my IV bag.
“Well, actually, do you know what day and time it is?” I asked with hoarse voice.
Kristie looked at her wristwatch, “It’s Monday, about 7:56 pm.”
The corners of my lips turned up in a smile, “Is there a TV remote near?” I asked as I twisted and turned in my bed, making pain erupt throughout my body. I sucked in a breath in pain, settling back in the pillows. I heard Kristie laugh as she turned on the TV and handed the remote to me. “Thank you so much,” I said as I exhaled deeply. Flipping it to the USA network I sighed thankfully that I didn’t miss the start of Monday Night Raw.
“You too? A female too, my son needs to see this. He thinks that women are too scrawny and too petite to have an interest in wrestling.” Kristie said.
“He must not have met me then, I’m the exact opposite! I can’t stand girl who are too weak and scrawny. Yuck.” I shook my head in disgust as I heard a laugh from behind Kristie.
“She’s not lying either. When we were about 15 she planted my ass while wrestling, I had to tap to get out of her hold.” CC laughed, joining in the conversation. “She can throw down.” He smiled at me as he made his way over to me.
“Well, I’ll leave you two to yourselves.” Kristie gave a nod and smiled as she left.
CC lay on the bed next to me with an arm around my shoulders as Raw started. A lot of drama was going on in this episode. Mark Henry was plowed through a barricade by Brock Lesner, Daniel Bryan joined the Wyatt Family, Eva Marie got the shit beat out of her, and so much more. But throughout the show, I could tell CC was on edge about something. After a while I got fed up with it and turned off the TV, which hurt me as much as it did him. (I wanted to be a Diva when I was growing up, I know, stupid.). “Okay, what’s wrong? Don’t even deny it; I know something’s up, so, say it.”
CC turned to me, pain hiding in his eyes. “Okay, don’t hate me for not telling you this sooner. But if the doctor isn’t going to tell you then I will.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You’re pregnant,”
“What?” My eyes lit up, “What? How is that bad ne-”
“I’m just as thrilled as you are, babe, but there’s something else. Your cancer is back, and it’s gotten worse.” My mouth stood agape, eye pricking with water. My breathing became heavy as I shook my head lightly.
“Any…no it can’t.” I said quietly. “They said I was NEC, they said I was NEC. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t.” I turned to him, on the edge of crying. “Tell me it’s not true, please, CC. Tell me it’s not true.” I tried to grab his attention, but it was useless, he was reacting the same way as I was. “CC, look at me. Look at me!” I brushed away the tears that streamed down my cheeks, taking his face in my right hand to make him look at me. “CC, tell me you’re lying. Tell me it’s not true. Please tell me.” Slowly, he looked at me, connecting tearful gazes.
“I’m so sorry.” He said softly. I shook my head, covering my mouth with both of my hands.
“No, no, no.” I said under my breath, “Where’s Eli? I need him. CC, I need Eli to be here with me.” I looked back at him and his eyes said it all. Something happened to Eli too, something bad. “Not Eli, he’s Eli, nothing ever happens to him.” I took a minute to breathe and regroup. I took in a calm breath, “Okay. It’s just another obstacle to overcome. Together.” I took CC’s hand in mine, squeezing it tightly.
He nodded, “Together.” He repeated. He kissed my forehead, enveloping me in his tight embrace. “I’m so sorry, Na. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright, baby. It’s alright.” I kissed his jaw as I sat in his arms. This situation is all too familiar, but still so different because of the circumstances.
November 13, 2012
Promises are hard to keep in this world. People who you think you can trust are the people who fake it. They can turn right back around and stab you in the back. They find happiness in your pain, but they’re yet to know that you live in a black hole; a black hole full of things that could lead to your demise. Although, you think of these things, you’d never go through with them, but that doesn’t mean you would step out of harm’s way. In some instances it might be a good idea to stay in the burning breathens of fire that builds upon the walls you call home. But then against, maybe those thoughts aren’t so bad. Trying one of them won’t hurt all that bad, just a bit of damage. It won’t matter in the long run will it? That’s the future, what I need is now. I need an escape method to cope with all my bewildered emotions and ideas. When these feelings bleed out in public, I swear to those poor people that I’m okay, but soon enough reality will be clouded from my vision and I’ll realize nothing was ever really okay.
My whole life changes from that one decision. That one time you think, “Oh, its okay. Seriously, it’s one cut it’ll heal.” It’s the start of an addiction. Everyone starts with their wrists, then it spreads to their stomach, then their legs, but soon enough cutting isn’t enough. Another idea inhabits their mind. Then another adds atop, and then another, and another until you’re left with this mess of a person. It’s always the same cycle. First come the cutting, then the burning, then anorexia or bulimia which is then followed by a type of mental illness called depression. For the lucky ones who skip over depression they inherit anxiety or gravely suicidal. But the most special, unluckiest person of them all claims all of these characteristics. A perfect example of this unlucky person is me. Yeah, the monster lives inside of me; it forces me to do what it wants. I have no say in my life what so ever. It’s so hard for people to not understand what it’s like, but even the people that do understand don’t know how to help.
The urge from the voices telling you where and how deep to cut is overwhelming, but once it’s done every cell in your body thanks them. You thank them yourself for how good it feels it feel again and let the emotions out. Now that you’re stuck in this black hole it seems all too familiar. Weeks ago you swore that you’d never find yourself in the place again, but when did you really believe the words from yourself? If you can’t trust yourself then why would you veer trust others? Sometimes you don’t decide who you trust, if you’re strong enough maybe your heart will choose the right person for you to trust. But that’s for a later subject.
I gently shut my journal, laying it on my lap and sighed. None of this was supposed to happen, none of it. I was supposed to die months ago, months! I’m not supposed to be here, I mean CC had such a beautiful relationship with his girlfriend and I wouldn’t be tearing the band apart. All I wanted to do was go to Warped for once in my life, without problems. But look at where I am now! Engaged and in a hospital, disappointing BVB fans across the US because I had a stupid relapse. I just want to scream, scream of pain, scream of confusion, and scream to let the stress all out. I looked down at my engagement ring, marveling at its simple beauty. It reminded me so much of CC, like the ring, he looked simply gorgeous in exhaustion. No matter what mood he was he was always radiant, it was something I was always jealous of.
A nurse walked in as I was looking around my hospital room for a clock. “Hi, sweetie, I’m Kristie. I’ll be here until about midnight if you need anything.” She smiled at me as she changed out my IV bag.
“Well, actually, do you know what day and time it is?” I asked with hoarse voice.
Kristie looked at her wristwatch, “It’s Monday, about 7:56 pm.”
The corners of my lips turned up in a smile, “Is there a TV remote near?” I asked as I twisted and turned in my bed, making pain erupt throughout my body. I sucked in a breath in pain, settling back in the pillows. I heard Kristie laugh as she turned on the TV and handed the remote to me. “Thank you so much,” I said as I exhaled deeply. Flipping it to the USA network I sighed thankfully that I didn’t miss the start of Monday Night Raw.
“You too? A female too, my son needs to see this. He thinks that women are too scrawny and too petite to have an interest in wrestling.” Kristie said.
“He must not have met me then, I’m the exact opposite! I can’t stand girl who are too weak and scrawny. Yuck.” I shook my head in disgust as I heard a laugh from behind Kristie.
“She’s not lying either. When we were about 15 she planted my ass while wrestling, I had to tap to get out of her hold.” CC laughed, joining in the conversation. “She can throw down.” He smiled at me as he made his way over to me.
“Well, I’ll leave you two to yourselves.” Kristie gave a nod and smiled as she left.
CC lay on the bed next to me with an arm around my shoulders as Raw started. A lot of drama was going on in this episode. Mark Henry was plowed through a barricade by Brock Lesner, Daniel Bryan joined the Wyatt Family, Eva Marie got the shit beat out of her, and so much more. But throughout the show, I could tell CC was on edge about something. After a while I got fed up with it and turned off the TV, which hurt me as much as it did him. (I wanted to be a Diva when I was growing up, I know, stupid.). “Okay, what’s wrong? Don’t even deny it; I know something’s up, so, say it.”
CC turned to me, pain hiding in his eyes. “Okay, don’t hate me for not telling you this sooner. But if the doctor isn’t going to tell you then I will.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You’re pregnant,”
“What?” My eyes lit up, “What? How is that bad ne-”
“I’m just as thrilled as you are, babe, but there’s something else. Your cancer is back, and it’s gotten worse.” My mouth stood agape, eye pricking with water. My breathing became heavy as I shook my head lightly.
“Any…no it can’t.” I said quietly. “They said I was NEC, they said I was NEC. I can’t go through that again, I just can’t.” I turned to him, on the edge of crying. “Tell me it’s not true, please, CC. Tell me it’s not true.” I tried to grab his attention, but it was useless, he was reacting the same way as I was. “CC, look at me. Look at me!” I brushed away the tears that streamed down my cheeks, taking his face in my right hand to make him look at me. “CC, tell me you’re lying. Tell me it’s not true. Please tell me.” Slowly, he looked at me, connecting tearful gazes.
“I’m so sorry.” He said softly. I shook my head, covering my mouth with both of my hands.
“No, no, no.” I said under my breath, “Where’s Eli? I need him. CC, I need Eli to be here with me.” I looked back at him and his eyes said it all. Something happened to Eli too, something bad. “Not Eli, he’s Eli, nothing ever happens to him.” I took a minute to breathe and regroup. I took in a calm breath, “Okay. It’s just another obstacle to overcome. Together.” I took CC’s hand in mine, squeezing it tightly.
He nodded, “Together.” He repeated. He kissed my forehead, enveloping me in his tight embrace. “I’m so sorry, Na. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright, baby. It’s alright.” I kissed his jaw as I sat in his arms. This situation is all too familiar, but still so different because of the circumstances.
Notes
Merry belated Christmas for those of you who are Christian! To all the others, Happy Holidays! And a Happy New Year!
Excuse my absences, I haven't been all that great these past few weeks, but I love you all.
Thank you for reading and staying so committed to this story c:
He Slapped her?!?
5/24/15