Twisted
What You Went Through
August 17, 2012
I can’t stand it any longer. I just can’t. Eli just went back to the college two weeks ago, calling me each day to make sure I was alright. I can’t keep depending on him. He can’t protect me from everyone and everything. I mean hell, if I call him and tell him I’m mad at the tree that stands in our front yard, he’d come all the way home just to chop it down and tear it to shreds. Yet, whenever I don’t call him and tell him about what’s wrong, I miss him. I mean, it feels inhumanly impossible not to tell him about my problems, and when I do, he tries to carry my burdens along with his by himself. I know he’s strong enough to do it, but it just seems so…wrong. Fuck, why does life have to be so suckish? I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT. I want life to leave me alone, just for one single fucking time. I mean, seriously, why me? The pressure is all too much. My parents expect me to be a perfect child, excel in academics and athletics. They say they want me to express myself in the way that I am, but when I do I can’t! “Be free, honey. We’re on your side always… WHAT? NO GO WASH THAT OUT OF YOUR HAIR NOW.” Or there’s “What in the hell is that in your face? It’s disgusting.” I just don’t understand parents sometimes, or really, ever.
Anyways, different topic before I blow up again. I feel like shit. No, not from my mental fight, nor from my many relapses. It’s- it’s something different. It’s something I’ve never felt before, a different kind of pain that I don’t like. I feel like my leg is literally on fire and that then makes my head hurt like a screaming pain.
Is it possible to get an entire new body? Maybe I could be like the guy from Ghost Rider and sell my soul to the devil. Do you know how fucking cool it would be if I could just burst into flames and kill people by staring them down? Fucking amazing.
But I really don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, and my leg goes numb, but mom and dad aren’t home so I’m forced either to tough it out or call Eli. I’m sure you can guess what choice I made.
December 4, 2012
It finally happened. The unusual pain I talked about in my past entry got to me. It was a few days after the 17th. I woke up gasping for breath, really not being able to suck anything down my airways. I tried to get up, but as I stood my right leg gave out. I remember sitting crumpled on the floor next to my bed, trying to grab for my phone. When I finally got a hold of it the first person I called was Eli. I managed to tell him that I was at home and that I couldn’t walk or breathe. Within a matter of minutes he was by my side, driving me to the hospital. It hurt, it hurt really badly. The nurses got me into examination then almost immediately into a PET scan.
It was cancer. Well, it still is cancer, but that’s not what I’d like to think about. The doctors told me that I have stage four lung cancer, which would explain for the lack of breathing. The cancer grew so rapidly, it moved to my leg, which is why it went numb all the time. I looked over at Eli with a wary eye. He squeezed my hand that he was holding to comfort me and nodded in despair. “We already have some medicine in her system as of now, but we want to start the chemo as soon as possible.” And that’s where I’ve been the last few months; puking my guts up and getting my insides ripped out.
Currently, I’m still at the hospital. I’m hooked up to an oxygen tank thingy, that looks really fucking weird and makes all these weird sounds at night, and IV, and take chemo pills every other week. This week, thankfully, I’m off of them, but it’s the first day of my off week so I’m still puking like crazy. I’m almost NEC (no evidence of cancer) though!
Eli is always by my bedside to comfort me though, I guess it always has to be him since I told the nurses I didn’t want to see my parent when I’m like this. One part of it is because I don’t want to see them be crushed that their only little girl is dying of an illness they didn’t know she inhabited. Another part is because Eli and I got in a fight with them because I didn’t want to see them and didn’t allow them in my room. That basically led me to become really emotional. Eli promised me that it was okay, and that it was going to be gone soon, but I have this sneaking feeling that it isn’t.
January 28, 2013
I’M FINALLY NEC! No more chemo pills, no more surgery, no more oxygen tank (until the end of February at least)! The doctor said he’s releasing me in a week, but throughout the next couple days I have to get used to walking around, then walking without my oxygen tank. But he tells me that I can’t be involved in any lengthy, physical exercise which meant no sports. Smoking was completely off limits as well. Alcohol wasn’t recommended, but I could drink it to ease the pain if needed. However, his one condition was that I was to come straight back to him if I felt the slightest bit of internal pain in my lungs, head, or leg. I nodded, eagerly waiting to get out of this drab place. Day by day, I got better at walking without oxygen and before I knew it I was sitting shotgun in Eli’s car driving back home.
March 1, 2013
Finally off the damned thing. I wish I would’ve taken Eli up on the offer to move into his apartment with him because Mom is driving me up a fucking wall. I don’t know what this entry was for; I guess I’ve depended upon this journal so much that it helps to write everything down. At least it’s not all laid on Eli anymore.
June 4, 2013
One month till Warped, seriously can’t wait. Maybe this is what I need to help me. Between March and now, a lot happened. I relapsed and tried to end it all because of the pain. Luckily, I convinced my parents to let me go to Warped, seeing that it would brighten my mood and I’d be the old me again. And I’m not screwing up this chance to go; I need some girl time with Hannah.
June 20, 2013
It’s coming back, I can feel it. I’m having a harder time breathing in; exhaling is no problem because it relieves the pressure. It hurts worse this time because it’s only my lungs. My leg didn’t ache at all. I considered calling Eli and telling him, but he’d turn me right back around and get me back to the hospital. I need to go to Warped though. I have to. I. Have. To.
I can’t stand it any longer. I just can’t. Eli just went back to the college two weeks ago, calling me each day to make sure I was alright. I can’t keep depending on him. He can’t protect me from everyone and everything. I mean hell, if I call him and tell him I’m mad at the tree that stands in our front yard, he’d come all the way home just to chop it down and tear it to shreds. Yet, whenever I don’t call him and tell him about what’s wrong, I miss him. I mean, it feels inhumanly impossible not to tell him about my problems, and when I do, he tries to carry my burdens along with his by himself. I know he’s strong enough to do it, but it just seems so…wrong. Fuck, why does life have to be so suckish? I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT. I want life to leave me alone, just for one single fucking time. I mean, seriously, why me? The pressure is all too much. My parents expect me to be a perfect child, excel in academics and athletics. They say they want me to express myself in the way that I am, but when I do I can’t! “Be free, honey. We’re on your side always… WHAT? NO GO WASH THAT OUT OF YOUR HAIR NOW.” Or there’s “What in the hell is that in your face? It’s disgusting.” I just don’t understand parents sometimes, or really, ever.
Anyways, different topic before I blow up again. I feel like shit. No, not from my mental fight, nor from my many relapses. It’s- it’s something different. It’s something I’ve never felt before, a different kind of pain that I don’t like. I feel like my leg is literally on fire and that then makes my head hurt like a screaming pain.
Is it possible to get an entire new body? Maybe I could be like the guy from Ghost Rider and sell my soul to the devil. Do you know how fucking cool it would be if I could just burst into flames and kill people by staring them down? Fucking amazing.
But I really don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, and my leg goes numb, but mom and dad aren’t home so I’m forced either to tough it out or call Eli. I’m sure you can guess what choice I made.
December 4, 2012
It finally happened. The unusual pain I talked about in my past entry got to me. It was a few days after the 17th. I woke up gasping for breath, really not being able to suck anything down my airways. I tried to get up, but as I stood my right leg gave out. I remember sitting crumpled on the floor next to my bed, trying to grab for my phone. When I finally got a hold of it the first person I called was Eli. I managed to tell him that I was at home and that I couldn’t walk or breathe. Within a matter of minutes he was by my side, driving me to the hospital. It hurt, it hurt really badly. The nurses got me into examination then almost immediately into a PET scan.
It was cancer. Well, it still is cancer, but that’s not what I’d like to think about. The doctors told me that I have stage four lung cancer, which would explain for the lack of breathing. The cancer grew so rapidly, it moved to my leg, which is why it went numb all the time. I looked over at Eli with a wary eye. He squeezed my hand that he was holding to comfort me and nodded in despair. “We already have some medicine in her system as of now, but we want to start the chemo as soon as possible.” And that’s where I’ve been the last few months; puking my guts up and getting my insides ripped out.
Currently, I’m still at the hospital. I’m hooked up to an oxygen tank thingy, that looks really fucking weird and makes all these weird sounds at night, and IV, and take chemo pills every other week. This week, thankfully, I’m off of them, but it’s the first day of my off week so I’m still puking like crazy. I’m almost NEC (no evidence of cancer) though!
Eli is always by my bedside to comfort me though, I guess it always has to be him since I told the nurses I didn’t want to see my parent when I’m like this. One part of it is because I don’t want to see them be crushed that their only little girl is dying of an illness they didn’t know she inhabited. Another part is because Eli and I got in a fight with them because I didn’t want to see them and didn’t allow them in my room. That basically led me to become really emotional. Eli promised me that it was okay, and that it was going to be gone soon, but I have this sneaking feeling that it isn’t.
January 28, 2013
I’M FINALLY NEC! No more chemo pills, no more surgery, no more oxygen tank (until the end of February at least)! The doctor said he’s releasing me in a week, but throughout the next couple days I have to get used to walking around, then walking without my oxygen tank. But he tells me that I can’t be involved in any lengthy, physical exercise which meant no sports. Smoking was completely off limits as well. Alcohol wasn’t recommended, but I could drink it to ease the pain if needed. However, his one condition was that I was to come straight back to him if I felt the slightest bit of internal pain in my lungs, head, or leg. I nodded, eagerly waiting to get out of this drab place. Day by day, I got better at walking without oxygen and before I knew it I was sitting shotgun in Eli’s car driving back home.
March 1, 2013
Finally off the damned thing. I wish I would’ve taken Eli up on the offer to move into his apartment with him because Mom is driving me up a fucking wall. I don’t know what this entry was for; I guess I’ve depended upon this journal so much that it helps to write everything down. At least it’s not all laid on Eli anymore.
June 4, 2013
One month till Warped, seriously can’t wait. Maybe this is what I need to help me. Between March and now, a lot happened. I relapsed and tried to end it all because of the pain. Luckily, I convinced my parents to let me go to Warped, seeing that it would brighten my mood and I’d be the old me again. And I’m not screwing up this chance to go; I need some girl time with Hannah.
June 20, 2013
It’s coming back, I can feel it. I’m having a harder time breathing in; exhaling is no problem because it relieves the pressure. It hurts worse this time because it’s only my lungs. My leg didn’t ache at all. I considered calling Eli and telling him, but he’d turn me right back around and get me back to the hospital. I need to go to Warped though. I have to. I. Have. To.
Notes
So, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been on a emotional rollercoaster this past month and I can't get off. I've been trying my best not to relapse, and it's going pretty well.But, before I wrote this chapter I didn't know if I wanted to continue this story or not because of lack of inspiration, but I've had some time to reflect on my past and my family's past and I've found some new inspiration to fuel this story. As you can see and as your feels can probably feel right now.
Remember this, I love you all. You're all amazing readers, and without you my story wouldn't be over 10,000 views. Honestly, when I started this I didn't expect much of anything but I am so grateful. I truly thank you all c:
Please leave your comments on what you thought with this chapter in the comments! I want to hear from every single subscriber if I can. :)
He Slapped her?!?
5/24/15