My Fallen Angel

I wandered around the venue as I listened to the guys play, the fans screaming.
I stood side stage, watching them a few moments, my eyes wandering to Ashlandil habitually.
He didn't look like he felt well.
I knew he was feeding, I'd heard CC telling Jake and Jinxx about him wandering off their last show with a red head.
A red head.
Classy, I thought in annoyance, glaring at him. Did he force himself on her too?
Becoming angry, I turned away from the stage and stalked back towards their dressing room, catching a whif of a familiar scent that made me stop in my tracks.
No way.
I sniffed, and then followed her scent, wondering if this was some kind of trap.
What was she doing here? Was burning her alive not enough of a warning? She should feel grateful I didn't rip her body completely in half.
I would next time.
I stepped down a hallway of doors, my footsteps hovering.
I didn't trust her not to attack me from behind.
Her scent stopped.
I frowned in confusion, suddenly unsure.
Where had it gone?
I whirled around as I heard footsteps, tensing.
"Kenali?"
I relaxed as I saw Cronus.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, and I hastily shook my head; had I just imagined it? I didn't want to say anything prematurely.
"No, I was just exploring," I shrugged, hastily walking back down the hallway, a knot of anxiety in my stomach. Was he in danger again?
We had barely stopped her before ---- Ashlandil had nearly died --- I couldn't let that happen again.
Anxiously, I ran towards the stage, tearing past Cronus and to where I could hear the guys talking as they finished playing.
I staggered around the corner, my eyes searching everywhere frantically as I neared them.
Andy saw me first, his laughing face turning serious as he saw my panic.
"Kenna?" he demanded, reaching for my hand. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"I --- she --- ?" I couldn't catch my breath, and my chest felt tight, I couldn't breath ---.
"Kenna! Calm down, it's okay!" I could feel his confusion adding to my own, making everything feel so much worse --- was she here? Was she after him? Me? Ashlan? All of us?
I think I was having a panic attack, and I started to crumple, unsure what to do, Andys flicker of fear heightening my panic.
"Kenali!"
I felt Ashlans hands abruptly close over my arms and he was suddenly kneeling in front of me. I could feel how calm he was, how unbothered.
He placed my hand over his heart, the steady beats helping me pull away from the fear.
"That's it, love," he murmured, brushing my hair gently behind my ear. I swallowed, feeling calm, if not a little shaky.
"Now what happened?"
"I smelled her," I whispered, my voice so low only he could hear. "In the venue, I know I did. I looked, but I couldn't find her, and then I was so afraid she had tricked me and she was after you guys ---."
"Kenali, it's okay. We're all safe," Ashlandil assured me, his heart skipping a beat as he realized I meant Seraphine, though he continued to stay blessedly calm.
He took a deep breath, then sighed, his thumb absently stroking my skin where his hands still gripped me.
I pulled away from him, crawling to my feet, Andy watching us worriedly.
Ashlandil rose, looking tired.
"I'll look around," he mumbled, stepping away from all of us, and I watched him walk away down the hall.
Why had he been able to calm me but not Andy?
"What was that about?" I heard CC ask.
"She was having a panic attack, but it's okay now," Andy assured, gripping my hand tightly as I stared after Ashlan, waiting nervously for him to return.
He did after a few minutes, and he shook his head.
"I didn't find anything."
"But ---."
"Think before you freak everyone out," he snapped, and I hesitated, hurt.
"I smelled her, Ashlandil! I did!" I pulled away from Andy, taking a step away from him so he wouldn't get involved in our impending argument.
"Obviously not," he snorted. "You're senses are off with your little sickness that he gave you."
My chest tightened. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what it means!"
I bristled. "How fucking dare you!"
"Guys, hey, cool it down!" Jinxx snapped, looking irritated. "Save it for later."
We both stiffened and turned to glare at each other.
I hated him so much.
Just because he didn't smell her didn't mean she wasn't HERE.
"I hope she is here," I snarled after a moment, "and you realize what an asshole you are!"
"I hope she fucking is! And I'll let her kick your ass next time!"
"I'm the one who saved ---."
"I am so sick of hearing that ---."
"Stop being so cruel to me ---."
"I'm not, you're the one who's being a psychotic bitch!"
"Bitch?" I hissed, furious. "I'm only what you made me!"
"Fuck me for taking care of you then!"
"I never asked you too! I don't NEED you ---."
"You'd be nothing without me!" he hissed, stepping closer to me, and I refused to cower away. "If I had known then what I knew now ---."
"You'd still do it and you know it! You're not as evil as you want everyone to think you are!"
"You don't know shit, Kenali!"
"I've been around so long, I'm pretty sure I do!"
He glared at me, frustrated, and ran his hands through his sweaty hair.
The guys had given up on stopping our fight and had disappeared into the dressing room, the door shut. CC had dragged Andy behind him before he involved himself; this was between us, not anyone else.
"This is all your fault!" I snapped, pain blooming in my chest. "If you had never ---."
"Stop blaming me!" he hissed, making me jump as his red eyes flared at me. "You could have stopped me at any time and you fucking know it! You enjoyed every second that I fucked you!"
He stepped to me threateningly, making me back against the wall, not wanting him close to me.
"You can pretend all you want that you didn't like it, but you did. You liked all the pain," he sneered at me, tugging on my hair sharply. "You liked it when I fucked you in the ass, when I forced your will to mine!"
I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to look at him.
"Get away from me," I whispered.
"You," he leaned closer, his breath hot in my ear, "liked it."
"Get. AWAY!" I shoved at his chest, gritting my teeth. "You ruined everything!"
"How?" he snapped, grabbing my wrists and holding them tightly. "Why was that any different then any other time we've had sex?"
"B-because ----!"
"I didn't put you first like usual? I didn't do whatever you wanted instead? I'm sick of that shit, Kenali! I'm done being your little helper and you not giving two shits about me! All you care about is HIM!"
"He was never cruel to me!" I cried, straining away from him, tears running down my cheeks. "He's never scared me, or forced me to do anything against my will! He's kind, and he actually thinks about other people!"
Ashlandil growled, his grip tightening on my wrists until he cut the circulation off.
I had backed myself into a literal corner between the stage curtain and a pillar, so no one could even see us right now, and my heart thundered in my chest.
I could feel how angry and bitter he was, how much he just wanted me to return his feelings, and I did --- to a point.
"I appreciate everything you've done for me," I sniffled. "All of it. But I never promised to love you and you know that --- you knew who I loved in the beginning and mocked me mercilessly for it; how can you say you love me when you don't even respect me?"
"I did respect you," he whispered. "And it pisses me off that I let myself get attached to a selfish bitch all over again!"
That stung.
I winced, flexing my fingers where they were going numb.
Was I selfish?
I didn't even know anymore.
"Please let go," I stared at his chest. "Just let go of me."
His grip tightened a moment, and my eyes flicked up warningly to his, flaring.
He slowly let go of my wrists.
"I have done so much for you. I've paid for anything you ever wanted, let you into my life. Fuck, I nearly died for you! And all the fuck he has ever done for you is get you banished from heaven and get you tortured here! How can you love him and not me?"
"Stop it!" I pressed my hands over my ears. I couldn't stand to hear anymore! "Just stop, Ashlandil!"
"No, I won't ever stop until I convince you to face the facts!" he wrenched my hands away from my ears and above my head, glaring down at me. "He doesn't love you!"
"You don't know that!" I cried, weeping as I thrashed against his hold. "He does! He's, he's ---."
"He's going to leave you here all alone in this world as soon as his mortal body dies," he snapped, his eyes glowing in the darkness. "He won't come back for you. You're going to be alone!"
"No!" I shrieked, pain radiating through my chest --- some of it was mine, some of it was his.
"Face it!" he hissed, forcing my face up, his hand tightly clamped on my jaw. "I'm all you've got!"
"Why are you doing this? Why are you being so cruel?"
"I'm being honest! I don't want your heart to be broken and you not be prepared for it!"
He was breaking my heart already.
I gave up on struggling against him, just stood there and cried.
"Kenali," he sighed after a moment, losing some of his fervor, "it'll kill you when he leaves."
"You're killing me now."
"I'm protecting you! And it's not like he can even please you, you know that. You'll have to feed twice as much with such a weak angel like him as a food source."
"You don't know that!"
"It didn't take you a week before you were practically starving after sleeping with him," he reminded me. "He won't be enough!"
"you're jealousy is making you pathetic!" I hissed up at him, and his hand tightened painfully on my face.
"I'm pathetic, huh?" he whispered, and I stiffened, seeing the darkness rolling through his gaze; I could feel it on his skin, just like I could before.
"How am I the pathetic one when I can literally touch you and have you begging me for more?" he said, his voice soft and frightening. He let his hand trail down my stomach to the edge of my jeans, and I whimpered.
"Don't!"
"Why not? I'm just a monster right?" he breathed in my ear, and I caught his wrist as he started down my jeans, my nails digging into his skin.
"I don't belong to you! You can't do this to me!"
"Then why do you let me?" he growled, and pressed his lips over mine, his tongue forcing itself into my mouth. One hand curled in my hair, holding me in place against him, and the other one laid against my hip.
I trembled against him, and his kiss gentled, turning warm and soft, caring, and I felt the swarm of emotion rise in his chest for me, his need to not hurt me but make me happy, and cried more.
This was a new method of torture.
He was honestly the only one who sated my hunger, made my toes curl in pleasure, and I hated him for it.
I HATED him!
I shoved against his shoulders, forcing him away from me.
"Stop it! You can't!"
"Then make me stop! Tell me you don't want it!"
"That's not fair!"
"Tell me!" he insisted, eyes boring into mine.
I wanted to, desperately, but I did want it.
What was wrong with me?
I stared up at him, clenching my fists. What was I supposed to do? My sin wanted him to finish what he'd started, to take me against the wall and not stop until neither of us could walk.
But that wasn't how it could be.
Or should be.
He couldn't do this to me.
"My sin wants it," I said after a moment, very aware of his hands on my hips, how one of them kept tracing the hem of my jeans enticingly. "But I don't."
His hands stilled.
"You sate me, Ashlan, you make my hunger go away. But that doesn't mean anything. I won't sleep with you anymore, I won't. It's hurting you, and its hurting me. It's not good for us. I won't do it anymore. I won't. I don't love you enough."
He took a step away from me, looking stricken.
He stared at me a moment, and then walked away from me, his face gray.
I'd just completely broken what was left of his heart.
But I didn't love him, not like he wanted me too.
So why did mine ache so badly too?

Notes