My Fallen Angel

I cried.
I felt disgusting, and I didn't want him to touch me or even look at me; how could he have done that to me?
And how could I have enjoyed it?
I buried my face into the pillow, and his arms tightened around me. He kept whispering how sorry he was over and over but that didn't make it any better, it didn't make me feel any less violated.
I felt sick.
"Is this what you wanted?" I whispered after a moment, my voice thick with tears. "To make me feel this way?"
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, clutching me against him like I would run from him at any moment, and I was tempted. "I lost control, I ---."
"Went dark," I muttered, my body damp with sweat, parts of me hurting like I never knew had been possible. I shifted, and whimpered at the pain; even my thighs burned.
He hadn't been gentle once.
I glanced at the swirls on my skin as they started to fade, shame rushing through me.
I despised the fact I had been so turned on by his dominance I had never climaxed so hard before; the dark in me had loved every second of his awful actions,
I had enjoyed it.
And that's what made it so awful.
I sniffled, but I didn't bother to stop my tears, and Ashlandil squeezed his eyes closed, as if he was the one in physical pain.
He'd made me feel like nothing more then... Then a whore. I'd lost myself so deeply in sin that I had let him dominate me, break my will; I would have said or done whatever he'd wanted just so I could find my relief.
I shuddered, my throat tightening, and I curled up on myself, convinced I would never feel clean again.
"How could you do this to me?" I wept, putting my hands over my face. "How could you?"
I sounded so broken.
"Please, Kenali, please," he pleaded, sounding agonized. "I'm so sorry, please don't cry. Please. God, I never meant to, to ---."
He cut himself off, because he had meant to hurt me. He'd meant to make me feel this way, show who had the real power between the two of us.
Cronus was wrong, I wasn't strong. If I had been, I could've stopped him, not given in so easily because it felt good at the time, my sin taking away my judgement.
It was just as much my fault as it was his.
I'd pushed him, hurt him, and his face had changed --- I'd actually been frightened of the darkness in his soul; if I had just let him go instead of trying to fix it ---.
I was sobbing so loudly I couldn't think anymore, my chest heaving against his as I tried to cry the shame from my body.
But I felt it everywhere, all over me, and I couldn't move without it reminding me that I had enjoyed every painful moment.
I wailed, and Ashlandil held me the entire time, suffering it with me; he thought he loved me, but you didn't do this to someone you loved.
I didn't want him to touch me anymore.
I jerked myself away from him and flailed my way out of the bunk, desperately finding new clothes and pulling them on.
"Kenali---."
"Don't touch me," I hissed, wrenching a new pair of jeans on. "Don't you ever touch me again!"
His face was pained as he scrambled to his feet.
"Don't go," he begged, hands raised in the air like he wanted to stop me, but he didn't dare.
My body hurt so badly I wanted to crumble, and just putting on jeans and bending made my tears run harder. I couldn't even look at him, I couldn't stand the sight of him.
I hated him.
I hated him so much.
I wrenched the door open and ran for the stairs, hearing him call after me.
The bus had stopped at some point, and apparently we were at the venue, the guys all standing and shuffling their things.
"Kenna?" Andy demanded as I nearly fell down the stairs to the first level, running past all of them, desperate to get out of this metal contraption and as far away from Ashlandil as I could manage.
I slung the bus door open and staggered onto the cold streets of London, still weeping uselessly.
I only made it a few steps when he caught me, wrenching me around to face him. I cowered away, squeezing my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to look at him as I sunk down to the ground, feeling the wet of the street seep through my jeans.
"Please," he begged, clutching my arms, kneeling in front of me. "Don't leave me again, Kenali. Please. I'm so sorry, you'll never understand how sorry I am!"
"Guys?" CC looked alarmed as he and the others tumbled off the bus. "What happened, what's wrong?"
"Don't touch me," I squalled, trying to scramble away from him, my heels digging into the wet concrete. "Get AWAY from me!"
"Kenali ---."
I wrenched from his grip and crawled away from him, so desperate to get away from him I would take any chance. I made it to the brick wall and halfway to my feet, Andy immediately at my side, face frightened.
"Kenna?" he demanded, and I stepped away from him, not wanting him to touch me either.
I didn't want to be touched, I felt soiled.
"Don't," Ashlan begged me, still on his knees in a puddle. "Kenali, I'm begging you!"
"You should have thought of that before," I hissed, feeling heat rush over my skin as my anger started to rise above the hurt. "Burn in fucking hell!"
"What the hell is going on?" Jake demanded, stepping between us. "What did you do, Ashley?"
I hated him so much!
I clenched my fists, wanting nothing more then to break him in half, rip his rotting soul in half.
I couldn't stay here.
I couldn't stay with him.
Not if that... If that was what I was going to have to go through. I needed to be stronger then him, so strong he couldn't force me to do anything ever again!
My eyes cut to Cronus where he hesitated on the bus steps.
I needed to know how to use my darkness.


I sat on the bunk, my arms curled around my knees.
The small room was trashed, things thrown everywhere. I hated him, I didn't want him anywhere near me, and the last time he'd tried to talk to me I'd screamed at him until I'd lost my voice and had collapsed into tears.
He had moved out of the room, and I had no idea or care where he was now.
I didn't care.
It didn't seem to matter how many times I showered or how long I stood under the water, I didn't feel okay.
What had he done to me?
Why had that sex been so different?
I didn't understand, but I wanted it to be fixed, for my pain to go away! I clutched at my hair, pulling on it so the awful feeling in my chest might lessen..
What WAS this?
I was angry and hurt and I felt like someone had ripped half of my heart out, or at least the part that mattered.
It hurt so badly.
I squeezed my eyes shut, tempted to rip it out myself so I wouldn't have to feel it again.
I hadn't left this room in two days, and I knew the guys were concerned; they were touring, working, they didn't have time for freak outs like this.
I needed to leave.
My head raised as someone knocked on the door, cautiously opening it. Andy poked his head in gingerly. Glancing at the mess before finally spying me.
He gave me a worried smile. "I brought you something to eat."
"I don't want it."
"Kenna," Andy nudged the door open and slipped inside, a plate of fruit in hand; he knew they were my favorite. "You need to eat something."
"I don't want too," I muttered, watching as he sat the plate on the small table bolted to the floor.
"You need your strength. I don't know what happened, but you don't need to torture yourself."
My eyes flicked to his face and then away, returning to my spot on the floor.
Andy hesitated, then slowly sat down beside me, letting his hands rest in his lap. "You wanna talk about it?"
I shook my head.
He sighed, fiddling with one of his rings as the silence grew. He could sit there for an eternity and I would never tell him what happened; I couldn't even begin to explain to his human mind.
"You should go," I said after a moment. "You have a show."
"We canceled it."
"What?" I looked at him, surprised.
He shrugged. "Ashley can't play right now, so we moved the show to tomorrow."
"What's ---," I started to ask, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to know, he deserved it.
"He's passed out downstairs," Andy answered me anyway. "He's been drunk since you guys started fighting."
I shook my head, looking down again.
"Kenna, what happened?" Andy twisted to look at me. "This can't go on like this."
He went to touch me and I jerked automatically, scooting away from him. His hand hovered a moment, brows furrowing.
"Did he hit you?" he demanded, eyes abruptly blazing.
"No, of course not!" If only it had been that simple.
"Kenna, don't fucking lie to me right now!" he stood, clenching his hands. "If he hit you ---."
"He didn't! Stop!" I curled my hands over my ears; I couldn't deal with him right now!
Andy hesitated, and then knelt in front of me hastily, showing he meant no harm. "Kenna, it's okay, I'm sorry I snapped. But you have to tell me what happened, okay? I want to help you."
"You can't!" I sniffled, feeling tears in my eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me!"
He covered my knee with his warm hand.
"You can tell me," he said gently, my eyes flicking to his hypnotic ones.
But he wouldn't understand.
I didn't understand.
I shook my head, my chest tightening.
"Kenna," Andys voice was calm and soothing. "It's okay. Cmere," he rose, pulling my face against his shoulder as I started to cry. I stiffened at his touch, but relaxed after a moment, turning needingly into his arms.
"Shh," he murmured, rocking me and patting my hair. "Don't cry, you're safe. He can't hurt you."
It wasn't him I was worried about.
I pressed my hot face against his neck, sniffling and trying to control myself.
"My chest hurts," I whispered after a moment. "It aches, and I feel broken. I feel so guilty and sad and resentful and I can't understand why and I --- I HATE him so much!"
I hate him!
Andy frowned in my hair, still rocking me slowly.
"Sounds like a broken heart to me," he sighed after a moment.
A broken heart?
That didn't make sense.
I wasn't the one with a broken heart, he was!
I clenched my eyes closed, the pain blossoming in my chest again. Why did I feel this way?
I opened my eyes, staring at the inside of my wrist, seeing the black veins pulsing there.
I didn't want to feel like this; I didn't want to feel at all!
I needed a distraction, anything to stop this torment.
Andy started to hum softly, the rumble soothing , and I felt some of my nerves calm.
I sighed, Andys scent wafting over me.
Cigarettes and cologne.
He was always the same.
"Better?" he murmured when my tears dried, and I nodded, wiping my eyes.
"Good, now why don't you get something to eat?" he suggested, leaning away from me.
I wasn't hungry whatsoever.
I wouldn't be for a while.
I cast my eyes up to his face, seeing the delicate curves of his cheekbones.
Why did I love him so much? He'd never done anything for me, and the love I felt for him had ruined mine and Ashlandils relationship. Why couldn't I love Ashlandil instead?
Why couldn't I love them both?
Why did I even have to love?
"Kenna?" Andy asked uncertainly as I trailed my fingers across his cheek sadly.
He had a good heart, he meant well.
He didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I sighed, letting my hand drop from his face and into my lap, feeling forlorn.
I wanted to go home.
I never should have Fell.
I shouldn't have come down here.
"Kenna?" Andy slipped his finger under my chin, turning my face back to his. "What's wrong? Let me help you, please."
He was so sweet.
"You can't help, Andy," I murmured, gazing at his lips. "There's nothing you can do to make this go away."
Except dull it for a while, my mind reminded me, but I shook it off.
I'd just fixed the issue with him, I didn't need to bring it back.
"I could if you would let me in," he murmured. "Don't shut me out."
I sighed, and turned my face away from him.
I couldn't.
He would die soon and I was going to be left all alone.
"Kenna!"
I glanced up at his irritated face.
"Just leave, Andy," I mumbled, pulling myself away from him before I let my temptations take hold. I couldn't afford anymore heartache without falling apart.
I should have let Theda kill me.
"But I want to help. I won't let you sit up here and suffer silently. I can help you if you would just let me in, Kenna. Let me in."
"You want in?" I turned my gaze to his, my temper flicking irrationally. "You couldn't handle it!"
"You underestimate ---."
I crushed my lips against his abruptly, angrily, my hand pulling tautly at his hair so I knew it hurt. He gasped, and went to pull away from me, but I didn't let him, wrapping my arm around his neck and forcing him against me, my tongue slipping between his parted lips.
I poured all my anger into the kiss, all my frustration and pain, "letting him in" as he wanted.
He leaned into me, giving in after a moment, cupping my face as he forced me to gentle the kiss, nibbling gently at my lower lip.
Confused, I pulled away from him, gasping for breath.
Why wasn't he leaving?
He was supposed to leave!
"You can't scare me, Kenali," he murmured, eyes on mine as he caressed my face. "Or push me away. I'm here for you, got it? I won't let you go through anything alone."
And he kissed me again, just as gently, and slowly I felt the pain in my chest start to subside, replaced by a softer, warmer feeling that I didn't fully understand.
Andys tongue dipped into my mouth slowly, carefully, and he let his fingers tangle in my hair, not hurting me at all.
What was he doing?
I pressed closer to him, wanting the rest of the bad feelings to go away, and he let me, his arms curling around me as I crawled into his lap, kissing him deeply, one hand cradling my head and the other resting on my thigh.
I love you so much, I thought, moaning softly against his lips. But I don't want to anymore.
I didn't want to love him anymore.
I didn't want to even love.
Andy made a pained sound, and he pulled his lips from mine, breathing deeply.
"I'm sorry," he gasped, "I'm sorry."
"What for?" I stared at him in surprise. Why had he stopped?
He stared down at me, and then away.
He abruptly stood, holding me so I didn't fall into the floor. "I need you to come with me."
"Where?" I frowned as he threaded his fingers through mine.
"I know a place," he murmured, "somewhere that might help. Do you trust me?"
I hesitated.
Did I?
After all that I'd learned?
"Yes," I said after a moment.
"Then come with me."
I nodded, and I let him lead me out of the room. Most of the guys were sleeping in the bunks, and we passed Ashlandils unconscious form on the couch as we swept towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
I glanced over as we stepped off the bus, seeing Cronus outside it, his arms crossed.
"I have to go for a little while," I said after a moment, Andys fingers threaded through mine. "Cover for us?"
Cronus shrugged, turning his gaze away from us.
I wasn't sure if that was a yes or a no.
Andy tugged on my hand, and I let him lead me forward through the winding, cold London streets. We walked in silence, and I felt kind of numb right now.
"A church?" I muttered when we stopped walking in front of a huge cathedral, the building radiating strength and spiritual aura.
"It's one of the oldest in England," Andy looked up at it, longing crossing his face. "I come here whenever we're in town. There's a priest here named Samuel who has helped me through some shit. He might be able to help you too."
I doubted it, but the gesture was nice.
Andy pulled me forward toward the large, old doors.
I bit my lip as we neared them, feeling the wash of spiritualism. God was very strong in this place, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be in it or not.
We stepped through the door, and I felt even more suffocated the closer we drew to the altar, a man with long blonde hair standing at it, his back to us.
"Father Samuel?"
The man turned to glance over his shoulder, and gave a smile as he recognized Andy.
"Andrew! What a surprise, I heard you were..." his deep voice trailed off as he saw me, blue eyes narrowing.
"Father, this is my friend Kenna," Andy introduced me, unaware how choked I was starting to feel; I couldn't breathe in here. "She needs your help."
Father Samuel turned to face me in all his black robes, and I swallowed, wilting beneath his gaze.
Iriel.
What was he doing here?
HOW was he here?
"I see. What does she need help with?"
I strained against Andys hand, starting to gasp for air. Tears started down my cheeks, and I started shaking; I couldn't be in here!
"Kenna!" Andy looked alarmed as I started down to my knees with a whimper, choking. He went with me, and Iriel knelt in front of us with a knowing expression.
"Kenna, what's wrong?" Andy sounded frightened. "Your veins!"
I looked down, seeing the blackness spreading across the top of my hands.
Please, I prayed, bowing my head, if this is deserved, then let it destroy me, Father. I only came here to save him, not for all this pain! I only wanted to save him...!
I could suddenly breathe.
I took a deep breath with a gasp, the choking feeling suddenly disappearing.
I felt like I'd just surfaced from somewhere deep.
Iriels brows raised to his blonde hairline.
"Let me have some time with your friend, Andrew," he ordered abruptly, Andy giving him a worried look. "She does need spiritual help."
"I think she needs a hospital!"
"Andrew," Iriel lightly touched Andys hand. "Let me be with her for a couple hours."
Andy nodded complacently, and rose to his feet. He walked down to one of the far aisles, sitting down on a pew.
"What has happened to you, Kenali?" Iriel murmured as I raised my head weakly. "Why have you Fallen?"
"I came to save Andiel," I rasped weakly. "Seraphine was... She was going to take away his gift and... I stopped her."
"At the risk of Heaven?" he stared at me, and frowned. "You love him."
"I thought so." I watched the black crawl up my arms. "But it doesn't seem worth it now; this world is so awful."
"Kenali, how long have you been here?"
"A couple months?" I tried to remember. "Not quite a year."
"Have you... Gone dark?"
I hesitated, then nodded. "Once. Seraphine was going to kill Ashlandil and I --- I lost control."
"Ashlandil," Iriel sighed. "I'm not surprised. Have you two been together?"
"What do you mean?" Why was I so tired? I felt like I was sinking.
"Have you fornicated with him?"
I curled my nose at the term, but nodded.
"It seems he gave this to you then," Iriel grumbled, touching the dark marks on my skin.
"But we've beem together for so long," I mumbled, my eyes drooping. "Why is it...?"
Iriel caught me as I collapsed, looking surprised.
"Kenali?"
I was so tired, I didn't want to talk anymore.
It was so strange, and I felt like I was drowning, but it wasn't painful.
And if this would make the pain go away...
I let my eyes close blissfully.

Notes