My Fallen Angel

He was pissing me off.
I scowled as I watched Andy gaze off through the window of the bus as we tried to get through city traffic towards the venue. It had been a week now and he'd still avoided me at every single cost, and I didn't understand.
I glanced around, all of the guys busy doing their own thing, even Ashley was preoccupied with someone on the phone.
I watched Andy as he shifted, and then got to his feet, staring straight ahead as he walked toward the back of the bus, and after a moment I got to my feet and followed him.
"Andy" I called, but he completely ignored me.
"Do we have a problem or something?" I asked, grabbing his arm and pulling him around. He jerked away from me immediately as if I'd scalded him.
I curled my fingers, trying to keep the hurt from my face as he slowly turned around, still not looking at me.
"Andy? Did I do something wrong?" I asked, gazing at him. It was driving me crazy that he wouldn't look or speak to me if he didn't have too.
"No," he muttered, staring at his feet.
"Then why are you acting this way toward me?" I demanded, my fingers itching to touch him where I could force the truth from him. I had Fallen for him, given up everything so I could come to this awful place and protect him --- I would not tolerate him being so hurtful!
I was past that now with Ashlandil, so I wasn't going to start it with him.
So.
"I'm not acting any way, Kenna."
And he kept lying to me.
I glared at him unhappily.
"You are! You ignore me, and avoid me, and try to get out of the same room as me as quick as you possibly can," my throat tightened slightly. "And if I've done something to upset you somehow I truly am sorry!"
"Kenna, no, I --- it's not like that," he started hastily, as if realizing I was about to cry. "Please ---."
"Then why do you suddenly hate me?" I mopped hastily at my face. "What did I do?"
Andy stared at me, his expression stricken.
"I don't know, " he said after a minute, as if he was struggling to figure out what to say. "But every time I look at you I feel..."
"Scared?" I whispered, needing to hear him say it.
"Guilty."
What? That wasn't the answer I expected.
I frowned at him. "Guilty?"
He nodded, looking down again.
"I don't know why, but whenever I see you or think of you or someone mentions you, I --- I can't breathe sometimes. It's like something happened to you and I caused it or couldn't help you but I don't know what it is or what I could've done, and I just feel so much fucking guilt it's driving me crazy!"
He looked so frustrated with himself.
I stared at him.
"Oh, Andy, you mustn't ever feel guilty," I whispered, wanting to hold him. "The things that happen to me here are never your fault."
"You say that like you know what's wrong with me," he muttered, his eyes meeting mine for a brief second before flicking back down.
"I do. And it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have done anything for me," I said softly, moving closer to him. "So please do not blame yourself, Andiel. Please."
His body jerked as I spoke his angelic name, and his eyes flashed to mine, wide. "That-that name ---."
I sighed, close enough now where I could touch him. I raised my hand to his face, caressing his cheek with my finger tips, and he sighed, eyes glazing as he gave in gladly. He pressed his face against my palm, nuzzling my skin.
"Feel no more guilt, my dear." I murmured, wanting him to be happy again. "Do not worry yourself over it any longer. Just know that I am safe and carefree and everything is okay right now."
"Nothing lasts forever," he whispered, eyelids drooping.
"Nothing is meant too. That is why you must enjoy your happy days to the fullest while you can, not squander them with bad feelings."
His eyes closed fully, and then opened again, the blue now impossibly deep, like the night sky.
"Thank you, Kenali, for looking after me," he suddenly murmured, and I jerked, looking up at him in surprise.
Andiel?
"You don't know how much I've missed you," he said, tangling a hand in my red curls. "How badly I've wanted to run my fingers through your hair."
My eyes widened.
"Andiel?" I whispered.
He gave a sort of sad half-smile.
"In the flesh," he murmured, stroking my face with his fingers gently. "I don't have consciousness long. It's only around you," he marveled. "You bring me out of my slumber."
"Andiel," I breathed. "So it really has been you!"
"Yes."
He really had been there all those times before! It hadn't been my wishful thinking, it had really been him speaking to me.
I bit my lip.
If only he could stay!
I watched as the deep blue started to disappear, and I dropped my hand as Andys eyes glazed over, and then returned to normal.
He blinked a couple times, his typical expression of confusion returning.
"What did I say?"
I took a few steps back from him, unable to speak.
I wanted Andiel so badly I could cry. I wanted to tell him I loved him and show him how much and touch him and kiss him and --- I couldn't do any of those things and it would never be possible for us too.
He would always be human here.
And I wouldn't dare do anything that would jeopardize that for him.
I turned away, mumbling about a nap, and crawled into my bunk.
I closed my eyes and buried my face into the pillow, tears seeping under my lashes
. I loved him so much.
Why couldn't I be with him?

Notes