My Darkest Desire

"I need you to make me a promise.." Andy stared at you for a moment before nodding. "Promise me that you won't judge me.. Promise me you won't walk out on me.. Above all though, promise me you won't freak out." You gazed at him, wiped the drying tears from your eyes, & waited for his response.
"I promise." He said after a moment of silence. Nodding & squeezing your trembling hand that was wrapped up tightly in his. You let out a shaky breath & looked down at your old bed spread, scared to even look at him as you tell your tale.
"I was in High School when it started. Senior year, I believe. That was when I first met him. His name was Jeff, he was new to our school. He was an odd kid. Rebelious, off-the-wall, & against the grain. He never really cared about anything. Nothing, that is, except for causing riots. Pissing people off, breaking the rules (& sometimes even the law), music, & being the 'Anarchist he truly was' as he put it.. He never wore anything other than baggy torn up Tripp pants, old worn out band shirts, boots, & a beanie. & I never saw him with out a cigarette between his fingers or in his mouth, & his ipod in his hand. He was the Grunge / Punk bad boy all the guys wanted to befriend or wanted to be, & the guy all the girls wanted. Mainly because he was the type that'd piss off their Fathers if he so much as showed up on the front porch.."
You paused, shaking your head as you thought of him. Your stomache began to churn as memory after memory came flooding back. The butterflies that were once there because of him had turned into wasps, making you feel ill whenever even his name crossed your mind.
"To be honest, he wasn't all that different from me at the time. I was in my rebelious stage around the time he showed up. I hated everything. School, the people around me / people in general, my family, myself.. All that mattered to me after a while was causing trouble. Stirring the pot, starting fights, destroying shit, pissing off my parents. That was my favorite, pissing off my over bearing Father who only cared about shoving the bible down the throats of myself & my younger brother & my Mother who never wanted to get involved. All she ever did was what he wanted, even if that meant her own flesh & blood were miserable.. I was angry. Angry at the world, I was at that age after all. & So was he.
So, when he suddenly walked up to me in the hall one day & asked if I wanted to skip school & hang out with him & some his friends, I didn't even hesitate. I said 'Hell yes', grabbed my shit, & walked out. & God, do I wish I would have said no..
We ended up hanging out in the parking lot of an old, run down strip mall that looked like it had survived an apocalypse, with nothing but two tucks & a couple cars all parked in one of the back corners. In the bed of one of those trucks sat about 15 kids, all squished together, sitting on eachothers laps & what not.. Listening to loud music, & passing around, what looked like, a glass pipe.. I should have known right then to fake being sick or something, anything to get the hell out of there, but I didn't. Instead, I just let him drag me into the shit storm that was the next few years of my life. The worst few years of my life.."
"What happened?" Andy asked, his face (pale as a ghost) showing so many different emotions, you couldn't even pick them all out.
"I got high for the first time that night.. At least, I got high on weed for the first time that night.." Realization flashed across Andy's face.
"Oh shit.."
"Yeah.. I know." Your voice cracked as you spoke. "That was only the begining though. Later that night, when he took me home, & thank god he did since I was blazed out of my mind. Before I could get out of the car, he kissed me. Told me he liked my spunk, my 'Fuck you' adittude, & he asked me out. To high to really even think about it, I of course said sure. Why not? He was my perfect match. & I knew for a fact he'd give my father a heartattack, which was something I was really reallllly looking forward to. Besides, to me, he seemed kind of sweet. He had kissed me, but didn't go any farther. He had opened the door for me when I went to get in & out of the car. He was kind of a gentleman under that tough exterior, or so I thought. Boy, was I wrong..
"Our date went well & we ended up dating after that for about three, four months, maybe. & It was perfect, our so it seemed. Just two kids in love, the two of us against the world. With out middle fingers in the air & our free hands in eachothers. Or holding a joint.. Or a bottle of pills.. I didn't care about the drugs though, I had a man that treated me like a queen, & he was my king. My parnter in crime. Until the day came when he wanted to do something a little heavier. Coke.." Tears rolled down your cheeks as it all came back to you. Andy slowly wrapped an arm around your waist & pulled you closer to him.
"I didn't want to do it, but I was young.. Naive, & terrified of losing the man I thought was my one true.. He said 'If you love me, you'll do it with me" & I couldn't say no.. In that moment, he found the magic words to keep me wrapped around his little finger.. 'If you love me, you will/would.' & I always did..
"That's only the begining though.. Not long after that night, he started bringing up the fact that we had been together for months now, but we had never been intimate. He obsessed over it, day after day after day he would talk about it. 'Come on, Babe.. Don't you want to?' & 'This is the longest I've ever gone with out sex.. Can't we do something?' was all I heard for weeks. I had never been intimate before.. I hadn't even done more that making out before. So the thought of sex terrified me.. He wouldn't let up though.
"So one night, when his parents were at work & we were home alone, & he was tired of waiting. He tried to force it. We had been having a lovely night, & at the time being, we cuddling & watching a movie. When suddenly, he started trying to feel me up. I smacked his hand away, of course, thinking he was just being playful. He tried again though, multiple times. I told him to stop, I told him no, I even moved away from him. He wouldn't give up though, so when I'd finally had enough. I got up & went to grab my bag & jacket so I could leave. I didn't want to be alone with him anymore, even if that meant walking home & pissing him off, so be it. Before I could though, he was right behind me." A flashback began playing in your mind, the memory of that night, clear as day behind your eyes as you told Andy what happened.
"Babe, what are you doing?" Jeff's gruff voice called, rough from the pot you had just smoked. You sighed & shook your head as you slipped your jacket on & slung your backpack over your shoulder.
"I'm going home, Jeff. I'm not comfortable. I'm not ready for this." You responded, turning to him, then heading for the door. He grabbed you by the arm, preventing your exit.
"Come on, Baby. I-"
"No, Jeff. I've told you & told you, I'm not ready for this yet, but you never listen. You're too preoccupied with what's important to you & your dick & not what's important to me." You seethed, wrenching your arm away from him & shooting a glare in his direction. "If you cared for me, you'd wait, but no. You can't even last four measley months without fucking.. Oh no, I lied. Two & a half, because the last month & a half, you've been talking about it & begging me for it none stop." Venom dripped from every word you spat at him, you were livid. No means fucking no. You turned your back to him, & stormed to the door. Stopping just when you grabbed the handle, after hearing the next thing out of his mouth.
"At least I want to be intimate with my girlfriend. I love her enough to want to perform the ultimate act of love.. Too bad she doesn't love me back. If she did, she'd want it too." His words pierced your heart like a dagger, you felt like you had been slapped. Tears sprung to your eyes & you slowly turned back to him with a look of hurt & hatred on your face.
"That's a lie, & you know it.." You hissed between the sobs you were bitting back.
"Prove it then, prove to me you love me.. Don't tell me though, show me." A sinister smirk slowly crept it's way onto his face, though you couldn't see it through the tears blurring your vision. "If you really love me, you would." There they were, the magic words. Taking a deep breath to steady you, you dropped your bag, before slowly making your way back over to him. "That's my girl." He purred, placing his hands on your waist. His words made you sick to your stomache. You knew what he was doing, but it was either go through with it, or lose him. Besides, you were already past the point of no return when you didn't walk out that door.
*Too late to turn back now..* Was all you could think, before his lips enveloped yours in a kiss that was suppose to be sweet & knee weakening, but all it was. Was hollow, & sickening..
You shook your head harshly, hoping to shake the momories from your mind. Andy softly hushed you, brushing stray hairs away from your face & lightly kissing your cheek. He was taking this better than you thought he would, he was completely understanding & supportive. You still had a ways to go though.
"I felt nothing. Nothing at all. No love, no desire, no pleasure. Nothing like friends who had already done it said I would feel. Nothing I thought I would feel. Just nothing. Maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was just him. Maybe it was even me, I don't know, but it was just.. Bad. Hollow. Loveless & empty coupling. Nothing more, nothing less. & It was always that way, it never got any better.
"We were together for about a year after that, & nothing had really changed. Except for the fact that we were living together, we had moved into a small apartment together after graduation, & we were living a life of our own. All our own, since after High School ended, we pretty much cut ties with everyone. Including our families.. That &, Jeff had started acting strangely..
"He was rarely ever home, & when he was he was always pissed off & starting fights. Really bad fights, & usually over ridiculous, petty things. I think what really bothered me though, was how jumpy he was. On the rare occasion we weren't fighting, he was like a scared bunny. Everytime the tv was turned on, everytime i spoke to him or so much as sneezed, every time a door closed, or a dog barked. He'd jump out of his goddamn skin. It was really starting to scare me..
"So one day, when he was out god only knows where, I decided to snoop around a bit. Boy was that a bad idea.. I mean, horrindously bad..
"While I was going through some of our dresser drawers, I found a little tin, Halloween themed pencil box. Hidden amongst his massive pile of band shirts, tucked inside of one of his beanies. I knew right then that if I opened that box, I was going to see something I hoped I would never see, but curiousity overpowered every rational thought in my head.. & I did anyway. The very moment I did, I wanted to throw the damned thing across the room.
"Inside laid about five lighters, multiple outer casings for pens (obviously they were being used as make-shift straws).. & An entire pile of squares of tin foil, each one splattered with what looked like bits of tar, & that's exactly what it was. Black tar fucking herion.. That Bastard was doing fucking herion behind my back.." You ground your teeth together & your hands balled into fists, as what happened next played in your mind like a movie.
You couldn't fucking believe it, that Son of a Bitch.. You slammed the lid shut, absolutely fuming, contemplating whether or not you should confront him, or wait & see if you could catch him in the act later. Before you could even make up your mind though, you heard the front door slam.
"Yo, babe, I'm home!" You heard his voice & went into full fledged panic mode, there wasn't enough time to hide the box again before he'd make it to the bedroom. So you only had one choice, face him, right then & there. You heard his footsteps as he slowly shuffled down the hall, & narrowed your eyes as you waited for him. Livid, yet terrified of how he was going to react. "Where the fuck are yo-" He stopped dead as he reached the door frame, & you watched as the color drained from his face, leaving him ghostly white & looking scared to death.
"What the fuck is this?" Your words dripped with venom, though they were spoken barely over a whisper. He was too petrified to even move, let alone speak. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" You shouted, throwing the little tin box at him. Flicking your wrist as you did so, so it spun like a frisbee & hit him right in the chest before he caught it. "I can't fucking believe you, you goddamned Bastard!" He didn't say a word, just starred at the box in his hand for a moment. Before his entire demeanour changed. He suddenly went ridged, then slowly lifted his head & glared at you menacingly through his eyebrows in a way that closely resembled the Joker. His grip tightened around the container in his hand & he began to stalk towards you. His sudden change horrified you, & in that moment, you knew you were deep shit.
"Why were you going through my things?" His tone was calm, too calm, & you suddenly felt like the victim of a serial killer who was living her last moments. You were too scared to answer, & that pissed him off evern more so than he already was. "Why the FUCK were you going through MY THINGS?!" You nearly jumped out of your skin when he raised his voice, he was furious & you knew it. "Answer me!!" He yelled, his face suddenly inches from yours. You jumped back, terrified of being that close to him. You opened your mouth to answer but all you could do was whimper. "Oh, what? You're going to cry now? I don't know why, you were the one who fucked up after all. I've told you & told you not to touch my shit, but you just couldn't listen. Now look where we are." You glared at him, fire burning in your eyes. He was trying to turn this back on you.
"How dare you.. How goddamn DARE you try & make me the villain in this you Bastard. I'm not the one doing fucking HEROIN behind my girlfriend's back! So don't you fucking DARE TURN THIS BACK ON ME!" You seethed.
"How dare I? How DARE I?!!" Without warning, he threw the tin box in your direction as hard as he could, it missed your face by centimeters & hit the wall behind you. Snapping in half as it made contact & denting the wall, before clattering to the floor, spilling it's contents. You starred at it in horror, shocked that that dent in the wall could have been in your face if he would have aimed a bit more to theto the left. Within what seemed like minutes, but were in fact seconds, he had thrown you into that same wall (hard enough to bruise your spine) & had you pinned to it by your shoulders. "You fucking cunt! Don't you ever speak to me like that again!" Pissed off & terrified to a point you didn't even know existed, you kicked him in the crotch. Causing him to double over & release you, giving you the chance to push him to the ground. Vault over him & run like hell. You didn't make it very far though.. Last thing you remembered, you were making a break for the door. Then, you were lifting yourself up off the floor as someone next to you was chanting 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm for sorry', you were hurting all over & something red was clouding your vision. Blood. That Son of a Bitch had hit you..

Notes

Alright, remember when I said this chapter was going to belong? I wasn't kidding.. & This is only the first half of it. Haha god, what did I get myself into.. Anyway, there are so many damn typos & misspellings in this, I know. I'm sorry, half of you (if not all of you) were probably cringing through the whole thing. I apologize, it's 4am here, I'm half brain dead at the moment but I wanted to atleast get half of this damn thing done today. I've made you wait long enough for it & felt like a total ass for doing so, so I had no time for editing & revising. Sorry..
A huge huge huge thank you to everyone who's read/subscribed/commented/rated/ect. I'm still in awe that people even like this story. Much less over 300 people! I'm still teary over the fact that I have 300+ subscribers, I cried like a baby the other day when I found out. You guys are absoluetly incredible.. & I mean it! I can't thank you enough for all your views & kind words. This story & you guys are seriously the main reason why I'm still here at the time being. Life's been tough recently, but I've got a reason / multiple reasons to keep fighting because of this. So seriously, when I say thank you, I mean it. I'm not just being nice. Anyway, I'm exhausted & rambling. So I'll go now, but I'll be back soon with Part 2! Much Love xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Dahlia <3