A New Kind Of Hell

Devin’s POV

Sleep didn’t meet me tonight, nor the night before. I’ve been awake for like three days straight. Once we got back in a van of our own, I claimed the back. Balz slept next to me. It’s been like this for like the last three weeks. Every night, I would fall asleep for maybe ten minutes and then I would wake up with a nightmare. No matter what I did, the nightmares got worse and worse.

At some point, I stopped to my character that did coke, and just wore a mask. It was pretty creepy, but it hid my face and I liked that. The guys didn’t question me, too much about things. Ricky may ask more questions than the rest, but he ultimately didn’t ask much. He’d ask about what my nightmares were about, and if I wanted to talk about it.

I didn’t want to talk about the nightmares. How could you tell your band mates that your nightmares were about monsters killing them and you, and it repeats every night and each night it gets more and more worse? I lost all appetite to eat, but with Balz handing me food, I have to eat whatever he gives me.

If it weren’t for the endless amount of energy drinks I’ve had, I think I would have passed out a long time ago. It’s so bad that 1-2 Xanaxs don’t help anymore. I have to take 3 Xanax to feel any relief. The guys don’t know how to help me, nor do they know that I have Xanax. To their knowledge, I no longer used it nor was I dependent on it, due to my previous addiction with it.

Zoning back into reality, I followed Balz out of the van and to the venue. Once we had the agenda for today, I told Ryan I was going to go on a walk to the store to get some stuff. He offered to go with me, but I told him I wanted to go alone. Grabbing my phone and jacket, I left and tried to avoid anybody else who would ask where I was going.

Going into the drug store, I filled my Xanax prescription and waited for it. As I was waiting, I went down the isle to look at sleeping medication. After three days, I was desperate for sleep that would be anything but terrible. Finding some different types, I grabbed a few bottles and bought them before getting my prescription and some food. Going into another store, I bought some shit I saw and that was cool before going back to the venue. I hadn’t been gone long, so no one could bitch at me for being gone. Hiding all the new pills in my pill bag, which was in the van, I went inside and hung out with the guys.

As dead tired as I was, I tried not to show it. I had a job to do, and my physical condition and mentality would not prevent me from doing what I was supposed to do. The guys had lunch on a table and waved me over. Sitting beside Balz on the couch, I asked what they had. “Subway.” Ricky answered. Ryan tossed me a sandwich and said, “its your favorite.” I nodded and unwrapped it. Taking a small bite, I ate slowly. I barely ate any and was full. Balz looked at the stuff I barely touched and said so that only I could hear, “dev.” I looked at him and whispered back, “I’m not hungry right now. I’ll finish it later or something.” He nodded and said, “I’ll hold you to it.”

Luckily we all got distracted and had to go and do sound check. Apparently there was a fridge around here, and of course the leftover food was put in it. Running through sound check, we played a few songs and made sure everything would run smoothly. I was a little bit hungry after that so I had another bite of my sandwich before putting it back and running off to go get ready for tonight.

After getting ready, I found a couch in a random area and lay down. Closing my eyes, I was out within minutes.

Balz’s POV

Devin went out to the store while Ryan, Ricky, and I went to bring back food. Ordering everyone lunch, we sat down and waited for them to make all the sandwiches. “Devin’s really worrying me now.” Ricky said. I nodded. “He’s barely sleeping. Calling him a zombie doesn’t describe how bad it really is.”

“Every time he falls asleep, he wakes up not long after because of a nightmare. I wish we could do something and be more helpful.” I said.

“It’s getting bad. I know we said we wouldn’t let this go to far, but look how far this has gone. After we got in that car accident, he hasn’t slept well at all.”

“Didn’t he fall of the bench when we crashed?” I asked.

“Yeah, he was asleep when it happened. Maybe his body is all freaked out that the van is going to crash while he is asleep.” Ricky said.

“Maybe.” Ryan agreed.

After we ordered everyone’s food, we went back to the venue. Devin wasn’t back yet. Ricky looked around and then said, “band meeting real quick.” We all gathered and waited for him to speak.

“We need to talk about Dev. We said we would not let him fall back down, and I feel that we have done the opposite. He looks like hell, and I feel that we haven’t done enough to help him.”

“Your right about him looking like hell. He’s barely sleeping.” Ryan said.

“Every night, I find him awake, when the rest of us are asleep. He’s hurting and I have no idea how we can help him. I try to be a good friend and help him out but, I don’t know what we can do.” I inputted.


“Can I just say it, Devin still loves Chris. And Chris, you still love him. You were his everything. He needs you. I know things are awkward and stuff, but he needs you. He was the closet to you, and if there is anyone he will talk to, it’d be you.” Vinny said nervously.

“Vinny has a point. Dev was the closet to you.” I pointed out.

“Its not that I don’t want to help, and its not that I don’t care, but I don’t think I can. I know he’s hurting, I see it in his eyes, but I don’t have a choice.” Chris said.

“You don’t have a choice, or your scared?” Ricky said.

“We know that watching him hurt, hurts you. What we don’t get is why you wont intervene.” Ryan said.

“Because if I do, when I eventually have to go, he’s going to hurt worse. I can’t come and sweep him up every time he’s hurting. If we’re going to do this whole separation thing, I cant be the one to pick him up every time he’s hurting. Think about it. Imagine that it was your Ex. That your friends are asking you to go and pick up his broken pieces, and not let things get complicated. You know that if I were the one to help, things we’ve worked for would be shot to shit. You know that if I let myself be close to him, I wouldn’t let go. I can’t let go, it hurts, and I don’t want to walk away. But we have a career, and have worked so hard for it. I can’t let it be thrown away.” He tried to defend.

“Fine. Don’t help him. We will, but when it gets ugly, don’t just waltz in there and pretend we didn’t have this conversation. We can only help him so much, its you that he wants.” Ricky said.

Chris shook his head.

“Ash texted, she said Dev is coming this way, this isn’t over.” I said after reading my phone screen.

Handing out sandwiches, we tried to lighten the mood and not be so serious.

As he came by, we waved him over. When he sat by me, I handed him his food. He barely ate any and claimed he wasn’t hungry. I gave him a look and he said he’d finish it later. When I told him I would hold him it to him, I meant it. I remember when we saw him in the hospital after warped tour, right before court. Seeing him that dehydrated, and that ill, it made something in me realize that if I ever saw him start to fall like that, I could not let that happen. Devin is one of my best friends, and when he’s not over thinking or stuck in his head, we have a lot of fun.

We all went to get ready for sound check once we finished. Afterwards, we all went to get ready for the show. Once I was ready, I sat found Ricky and sat with him. We discussed Chris and how much we wanted to slap him upside the head and smack some sense into him.

As it neared time for the show, we all regrouped. All but Devin, he usually is on time. We texted him but he didn’t answer. We called and he didn’t answer. Splitting up, we all went to find him. After walking for 15 minutes through some hallways and doors, I got lost. Continuing further, I saw someone on a couch. Getting closer, I saw that the person was Devin. Checking my phone, I noted that doors would be opening in the next 15 minutes.

Sending a group text, I told them I found Devin. He was out cold, shaking his solder gently, I tried to wake him. When he didn’t budge, I shook him a bit harder and said his name a bit louder. Again, he didn’t budge. Shaking him harder, he finally woke up. However, when he woke up, he trashed of the couch, fell, and in the process, hit me in the stomach and groin area. Once he hit the floor, he was out again.

Damn, he hits hard I thought to myself as I tried to breathe through the pain and kneeled on the floor. Shaking him softly again, I woke him up, again. This time, he woke up. It took him a moment, but he became aware of his surroundings. He saw me in pain and then asked if he had done it. When I nodded, he apologized over and over again. He slowly got up and helped me up. As we were slowly walking back to the guys, we got lost again, and I managed to hit myself really hard with a door.

Devin gave me a look and shook his head. “Don’t look at me like that.” I said. He laughed and said, “At this rate, I’m going to have to drag you back or carry you back.” I stuck my tongue out at him and said, “I’d prefer to be carried.” He flipped me off and we continued on. When another door almost hit me, he said, “I feel like that if I don’t carry you back, you’re going to knock yourself out and rot away for all of eternity in a random hallway.”



I shook my head no but he somehow picked me up and carried me the last part of the way to the guys. When he put me down, he was out of breath. “I told you not to carry Me.” he shook his head and said, “it’d been easier to leave your ass and make like Ryan and Ricky carry you back.” I laughed and said, “Ricky is even smaller than you. He’s short as shit, he cant pick anything up. God knows how he carries that guitar of his.”

“I HEARD THAT.” He shouted.

“YOU WERE MEANT TO.” I shouted back as I laughed.

We talked and made jokes at my dispense until it was time for us to take the stage. Devin had a smile and seemed to be having a good time. I’d be the boot of the joke any day, if it made him laugh again.

As we took the stage, I patted Dev on the shoulder and smiled at him. It was time to do what we loved.

Notes