Devin’s POV

Tour had been going on for three weeks now. Chris’s tight grip on me had relaxed dramatically when his girlfriend wanted him to spend more time with her, as because she was the merch girl. The guys monitored me to a point, but they knew that I was getting better and did not need to be babied. I still had a few of Chris’s shirts and hoodies that I had brought from home and I wore them often. No one brought it up, and no one questioned it. It simply happened and it did not need to be talked about, and the guys understood that. It was much like how I typically portrayed both genders than just one definable gender. I chose to wear what I wanted and not be defined by what “girl’s were supposed to where, and boys should not wear what girls wear”.

On occasion, I got some sneers and called a “Fag” but I never let it hurt me, well I tried to anyways. It stung but, it was a word brewed in hate and disgust; and I would not let such a word bring me down. Lying on my side, I pulled my blanket up more. Sometimes, I should just avoid social media, but tonight, like every night, I go on and look at it. People complemented my makeup, or my outfit, or just called me “damn beautiful, and more beautiful than they [the commenter] will ever be.” Which I think is bad to say. They are comparing themselves to me, what I appear to be. They see me as a man who does not assign himself to a particular gender, has tattoos, and plays bass. They think they know me but they do not. My band mates know me, and at times there are things they still learn about me.

Things like my childhood were slowly shared over the years. It took a lot of trust, but once they knew more and more of me, I felt more comfortable with them. And in return, they told me about their childhoods. Ricky had grown up in Seattle and moved to Salem when he was 13, a few short years before I had transferred.

Blocking all of the people who sent hate, I reported their accounts and deleted their comments as well as blocked them. To those who then complained about their friends being blocked, I blocked them too. I really did not want to deal with whiny 13 year olds who would constantly say, “omg ur band saved my life.” It really just made me uncomfortable. And the way Chris described it once was something I too felt and understood. If Music truly saved your life, like it did ours, then cool, good for you. But when it’s said nowadays, it’s dropped like “I love you”. The emotional meaning it once had is just gone because so many use it. It may be true for that individual, but as a whole, the phrase lost the weight it once held.

Once I had gone through at least like 250 people, I locked my phone and got out of my bunk. It was almost 11 at night, on one of our off nights. Chris had gone out with his girl, while Balz, Ryan and Ricky went out to get wings. I chose to stay back and catch up on sleep since I always had trouble sleeping on tour. Going to the kitchen area, I looked through the fridge. Looking for the stuff that had my name written on it, I pulled out a box of salad that had been marked, “ghost”. Putting some in a bowl, I sat down and ate it after turning on the TV.

After eating, I went to take my pills. Half paying attention, I poured my usual medications into my hand and went to get a glass of water. It was only after I took them did I stop and think about how they didn’t quite look normal. Thinking nothing of it, I shrugged and sat back down on the couch and watched TV

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Ricky’s POV


Ryan, Balz and I returned from getting wings. The two stayed in the living room area while I went to the bunk area to put my coat and shoes away. Unlike most tours, we were attempting to keep our bus clean, then again we wanted to look clean if Slipknot came off their bus and chilled with us. I was walking out of the bunk area into the living room area when I heard Balz call Ghost, Ghosty. Ghost called him on it and flipped him off that was normal, sitting down at the table with my back to them; I pulled out my phone and played a game. When Balz called for one of us, it was weird. I got up off the seat and pocketed my phone. As soon as I turned around, I saw why he called. Ghost was on the floor curled up into a ball and was whispering and shouting, “No, go away. You can’t hurt me. You’re my imagination. Stop. Stop. Please. Please. Stop. You’re not real. STOP!” he shouted.

Balz tried to get close but Devin pushed him away. Devin then began clawing at his face, pulling on his hair, and pulling at his clothes. He then was on his back and was thrashing on the floor. I bent down and said to him, “Dev, you’re here on the bus, you’re okay. It’s me Ricky. Balz is here with me. Your okay. You are safe.”

Balz then went to go find Chris as I tried to keep Devin from hurting himself, but then we remembered that he had gone out earlier. Dev kept pulling at his stomach and saying, “No. Let go. You can’t do this. I don’t taste good. Stop. Please don’t eat me. Please.”

Balz returned with Vinny who had apparently been in his bunk, Devin began to scream, “ NO. LET GO OF ME. GET OFF OF ME. YOUR’E NOT REAL.” Balz tried to get closer but Devin kicked him in the leg. He looked at me and said, “Get his gray bag. Its plain gray and has all of his medications.”

I quickly ran to the bunk area and went through his stuff to find the bag. He had left his sketchbook open. On the page, there was a monster drawn. Was this what Devin was seeing? Finding the bag Balz described, I brought it back to him. Balz opened the bag and then went through it. He began to curse. “Fucking shit. There’s nothing in here.” I ran back to his bunk and went through ALL of his stuff. There was no trace of his pill bottles anywhere. Instead, there was a pill case. Opening it, it contained no pills. It was really odd. Devin, ALWAYS had his pills, and he always had an extra bottle stashed somewhere incase he lost some along the way.


Balz cursed and then pulled out his phone and dialed Chris.

He put the phone on speaker and waited for Chris to answer. It rang and there was no answer. It went to voicemail. Each time we called, it went to voicemail. We got so desperate that we called his girlfriend’s phone. It too did not answer. Vinny, hunted down our tour manger and asked where Chris had gone out to tonight. Once getting information, he called the restaurant and begged to talk to Chris.

Let’s just say, having to explain to a pissed of Chris (he was mad at first because we interrupted something) that Devin was on the floor freaking out and that Ryan had to pin Dev’s legs down so he couldn’t kick us.

Devin yelled, “your not Balz. You’re not Balz. I know you’re not him. He wouldn’t hurt me. You’re not real, you’re not real.”

I patted Balz on the back before we tried to figure out what to do next. Dev thrashed around some more before finally slowly starting to calm down. His body would still tremble, but he was slowly calming down. Once he was calmer, he was asleep. Ryan and Balz picked him up and carried him to the couch in the common area.

“That’s the worst episode I have ever seen him have, the ones he’s had before were not this bad.” Balz said softly.

Ryan had Devin’s head in his lap and was slowly running his hand through his hair, trying to be soothing. We Knew Devin was going to have issues, but he seemed to be okay. Well, that was until today. Whatever this was, this was not good.

Notes