The amount of embarrassment that I had for waking Chris up at like 3 am was high. It took me twenty minutes to gather my thoughts enough to exit the bathroom and face him. My thoughts were a mess. I could not sleep, I could barely eat, I wanted to sleep forever and forget about life, but I couldn’t. Every time I went to bring my lighter to my skin, I couldn’t, not when I knew Chris was literally 5 feet away. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I was not planning on telling him what happened. My plan was just to go to bed and forget this all happened and try to convince him it was all a dream, but my brain and my mouth had different plans. I began to ramble and slowly I gave him enough pieces to put together. Once it was pieced together, I began to cry.

As much as I wish it weren’t, the safest place for me was in his arms. Even though we cannot be together, and I love him with all that I am and I know that he will protect me from whatever may be there; whether it is my own mind or someone, he will protect me. Falling asleep in his arms, I felt at peace for the first time in weeks. When I felt him move away, I asked him to stay.



The next morning, I woke up with Chris’s arms around me, and my head on his chest. It felt like home. Falling back asleep, I dreamt about back when Chris and me were together. It was one of the times we had gone to the beach. We had been playing in the water when a huge wave came and knocked us down. I surfaced but Chris didn’t. When I didn’t see him, I began to freak out. But a moment later, he was picking me up and pulling me out of the water. He laughed at how loud I screamed when he startled me.

That was a good day. It was one of the last dates we had before we broke up. The memory alone made me smile, I was happy then. When I was with Chris, I was happy, I was healthy, I was so many things, and now I am so many things that are quite the opposite of how I once was.

When I was with Chris, he kept me healthy, I didn’t relapse, and if I had a minor relapse, he was right there alongside me, reassuring me that I would make it past that particular moment. Overall, he was one of the best boyfriends I could have ever had. Hell, he was one of the greatest friends I could ever have.

Which led me to where I was right now. I woke up in Chris’s arms. From what I could tell, he was still asleep. Having no clue on whether or not I should get up or not, I remained where I was. When he woke up, I wouldn’t be in his arms, so I figured, I could enjoy being close to him for as long as I could, before we then again remained strangers once we got back on the bus. When I was in his arms, I felt like I was on cloud 9. I dread the moment he wakes up, because once he’s awake, I wont be in his arms, I wont have my head on his chest, I wont feel loved. I’ll feel the worthlessness that I am. Closing my eyes once again, I focused on his breathing and tried to calm my messy thoughts. As I calmed down, I found myself in a state between dreaming and being awake.

As I lay there, I became aware of Chris waking up. Unfortunately, my body was asleep so I had no control of it, despite being awake. Despite him being awake for some unknown amount of time, he didn’t move me. We lie there for some amount of time before I heard him whisper to himself, “Oh Dev, I wish things were different. I miss the taste of your lips, and your head on my chest. I miss the mornings we woke up together, and the nights we stayed up talking about anything and everything. I miss you.”

My mind was a whirlwind after that. My body eventually caught up with my internal distress and began to shake. It was hard to breathe; it took me a few seconds to realize that I was having a panic attack. When my body was able to finally connect with my mind, I finally woke up. Chris still had his arms around me and was rubbing my back. Tears fell and I could not stop them, despite how hard I tried. He held me close while I broke down. When my breathing became distressed, he said softly, “Breathe with me. In and out. 1 and 2. 3 and 4. You are Safe. I will not let anyone hurt you. Breathe Devin. 1, 2, 3 and 4.”

Following his instructions, I tried to breathe. The lightheadedness I felt before was fading away, in its place was exhaustion. Pushing threw it; I tried to move but was still weakish. “Don’t try to move to much, your body is still worked up. I’ll get you some clothes to put on. Van call is 12; it’s about 11, so we will need to get moving, but if you need help with anything, let me know.” I nodded.

He went to a bag and handed me some clothes, which I put on in the bathroom, when the shirt practically went to my knees, I knew it was Chris’s shirt. Putting my clothes away, I grabbed my makeup bag. Applying eyeliner and eye shadow, I then went to do my eyebrows. Having a shit ton of problems trying to make my eyebrows look decent, I got more and more frustrated. My stupid fucking hand kept shaking and as I tried to draw them on, I would fuck it up. I’d take it off and then try again and I’d do it again. This happened for several minutes before I picked up the free soap they give you in hotels, and chucked it at a wall as hard as I could.

Chris poked his head in the bathroom and saw me frustrated with my makeup. “Do you want me to help you?” I nodded softly and said, “Yes please. My hands are too shaky for me to do it without messing up.” Sitting on the counter, he stood with his legs in between mine. His hand softly rested upon my face as he gently painted on my eyebrows. “Its almost van call.” He said after finishing up my makeup. He smiled and said, “we both wouldn’t have this problem if we didn’t shave off our eyebrows.” I chuckled at what he said and looked down at the floor awkwardly; he had yet to move from where he stood.

“I miss you.” He said softly. Looking up, I said, “I miss you too.” We then held eye contact for what seems like eternity. I got lost in his eyes. The color of his eyes was intoxicating. We remained where we were for what seemed like centuries, the air around as was silent, and nothing was said. He slowly moved closer and closer. The butterflies I started to feel in my stomach went crazy. It seemed slow, but within seconds, his lips were on mine. Kissing back, I felt like I was whole again. My soul was one, all the pain I felt had been reduced to an ache in my chest.

When we broke apart, I felt disappointment. But when his lips reattached themselves to mine, I felt nothing but pleasure. Have I mentioned how good his lip rings feel when he kisses? The cool metal along with his warm lips is something I cannot explain. We kissed and kissed again. At some point, I had pulled him closer and he pulled me close to him as well.

I sat on the edge of the counter with my legs spread apart, with Chris in between my legs. It started of innocent, but it was now far from that. Helping with makeup, due to an unsteady hand, led to a reacquainting of our lips and souls. I held his shirt in my hand as I pulled him as close as I could get him. He kissed back with the same amount of intensity, and it made me feel so warm inside, like all the rainy days had slowly became sun filled.

At some point, I wrapped my legs around him and held him tight as we were making out. Wrapping his arms around me, he picked me up left the bathroom. We continued kissing as he slowly backed his way to the bed. He put me down gently as he then straddled me. We made out more and more, and began to undress each other when his phone rang. Ignoring it, we had removed each other’s belts when my phone rang.

“I’ve been so Numb for so long that I forgot how to feel
So I don’t care if it will break my heart,
Just fuck me till we disappear.

You said you’d never hurt me
Now this is all that we have left
You were supposed to save me
From myself.”

The lyrics to Sinematic sang out. Chris grabbed my phone from the nightstand and handed it to me.

“Dev, van call was like 15 minutes ago, where the fuck are you two?”

“Shit, Chris was helping me with my makeup. We’ll be done soon. Don’t get your panties in a twist Ricky.”

“HA HA, that was so funny. SO funny that I am only giving you two 15 minutes before we leave without you.” Ricky said before hanging up.

“We got 15 minutes before they leave us here.” I said to Chris.


“Oh.” He replied before kissing me again.

We kissed for two more minutes before, it was decided that it was best if we got our shit together fast. It also didn’t help that we were hard. Luckily for me, my LA Kings Jersey covered me to like my mid thigh so I didn’t have to worry. Chris on the other hand, his shirt was too short to cover him.

He somehow got rid of it and we got our bags together and everything packed in about 7 minutes. Before we opened the hotel room door, he and I stood toe to toe and kissed one last time. He held me in his arms and said, “I still care about you Dev, I know your hurting, and I see it in your eyes. I’ve seen it for so long.”

I chose not to speak, because if I did, I was afraid of what I would say. As we were walking down the hall out to the lobby he said, “by the way, nice choice for ring tone.”
I held my head down as I said, “thanks, it was always one of my favorites. The lyrics mean a lot to me, Y’know.”

Oh I knew he knew. Every time we preformed this song on stage, I kind of zoned out and made minor mistakes, never any that the fans would notice, but enough to where Balz and Ricky would send me a mini look, and I would shake it off.

As we got closer to the van, I knew that the last half hour we had, would be nothing more than a memory and would never be mentioned again. Chris has a girl friend. He loves her, he’s better off with her. I just ruined their relationship, he was making out with me while he was with her. Making it to the van with just seconds to spare, we got in and nothing was said. No one questioned why we were late, nor did they mention the tension between Chris and I; and for that I was grateful.

We had like three shows left of this tour, and I just wanted to go home where I could pass time in my room all alone. Reaching into my pill bag, I took my normal medications before taking a full tab of Xanax. It was probably more than I needed, but at this point, I wanted to forget my name.

Notes