Welcome To Hell, I Meant School

Devin’s POV

The rest of March was uneventful which made me more nervous. Liam was planning something, something big. The divide between Chris and me slowly grew. Liam indirectly put pressure on our relationship. Chris would lose his temper with me at times because I would be too afraid to do something. He was busy constantly with the band and I didn’t fit into the equation at times. It was something that I saw coming and knew would happen eventually, but it still hurt. I loved Chris. I love him so much it hurts. But, because I have issues, it’s stressing him out. He’s been understanding and helpful, but I guess he hit his breaking point. I have not seen him in four days. The band apparently had some thing up in New York and went immediately, with no good bye.

That hurt a little bit, especially when Ash was the one to tell me, not my own boyfriend. I’ve also not gotten one text from him either. I figured he was probably busy, but not even a text saying he was going away was really upsetting. Liam had not said a thing to me in several days, which worried me but also let me have some relief, at least for the moment.

“How’s it going baby?” was said as an arm went around my shoulder. The arm and voice belonged to no other than Liam. I froze. “What? Cat got your tongue Darling?” He asked. “Leave. Me. Alone. Do I need to spell it out for you? I’ve moved multiple times to get away from you. I want NOTHING to do with you.” I said with a collected voice, which was quite the opposite of how I currently felt.

“Oh you shouldn’t have said that baby. No you have to suffer the consequences.” He said with an evil glint in his eye.

“Touch me or my friends, or anyone I care about and I will end you.” I said with false confidence.

“Oh, I’m so scared. Bitch, I’m not afraid of you. You are a fat bitch that I should have disposed of long ago, but I kept you around because you’re my favorite.”

Taking his arm off of me, I said, “Leave me alone. This time, I am going to file a police report.”

“File a report, and one watch what happens. So I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Leave me alone.” I said one last time before walking away.

Thank whatever it is I need to thank, that I was the end of the school day. Going home, I drank several cups of coffee before downing like 4 xanax pills. If there was anything I wanted right now, it was to be unconscious.
When the pills finally kicked in and I was out cold, and I was at peace for the time being.


Chris and the guys were away for almost two and a half weeks. In those two and a half weeks, I would come home from school, take like 5 Xanaxs and pass out. My grades still managed to be good despite my pill use. I also started talking half a pill in the morning, that way I would be calm for the day. Everyone started to notice the “change in behavior” that I had. Apparently I was “zoned out” most of the time and “zombie-like”.

The only sleep I got was from taking a bunch of pills. If I didn’t take the pills, I wouldn’t sleep at all. I also stopped taking my other pills. The hallucinations I got, got more intense. Everything was falling apart in my hands and all I could do was watch. Food had lost all appeal once again. The one thing I would not let myself do was self-harm. No matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn’t do it. If the urges got to strong, I would go to sleep.

When the guys finally came back, they had news that they had raised a few eyebrows and offered a small record deal. They were to record the EP for the company and then do whatever the company wanted them to do. The guys of coursed signed the contract, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Independent study was what the guys were officially on now. As long as they sent in their assignments, they got the grades and therefore would be able to still graduate.

Chris never once mentioned anything about us. There were no plans for a future, at least one that included me. My biggest fears were being released: Chris would be leaving me. I supported him though, and I knew it was what he had to do. So when the day came that he and the guys had to leave, I kissed him one last time and broke up with him right there. He deserved more than a long distance relationship. He deserved someone who could be there with him in the moment and enjoy it.


It was single handedly the hardest thing I have ever done. With the guys gone, I was an open target for Liam, and whatever he wanted, he would get. Ashley knew how I felt and often suggested I spend the night with him and Brett but I kindly declined every time. Xanax became my life support. It was how I coped with being a mess.

Three weeks after the guys left, Liam forced me into a relationship with him. He slowly made me push my friends away further until I was completely alone. Of course my mom worked and wasn’t home very often, and she didn’t even know that Chris had left.
Liam made me want to hide away from all humanity and never return. If I wasn’t being forced to do something I had no consent to do, I was being hit, and if I wasn’t being hit, I was on way too many Xanaxs.

By the end of the school year, I wanted to crawl into my bed and never wake up. But I woke up, every morning and continued on with my miserable life. The amount of pain I was constantly in was unbearable.

“Motionless in white is playing warped tour this summer. New Years Day also got booked for a few dates! I’m super excited!” Ash had sent me.

“Good for you! I’m glad! Y’all are going to do amazing! Have a blast out there!” I sent back.

Chris was doing really well, and that made me happy. His dreams were coming true right in front of him, and he deserved every single good moment that it would bring. It hurt knowing that he probably never even thought of me, let alone miss me. Music was something he was extremely passionate about, and him getting to do something he loved was good.

Me on the other hand, I was doing terrible. The only sleep I got was sleep induced by Xanax. Liam never let me out of his sight, which drove me insane, as well as lonely. I had also not picked up my bass since Chris had left. Every time I would look at it, I would feel nauseous and want to be sick. It eventually had to be put in the spare room so I did not have to look at it.

All the healthy eating Chris had gotten me to do was reversed. Liam would get mad if I ate or drank anything other than water. I constantly felt weak all the time. What was sad was I wanted to eat. But if Liam thought I had put on weight, even if it were only the angle in which he looked at me, he would hit me.

^^^^^^^^^^^

It was almost the end of summer when Warped tour was supposed to be playing here, which meant there was also a small possibility of seeing Chris. I wanted to see Chris but I did not want him to see me. If he saw me, he would be disappointed in me, and it wouldn’t be my fault. Liam did not want me to go to warped tour, but when his parents invited him to go on a 2 week cruise to the Bahamas, he couldn’t say no.

So here I was, standing in line to go to my very first warped tour. I wore a long sleeve black shirt, despite it being hot, and a black skirt and tights with my creepers. My plan was to see Chris but for him to not see me. My hair was also longer than before so hopefully they wouldn’t recognize me.

It was already getting hot and I could tell I would need water soon, and possibly food. Once I got in, I bought a water and drank it, before checking the set times. Motionless went on in about two hours, New Years Day went on in about an hour, and a bunch of other bands I didn’t know played all the other times. Several guys hit on me but I ignored them. I wanted to buy a NYD shirt, so I checked the area first before going to buy a shirt. When I deemed it safe to go buy one, I got it before leaving the area. My Friend’s seeing me like this was not something I wanted.

Going into the crowd for a couple random bands, I had fun and sang along to the lyrics I caught on to. Going to where NYD would be playing, I kept my distance in the crowd. Ashley was truly amazing. The way she sang, with the way her hair looked when she flipped it looked amazing.

“We NYD would like to dedicate this set to our good, good friend Devin. If you are here, we miss you. Now how about we play another song?” She said, in between songs.

I kept my head down the entire time; I did not want them to spot me. Getting lost in another crowd, I tried to enjoy myself once again. When Motionless was supposed to play, I once again found myself in the crowd. One by one, they all took the stage. First it was Vinny, then Balz and then Ryan and Ricky. Lastly was Chris. I watched as they all had fun and played their hearts out. Seeing Chris was hard. There was nothing more that I wanted to then kiss him hard and hold him in my arms once again, but I couldn’t.


“ We would like to dedicate this next song to our good Friend, who we hope is out there doing well.”

The tears I was holding back were let go. I missed them so much. I missed each and every one of them, but I missed Chris the most. Every day spent with Liam was a day I wish was spent with Chris. He was so close but still so far away. It became too much, and I had to get away. My head began to pound, the pain in my chest and stomach was all too real. I had to get out of here before I passed out. The world began to spin, my chest began to tighten and Darkness then took over.

Notes