I'm a Loaded Gun

I don't know how long it's been that I've been staring at the ceiling. I've been tracing invisible patterns since I left the bathroom. No one said a word to me when they came back to the bus to sleep. Word must have gotten around. The ceiling was wood paneled. For some reason I thought I'd be able to just close my eyes and find sleep instantly, but it's not that easy. My mind was racing, replaying the scene in horrific detail, torturing my exhausted mind. My heart was pounding, and my chest felt hollow. I let my fingers trail down the fraying tear in the shirt. My hands twisted and caressed the fabric, exploring its ever fiber. Curiosity, I continued to the skin under the rip. They explored the soft flesh, and I stopped, wincing with sudden pain. I sat up, staring at the exposed area. Blossoms of green and yellow were beginning to form along the bone of my hip, along with a tear in the corner of my eye. I refused to let it fall.

I turned over my palm, looking at the scar running in my wrist. I remember the night I gave it to myself. Watching the life slowly spring from the mark, feeling the calm wave hit me. How had I been so immune to the pain? It took two weeks to heal and another two to fade into the scar that adorns my wrist currently. I sighed, glanced outside at the two guards seated outside of the locked bus door. I picked up my phone, unlocking the screen. It was a little after two in the morning. I'd been sitting here for almost four or five hours. I searched through my phone, looking for anyone to talk to. I knew I wouldn't find sleep any sleep in my current state, and any that came would only be haunting terrors. I found the name and hit message.

You: Are you still awake?

What was the point? I'd never find happiness. It eludes me every time, what was the point anymore. My eyes drifted to my red bag on the floor, focusing on the black form resting on its side. No one was awake. It would be so easy to go to the bathroom and indulge. No one would know. I could find the silver piece and-
My phone buzzed.

Andy: Yeah, everything ok?
You: idk
Andy: Are u alright?
You: I can't sleep. I hope I didn't wake you
Andy: I was still up, it's fine. Want to come over here?
You: Are you sure?
Andy: only Sammi and Jinxx are here and they r sleeping. Come on over here
You: OK

I slipped on my batman converse high tops and put my phone in my pocket. I unlatched the door and stepped outside. Both guards jumped up, expecting trouble. "Sorry guys, I'm just going over to the other bus for awhile." One guard offered to escort me, and walked beside me over to the other bus. Andy opened the door on the first knock and the guard took position outside. He motioned for me to sit on the couch. I plopped down next to him.

"Thanks for letting me come over here. I know I couldn't sleep if I tried."

"It's fine. It gets lonely over here sometimes since everyone is out doing stuff and partying."

I noticed that he had washed off his war paint and make up. His eyes shine brilliantly, almost electric blue. His black hair was still lightly wet from a shower. He had on a fresh pair of dark jeans with tears all over them. His shirt was ripped open in the sides, once again exposing his ribs and the side of his stomach. It looked like the me side of mine, but much more attractive. Wow. Trailing, my eyes set on his lips. They were thin, and perfect looking. He had a lip piercing in. It was a black chrome ring.

"Is something on my face?" he laughed.

Crap. He saw me staring at him, my eyes quickly darted away as I blushed. Nice going Reya. He probably already thought you were mental or fucked up in the head. Smooth...recover, try to recover!

"No...I umm.. Was lo-looking at your lip ring. I've always wanted one. Two actually." Good recovery. Believable. Ok it was actually true, even better.

"Really? Snakebites I'm guessing?"

"No, actually I want doubles on my right side on the bottom. Right next to each other. I want a few others too."

"Seriously? Like what?" he looked interested, one eyebrow casually raised.

"Well, because of my parents rules I can't have more than doubles on my ears. When I turn 18 in a few months I was to get triples in both ears, a fourth and fifth in my left ear, and a sixth position piercing on my right for a chain piece. I was also thinking about my naval, but idk how I'd do with it. I hear its really painful at first." I said.

"I have my fair share of piercings, I might get another in my ear sometime. Do you have tattoos?"

"No, I wish. Another rule. I've been trying to design something to go on my side for years, but I keep messing it up or something. I want to get it but I also have no idea where to get it. I don't want a bad tattoo."

"I have my share of them too. I've designed most of my tattoos, Ashley does too. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd be willing to help you design one. As goes for me. Do you have any specifics.?"

"I know it's generic, but I want a cross."

"Interesting. So what about music? Would get a music tattoo?" he asked.

"Well sure. My music is one of the most important things in my life. I've written some music, but it's nothing compared to yours, Andy. Your music is so beautiful. I could listen to it for days."

"Well thanks. What lyrics have you written?"

"Oh, they aren't that good. You'd be bored by them."

"No, honestly, I'd be honored to hear it."

"Well, I have one written on my phone. Hold on." he curiously watched me as I searched through my note pages. I sighed and sheepishly glanced at him. "Tonight, as I lie awake with these shattered remains, I feel life. The blood and tears have been shed from these veins, and with every word I swallow these hollow lies. But, how can truth and love set me free? I've been torn, and ruined, shattered as I can be."

I looked at him with heat in my cheeks. That was one of the most personal poems I had written. His face was unreadable.

"Reya, that's beautiful. I would be proud to have written that and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise." I looked away, attempting to hide my embarrassed expression. He raised a hand, his fingers gently caressing the side of my face, turning it up to look at him. "You don't have to be shattered, I hope you don't ever pick up your blade again Reya, that pen is all you need. I know."

His eyes looked down and I did to. He turned his hands palm up and I was able to see the extremely faded scars running across his wrist. It looked like mine. Not thinking, I put my palm up wrist on his knee beside his hand. They were identical almost, but his much less noticeable.

"Yours will fade like mine over time. Someday you may never be able to see mine and yours will be that way too. Don't add more." He looked up into my eyes, absolute seriousness in his voice."

"I won't. I've learned my lesson. Some times...I don't know, I just-"

"Crave it? Need it? Want it? Can't stop thinking about it?"

"Exactly. Sometimes I get so scrambled that I just can't get the thoughts out of my head."

"I know. I went through it. If you ever need...a friend to talk to, you have my number."

"Thank you." I smiled. "How about we set this shit aside for awhile and enjoy yourselves, I've tired of depressing conversations now. Let's do something entertaining."

He looked at the floor laughing. He suddenly got a serious expression and he bent over to look at something in the floor.

"What are you looking at?" I giggled.

"Do my eyes deceive me or are you wearing BATMAN high tops?"

"I actually am. Batman and fifth generation robin." I said with a smile.

"That's pretty fucking awesome. I'm gonna steal your shoes and shrink my feet down so I can wear them." he joked.

"I would wrestle you to the ground and take them back!" He made a mad lunge for my foot and I jumped back, he ended up on his side in the floor of the bus. I began laughing, until he pulled me by my leg onto the floor. I wrestled with him for a few moments, him trying to get my foot. He got a momentary advantage and grabbed my waist. I cried out in pain. He instantly froze. "My God, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

"No, no its fine." I stammered. "Its nothing."

His eyes in complete seriousness. "Reya, if it was nothing you wouldn't have just screamed like that." His hands gently touching my sides still. I was sitting with my back against a cabinet, knees up and Andy was crouching over me. His face was only a few inches from mine. We both suddenly looked up when he heard the door from the bunk open. Sammi and Jinxx both appeared in the doorway, both obviously tired and concerned.

"Reya, Andy, what happened?" Sammi said, her voice still thick with sleep. She brought a hand up to her head and closed her eyes for a moment. Jinxx, who was standing behind her with only a pair of sleep pants on, wrapped his arms around her and set his chin on her shoulder.

"Yeah is everything OK?" he said.

"Sorry guys, we just...Andy surprised me...an-and I got a little surprised." I studdered.

He looked back at me, his eyes searching mine for why I lied. He obviously knew it had been painful. He hadn't shifted form. I can't imagine what this looks like to Sammi and Jinxx.

"Are you sure? That didn't sound...surprised sweetie." Sammi said.

Andy looked at her and to me. "Reya, are you sure you aren't hurt?"

"Yeah. I'm-" everyone gasped as I stood up. I looked down to see the tear of the shirt exposing the skin in my hip again. The green and yellow marks now bluish and purple. There's was no hiding it. It had been seen...by everyone.

Notes

Thank you guys once again for the wonderful feedback! There's is still much more coming! (: BVBarmy forever!