If Hell were any Closer

Nikki's POV:

I feel heaven. I touch heaven. I breathe heaven.

I'm an atheist, yet in that moment, I believe that there is a god, and a heaven, and that I am there. The hot water, cascading down my aching shoulders, loosening my muscles with their warmth. The scent of my green apple shampoo makes my mouth water as I scrub the suds into my thick hair. Followed by the same conditioner, I sigh happily as I massage it into my scalp. I have never been so grateful for hot water, showers, and green apple soap in my entire life.

I use a white, thick, fluffy towel to dry off my body, and a smaller one to wrap around my head, towelling off my damp hair. I sigh contently as I smear away the fog stained mirror, smiling slightly at my complexion. I look happy, relaxed even.

Yet all that changes when I step into my bedroom.

The first thing I notice is the slight chill in the room, that and the comforting smell of fresh rain accompanied by dew. Sunlight pools through my open window, but even the sun's rays are not enough to conceal the cool breeze the flutters through.

I frown and shut the window, pulling the blinds down, blocking out all further sunlight. I don't remember opening it, and I hope I didn't leave it open all night long. I shrug the thoughts from my head as I turn back to my room, and the first thing I do is scream.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I shout, desperately clutching my towel tightly to my drying flesh.

Andy doesn't respond, scrolling mindlessly through his phone, laying casually on my bed. He shrugs, finally sitting up, his eyes glued to me. I shudder involuntarily as his gaze travels up and down my barely clothed body, and I can tell it strains him to keep his eyes on mine.

He stands and walks towards me, eying me curiously. "Are you alright?"

I glower at him, "am I alright? Am I alright? What the hell do you think you are doing here?!"

He sighs, running a hand through his messy hair. It's longer now, more tangled.

"You drunk-dialled me last night," he confesses, "I-I wasn't sure if you were okay. I needs to be sure-"

"So you took a plane across the country?"

He shuffles uncomfortably, "I guess. Just, are you alright?"

I nod, trying to reign in my anger and annoyance. "I am alright then. Now leave. Goodbye."

"Nikki, I-"

"No, Andy, just stop. You don't get to comfort me, to care for me. I broke up with you two years ago! Move on, I know I have." The last words are only partially true, and it still stings to say. But I have moved on, haven't I?

A wry grins makes its way onto his perfectly sculpted lips, "it's been that long, hasn't it?"

I frown at the look on his face, and begin to back away, just as he moves towards me. He continues to back me up, until I'm cornered against the closed bathroom door. He raises his arms so that they're right above my head, trapping me like a caged animal. Now I can't move, and I'm still only in my towel.

"It's been two whole years, Nicole. Tell me, tell me honestly that you haven't missed me, you haven't missed this," he breathes, his warm breath fanning out across my face.

I turn my head to the side, refusing to meet his intense gaze, because I know if I do, I'll be consumed by my lost love for him.

"I know you do did, because I missed it," he admits, leaning his head in closer. Now his lips are only a few centimetres away, so close that if I turn my head, they will touch. "Missed the way our bodies respond to one another," he whispers huskily, trailing a finger alone my jawline as I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

"Missed the way we touched, we kissed. How I know just where you liked to he touches," he revels, finally, his lips barely bridging my pines point, and I whimper against my will.

I can't, I just can't fall for him again, I will get hurt. I know it. I fumble blindly with the doorknob, turning it and slipping through, quickly closing it while Andy was too distracted by my neck. I lean against it, breathing rapidly, my heart pumping wildly in my chest. I hear a pout bang: Andy banging his fist loudly against the wood, making me jump.

"Dammit Nicole!" He shouts, and I shrink back, locking the door. "I still fucking love you," he whispers, and my heart melts at the softness in his voice.

I lean heavily against the door, sliding down and putting my head in my hands. I have not cried since he changed, I have not cried since he left.

I break down today.

Notes