All I Can See Are These Flames Around Me

By the time Jake and Christian had left, I was beyond fucking exhausted. Today has been a long day. As if waking up at three in the morning to catch a plane and flying across the goddamn country isn't tiring enough, all this crying and fighting has me struggling to just keep my eyes open. With a yawn I leaned against Chris' side and curled up in a ball. Or as much of a ball as I could curl into with a pregnant belly in the way.

Chris had put on The Crow for us to watch. Ricky had joined us and was sitting next to me. He looked much less confused about why I was on their bus now that things has calmed down.

As much as I would have liked to pay attention to the movie playing in front of me, my mind had a different plan. My thoughts began to run in viscous circles. What am I going to do? I have a baby on the way that was made between me and my rapist, and the man that wanted to be the father hates me. What do I do? For what must have been the tenth time today, tears welled up in my eyes. Hiding my face in Chris' shoulder I tried and failed at not crying.

"Oh, please don't cry." Shifting just a little, Chris threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.

"Sorry... I just can't stop thinking about what's going to happen next." Ricky had a sympathetic look on his face as he reached over to rub my back.

"Everything is going to be okay. I promise you that Nick. You have so many people that are willing to help you through this, you won't be alone at any point during this baby's life." Chris gave my shoulder's a squeeze.

Sniffling I looked between Ricky and Chris, in an attempt to smile I brushed away my tears. "Thank you, I really appreciate that."

"You're welcome." Chris mumbled into my hair.

Even though I had attempted to stop crying, it didn't work. My tears soaked through the front of Chris' shirt. A small part of me actually felt guilty for having covered his shirt in tears, but I have to assume that he mind what I was doing because rather than pushing me away, Chris held me closer and ran his hand through my hair. It was actually rather relaxing.

By the time we had finished The Crow and had moved on to Queen of the Dammed I was half asleep in Chris' lap. In a state somewhere between conscious and unconscious a voice caught my attention.

"Chris, Andy wants to see you?"

Panic instantly struck my body. Andy's here? No. There's no way that this is real. Jake and C would never have told him where I was hiding for the night. Swallowing hard I sat up and looked at both Chris and Ricky with a horrified expression.

Chris stood up and made his way for the isle that Andy would eventually be coming down. "Balz, are you fucking stupid?" He nearly screeched, torn between want to turn around and comfort me, and stay standing so that he could protect me against Andrew. "Get him the fuck off of this bus!"

“Hey, Rick! Andy’s here to see you?” my eyes popped open and I hugged Ricky tighter. Fuck you Balz for bringing that monster in here.

"Chris, will you please let me see her? All I want to do is talk." There was a recognizable sadness in Andy's voice. I've never heard him sound so broken.

Still clearly torn, Chris looked back at me. "Do you want to talk to him? Because if you don't I'll have him escorted out."

Do I want to talk to him? Biting on my bottom lip I shrugged. Honestly, I don't know what I want right now. Wrapping my arms around myself I finally nodded. I know I'll probably regret doing this, but maybe getting closure with Andy is what I need.

"Don't leave the bus though, just in case..." I whispered, not looking at Andy as he sat down on the couch across from me.

Chris motioned for Ricky and Balz to follow him. "We'll be in the back. Just get me a yell if you need anything at all." I couldn't do anything other than smile at him appreciatively when he gave my shoulder a squeeze.

At almost the same time, Ricky and Chris shot Andy a look that screamed fuck-with-her-we-fuck-you-up before they left. The room was silent. Andy sat staring at me, while I was looking anywhere but at Andy. My stomach was doing back flips. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. Maybe I should have just let Chris and the guys escort Andy off the bus and out of my life forever.

Crossing my legs, I sat up a little bit in hopes that I looked a little more put together than I felt.

“Nikki?” Andrew's voice was still that same dull tone as it had been earlier.

“What?" I snapped causing him to flinch just slightly.

From the corner of my eye I could see Andy was fiddling with his hands, something he did when he was unsure about what to do or say next. "I am so sorry for what I did to you earlier."

Is that all he has to say to me? Seriously? That he's sorry? Sorry doesn't make a dead man live again after you've shot him. And it sure as hell doesn't fix a relationship that has been severely compromised.

"Well, isn't that just peachy." Continuing not to look at him, I focused on the small window just above the television. Even with its tinted windows I could see what a beautiful New England afternoon it was turning out to be.

“Please don’t do this to me.” He begged, his head falling into his hands.

Wait. Did Andy just beg me? That's never happened before. I'm not sure how to take that.

Swallowing hard I finally forced myself to look at him. "Don't do what Andrew? Oh, I know! Cheat on you with my fucking rapist? Is that what you don't want me to do?" Not able to really control my emotions or my voice, my hands balled into tight fists.

"That's why I'm here. I want to talk to you and apologize for all the things I said to you. I was a fucking dumb ass." Even though I was a raging with anger, somehow Andy was keeping a level head and not raising his voice with me.

“Then talk. Because I have to get to the airport.” As much of a lie as that may be, Andy will never know if I stay the night with Motionless in White or not.

“Nikki, please forgive me. I can't bare the thought of losing you just because I was shitfaced." His voice broke with emotions. But I had to keep strong, I couldn't allow myself to just forgive him.

Andy reached out to touch me, but I shied away from him. I don't want him to touch me. Not now, not ever. How can I ever trust him again after all the things he said to me? Words spoken in a drunken stupor are the thoughts of a sober mind.

"Guess you shouldn't have been drinking then, huh? Then you wouldn't have lost me."

Andrew took a sharp breath. As much as it killed me to tell Andy that I was done with him, I knew it was what I need to do. If he's had thoughts about me like that, how can we ever have a healthy relationship together?

"Nick, please listen to me!" He begged me for a second time.

I know that I'm being a cruel bitch, but I have to think about what's right for my baby and me.

“What is there to listen to Andrew? You assumed that I was cheating on you with my fucking rapist while you were out apparently getting piss drunk. How the hell do you think I'm currently feeling about you and this relationship at the moment?"

Okay, I'll admit that I didn't realize up until just now how much anger I had been harboring towards Andy. Although, after all the shit he has put me through in the last handful of hours, I guess it's only natural how much I began to hate him. Feelings that I hadn't even realized I could have had started bubbling up to the surface. This is either a good thing or a bad thing.

"What right do you think you have to fucking yell at me? I was drunk. What the fuck else was I supposed to think when I saw him all over you?" My eyes turned to slits when Andy finally broke and began to yell back at me.

“You could have fucking stopped for a second and thought about what you were seeing and how hurt I possibly could have been. How would you feel if you were raped?” Andy opened his mouth to speak but he stopped himself. “Shit. You would feel like shit, Andrew. There are still emotions I’m still trying to process. And in the middle of dealing with all this I’m carrying my rapist’s child. Stop and fucking think about that. I'm hurt. And you’ve only made those wounds deeper.”

Swallowing hard I roughly removed the tears that had started to run down my cheeks. I'm going to assume that Andy was taken aback by my words, because he's not speaking. Although, what do you even say back to all of that? I guess you could say all of those words had been stewing about in my head since Andy had left me to go on tour and they had just been waiting for the moment to come out. You could say I've been in a dark place recently...

“I am so sorry Nikki..." Not looking at me, I could tell Andy still wasn't sure what he was supposed to say.

"I’m sorry too." I whispered, trying to keep my voice cracking.

“Why are you sorry?” Again, Andy reached out to touch me, but I pulled away from him.

“I’m sorry because I think we need to take a break.” My voice was just barely above a whisper.

God it hurt so much to fucking say those words. But I need space. I need to get away from him and this life we've created. This baby needs stability. And right now with Andy I can't provide the support this child is going to need from me.

“N-Nikki?” Andy’s eyes went wide like the ones of a child.

Tears clouded my eyes. Seeing the hurt in his eyes is killing me. I can't do this to him... But I have to.

“I’m sorry. I love you so much Andy. But this has given me so much to think about, that I need some time away from you to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do next." I watched as Andy's jaw dropped.

He attempted to gather himself, but it didn't seem to work. Tears were now prickling in his eyes. I could actually feel my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. Oh my god, what have I done?

“Nikki, I love you so much and I want to be in your life and the baby’s…” Stopping himself he covered his mouth with his hand.

“You can still be in the baby’s life but I just think we need a little time apart. We have some thinking to do.” Without a word, Andy nodded and stood up.

After a moment he finally spoke. “I agree. Nikki, I love you and I want you to know if you need anything while you’re sorting things out I will always be here for you. I don’t care if I’m in LA or if I’m in London call me and I’ll be there.” The tears in his voice made this so much harder on me.

“Thank you, I’ll remember that.” Adverting my eyes I glanced down at the ground.

"Goodbye Nikki. I love you.” Andy kissed the top of my head and walked off the bus.

“I love you too Andrew.” I whispered, hating myself with every second that passed.

When I heard his boots hit the pavement and the door closed behind him, that's when I knew that nothing between Andy and I would ever be the same.

Notes

Sorry about how long this chapter took to get out.
The last two days have been fucking crazy.
So much work to do, so little time.
Just like the cadence says, this Army life is crazy ;D


Anyway, thank you guys all so much for all the 10 star ratings, subscribing and thank you so much to NikkiB, your comment has seriously made my whole fucking day!!