Come Back Here

Sunday was hell. Andy had to leave abruptly, and Gerard wasn't far behind. That left me feeling empty from the absence of his luminous sight, and dorky personality. I know, it sounds cheesy, and it seems kinda weird considering that we haven't known each other long, but something about him just seems familiar, and that same aspect makes me miss him like crazy.

"Cel, chillax, you'll see your boy-toy tomorrow." Renae piped in, disrupting my thoughts.

I looked over at her and frowned, "You mean to tell me that you don't miss Gee?"

"Well, yes, but I've learned to adjust to not seeing him twenty-four-seven."

I averted my attention away from her direction and spoke. Just generally spoke, not to anyone in particular, mainly just to get it out. "How do you know when you're in love?" It was barely audible, because I half wanted Renae to hear it, and half wanted to keep it to myself.

There was silence for a few minutes before Renae chirped in with her response. "You just know."

I snapped up and looked at her, "That's it? You just know? You mean to tell me that there aren't signs or things that trigger you to just know?"

She became quite defensive after I snapped at her, "Well, of course, but there isn't an exact way to describe how you know, you just do."

"Well, what are they, then? How do you tell if you're in love, Renae?"

"Why are you getting all pissy with me?"

"I don't know! I just want to know! You're not exactly being helpful with laying my curiosity to rest!" I retorted, knowing full well that I was getting out of hand with my emotions. I don't know why, but I was just angry right now, utterly pissed off at anyone and anything.

She took a deep breath in. "Well, Celeste, you can feel it, you know? There's this fullness you suddenly feel, and you get nervous around them no matter how long you've been with them, or known them. You don't care about their imperfections, because all you can see is their character. They just make you so happy being around them. You want to spend every waking moment with them, because their absence causes you distress... You just know, Cel."

I didn't quite meet her eyes. I don't know how the hell I'm going to respond to this. I didn't think I could be in love with Andy until he left. I know, you think I'm nuts, and that I don't understand love because I'm too young, or that 'hey, you barely know the guy;' but I swear, what Renae described felt true. I did feel empty, aching, at the fact that Andy wasn't here. Andy took my mind off my terrible, shitty life for even a few minutes, which is more than Renae and Gerard have been able to do in the past, combined. I do feel nervous around him, but that can be linked to the fact that I just met him.

"Celeste?" Renae again broke my train of thought. "Do you love Andy?"

Silence. I didn't respond for a while. How on earth do I even begin to comprehend this? It's so cliche that my life is falling apart and I find myself questioning love. Why did Andy have to move here right when my life began to crumble into nothing? Okay, granted, I had no clue when it would start crumble, and it may not be terribly falling apart, but I can sense that things are only going to get worse. How on earth do I not look at that as some big sappy cliche?

I never saw myself in this position. Not in a million years did I think that my abuse would lead to a weekend with the gentlest, sweetest guy I have met besides Gerard. What I really want to know, is why he stuck around. He shouldn't be dragged into this shit, I don't want him getting hurt, and I don't know what I'd do if he did.

Finally, my voice cracked, my throat was dry. "I don't know..." I paused, collecting my scattered thoughts, before forming understandable sentences. "I just... I care about him...and he seems to care about me. We argued over the fact that I didn't see myself as beautiful, and I broke into tears when he pulled me into his chest, and he told me to never think like that. He was so gentle and careful when he kissed me... But I don't want to be one of those girls that thinks she's falling in love when her Prince Charming swoops her up when she's at her lowest, you know?"

"Celeste, I've seen you at you're lowest, and this is far from it. You're not the person you were two years ago, you've gotten stronger and grown, so if you think that that's what's holding you back from admitting your feelings to yourself, then you need an eye-opener, because there is obviously a spark between you and Andy."

I mumbled a yea and glanced onto the balcony, where hours ago, Andy held me as I cried. The fresh memory sent goose bumps over my flesh. I missed him already.

Notes