My Reality

When I get back to Blake's mansion, my mom shows me my room. She closes the door and scans my face.

"Did he?" She asks, I nod. She rushes to my side and holds me while I cry. "Just let it out."

"Two men mom, two." I say between sobs. "It must be my fault."

"No, it's not your fault at all. You did nothing, you didn't deserve it. They are disgusting men who take from women. They deserve to go to hell. Don't you dare blame yourself for their sins." She hugs me tighter.



After a while the tears just stop. I can't cry anymore. My mom told me to get some sleep, but I can't. How can I sleep? I need to feel clean, that's what I need. I get up and go find my mom. She gives me some clothes to change into and I go back to my room. I take a cold shower to make me feel something, but it doesn't help. I change into the hoodie and yoga pants she gave me. I go downstairs because apparently it's dinner time. I don't feel like eating, they bought my favourite, chicken pot pie, but I just can't eat. I walk back upstairs to my bedroom and sit on my ensuite floor. I go through the cabinets and find a blade. I pick up the little piece of metal and stare curiously at it. I used to cut when I was fourteen, but that made the beatings worse. I remember the way it made me feel, maybe just one cut won't hurt. After ten minutes, I count how many cuts I made. Thirty. Not only that but I crossed a few. I get up and clean up my mess. For a second I forgot about what Sam had done to me.
Then there's a knock.

"Scarlet baby, there's someone who wants to see you." My mother says, I open the door.

"Who?" I ask.

"He says his name is Andy." She says.

"Can you tell him I'm not here?" I ask.

"He's downstairs."

"Beam him up Scotty."

I sit on my bed and cover myself with blankets. I listen to Wake Me Up When September Ends softly in the background. Andy enters my room and pulls the seat over from the desk.

"What happened?" He asks.

"I don't wanna say." I tell him.

"Why not? You tell me everything." He asks.

"I just can't, okay?"

"Alright, well how are you feeling."

"Scared, but not as much as I was."

"Why are you scared?"

"Because someone kidnapped me and what if it happens again? I just wanna die."

"Don't say that Scar."

"Well what good am I to anyone?"

"I love you, and I need you. I couldn't live without you in my life."

"Is it bad that I don't believe you?" He sits next to me on the bed and I cringe.

"How could you not believe me? I do and I always will love you."

"Did you say that to Juliet?" He looks at me hurt that I asked.

"Well yes, but I'm in love with you." Good answer, too bad I don't believe you.

"How? I'm a waste of space."

"You're not a waste, you're the definition of wonderful."

"Then why isn't my life wonderful?"

"I don't know."

"Well I'm gonna take a nap so I'll see you in fourth." He gets up and leaves my room.




It's Monday morning and I don't want to get out of bed. I had locked myself in my room all weekend and now it's time to feel the sunshine on my skin, at least that's what my mom tells me. There's more scars on my arm. After Andy left, I needed something to get him off my mind, and it worked. My mom got my clothes from James's apartment. I change into my Of Mice And Men hoodie, black sweatpants, and black converse. I wear my hair down so it can drape over my face. I don't put on any makeup. Yes I have a big bruise on my face, but hiding it doesn't make it better, which is another thing my mom said to me. I didn't even bother saying goodbye, I just walked to school. I walk into the music room, maybe Jake has a new song for me to play. He sits at his desk, not looking up as I enter. I start playing The Mortician's Daughter and he looks up at me.

"That one's pretty easy, isn't it?" He asks and I nod. He opens his drawers and puts a new song on my stand.

"Lost It All." I whisper the title.

"I'll give you the lyrics at lunch if you want to come in and practice." He says and returns to his seat. I begin practicing.


Finally it's fourth. I walk into the room and sit in the back. This day's almost over.

"Alright, today we will be writing sonnets. Shakespeare wrote sonnets and so shall we. If you don't know how to write a sonnet, the requirements are listed on the board. It's probably going to take you all the whole period so begin." Andy says.


I take out a piece of paper and write:

*My heart races every time he's close
And I don't love him, I promise you that
He walks towards me followed by his crows
He is like darkness as black as a bat
He breathes on me, I'm as still as a corpse
I can tell his presence by his cologne
When I feel his dead stare, my stomach torques
Why me? I wish he would leave me alone
Why me in fact? Oh that stupid party
I shouldn't have gone, I wish to go back
Looking back, at first he seemed hearty
But he became mean, he took his attack
I'm not the girl I was, now I feel weak
I wish I could tell, I wish I could speak.*

I take it and hand it in. "May I go to the washroom?" I ask and Andy nods.

The poem actually did help a little. I remember the day I actually met Sam. It was at a party in the summer when I was fourteen. He was seventeen, popular, a senior. I was just a freshman. Nicole had this cousin who was sixteen and invited us to go with her. When we got there, we got pretty wasted, it was fun. Then a slow song came on and Sam tapped me on the shoulder. He asked me to dance, and me being the foolish little girl I was, I said yes. We started making out and he became my boyfriend. Well that was until everything went south.

I feel horrible about the way I'm treating Andy, but I can't help it. I just feel like he's going to hurt me and when he does, I'll shatter into millions of pieces. I can't let that happen, I won't let it.

Notes

Love ya<3